There are some pursuits in life that are both/and.
For example, “I want to be successful at work AND invest in my family.”
This is a both/and type of proposition. I know lots of men and women who are both successful in their careers and find time to intentionally invest in their families. In fact, I hope I am one of them.
But not every pursuit in life is a both/and proposition. Some pursuits are either/or.
And we face grave consequences when we incorrectly discern between them.
As an easy example, consider someone who thinks to themselves, “I want to be healthy AND never exercise or change my diet.”
It’s a rudimentary example, but the proposition above cannot come true. We can’t both be healthy and not exercise. Eventually, one will win out over the other. And in the example here, health is the positive outcome that will be sacrificed if we continue to assume both can be true.
This is, of course, a foolish example. Most people know that you can’t both be healthy and never exercise. Right?
But what about harder to discern scenarios?
I would like financial calm in my life AND continue my spending habits.
I would like a more peaceful home AND keep all my stuff.
I would like a more spiritual existence AND value the things of this world.
I would like more time with my family AND my calendar full of events with friends.
I would like to write that book AND watch television every night.
Incorrect assumptions about what pursuits are both/and vs. either/or can keep us stuck in a rut.
Even worse, too often when we don’t realize which options stand in opposition to one another, we slide toward the less desired outcome: we get unhealthier, our finances stay in the red, our homes remain cluttered, our family gets neglected, or the book never gets written.
Those are the grave consequences of not discerning correctly.
Steven Wright, the comedian, once quipped, “You can’t have it all. Where would you put it?”
And he was right. You can’t have it all. Sometimes you must choose.
As we consider the lives we are living, we would be wise to evaluate the direction of them.
Is there something we desire more of in our lives? Healthier habits, a calmer home, more intentional parenting, a more loving marriage, more generosity or gratitude, reaching a greater potential?
If so, what is the either/or proposition that might be getting in the way of that pursuit? What needs to be removed so the greater good can flourish?
This post really resonates. It is exactly what my husband and I are going through right now. How do we both have successful careers while also raising children, a dog, and working towards saving for hopefully an early retirement? You can’t have them all without relationships suffering. I spent the past 13 years of our marriage working full time while he was the home maker and caregiver to our children and pets. Now he feels like he’d like to try his hand at a career which would make less money than me. Can we both work full time and put our kids in before and after care and babysitting just so that we can make a lot of money? It doesn’t make sense. And living in the US makes it difficult to make these tough choices because the norm is to strive to have nice things, nice house, to have the appearance of wealth and success. It’s easy to forget that we could sacrifice some luxuries so that only one of us needs to work, and our children would always have one parent at home for them. I ramble, but you bring up good points that are so relevant to me right now! Thank you for your thoughtful post, as always.
This is such a truly insightful read that brought to mind having what we want and wanting what we have. I think if we want to have a both/and goals that would bring value to our lives, we need to be willing to work toward them. To think differently is delusional thinking.
This was an incredibly insightful way of highlighting the intentionality that comes with being responsible for ourselves/our possessions. Thank you for sharing your discernment!!!
After I read your post, I felt a sense of relief. We have to make sacrifices if we want things to change. Sacrificing comfort can be key toward positive changes. I think about the part of me who found it so scary to make mature decisions, until, one day, I recognized the empowerment that came along with making those types of decisions, as well as the confidence. Looking back, I wish I had realized, sooner, how much better life is when we choose this over that, knowing/trusting it’s for the best. It’s a necessary part of the process in finding out what really makes you happy. Less is often more, in the sense that you get to appreciate what’s around you instead of being overwhelmed by the things you’ve accumulated since high school. Lol Even in my jewelry-making endeavor, I’ve found that with fewer supplies, I am more inclined to create things as opposed to doing so when I own a mountain of supplies. Clarity and space allow for ideas to not merely exist, but to come into fruition and flow. I prefer flow over stagnation because I am constantly evolving and I want to live in a space that supports my evolution. ✨🙏✨ To elaborate further, I open up myself to think about what is really worth my time, energy, and all-around investment. I’m less likely to leave my messy home to go out and impulse-buy to get away from the overwhelming mess I can’t seem to chip away at – and then contribute more mess to because of the vicious cycle I’m allowing to hold me captive. There is so much freedom in owning far less and choosing engagement (relationships)/experiences over owning possessions. ☮️ I am moving into a position where I can professionally help people let go of their things to open up to living inside a home that has flow. It is such a magical, healing experience to go from having been there, yourself, to having the opportunity to help people climb out of their pile of neglected decisions and take the higher road towards making empowered, life-altering choices. 🌟 What a spiritual experience.