Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.
“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace
Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.
My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.
Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.
As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.
With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.
If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.
Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!
These questions course through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.
Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.
The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.
“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.
I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”
Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.
Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”
I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.
Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.
Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?
Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”
Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”
Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?
Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.
Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.
***
Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter.
donna says
Sam! I am glad that you ran from that girl! No happiness could be found with a girl like that!!! My brother has always cut his own hair and his younger brothers hair. Now he cuts his 2 sons hair as well! He has always been “cool” and is living a life of excitement and adventure visiting another country because he has chose to put his money to better use. Be yourself always in dating because believe me we all “be ourselves” after years of marriage. It’s a great marriage when we have “been ourselves” BEFORE and AFTER marriage. Keep up the good work and someday when you answer ” I did it myself” she will answer “Awesome, great haircut!” Alas, you will be in love!!:)
Tasi Livermont says
So, I was going to say, hey, maybe you need to just skill up and learn a new style, but I read the other commenter who said your hair looked fine. After just being in a man salon yesterday with my sons, I thought I would look.
Dude, you’re fine.
I wish I knew how to cut hair. It is high on my list of skills to learn. My coparent (exhusband) and I are tired of how children are treated in these places, too.
I am fairly minimalist, but have found myself in ad/marketing in media for our rural main streets. I love it. Trust me, there is so much true quality out there to buy (and not just consume and burn through), but much of that isn’t what we end up consuming as media. It’s too bad really.
Recently, I started getting my hair done regularly, but I totally understand what you’re saying. I think minimalism (frugality) is also about spending money on what we feel are important to us, whether they may seem essential to someone else or not.
But your hair is fine.
BrownVagabonder says
I am going through the same thing in dating. I have to explain myself over and over again on why I choose to save money and spend on long-term travel, rather than buying designer shoes or jeans; why I get all of my clothes from clothing swaps; why I don’t want to spend the money on an expensive restaurant at the moment as I save up for a spectacular future.
I find that the minute someone starts judging me, I know that is the wrong person for me, and I move on. I use this as a barometer for if someone is for me or not. It works out well, even though sometimes I need to go back to my support to see if I am doing the right thing (which I am).
sally says
I’ve been cutting my husband’s hair for years now, and our kids (aged 8 and 11) have not yet had a paid haircut…. they find it unusual that some mothers don’t cut hair :)
Be yourself, the rest will follow.
Manuela says
Love your post and totally reminded me of my older brother who lives a minimalistic life for the past 20 years. I used to tell him a long time ago that he will not be able to date a women this way and that going to the park for walks will not be satisfying to a woman after a while…I quickly learned from my older brother that the importance is being happy and satisfied with the life you chose and finding a woman who fits his lifestyle is an addition and should not be a distraction.
Mrs. Frugalwoods says
She’s definitely not the girl for you, Sam! I think it’s awesome that you cut your own hair. I’ve been buzzing my husband’s hair for years and I doubt he’ll ever set foot in a barbershop again. I’m sorry the date turned out like that–there’s a frugal gal out there for you, I’m sure!
The clarion call to buy, buy, buy is something I’ve become increasingly disgusted with. I see prompts to consume everywhere and it’s shocking how transparent advertisers are in their ploys to make us feel inadequate, ugly, and unloved unless we buy into their products.
Not buying clothes for all of 2014 was a great eye-opener for me and caused me to realize how much my self-worth was caught up in the clothes that I wear. It was such an enlightening journey that I’m going to do it again in 2015! Thank you for this post!
Judy says
Hi Sam. I remember reading one of your posts before and I really enjoyed it. First of all, always remember that you don’t need a girlfriend for happiness. Finding that right person is just icing on the cake. IF you want to date from online, I would suggest a different site where you could put a profile out. There are so many wonderful people like us out there. Also, if you believe in God…ask Him to send that special someone your way :) Truthfully, you will meet someone when you least expect it. Don’t change for anyone. Good luck Sam! <3
Tobias (KLAFATOA) says
Dear Sam,
your article really resonates with me. Having let go of certain wants puzzles other people. My girlfriend often says: “The sad thing is that you’ve got such a good taste, but you just don’t care about fashion!”. I know what suits me well and what’s in vogue, but that doesn’t mean I am going to buy new clothes. A minimalist way to deal with this is bartering or sharing clothes with friends.
The only advice I can give you is to stick to your ideals. A man that submits to every wish of his woman loses his attractiveness fast. Compromises can be made when the relationship means more to you than your original standpoint. But who can say that about the relationship to a person you just got to know? Live and support your idea of minimalism with integrity, but without being rigid. Some people may turn their backs on you, but it is better than turning your back on yourself.
Great post :) Keep it up!
Sonja says
Just had a look at your webiste – your hair looks perfectly fine! ;-)
Sam @ Frugaling.org says
Hah! Thanks Sonja. :)
Phil Pogson says
Interestingly, there has been an increase of men returning to the single blade safety razor of the 1940’s or indeed the old cut throat razor – both frugal and minimal in their own way and ever so more classy.
Angela says
You sound like a very nice man with values.
It’s her loss!
Angela
Krystal says
Sam, this is a very refreshing take, thanks for sharing! As a female I can totally relate to your experience, and also have noticed more and more products being marketed to men in the personal grooming field–maybe someday men will catch up to women in this department.
Just the other day, I wanted to buy a disposable razor while on vacation with my husband. I only needed one for us to share to get us through the two weeks, and we cannot travel with our beloved safety razor in our carry-on only travel plan. I ended up finding one that seemed reasonable, to later discover it was marketed as a special “body hair only” razor for men. We had a good laugh, as my husband doesn’t shave his body hair, and I couldn’t care less. Literally, I had 50+ razors to choose from, but there had to be a special male body hair one made. I can’t help but think what the commercial must be like!
I have been with my husband for years and remember specifically dating someone before him who was very aware that our looks as the “perfect couple” could be achieved with shopping. Styling clothes, cool bumperstrickers, whatever conveys they perfect image to the outside. It’s no wonder we didn’t last :-)
Soon, you’ll find someone who doesn’t care that you cut your own hair, or who doesn’t care what razor you use, etc. And coffee/tea or walking/park dates are always a budget saver–we use them on our tight budget months–and most Sundays!
Sam @ Frugaling.org says
Krystal,
Thanks for your sweet comment and encouragement. You are absolutely right, that coffee dates would be far cheaper. I will definitely be putting this idea to use.
To your earlier points, you’re absolutely right. Both men and women are getting marketed to at alarming rates for various grooming and beauty products. If advertisers succeed with setting a new cultural norm, it can be difficult not to buy more — to feel “in.”
Appreciated your little example about a past relationship. It’s helpful to know that there’s hope! :)
All the best,
Sam
Rene Dumas says
This is a great article. I’ve been cutting my own hair for years (yes I’m female and my hair is very long). I can’t fathom paying $80 for a good haircut when I know exactly how I like my hair. I also groom my dog because the prices for dog grooming are just as ridiculous…….on a side note, first date ideas that don’t cost much: a lovely picnic next to water with ducks, a hike in a canyon/on a beach/in a mountain, star gazing with a jug of peppermint tea or hot cocoa in tow, a trip to a local museum or art studio. These are things I love to do and I imagine if you find someone who also likes to do these things, you will have found someone who also lives a similar lifestyle as you :)
Diane Kallal says
I get my hair cut for free as I look after the salon’s flower pots. Lunch or coffee are THE best dates – no pressure!
Sherrie says
Where in the world are you going that it costs 80 bucks for a hair cut??? Walmart cuts hair just fine for 15.50 and that includes the hair wash!
Sera says
Just Fyi, if you are traveling through US security you can bring a disposable razor in your carry on bag. Might be helpful next time.