“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke
Recently, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.
Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.
She sums up our current challenge like this:
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.
Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)
Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).
Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”
There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.
But a conversation about technology addiction is one we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.
I would like to start. My children are both teenagers.
Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:
1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly.
We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.
2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time on kids: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2.
For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”
3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.
4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell.
But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.
5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.
6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.
7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.
8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person.
Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.
9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.
Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?
Andy says
My ADHD son calms down from his tantrums when I let him watch cartoons on his iPad. I do not let him use it all day just so you know, I regulate when he can watch videos, usually after he eats his veggies.
Janett says
Interesting ! Questions : what are the only electronic tools you want to keep for you and for your kids? And how many in total ? Cellphone, TV, music, vacuum :;-)
Chantal says
I feel like outdoor time is equally as important as limited screen time. Our kids are too young to worry about facebook accounts etc but we’ve implemented a trade: 1 hour of shows has to be preceeded by 2 hours of fresh air AND this only applies to poor weather days. If the sun is out we have zero TV time. Honestly, we do very little screen time and I still regret it when we do…it makes my son crazy when I turn it off..even with ample warning. I read a quote recently that I love: “kids bouncing off the walls? Take away the walls”. Yes!
Donamarie says
Joshua, I am wondering why the iPod at age 7? Our daughter will be nine and does have a tablet for watching shows , some games ect…, but I am wondering if you chose this as a first into to online technology? It would be helpful to know. It’s such a hard line. Thanks and love all your articles!!!! Donna
joshua becker says
7 was selected as a magical age by ay stretch of the imagination. As I mentioned in the article, I don’t want to discourage the use of technology and I want them both to be comfortable using it — not just watching shows, but navigating menus and settings and software. 7 may not be the right age for every child, but it seemed right for ours. And by that, I mean, I thought they were old enough to begin learning the functions and also responsible enough to not allow it to consume their lives either. Hope that helps.
Art says
So you and your kids are basically proceeding cautiously with technology. I think most parents are going that route but not many have a real grasp on what is slowly coming up. The future of tech and how it will penetrate or lives deeper and deeper as the years roll on by. We’ve had smart phones for around 10 years. Wearables are are becoming more popular. The trend with tech is its progressive miniaturization and eventually it will be in our bodies. We’ve been interfacing with it mainly with eyes, fingers and ears. A direct brain connection is where this is headed. Couple that with the rapid development of AI and deep learning and things look potentially catastrophic or potentially utopian. But remember. This is tech. Adopting any tech at all means relinquishing control. Eventually humans will no longer be in control when AI becomes more evolved. I guess the more and more I envision the future and the trends of human history, I just feel so uneasy. I’ve been feeling more and more uneasy with even current tech that I’ve been using for years. I just see how it takes over the family. I’ve witnessed my children’s mom just taking away at the phone totally ignoring them. I’ve witnessed my self do it too. I’ve seen friends just ignoring each other because of their phone addictions. Or society blindly moves forward to a future that feels gross.
rosemarie cayanong says
i have 13 yr old twin boys . My bug problems to them are:
they keep bullying each orher
they compete too much in so many ways, like school achievements, sports, household chores etc.
from the time they wake up up to bedtime they always gave an issue to argue.
It provoked me to lose my patienceand controled.
Please help me to handle this to have a happy life with them.
Vicky D. says
Great post! I’m a 39 year old “cool mom” to my 16 1/2 teenage daughter. I restricted tv when she started kinder up until high school. I read everyday to her since she was born up until middle school. She has been involved in extracurricular activities such as musicals/drama, swimming, soccer, gymnastics,to cheerleading which she currently participates. Overall. She’s a great kid, awesome friend and good student. She did get her first phone at the end of 8th grade. my biggest pet peeve, is that she constantly gets distracted with the twitter and snapchats with her friends and has caused her to be less responsible in staying on top of homework and projects. I get worried. Is she expecting me to always be reminding her to take a break from social media? If i don’t say anything, will she fail? She has a 3.2 GPA and is super busy with school and cheer, but next year she will be a senior, time to apply for college and I’m just worried that the distraction from social media will take a greater hold. I don’t know how to approach this iTeenage era. Every one made valid points. And if i take away, she will want it more..if i don’t. I will have to be there to rescue her from procrastination. But i won’t always be there…. hate this..
I love the technology, but it sucks when it competes with your parenting and discipline. Good luck!
Caille says
Hi Vicky: I would like to offer a solution. Have you considered telling your daughter of your concerns? I’m wondering if you genuinely express your concerns and provide examples of how some social media habits may hinder future opportunities, she might understand where you’re coming from. I find when expressing my ideas with others and have them see my way, I get my message across easier when I position how the choice or situation would benefit the other person.
You could say something along the lines of: “I know you’re at a time in your life where friends and social media are super important, but I really want you to see the bigger picture here and what could be at stake if you continue to prioritize them over school. I want you to grow up to be able to make all the choices you want, and to do so, you need to gain the upper hand. One way to do that is to work really hard at school so that doors can open for you in the future. I don’t want you to regret not making that extra effort to get what you want out of life, and it all starts with a good education. I know you’re a responsible young lady and I trust you to make the best decisions for yourself, but I’ve noticed that I am constantly reminding you to turn off your social media distractions. I really want you to consider your priorities and really make that extra effort to put school before social media. I know you can do it, and I want to see you succeed.”
In that paragraph, I addressed the problem and geniune concerns for her success, provided a solution, and broke down why the solution was so important (to me/you/parents).
Hope this helps!
Amy says
Don’t remind her. Let her fail and then take the phone. Simple as that. That’s what I have done with my child who just graduated. If she suffers no consequence she will never change her behavior.