Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.
“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace
Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.
My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.
Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.
As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.
With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.
If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.
Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!
These questions course through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.
Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.
The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.
“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.
I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”
Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.
Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”
I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.
Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.
Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?
Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”
Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”
Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?
Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.
Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.
***
Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter.
About Joshua Becker
I have cut my husbands hair for the last 27 years – no one can tell at all and we save a fortune on barber’s fees. He cuts mine (it’s long and curly so rarely needs anything more than a trim) as well. We’ve probably saved thousands over the years. (though he doesn’t tell anyone and is a tad embarrassed that he cuts mine – why though I cannot suss)
Somewhere out there, there will be a girl with the same values as you -Tinder might not be the place to find her though.
How about meeting in a park for a walk and then a coffee in an ethical coffee house? Or a trip around an arts museum? Or as a previous commentator says, a shared picnic lunch where you both bring stuff. Start as you mean to go on, sharing your experiences together.
As your post has been re-posted I’ve only just come across it. This may be a semantics thing: a difference between the way we use English in the UK and American-English, but for me there’s a difference between being frugal because you have to and minimalist when you don’t need to. One day you will graduate and hopefully student frugality will become minimalist choice. You can then choose how to spend, and if a haircut or a pricey meal out is an ‘experience’ you can afford, there’s no harm in choosing to do that. Minimalism is more about replacing unnecessary ‘stuff’ with experiences. And in the meantime, there’s a girl out there who shares your values. You’ll find her when you look in the right places.
Since I’m a girl I could never cut my own hair. I tried once and failed spectacularly, since then usually either my mom or my sister do it for me. I think the most stupid thing about haircuts is that you have to get them so often and what does the hairdresser really do most of the time? Just cut off the ends, like that’s worth that amount of money.
I read a comment about tshirts here, too, and just had to think about my boyfriend who never buys a new shirt and keeps on wearing his old ones even though they break apart under the armpits :D I just sew them back together for him.
I’m really sure that you will someday meet a girl who doesn’t care where or by whom your hair is cut or whether you’re going to buy her a fancy dinner, she’ll only want to see you smile at her and tell her how much she means to you and it will mean more to her than anything that could possibly be bought. The best things are for free after all
My best wishes
Hey Sam. Don’t give up, you’re on the right path. On a side note, you aren’t alone! I haven’t bought a hair cut in over 6 years (I am now 29) I buzz it regularly. I like how it looks, it’s free, and I enjoy doing it. Who cares what people think!
As a graphic designer, advertising made up a minor component of my course. With no interest in specialising in this sector, I initially participated with only a vague curiosity, but by trimester end I was enthralled. The subject was mindblowingly insightful, full of the tricks advertisers (and, in turn, what I am supposed to) pull and I began to actively challenge every message that came at me. I no longer buy mindlessly, and I bring this into my work.
Around the same time, I began dating someone considerably older who had the wealth to treat us to some very fancy, expensive dates —way outside my budget and comfort zone. How were he to understand I wasn’t interested in the ballet, when the few dresses I owned were casual and summer weight?* I spent a small fortune on lacy knickers, evening dresses and make-up in an effort to impress him, only to eventually discover our values were completely misaligned and all I have left is some pretty, although largely useless, threads.
Point: even with the most deliberate minimalist mindset and stringent filters, the pressure to consume hits us constantly, and it takes a hawk-eye not to inadvertently succumb to the peer pressure. I’m glad you stood up for yourself and didn’t take it beyond the first date.
*I’d also like to point out I take pride in my appearance and personal hygiene, and spend time looking good, for me. I’m just not a cookie-cut direct from the latest Vogue. I also cut my own hair.
Appreciate this post and thread of comments very much. I don’t believe that there is necessarily virtue in doing your own hair or vice in having it done. The virtue is in knowing yourself and doing what is right for you. One thing I noted was your description of having a “sarcastic” banter with this woman — so her comment may have been influenced by the tone of that banter. If you liked her otherwise, it might be worth a second date getting to know each other better. That’s what dating is for. People are multidimensional and complex and can’t be reduced to a single comment. We all say stupid things all the time. I appreciated Alison’s comments about how her partner has expanded her views. On a side note, I am a recovering alcoholic and have had many of the same fears going in to blind or first dates – how much to explain, what will they think, and so on – only to find that most people don’t notice I’m not drinking and really don’t care. There’s plenty of time later to go full-bore into it in depth, a little at a time, if there’s any type of connection between us. And, finally, inexpensive first dates are perfect … taking a walk, having a cup of coffee, going to a public art show or museum, picnic lunch where each of you brings something … something easy, not too intense. Good luck with dating and good for you for being true to yourself.
Well it sounds like she isn’t the girl for you! This is a crazy world we live in, I would think most people would respect and admire you for living within your means and being so financially responsible. I personally applaude your strength, stay true to who you are!
Your hair is fine. Sorry about the date. What you need is a low cost mass screening program for dating compatibility. Parties! Frugal parties! When I was in grad school I used to invite 8 or 10 folk of varied gender for dinner. Potluck, but not in the usual sense. I’d have each invitee bring one ingredient for soup, a favorite pizza topping, or one veg for salad. (Three separate parties–I supplied the pot, the crust, or the bowl.) Lots of time to mingle and get to know the group while we did prep and waited for dinner to cook. Sometimes games (no TV). Although I was the woman, I got to look guys over and the invite expressed some interest.
I really enjoyed reading this. While the perspective was different from my own – I’m a 34yo woman/married – the circumstance was totally familiar. I take a lot of pride in my appearance. And my husband cuts my hair. He has for the last five years. He’s thoughtful/mindful/careful, and does the job with love. After college I decided $50-100 was far too much for a “proper” haircut. So my husband said, “I’ll cut your hair and we’ll save the money!” Sounded good. Since then, I’ve found myself faced with the kind of people the author went on a date with: I will get a compliment on my hair – “Ooh, it looks wonderful! Who does your hair?” I reply, “My husband.” And suddenly the look morphs into that of utter disgust. I don’t understand it! When did we turn into a society that frowns upon independence? Must we spend money on every little thing instead of trying to do it ourselves? Are we not civilized (or remotely cool) if we try to save money and become self-reliant? This goes from hair-cutting, to cleaning one’s own home, to fixing the brakes on one’s own car…if you do these things yourself, you’re a loser! So be it. :)
I too get my hair cut at home. I met my guy through a dating website and on our second date, I mentioned I hadn’t had my hair cut in over eight months. I then went on about how I hated going to the salon as they never cut my hair the way I wanted and also my budget was tight and I hated the thought of spending $55 to get a haircut I didn’t like. He mentioned he could cut it for me if I would like him to. He had cut woman’s hair before, female friends, ex-wife, and previous girlfriends as he had a girlfriend who was a trained hairdresser who hated going to the salon herself, so she had him cut hers. I said sure and on our third date, he gave me a haircut. He was very meticulous, combing, sectioning and pinning up my hair. He trimmed off exactly what I asked him to and made sure it was even on both sides. Afterwards I dashed to the mirror and checked his work. He gave me a great haircut. I told him her was hired, he was now my stylist. When I mentioned to people that he cut my hair for me I too get varied reactions. I was told I was foolish to let him cut my hair, it was a control thing on his part as well as being told not to be cheapskate, just go to the salon and pay for a professional haircut. I have had a few people tell me I was very lucky to have such a talented guy, but they would be afraid to let their guy takes the shears to their hair. My hair is longer than I was ever able to grow it going to the salon. With the length I am now able to wear it in braids. My guy braids it for me and he has gotten very good doing the. I get French, Dutch, fishtail and variations on these. The responses I get to telling people (or them seeing him braid it for me) have all been positive. I was at a fair last year and at one shop they did braids. There were woman and young girls lined up to get a choice of braids and the prices started at $25 and up. I looked at the sign and saw my guy could do pretty much all of them. My hair was down as I wanted it to dry, but I couldn’t resist. I found a bench, took a seat and had him give my two fishtail braids from the sides into one in the back. I smiled as I got what others were standing in line for and paying $30 for free. A couple women watched and both were impressed. So when I hear comments that it is strange that my cuts my hair, I tell them I would be crazy to go to the salon and pay someone to do my hair, when my guy does a better job. I figure I have saved nearly $2000 having him cut my hair. And the added benefits of having him give me braids is icing on the cake. We do a lot of DIY things to be frugal, but having him cut my hair is one of my biggest money savers. And I cut my children’s hair as well, with great results and savings as well.
I’d have to say that many people, like myself, believe there’s a time to spend and a time to save. To me, cutting ones hair at home just makes one look like a tightwad that’d rather do it at home then pay money at one of any number of perfectly fine hair cutting places.
And FYI to some people, You don’t need to pay big bucks for a haircut. I’ve been getting my haircut for YEARS at Walmart(roughly one haircut every 9 months or so),wash/cut/style at a cost of 15.50
wow. what a bit**. I’m sorry for that, your hair looks great and you shouldn’t be ashamed at all for living a conscious life!
The right person will be impressed and admire your frugality. I once made my now husband a shirt. His mother was horrified. I thought it was neat. I am 65 with gray hair. I refuse to spend money to dye it.
“Paragraph” 8 = *course
That is all :)
Good catch. Thanks for pointing that out!
Just a comment on Urge to Splurge. I have been shaving my boyfriends head for over 5 years now. He has not paid for a haircut in that time, we both love saving the money, and he loves the shorter style. Now his son (15 years old) loves getting involved and cuts his Dads hair and Dad cuts his boys hair. It’s a win-win-win.
It’s really good to know there are other young folks out there trying to make the same strides as I and provides me hope that there in fact could be someone else out there like me.
Oh Sam, your date made me smile. For every girl like her there’s another who would say “oh my goodness, that’s amazing, you don’t waste your money at a barbers when you can just do it yourself!” Don’t doubt it! I started washing my hair with bicarb and vinegar last year and it’s the best thing I ever did for my hair. No chemicals, no nonsense, no extra bottles. But I don’t tell everyone of course, and I sometimes wonder what the people at work would say if they knew… : )
Sam,
The ‘on-line’ dating road is long, and there will be many THOUSANDS of reasons why someone may not want to see you after the first date… that’s the nature of this process. Don’t get caught up in thinking that there’s something wrong about you.
It’s all about the numbers… keep trying, and eventually you will find the right person. After several years of on-line (and off-line) dating, my second husband and I finally found each other. By that time, I had well and truly honed my on-line skills, and wouldn’t waste longer than 30 minutes and a “dutch” coffee on someone new. Mind you, that was before smart-phones – so we had to post a half-decent profile describing our interests (we used RSVP). This really does save you some time and trouble, from meeting people who are only interested in “looks”.
As a female with long, blonde hair, I’ve done my own colouring for 20 years.. and have had many professional hairdressers praise my efforts. $10, instead of over $150. Plus, I get to do it in my own time, when it’s convenient for me.
Being frugal is a desirable skill in a guy…. stay true to yourself.
Cheers,
Lisa S. (Australia)
A change in perspective is hard for many people to achieve. A change in the mindset that leads to lifestyle change is achieved fewer still.
I am sorry for the hurt your date caused you. The chances are that your differences would have made any relationship difficult. But it is just possibe that in the emotionally charged heat of the moment she made a comment that she thought might be amusing without realising the nerve that she had touched. Your lifestyle is probably quite unlike any she comes across on a day to day basis.
My children have no choice but to live with me (well for the time being!) There are some things about our lifestyle and life choices they love, some they resent and some they just find embarrassing (usually the latter). My point is that they have had up to 20 years to get used to it. She only had an hour or so.
I wish you all the very best of luck in your dating experiences, I am rather glad that that is all long behind me. I think the suggestion of coffee dates or a museum, or a drink and then the cinema or an exhibition perhaps depending on your taste would cut the cost without cutting the experience.
Take care, have fun and don’t get too hurt :)
This was a great post. It made me laugh because my husband pays relatively little for his haircuts, ($12 in NYC), but often I have to fix it when he gets home, and it was done by a professional! I tease him that he’s such a cheap [email protected][email protected]&d, but I really don’t care. He’s warm, loving, kind, caring, funny-as-all-get-out, and makes the best roast chicken in the world for me. That’s why we’ve been married 17+ years and still going strong. Just be patient and be yourself, there’s a real smart woman out there who will know a good thing when she sees it!
Great piece, lots of wisdom here. And don’t feel bad about the haircut. I could see myself saying something like that when I was in my early 20s, but nearing 40, my perspective is a little broader. I’m curious, did you tell her a little about your approach to living frugally? Good luck on the dating scene!
Sam,
Thanks for sharing! I hope the rest of your date was better than that comment! I used to help my ex cut his own hair all the time, and I never found it weird or thought it would ever be a thing people would read into until now! Hopefully it was just that she was nervous and didn’t know what to say. (?)
I agree with some of the others about Tinder. It pretty much welcomes the shallow, and thus, more superficial.
Your website and articles sound like you really have your values in order. Maybe take a look at what you’d like in a relationship, and go from there. Want someone to laugh with? Join an improv group! Want someone as aspirational as you? Join a young professionals group! Want someone athletic? Join a rec league! A reader? Join a book club… You get the picture. You may not meet someone immediately, but you could meet through new friends, etc. Any time I’ve been on online dating sites, it has been forced awkward situations (which makes for great bad date stories when you do find someone you like), and has made me wonder why I put myself through it. And it’s a time and money investment! In my experience, the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element, having fun, and actually comfortable being single when you meet people you connect with.
You should be proud that you seem to have it figured out more than most guys our age. Stick true to yourself– you’re just ahead of the curve!
Breanne,
“the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element” – well said! I believe that if people approached find a partner the same way that they find friends they’d be much more successful.
I’m impressed that you made the connection between her statement and mass marketing. I absolutely hate commercials and rarely watch tv these days because of it. My hubby was watching football the other day and a commercial came on that showed a bunch of recognizable “rivals” getting along and enjoying a lunch together. I got so mad because my 3yo daughter became interested in the ad. I looked at her and said, “This a commercial that is using all your favorite characters to sell you something. Don’t watch it.” I know it sounds crazy to say that to a little girl but I was sooo MAD. That is the only feeling I have when I watch commercials.
Maybe instead of dating, you should try hanging out with like-minded people. Find a minimalist Meetup group or something. Hey, you could even start one.
Sam – don’t change! Not only has my husband used clippers to cut his own hair for the last 14 years, he cuts mine, too (not with clippers, thank God…lol)! Now granted, I have long curly hair and a little crookedness doesn’t show, BUT I have literally saved hundreds of $ over the last few years. You will find a like-minded saver girl who appreciates your frugality. :)
Sam,
I found OkCupid to be the most minimalist form of online dating for me because by tailoring my profile and match questions I was able to eliminate all the people I wasn’t really compatible with (there are lifestyle match questions about frugality and how much someone values appearances and money).
It’s free, and I was quickly able to weed out all the racists, homophobes, people who follow strict gender roles, people who were always chasing money, people who didn’t share my ideas of happiness, etc. I still went on a date with a guy who thought Temple of Doom was the best Indiana Jones movie, but hey, no system is perfect.
Tinder would’ve wasted my time with people who I wasn’t really compatible with, it’s minimalist in design but not in practice.
Let me know if you’d like a couple of tips for OkCupid, I got to know the site inside and out.
Best,
Kate
Sam Thank you for this post. I’m 61, married woman and have been cutting my own hair for +20 years. My husband ‘buzzes’ his hair. We rarely eat out (literally like 3 times a year). I take the bus to work (we went to 1 car for a long time). We cut cable and have a large antennae in the attic and use netfilx. I don’t even have a smart phone… even though I’m a computer programmer. We are VERY happy this way! We put our 3 boys thru college without loans and now saving like crazy for retirement. Keep being who you are. Sometimes I get a little comment now and then from our secretary who makes fun of me not going to the salon, but then I get a few compliments from people because I set my hair the old fashioned way and don’t give in to ‘fads’. I’m totally content being who I am. You will find that girl at the right time. She will appreciate your being frugal believe me! Don’t ever settle for anything less than someone who truly appreciates you .. you deserve only the best!
Dude,
I love guys like you who have their [email protected] all together in life, and happy go lucky, etc…
I would date you, well that is if you liked guys…
I goto free concerts & events at the local library, attend meetups art drawing groups (not an artist) but I am enjoying drawing and being with other people.
People can say the nastiest things, I try to let it all roll off my muscular back.
Cheers Bro & Happy Minimalist New Year!!!!
Well that certainly helped put things in perspective for you. If that sort of thing bothered her, she’s definitely not the one for you. I give you three cheers.
Sam,
I say be who you want to be. Buck the system. It is her loss after all. You will find someone (it may just take a lot of time) that sees the world almost the same way you do. If you need help watch FightClub. Just try to avoid the Marla’s if possible lol.
Rebecca,
That’s so amazing… You mentioned my absolute favorite film — Fight Club! I try to watch it once a year or so, and re-read the book when I can. The messages are potent and powerful, and each time I watch it I realize why I should be saving more, doing less, and minimizing my life.
Thanks for that reminder,
Sam
Sorry, here is the comment I meant to post:
Hi Sam, although you’ve come to see the world in a certain way, I think that most people haven’t. I understand why her comment about the barber would offend you, but like you said, maybe remind yourself “I’m feeling offended” and know that she is seeing the world through a different lens.
Over the years my partner has expanded my world view immensely. What didn’t work: lecturing and defending his views. What did work: asking me questions about my own beliefs and gently presenting other points of view. I resisted, as many people would when shown such points of view and lifestyle options, but I liked him as a person, so we worked through it, and I think I matured. So I guess you need both that initial attraction, and a partner willing to understand you and the world better. Maybe make your frugality part of your mystique instead of worrying that it will put people off, be proud of it, and the right woman will be proud of it as well, once she gets it.
Hi Sam, although you’ve come to see the world in a certain way, I think that most people haven’t. I undertsand why her comment about the barber would offend you, but like you said, maybe remind yourself “I’m feeling offended” and know that she is seeing the world through a different lens. Over the years my partner has expanded my world view immensely. What didn’t work: lecturing and defending his views. What did work: asking me questions about my own beliefs and gently presenting other points of view. I resisted, as many people would when shown such points of view and lifestyle options, but I liked other things about him, so we worked through it, and I think I matured. So I guess you need both that initial attraction, and a partner willing to understand you. Maybe make your frugality part of your mistique.
Interesting… I have long hair and I decided to cut it myself recently. Not just the length, but add nice layers also. It was the best my hair has ever looked. My husband even said that I’m always coming out of the salon complaining that I didn’t like how they cut it. I felt I had no control, while also shelling out $50+ sometimes! Now, I cut my husband’s hair and he is very happy with it.
Also, as for cheaper dating, why don’t you suggest coffee? Even for business meetings, I don’t like being distracted with eating food when I’m trying to build a relationship.
What what a shallow thing for her to say!! I do know what you mean about dating and being on a budget. And it kind of must be harder for men because in all honestly, while I don’t expect a five course dinner, I would expect a guy to pay for the first couple dates…even if it’s just coffee. But it’s more than that…its upkeep, clothing, hair..and this is the part I think gets more expensive for girls. People can say that looks don’t matter but let’s be honest here, right? So it’s very tricky to navigate the two things: fugal and dating. For me, I’ve backed off caring about dating and just focusing on bettering myself and being happy…and hopefully the rest will fall into place. And if it doesn’t so be it!
It’s interesting that you would expect your date to pay for the first few dates. My friends and I have always operated under the assumption that the person who initiates the date pays – whether it’s the man or woman. Perhaps we do it differently in Canada, and perhaps that’s why so many of my dates in San Fran were surprised when I took care of the bill.
my husband and i often have the discussion of what it means to be neat and comely and yet not fall into the trap of MORE. I cut his hair (buzz) and I think he would look better if he grew it out and had it professionally cut, but it is not worth it to us. I have a friend, though, who needed a new job in his forties and with early graying of his hair he was persuaded to color it for job interviews. Yes that seems wrong to us frugal people, but when it comes to first impressions it may be worth it to kick your style up a notch. As for dating, though, you need to attract a woman with similar values, that is different than a job interview in a lot of ways. So keep cutting your hair. A woman who values what you do will see beyond that. Just make sure you are not asking out women with perfectly coiffed hair. Maybe you need to rethink who you are attracted to and why. Or maybe not. You are probably doing it all right.
This is a very insightful article. I’m long past the age of responding to advertisements for clothes, beauty products, and gadgetry; I simply don’t care about those things anymore, and I’m well aware that my self-worth isn’t shaped by the purchase of any particular product. I’m horrified by the Big Pharma ads targeting my cohort – the Boomers – which make it sound like we are all falling apart from a variety of syndromes and ailments that we need to “ask our doctor about” and appeal to the tiny (or not so tiny) neurotic voices within us. I notice those ads, for some reason, and as you suggest, I do notice my emotions in response. I think my face gets the old pistachio look you speak of, as a matter of fact.
I’ve got to believe there are young women in your community who share your desire to live frugally and wouldn’t be put off by a home haircut. With all the dating sites out there, perhaps it’s time to start one specifically for those interested in a minimalist lifestyle.
Keep living in a way that is consistent with your values and vision!
Thank you for sharing your story. She obviously isn’t the girl for you. You made me think about how the things we say can be so insulting. I bet she didn’t think twice of what she said and probably didn’t realize the impact of her words. It would be awesome if the app would allow you to tell a little about yourself. Good luck and I enjoyed your post!
http://www.delabellesbeautyblog.com
You are so right. Ads play to our insecurities and urge us to quell them with money. And it must never work, because ads continue to get us even after we do what they tell us to. You’re also right that refusing to give in to such a gullible consumer mentality is a difficult battle. The pressure to keep up is real. But I think we can experience enough joy in letting those things go that it’s still worth it. Thanks for sharing this!
I cut my own hair and people don’t believe me. It is the best $20 investment you man make at Costco :)
I’m sorry that girl was so rude on your date. I remember when I was in college and graduate school there were many frugal dates. I found by suggesting dates like go for a walk, a picnic, a potluck, free sporting event on campus, cheap or free play/concert on campus, or make a meal at home or a friend’s house that I could weed out a lot of the materialistic jerks.
I met my husband while we were in graduate school at a friend’s birthday party at a bar. Since I was the DD the bar gave me free soda all night We met up at the coffee house for our first date, cost me all of $3 for our drinks. That was one of our more expensive dates. Are there any slow food groups there near your campus? That could be a place to meet people with a similar lifestyle.
Sam! I am glad that you ran from that girl! No happiness could be found with a girl like that!!! My brother has always cut his own hair and his younger brothers hair. Now he cuts his 2 sons hair as well! He has always been “cool” and is living a life of excitement and adventure visiting another country because he has chose to put his money to better use. Be yourself always in dating because believe me we all “be ourselves” after years of marriage. It’s a great marriage when we have “been ourselves” BEFORE and AFTER marriage. Keep up the good work and someday when you answer ” I did it myself” she will answer “Awesome, great haircut!” Alas, you will be in love!!:)
So, I was going to say, hey, maybe you need to just skill up and learn a new style, but I read the other commenter who said your hair looked fine. After just being in a man salon yesterday with my sons, I thought I would look.
Dude, you’re fine.
I wish I knew how to cut hair. It is high on my list of skills to learn. My coparent (exhusband) and I are tired of how children are treated in these places, too.
I am fairly minimalist, but have found myself in ad/marketing in media for our rural main streets. I love it. Trust me, there is so much true quality out there to buy (and not just consume and burn through), but much of that isn’t what we end up consuming as media. It’s too bad really.
Recently, I started getting my hair done regularly, but I totally understand what you’re saying. I think minimalism (frugality) is also about spending money on what we feel are important to us, whether they may seem essential to someone else or not.
But your hair is fine.
I am going through the same thing in dating. I have to explain myself over and over again on why I choose to save money and spend on long-term travel, rather than buying designer shoes or jeans; why I get all of my clothes from clothing swaps; why I don’t want to spend the money on an expensive restaurant at the moment as I save up for a spectacular future.
I find that the minute someone starts judging me, I know that is the wrong person for me, and I move on. I use this as a barometer for if someone is for me or not. It works out well, even though sometimes I need to go back to my support to see if I am doing the right thing (which I am).
I’ve been cutting my husband’s hair for years now, and our kids (aged 8 and 11) have not yet had a paid haircut…. they find it unusual that some mothers don’t cut hair :)
Be yourself, the rest will follow.
Love your post and totally reminded me of my older brother who lives a minimalistic life for the past 20 years. I used to tell him a long time ago that he will not be able to date a women this way and that going to the park for walks will not be satisfying to a woman after a while…I quickly learned from my older brother that the importance is being happy and satisfied with the life you chose and finding a woman who fits his lifestyle is an addition and should not be a distraction.
She’s definitely not the girl for you, Sam! I think it’s awesome that you cut your own hair. I’ve been buzzing my husband’s hair for years and I doubt he’ll ever set foot in a barbershop again. I’m sorry the date turned out like that–there’s a frugal gal out there for you, I’m sure!
The clarion call to buy, buy, buy is something I’ve become increasingly disgusted with. I see prompts to consume everywhere and it’s shocking how transparent advertisers are in their ploys to make us feel inadequate, ugly, and unloved unless we buy into their products.
Not buying clothes for all of 2014 was a great eye-opener for me and caused me to realize how much my self-worth was caught up in the clothes that I wear. It was such an enlightening journey that I’m going to do it again in 2015! Thank you for this post!
Hi Sam. I remember reading one of your posts before and I really enjoyed it. First of all, always remember that you don’t need a girlfriend for happiness. Finding that right person is just icing on the cake. IF you want to date from online, I would suggest a different site where you could put a profile out. There are so many wonderful people like us out there. Also, if you believe in God…ask Him to send that special someone your way :) Truthfully, you will meet someone when you least expect it. Don’t change for anyone. Good luck Sam! <3
Dear Sam,
your article really resonates with me. Having let go of certain wants puzzles other people. My girlfriend often says: “The sad thing is that you’ve got such a good taste, but you just don’t care about fashion!”. I know what suits me well and what’s in vogue, but that doesn’t mean I am going to buy new clothes. A minimalist way to deal with this is bartering or sharing clothes with friends.
The only advice I can give you is to stick to your ideals. A man that submits to every wish of his woman loses his attractiveness fast. Compromises can be made when the relationship means more to you than your original standpoint. But who can say that about the relationship to a person you just got to know? Live and support your idea of minimalism with integrity, but without being rigid. Some people may turn their backs on you, but it is better than turning your back on yourself.
Great post :) Keep it up!
Just had a look at your webiste – your hair looks perfectly fine! ;-)
Hah! Thanks Sonja. :)
Interestingly, there has been an increase of men returning to the single blade safety razor of the 1940’s or indeed the old cut throat razor – both frugal and minimal in their own way and ever so more classy.
You sound like a very nice man with values.
It’s her loss!
Angela
Sam, this is a very refreshing take, thanks for sharing! As a female I can totally relate to your experience, and also have noticed more and more products being marketed to men in the personal grooming field–maybe someday men will catch up to women in this department.
Just the other day, I wanted to buy a disposable razor while on vacation with my husband. I only needed one for us to share to get us through the two weeks, and we cannot travel with our beloved safety razor in our carry-on only travel plan. I ended up finding one that seemed reasonable, to later discover it was marketed as a special “body hair only” razor for men. We had a good laugh, as my husband doesn’t shave his body hair, and I couldn’t care less. Literally, I had 50+ razors to choose from, but there had to be a special male body hair one made. I can’t help but think what the commercial must be like!
I have been with my husband for years and remember specifically dating someone before him who was very aware that our looks as the “perfect couple” could be achieved with shopping. Styling clothes, cool bumperstrickers, whatever conveys they perfect image to the outside. It’s no wonder we didn’t last :-)
Soon, you’ll find someone who doesn’t care that you cut your own hair, or who doesn’t care what razor you use, etc. And coffee/tea or walking/park dates are always a budget saver–we use them on our tight budget months–and most Sundays!
Krystal,
Thanks for your sweet comment and encouragement. You are absolutely right, that coffee dates would be far cheaper. I will definitely be putting this idea to use.
To your earlier points, you’re absolutely right. Both men and women are getting marketed to at alarming rates for various grooming and beauty products. If advertisers succeed with setting a new cultural norm, it can be difficult not to buy more — to feel “in.”
Appreciated your little example about a past relationship. It’s helpful to know that there’s hope! :)
All the best,
Sam
This is a great article. I’ve been cutting my own hair for years (yes I’m female and my hair is very long). I can’t fathom paying $80 for a good haircut when I know exactly how I like my hair. I also groom my dog because the prices for dog grooming are just as ridiculous…….on a side note, first date ideas that don’t cost much: a lovely picnic next to water with ducks, a hike in a canyon/on a beach/in a mountain, star gazing with a jug of peppermint tea or hot cocoa in tow, a trip to a local museum or art studio. These are things I love to do and I imagine if you find someone who also likes to do these things, you will have found someone who also lives a similar lifestyle as you :)
I get my hair cut for free as I look after the salon’s flower pots. Lunch or coffee are THE best dates – no pressure!
Where in the world are you going that it costs 80 bucks for a hair cut??? Walmart cuts hair just fine for 15.50 and that includes the hair wash!
Just Fyi, if you are traveling through US security you can bring a disposable razor in your carry on bag. Might be helpful next time.