“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” —Bernard M. Baruch
Long before becoming minimalist or embracing my love for writing, I attended a Graduate School in St. Paul, MN to major in Theological Studies. It was an intensive three-year program that focused on spiritual understanding and spiritual formation—I have since come to realize there is indeed a great difference between the two.
As part of an assignment for a personal development class, I was asked to refrain from speaking for 24 hours. “Pick any normal day,” the professor said, “and try not to say anything. That’s your assignment. We’ll talk about your experience when we return next week.”
The assignment was met with skepticism. But as I woke up on my selected day, within the first hour, I began to see the logic. By the end of the 24-hour period, my view of communication and the words we choose had changed forever. And I learned valuable truths about myself and my motivations.
It was, in fact, far more enlightening than I ever imagined.
As the professor outlined the assignment, he warned, “It’s very likely you will have to speak at some point during the day. It is difficult to make it through an entire day without communicating at all. But when you do have to speak, immediately go back to silence. Find space to dwell on the words you chose and the motivations behind them.”
This, then, became the greatest learning opportunity of the experiment. After speaking and returning to silence, my mind was left to dwell on the words I chose, my attitude in my speech, and my internal motivation behind it. Or when I didn’t speak, but really wanted to, I was forced to discover why I wanted to speak in each situation.
I quickly learned of my desire to control situations or convert someone to my opinion. Sometimes my words were motivated by love, but far more often than I’d like to admit, they were motivated by selfish pursuits, personal ambition, or a desire to impress others.
We often speak for the purpose of control: to control what people think of us or to make sure people do what we want done in the way we want it. We often use our words to cover-up or hide our mistakes or faults. We use words to explain ourselves to others. Hugh Prather may have been right when he said, “No matter what we talk about, we are talking about ourselves.”
Refusing to speak forces us to embrace silence. And in a world addicted to noise, idle chatter, and meaningless words, silence can be very uncomfortable. But there is great life to be found in solitude—if only we’d give it opportunity.
It was, indeed, a heart-revealing assignment that resulted in personal (and spiritual) development. Even 10 years later, I remember it well and I have recommended it countless times to others. Today, I recommend it to you.
To conduct a 24-hour experiment of your own, here are a few helpful tips:
1. Choose a “normal” day. For example, don’t choose a day you already planned to be alone in the woods or driving a car alone for 8 hours. Choose a day where you will engage in normal relationships with other people. Avoid excessive external stimulation: MP3 players, radio, television, video games. Provide space for your thoughts.
2. Inform your closest relationships. Tell your spouse and/or kids about your experiment. If appropriate, inform your co-workers. This will be helpful as the day unfolds—and a bit comical as they try really hard to get you to talk.
3. Don’t be rude. Don’t be unloving. Just decide not to speak unless you are spoken to.
4. Study the silence. Is it difficult? Uncomfortable? Do you feel an urge to talk just to break it? And if so, why?
5. Notice your urge to speak. They will be far more common than you expect. Investigate your intention when you feel the urge. For what reason did you feel compelled to speak?
6. When you do speak, choose words that are “few and full.” And then return to your discipline.
7. After you speak, journey inward. Wrestle with the words you chose. Why did you choose them? What were you hoping to accomplish? And what were your internal motivations in choosing the words you did?
8. If possible, choose a friend to do the experiment with you. You can send them this post for motivation and information. Afterwards, share your victories and your failures. Together, you’ll be able to process the day better.
Talking can be fun. But silence can be life-transforming. We would be wise to provide it more opportunity.
Image: John Lemieux
I love going on silent retreats. Unfortunately, even there I find so many people resist entering the silence. Many of retreats I go on would be made exponentially better if the people there would just be quiet! But often the presenter has to try to convince people to stick to silence for mere portions of the day, or for a single meal. Eating together in silence is transformational! Yet it’s so hard to find a group of people willing to enter the silence together. I’m going to try this experiment at home. I like the idea of only speaking when spoken to, as it brings a sense of balance to my tendency to go to the extremes! Though I wonder what you think about this: my family is learning ASL. If entering silence motivates us to practice what we know of sign language, is that cheating? It would certainly be a matter of choosing our words carefully bc we don’t know very many and it’s even harder for me to recognize them than it is to sign them. Would this then turn into a different kind of experiment?
What is the difference between spiritual formation & spirotual understanding?
Oh thank you so much for this article! I have just, in recent months, realized how often I make any conversation about me …. Even if I think I’m only trying to agree with the person I always end up with a personal example or comment …. I dislike it almost to the point of hating it and I have prayed every time I’m getting together with anyone or a group that God would zip my lips … I’ve succeeded a few times but fall back into the trap and walk away muttering to myself ‘you did it again! It’s NOT all about you!’ I have started apologizing… a lot … for my bad habit and now I’ve seen it in print – here – and some ideas for how to avoid it I thank you
Hello Diana –
I am a high school teacher. More often than not we need to pass on the knowledge we want to share and hoping this student will be listening – I know this because I often mean well – as I have been told so many time about me and it would be a challenge to do differently as Joshua wrote
You sound like a very forgiven persons and perfect friend to a person who has so much to tell but prefer others to hear what you have to say. High school kids would often do this!
Being a minimalist , well for me it is the road to success. There is always a lot more room for improvement….
Best –
Bonnie
Hello Diana –
I am a high school teacher. More often than not we need to pass on the knowledge we want to share and hoping this student will be listening – I know this because I often mean well – as I have been told so many time about me and it would be a challenge to do differently as Joshua wrote
You sound like a very forgiven persons and perfect friend to a person who has so much to tell but prefer others to hear what you have to say. High school kids would often do this!
Being a minimalist , well for me it is the road to success. There is always a lot more room for improvement….
Best –
Bonnie
Thank you so much for this. It is a wonderful reminder.
As a senior in high school many many years ago my entire behavioral science class was given this very same assignment. Even as a person who was shy and rather quiet I struggled with this. I can still remember, later in that day seeing/watching a guy from my class sit quietly while I was talking away. I wondered how he was doing it while I talked and felt guilty for doing so.
Now as a retired 63 year old, I often think of how much I do talk and how little I really say. I have a place I go for a bit of socializing but am finding myself more and more wanting to talk only if spoken to. This article is giving me the push to do this even more. Thank you so much ??
I was very quiet as a kid. There was a lot of guilt for that. People look at you as shy or talk down on you for it. It is almost like people thought something was wrong with me. Or maybe I just thought people thought that. Now that I am older I don’t care as much what people think and realize I just don’t like to talk that much. When I do talk it’s to the point. I am very aware of what is going on around me. I can discern what a person is like real fast. I am a great listener. Now don’t get me wrong I can talk a lot and be loud if needed. But generally speaking I just like to be quiet. I like nature and loud people annoy me. It’s who I am. I wish there wasn’t a prejudice on people like me. But if they don’t like it it’s their problem.
It’s now 2021 and I have just discovered this post! Post-Covid and coming out the other side. I have always been a ‘chatty Cathy’ – my life, my work….everything revolved around talking. Four years ago I retired to Spain and I’ve learned to slow down – not just physically, but mentally too. It’s an amazing country – one foot in the 19th century, the other foot in the 21st – and there are many, many contradictions. It wrong-footed me at first and I suffered. Gradually, I allowed myself to slide into the lifestyle and I think a lot about how, why, where and let the when look after itself. Thank you for your truly wise words, I’m going to have a go, I’m in the right place and time to accept what I discover……..
I am looking forward to trying this. Just wondering if writing should be avoided, too.
Thanks for all of your wonderful ideas!
The link doesnt work.
I discovered the writings of Thomas Merton 25 years ago and realized for the first time that my life could be richer, deeper and more meaningful if I simply talked less and with more intention.
Silence helps me to listen more deeply and with more compassion, think more clearly and practice the present moment with more clarity. Paradoxically, choosing to speak even 10% less puts me more in touch with others not less. The only regret I have is that I have not applied what I learned more consistently.
A friend who is older and unpartnered spent three weeks in hospital after major, major surgery. He asked me to sit with him to deflect company, interact with staff, and keep him company. He said he’d picked me because I could sit quietly. He was very sick. I was amazed at how often I wanted to start a conversation and had to quiet myself. I knit six pair of socks those three weeks as I sat and prayed for him.
Oh, this experiment is going to be good : ) Thank you for sharing.
I work for the public and often wish I could have a mute button for them. It is surprising how many people have no filters. I have purposely used silence as a mental therapy for myself, and find this positive relief as I age. Could we also have a mute button for whiners and complainers? Surely we can think up some technical advancement for this.
I am interested in reading more of your thoughts on this:
“It was an intensive three-year program that focused on spiritual understanding and spiritual formation—I have since come to realize there is indeed a great difference between the two.”
Not sure if you “go there” on topics such as this on your minimalist blog, but this is something that I am grappling with right now in my life and would love to get perspective. Thanks!
Funny, so many people commenting on the benefits of the 24 hour silence
exercise have extremely long posts. Hahahaha
Thank you for sharing your experience.
1) Did you also avoid posting to, or reading social media?
2) Would you consider speaking to my cat as a deviation from the 24 hour period of silence?
Yes, I think I would avoid posting to social media during the exercise. I also think I would avoid speaking to your cat.
Hi Joshua, thank you for sharing this task, I have a very bad temper and hoping this task will help me in some way, starting from today. I hope I’ll be a better person and good listener rather than having an opinion on everything.
When I was in college and taking an education course on special students, we were challenged to cover our eyes and go around campus for 24 hours without being able to see. It is equally insightful–and you learn to listen a bit better for a while.
I would like people to take note how many times during they use the words “you always” and “you never”. That and almost anything that starts with you, (you always over think everything) (you worry too much) you just need to care more, etc. those will shut down my feeling safe to talk to you instantly. Be patient and kind. Show love and respect and offer time to listen and listen some more. Don’t tell us what we’re doing all wrong, how we ended up in this boat, how to fix it and don’t lecture us. Just
Iisten. With your ears and your eyes . Feel what we feel. Damn it hurts.
Great thoughts! When greeting someone as you pass them, it is so easy to say ‘Hi, How are you?’ – without stopping to find out how they actually are. Best to just say ‘Hi’ with a smile, if you can’t really stop to chat and listen. Think about what you say :)
Today I started this experiment at 6.30 a.m. but unfortunately by 4 p.m. I had to stop (my husband and I received a very important news by the phone and had to talk about it in detail). Still, this experiment had been the most interesting I ever tried; have been thoroughly enjoyable and it revealed things about myself that were very useful to know of. Yes, you were right – family members will try to get you to talk but laughing was acceptable, great fun!
More words come out of my mouth on any given day that anyone else on Earth. I have always made my living by non-stop talking. Acting, presenting, selling. Blah blah blah. When I am not working I am talking. My voice is permanently hoarse from overuse. I have actual damaged vocal chords, from nothing other than, yes, talking. I had a scope put down my nose to check for sure. Even my own mother told me, “Pippy, we are all able to say so many words in a lifetime, and you have said all yours.” My new husband loves my wit, and humor and my ability to barge into a conversation, take it over, and make it all about me, or a subject that just might enjoy more, everyone laughing, not realizing what has just happened. But not everyone thinks that I am so charming. I am so brilliant that sometimes I stop in the middle of a clever story, laugh out loud and tell everyone listening that I must be a genius to have thought of something so extraordinary. Nasa should hire me to work for their think tank, I am full of such great ideas! I am not trying to be conceded. I just want everyone to realize what I am saying is special and unique. I am actually very enjoyable, most of the time. But I know I get old. One morning, my voice would not work at all. Barely a squeak came out. I was at a big weekend event with hundreds of my friends, and I had talked the night away. My dear friend, a healer, told me to take a break from talking. I decided to take a vow of silence. For four whole hours. In these four hours I learned more than I ever have about myself. I was DYING to speak, constantly. I would walk away and think about what I wanted to say, and realized that it did not need to be said. Most of it was rubbish. As my friends woke up, and passed me and said good morning, I smiled, hugged them, patted them, kissed them and sighed, never saying a word. Enjoying the beautiful morning, the birds, the trees, noticing my friends, seemingly for the first time. Taking it all in. This was one of the loveliest mornings of my life. Since then I have used this story in many conversations about myself, however, this article reminds me that maybe I should try this again sometime. I know my friends would not mind. Neither would my Mother
I’ve actually got the opposite problem. I’ve always been a quiet person, intensely analyzing everything I say to make sure it was “okay” and what my words communicated to each listener. It’s not unusual for me to get the sarcastic comment, “I sure wish you wouldn’t talk so much,” and people often feel disconnected from me because I don’t easily share myself. But when I do open up, I’m purposeful about what, when, and why I share. I have to practice the flip side of this coin, giving people a chance to hear my thoughts even when those thoughts aren’t spectacular. Then I learn about the character of other people as I see how they handle the real me, and I generally learn that I’m much more loved and accepted than I ever would have given myself credit for.
I agree with the author here that evaluating your purposes in speaking will teach you so much about yourself, and a 24 hour silence experiment is useful for people who talk often already. Just wanted to point out there are people who may need to practice the other side…learning to take the risk of sharing ourselves with others more. When you open up and share authentic parts of yourself, and then evaluate others’ responses as a window into their hearts, it’s another great way to learn about and bond with others. The key is in being *authentic* with the things we say.
Thanks for letting me share. :)
I totally agree with you becose this is exactly my case, i dont usully speak or be around people, i m quiet all the time and dont open my mouth unless others speak to me. I will be pleased to hear from the author that he is planning a little challenge,to be the opposite of this one, and i am sure it will help me and a lot of my fellow silent dudes as i read through comments, i dont know why but i felt that i rly want to give sme of my thoughts on this one.
And thank you all
Mini retreats like this are a wonderful idea. Thanks Joshua! As for myself, I think even 24 hours would be a tad too much for the first go. I’d probably start with something like a quarter day and then build from there!
Jeff: You’re absolutely right. UPS, hweveor, which is denying spousal benefits to civilly united same-sex couples in New Jersey, is granting spousal benefits to married same-sex couples in Massachusetts. DOMA aside, the word marriage prompts different behaviors from the words civil union. Of course any state that doesn’t recognize a legal union performed in another state, whether it’s marriage or civil union, is nonetheless in violation of the full faith and credit clause of the US Constitution.
This reminds me of what Judge Judy says to folks who are not grasping what she is trying to tell them: “God gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason” Try listening more!