Note: This is a guest post by Hilary Barnett.
Death and taxes. Growing up, I remember hearing adults say that those were the only two things you couldn’t get out of. And as unpleasant as death and taxes are, in a way the statement gave me a sense of freedom.
Yes, death and taxes are inescapable, but the rest? Totally up to me! I get to decide what matters in my life, and it’s going to be awesome. As I grew up and had children of my own, however, that list started to grow exponentially.
Work, household chores, acquiring stuff, social commitments, climbing some invisible ladder of success, and the list went on and on. It was as though all of a sudden my “have to’s” had gotten to be too much for me to bear.
How can one person handle all this?
I was listening to a podcast recently interviewing two working mothers, and I kept hearing that same phrase over and over. I “have to” throw my kids an extravagant birthday party. I “have to” take this important business trip. I “have to” stay at the office late tonight.
It seems as though I’m not alone.
Why do we constantly add more “have to’s” to our list when they really are optional? Of course there are certain things that are out of our control, but it is much less than we imagine.
We make choices, we decide what our priorities are, and we give up certain things to gain others. Adding more and more to our list of “have to’s” is killing us. Because if everything matters, then nothing matters.
Eliminating the “Have To’s” in Life
With that in mind, I want to share a few ways I’ve tried to eliminate many of the “have to’s” in my life.
1. Replace attempts to control with a recognition of agency.
I constantly have to fight against my desire to control. I know that control is an illusion, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Recently I discovered the concept of agency, and I love how it can change our approach to life.
The definition of agency is the capacity to make choices and the power to act on them. Although I can’t control outcomes, I do have agency.
I can think about something I want, and act on that thought to make it a reality. This can apply in the smallest areas and also the largest goals you have in life. You may not be able to control outcomes, but you do have the power to decide and act.
2. Recover your intrinsic worth.
You must recover your sense of worth outside of anything you do or achieve. Everything in your schedule doesn’t just happen—it was put there. When we forget our worth, we forget what really matters to us.
We let others define our values and priorities. We begin to say yes to everything, and wonder why we are left so exhausted and drained. We don’t value our own time and abilities, and therefore sell them to the lowest bidder. Knowing your worth is the start of changing this pattern.
3. Picture how you want things to be. Say it out loud, and write it down.
I recently cleaned out my bookshelf and found notes from a life coaching certification course that I took about six years ago. As I thumbed through my notes on how I wanted my life to look in five years, I was awestruck.
Almost everything I had written down had come to pass. I couldn’t believe it, but it was right there in front of me, plain as day. When you have a clear picture of what you want, say it out loud and write it down. There is power in externalizing those thoughts and dreams.
When you have a clear picture of where you want to be, you will be more focused on getting there. The real “have to’s” will become much more clear.
4. Be honest with yourself about your choices.
Choosing one thing is saying no to another. We are finite beings with limited time, energy, and resources. When I was listening to the mothers on the podcast I mentioned earlier, it was obvious that they were feeling the pressure to choose between their startup company or their families, and that pressure is real.
I feel it every day. But the beauty of life lies in its finitude—everything is fleeting, so everything is more precious. Living in light of that reality helps us to choose what matters most in each moment.
For me, one moment that is my family, and the next it is my business. Being honest about my own motivations and clear about what I may be giving up helps me to know that although my choices are never perfect, they reflect what matters to me and the kind of life I want to have.
5.Replace “have to” with “get to”.
“Have to” is more a state of mind than a list of duties. Approaching life with a sense of gratitude can switch so many of the “have to’s” around.
I love this quote from Albert Einstein: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
As silly as this may sound, some of the more mundane responsibilities in our lives have much to teach us if we will slow down long enough to listen. I used to want to use all my power to escape the mundane, and since becoming a mother, I have witnessed some of the most magical moments in our everyday.
As you begin to eliminate some of the more burdensome “have to’s” from your list, remember that some of them may be there to help build your character in the long term.
Here’s to defining our “have to’s” on our own terms, and keeping a sense of gratitude and wonder along the way.
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Hilary Barnett is a mother of two daughters and writer at hilarybarnett.co, where she explores the intersection of motherhood, healing, and vocation. You can also follow her on Instagram.
This article resonated so strongly with me. As I read the first entry about having “agency” as opposed to “control”, I felt something loosen inside. Control is something I struggle with in all aspects of my life: my job, dealing with my kids, figuring out the future…reframing life from the perspective of agency helped shift something. Also knowing your intrinsic worth and what matters. And replacing “have to” with “get to”. I finished the article feeling less overwhelmed and more equipped. Thank you.
While the content of the article wasn’t lost on me, I couldn’t help but notice that the author contradicted herself twice. In an article about reducing “have tos,” she ironically used that exact phrase along with a “must” in her instruction to to the reader:
1. “I constantly HAVE TO fight against my desire for control.”
2. “You MUST recover your sense of worth ….”
I thought the whole point of the article is to reduce those put-upon expectations.
Interesting observation Alex, as I ponder my own words each day. I like to also try and turn the have to into want to & need to, to try & look at it from a different perspective. For me to say I get to do something does not resonate as well.
The article on busyness is spot on & once again I feel one has to slowly put the brain circuit on pause. Growing up in the 50’s I don’t feel deprived me of a decent life. My Mother had 8 children of which 6 of us survived. We had one TV, no Computers, no Answering Machines, No Cell Phones, & never felt we were keeping up with anything or anyone. We got outside as much as possible, climbed trees, played kickball, rode bicycles, you name it, it was fun. My Mom stayed at home while my Dad worked & her job was hard too like my Dad’s but they did their best to make it work, to try and have some sort of balance with all of the children. Yes technology has it’s place but I feel it is an illusion also to think that everyone can/wants to /is able to keep up with it all. I for one go at my own pace even if some people don’t get it. It is my business, my choice.
I think it takes some internalizing to find what works best for each of us & we all have the answers inside of us if we look hard enough.
My sister, Ann turned me onto becoming a “Minimalist” several years ago. I tried, but lost track of my goals. Today, my dear sister passed away. I will now try again in honor of the respect I have for her. She taught me so many things about caring and following my beliefs… I will miss my sister, but never forget her special ways and all that I learned from her…
So very sorry for your loss.?
My sister, Ann turned me onto becoming a “Minimalist” several years ago. I did try but lost track of my goals. Today, my dear sister passed away. I will now try again in honor of the respect I have for her. She taught me so many things about caring and setting goals… I will miss my sister, but never forget her special ways and all that I learned from her…
Simply wonderfully said!
Great post Hilary. I appreciated you positive outlook. It is super important to realize that we only have so much time and energy so that we don’t waste it. I think that one of the best things that has helped me to enjoy things I have to do is looking for the good in them. When I clean someone’s house for work I get to listen to my music or a book. When I have to fold laundry the same. If I have to go grocery shopping I get to plan fun meals to make and when I have to teach sign language to little girls I know I get to make friends and set them a positive female role model. Everything has its pros and cons but when we focus on the ways the have tos improve our lives we get to grow.
Also we can just say no. My mom always reminded me that the Bible says “be hospitable without grumbling” which I took to mean if I can’t do it without grumbling I need to say no. I only do what I actually want to do and that ends up being just right for everyone.
Also saying no to one thing means saying no to another but that’s how we make our days and our lives so it’s important that we say no to things that don’t build the life we want.
Thank you Hilary for this refreshing & insightful post. I totally agree with you about control being an illusion & have to remind myself of this in my own life journey now as an older woman with 2 feline children.
The “have to’s” in our lives can literally make us physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually sick if we are not able to as you say slow down and take a look at what we are doing. It goes along as well with Joshua’s 3 item to do list everyday. It takes a different perspective & occasional reevaluation of what our purpose & goals are, & to live with more intention.
Thank you also for the quote from Einstein!