“Where there is love there is life.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
People who choose minimalism as a lifestyle may face any number of doubters – these may be friends, colleagues, or parents. But what do you do when the biggest doubter of all is usually your biggest supporter? When the person you have chosen to live life with the closest, doesn’t see the benefits to your decision? When the person you love the most doesn’t support the new you? And the fact that you live together only complicates the issue… you share one space and so does your stuff.
When my wife and I decided to become a minimalist, we agreed together to pursue this new lifestyle. But, we’ve still had plenty of disagreements along the way about how much stuff to unload, how much stuff to keep, and how our purchasing habits would change. Our two most common areas of disagreement seem to revolve around clothing and children’s’ toys. Because we are not always on the same page, we have learned to compromise together.
But what should be done when your partner is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum – you are pursuing minimalism but your partner is a self-described hoarder or packrat. What steps can help these two lifestyles coexist?
1. Refuse to let stuff separate you. I have heard from a number of people who have taken steps to minimize their life, but in the process, they have become so frustrated with their partner that they have allowed strife and resentment to set in. Refuse to let that happen. Remember, you chose minimalism for a reason – most likely, you chose minimalism because you were frustrated with material things cluttering your life and preventing you from truly living it. You decided that you valued other things more than your possessions… like relationships with the people you love. If that is the case, it would be foolish to allow things (even if they are your partner’s) to again come between you and your most treasured relationship. Your loved ones are just too important. Realize that you can’t change someone else. Instead, rest patiently being assured that 50% minimalism is better than 0%.
2. Begin by purging your personal items. Resist the temptation to remove your partner’s belongings without permission. Start with your own stuff and minimize as much as you can without treading on shared territory. You may be surprised how much clutter you can remove from your home just by removing your own things.
3. Let your example speak for itself. Certainly, explain to your partner why you have chosen a minimalist lifestyle. But as much as you desire to debate and verbally convince your partner to choose it too, your actions will always speak louder than your words. Allow the benefits of your clutter-free life to do their own convincing. A clean, clutter-free side of your closet will always be far more convincing than a thorough explanation of the 80/20 principle. And a refreshingly stress-free desktop or nightstand will begin to look very attractive to your partner the first time they misplace something important.
4. Find common ground. Likely, there are some commonly used areas in your home that you can both agree need some uncluttering. Whether it be a junk drawer, a linen closet, the kitchen counters, or the garage, even the worst of hoarders can typically come to the rational conclusion that something can be better organized (no matter how small the area). Ask your partner about specific areas in your home that you would like to declutter. You just may be surprised how verbally supportive they can be when you get specific about what you would like to accomplish.
5. Be patient. Remember, one of the greatest markings of love is patience.
6. If the refusal to minimize their possessions is systemic of deeper issues, tread wisely. It is very possible that there may be some deep heart wounds that are causing your partner to be a hoarder. Your partner may be insecure and find their security in the things that they own. Your partner may have such a strong desire to impress others that they depend on their belongings for their purpose. Or their hoarding may be a symptom of OCD or another medical disorder. In any case, the correct step is to tread lightly and find your partner the support and help that they need.
Further Reading
Tumbleweed2 says
Remember what’s most important. Just be you. That is all anyone of us ever has anyway. We arrived on this earth just us and we leave just us. Just be you and don’t worry about leading by example. Minimalism is about us. Individual. Me. You. Others. Etc. etc. so do you and don’t worry about others. If you want to live a simpler life and have less stuff, then do it. If your partner, spouse whatever doesn’t want the same things then whatever. We still have and only will have just us. Don’t bother someone else’s world with your views on what’s right and wronge. How many things you should own etc. etc.
However, if this “other” needs help cleaning their stuff up because they own too much and leave it everywhere in the common areas (kitchen, bed, living, bath, rooms) then I say WAR is at hand. You want to leave all your stuff everywhere!!!!! No, no my friend you clean your stuff up or I through it out!!! Lol. Anywho. It doesn’t matter how much a person owns in a relationship…..it’s where they leave it that bothers us. Right!!??
Linda says
I’m at my wit’s end and don’t have anyone I can discuss this problem with. I’ve been married to a great man for almost 52 yrs. and we’re still dealing with this issue. It’s too late to change him now, but I still keep trying. It’s no big deal to him but is almost making me physically ill. He keeps saying we’ll get it done but “when” is anybody’s guess. I’m so frustrated & don’t want to argue about this anymore but don’t know what to do but “live” with it. If I’d let the main part of the house look like his basement room & garage, he’d flip out.
Dan Moriarity says
Great article, thanks for posting! I’m trying to move toward minimalism but struggling with the fact that I’m the only one in our household of 5 that feels this way. Your advice to lead by example was exactly what I needed to hear.
Toni says
I have asked my husband to please go through his things and sort out what he uses / wants to keep for over 20 yrs. We have recently (18 months ago) moved into a beautiful new home and the shed has been packed to the point that I have no place to put my outdoor things. I have gotten rid of so much stuff be cause there just isn’t room for it. I have given family heirlooms away for thus reason. I have a very small narrow storage area in my basement that everytime I clean it out he puts things in there and I have to crawl over things to get to what I need. He has over 200 hundred screwdrivers (not kidding) 2 snowblowers, ect., he has electronics he doesn’t use or need and says “Well I was going to sell them on Ebay” I’m still waiting. This spring (not waiting for him to do it anylonger) I’m cleaning out his stuff for him. If he wants it back he’ll have to buy it back from Goodwill. I can’t take all this clutter.
Sarah says
To Toni with 200 screwdrivers:
As soon as I read about your husband’s screwdrivers, I went into the workshop and gathered 4 screwdrivers for the goodwill. I left 44, but now the drawer will shut.
Maybe that’s all we can hope for — the drawers shut.
How did your Goodwill donation go?
Laura says
I’m beginning to think the only way to cope is to leave. We just see it differently and there’s constant promises and then reneging. I’m supposed to be patient?
The clutter and hoarding is a symbol of deeper problems, problems he doesn’t want to deal with.
He complains he’s overwhelmed. He works too much to keep up with current tasks, to put something away after he’s finished with it. And then of course when he wants it again…or I do, we can’t find it. What a waste of precious time! What a surprise he’s overwhelmed!
Too much stuff weighs you down, takes up your time, makes tasks less efficiently done. I’ve taken time to organize only to have it messed up, cluttered up and disorganized all over again within days.
When you move and have all that stuff, you have to move it, which takes time and money and lots of energy and then more time to figure out where to put it in the new place. And even if you leave it laying around wherever, it takes you more time to maneuver around it.
When you’re surrounded by the clutter of your past, there’s no room for your present. I have no patience left. Because the love ran out a long time ago.
char Mac says
I live with a spouse that is a hoarder; fortunately, because I have done daycare for 17 years, he is able to keep certain rooms clear for my daycare business. It’s the bedroom, office, garage and etc. Fortunately, he stacks things (not dumped on the floor) I have done major de-cluttering of my own stuff. I slooooowly get rid of “our” stuff such as 15 year old rusted paint cans. I hope he doesn’t fill in my empty spaces. The house looks so good now.
Larry says
Im 22 and nearly 23 with Autism. I live in a flat half an hour away from my Mum where I feel it is the only place I can truly be myself. My Mum strictly forbids me getting rid of my stuff and I fall out with her a lot nowadays so much and I often start to feel like we’re not even related at all.
I’m decluttering my bedroom at home because I want to be able to have a double bed in there because I find myself often nearly rolling out of my single bed I had since I was 10. I also often get this feeling my bedroom floor will one day literally cave in because my mums house dates back to 1600-1700. I also want to stay a minimalist when I inherit but much rather live in a bungalow. But I’ll just to wait and see.
Carole Steinberg says
I started getting rid of more and more stuff, mostly my own. It had always been organized and easy to deal with but I just wanted a more simple, travel friendly lifestyle. My husband got a little agitated at first and then I just decided to work only on my stuff. I put everything I own in one room and with it all out in my face, crowded in there, I began to edit all of it. I ended up with a cozy nest. I have a closet with my clothes and a shelf for my personal things and a small armoire for my crafts, a sleeping/resting mat and a sewing/craft table, all in a 13×13 room. I am just pretending to live as I would if we full timed in our RV (something we would like to do eventually). By setting this example, my husband has slowly started working on his man cave and keep only the things that are important. I would say just carry on doing what moves you to your goal and they will follow your lead.
mostlyprobably says
The minimalist lifestyle has appealed to me for a long time. I don’t understand the tendency for people to get emotionally bonded to stuff. That being said, I married a man who for whatever reason is very much attached to things (things in general). In our case, the underlying issue is the way in which each of us grew up–he grew up with very little, they were extremely poor, and his stuff was HIS STUFF, and nothing was EVER thrown away.
On the other hand, we grew up with everything we ever needed and quite a bit of what we wanted. We always had more than enough and if we were missing something, we got it right away. Having stuff just wasn’t a big deal. I came across your blog looking for a solution for how to deal with living a minimalist lifestyle when your biggest supporter is a packrat and found this to be a godsend. Thank you so much. :)
Joanne says
Sometimes just taking action can be enough. When I first started getting interested in downsizing my possessions, my boyfriend kind of humored me about it like I was going through some phase. But I just focused on my stuff and didn’t impose anything on him. I think once he saw how much more space it created and how downsizing can make daily life less complicated, he began to get on board. I call it “Operation Downsize” and it’s something I started last winter. It started with paring down my wardrobe and unfolded gradually. Nothing was forced, it was a process. Once I showed I was committed, he got on board. He not only started downsizing, he totally cleaned out a storage facility he’s had for the last couple of years. Now he is a big proponent of “Operation Downsize.”
di says
My boyfriend collects books from the dump. When his shelving broke, he finally brought the majority of them back to the dump.
Thereafter, he became very sick from the dust and mold that had been collecting on the books for years.
Lesson learned…