“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke
Recently, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.
Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.
She sums up our current challenge like this:
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.
Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)
Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).
Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”
There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.
But a conversation about technology addiction is one we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.
I would like to start. My children are both teenagers.
Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:
1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly.
We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.
2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time on kids: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2.
For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”
3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.
4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell.
But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.
5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.
6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.
7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.
8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person.
Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.
9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.
Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?
Jolene says
I think one other thing that I try to do with my children is cultivate an appreciation for tangible things and a love of nature. We like being creative and curious about our physical world and exploring it. Technology helps us to find ways in which we can explore the world differently. Birding and plant identification apps. Recipes and gardening guides. Arts and crafts tutorials. Science experiments. It’s important to realize that technology is meant to enhance how we live in the world, not replace it.
Franziska Eberhardt says
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this!!! My husband and I have been trying to find the “happy medium” for all thing electronic and social media, for our daughters. My instinct is, like most parents in their 30’s (I’d assume) to go high and right and resist it all together. I appreciated reading this and it has helped to see another viewpoint. Also, after reading this I am considering bringing back the old “family desktop computer” maybe located in a well trafficked area, where we would feel more comfortable allowing our daughters to access more of the internet. A million times, thank you!
Elena Montelongo de Mooy says
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Comment- I feel blessed the past parenting rituals are changing. Without trying to recreate our own childhoods (as our world is different with technology), we have the freedom to forge forth a new style of parenting trusting our values and learning along side our children. I am very low-tech and appreciate the steps you have taken and will adopt some of these practices. I am excited about this generation, with the roots we have as pre-tech parents, the possibilities are unimaginable as these children evolve with this new world! Children 8 & 11.
Thank you!
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Antonia says
Hi josh, I love the blog! I don’t have kids, and I’d love to see a post with practical strategies for adults to reduce screen time in our lives and relationships. Keep up the good work!
Dianna says
We have become addicted to the instant gratification and constant ego boosting of having all our friends tell us how pretty we are, or how pretty our children, husband, haircut, dog, cat, shirt, new car, latest photograph, birthday cake, sandwich we had for lunch or wall paper choice for the dining room is. We need that constant positive reinforcement that we are doing it right…so to step away from all that for more than a few minutes is cause for great anxiety for some.
Parents need to be the example of technology use. They need to provide that positive reinforcement so children don’t find the need for it from Social Media. They need to teach them to be creative, real hands on creative time, provide face to face social time and set screen time limits for their kids and themselves. They need to teach their children how to be in the moment. When you’re watching a movie, put the iDevice in the other room. When you’re reading a book, do the same, oh, yes, I know. Your book is on your device. Read a real book now and then… When you are having a conversation with someone, especially your children, it doesn’t matter what your friend is texting you, what that email might be or if you got any responses to your Facebook post.
Yes, the children will behave with their technology the way they are taught at home, but more by what they see than what they are told to do. So it is with most lessons in life.
Jill MacNiven says
I am a teacher. I have taught public, private, city, country, mountains and other regions. The schools use technology daily in classrooms. My daughter has to have a computer to check homework, contact the teacher for problems, go to websites to do assigned work and on and on.
I am 52. I had my daughter when I was 39. I was raised in the 60s and 70s. My parents were strict.
My daughter did not get the pacifier. Therefore, she never wanted it to be soothed. We were strict in the fact that we did not put her on a computer to learn, tv was on minimally with DVDs we chose. Homework comes first. School comes first.
We have kept this mentality in regards to technology. She has a track phone, ipod and laptop. We will not buy her a Smart Phone. I will not allow her to sign up for Facebook. I will not allow her to sign up for Instagram.
We keep in control. As parents, you must be the leader and be fierce but tender.
My last comment is that we keep her at close proximity when on the computer or Ipod. We made our living room cozy enough for everyone and a place where kids want to be and hang out.
1) Stay in Control – Be the leader in your home and make the choices for them until they are 18! They need to know the only thing you are required to do is provide food, healthcare, shelter and a ride to school. The rest is a bonus.
2) Close proximity
3) Limit technology usage in your home
4) Create a home where kids want to come too so you know what is going on in their lives. Believe me this is a big bonus!!!
Ms. Jill
Derek Spotswood says
Well said on the topic, technology and children, Mr. Becker. There are many applications available to block and monitor what children using in Internet and computer.
Bonnie Lynch says
Well played, Mr. Becker. Well played.
Tim says
when you said that your children will get and IPOd on their 7th birthday and an IPhone on their 13th, i told my dad so i could get an IPhone on my 13th. (I got my mine on my 9th) he said “oh then you will get a phone when you will become 17” please reply say i can get one on my 13th pls.!!
joshua becker says
This may be one of my favorite comments of all time (and there are over 30,000 comments on this site!). I, unfortunately, cannot speak for your father. He knows his children better than me and there is no formula that works for every person in every family. But advice for you would be this: If your dad loves you and takes good care of you, trust his judgment. He’s only trying his best, just like me.
Brian Clark says
My daughter just turned 13, and she got her first iPhone. Hope this helps you make your case, Tim. ;)
Amy michelle says
I’m 33. I grew up with technology. We’ve had a computer in the house since I was born. My father loved technology. He always wanted to upgrade, and often did. He taught himself computers by building them. Therefore my brother and I have had our own computer in our rooms since we were young. By the time we were preteens our computers were hooked up to a t1 line. (My twelve year old brother networked my house and my dads company.) We dabbled on BBS’s (bulletin board systems). My father also started running his own, that we helped with. We had handheld and consol based game systems.
People that think technology is a new thing to kids and parents today are fools. I had older versions of everything that exists today.
My mother played an important role, balance. We could play our games that had very little education to them, as long as we also played the required time of educational games. Also as long as we spent more time off of them. We played outside as much as the next gen x/ early millennial. Our inside time wasn’t just TV time. We read books and played with our technology.
Every summer my parents purchased educational computer games and helped with our past skills and taught us new ones. Games like math blaster, and we had an alf game that taught proper usage of prefixes and suffixes.
When we were really young and AOL was a thing, only one computer in the house had access to it. My dads office. We were allowed on with the door open, and we weren’t allowed to tell anyone the town we were really from, no last names, no identifying characteristics of life and self. It wasn’t about lying, it was about acknowledging that online predators exist, then and NOW.
I had a cellphone at 16. It was kept in the car and only used for emergencies. Obviously this technology has infiltrated our lives more, I still have no idea when my son will be getting one. My husband votes for 16, after he gets his drivers license. I think it is an obsolete idea and he should have one once he’s old enough to wander our neighborhood alone. TBD
I have a five year old. He’s had his own iPod since he was born. We didn’t buy him one, it was an old one. It played lullaby music. It was a lifesaver, he could sleep in any foreign space as long as he had his music to fall asleep to. When he was two he got a hand me down iPod touch, first gen with a survivor case. It’s filled with educational games, his favorite music, a few TV shows and a couple of movies. Why? Bc doctor waiting rooms suck. (And with all of his medical drama, he needed a lot of entertainment while waiting). For his fifth birthday he got my moms kindle fire first gen with a durable case. He can navigate Xbox 360, xboxONE, first gen Nintendo DS, computers, tv’s, tablets, house phones and cellphones like any current teenager. He face times with family. But my child would prefer spending every second of his day to playing outside. And that’s the goal. Teaching them how to wield the technology, but most of all teaching them to disconnect.
Gen X parents seem to have problems with that, themselves. They never seem to disconnect. I see you at the movies with your kids. First you take photos with the flash during the movie, then you get bored, or go through withdraw and pull out your phone with full brightness to check your calendar, text or surf the web. You have to practice what you preach. You have to teach yourselves first so you can teach your kids.
Spend more time in the moment. Put the technology down and disconnect. It’s okay. You aren’t loosing a limb, you are gaining a life.
@mrsh0ffman says
I am a relatively young mom, my daughter is 12 currently. I grew up in a unique time period where I played outside, had a “house phone” but then played Nintendo, and was a teenager when the internet came about. For me it is a little easier because I have both perspectives, and I feel relieved to have that advantage. That being said I want to share what I have learned.
Pinterest is the perfect way to start out your child on social media. Also do it before the age of 13, and start with just that alone. This worked for us. It gave my daughter a chance to learn to navigate account management, yet she rarely comes across anything inappropriate. I agree with creation vs consumption, and interest is the perfect creativity hub. She often looks up craft ideas, and then males them! In real life
Then move on to instagram. Yes we signed her up early for that, but again, it is mostly for communicating pictures, and instagram does not allow nudity. She now manages her account and one for our cat. The point is we didn’t bombard her with all these accounts at once, we chose the “safest” ones (less possible exposure) and used them to help her learn what social media is all about. Of course she really wants a FB and a twitter, and has even said “my friends parents let then have twitter and tumbler and and and..” and we talk about it. I can go on twitter and see some nasty shit. Do I want her on FB where it is super easy to connect to ANYBODY and also see what adults she knows are up to? Its a little personal for my taste. So for now she has the two. And we are all happy with that.
Also for you older parents that bought your kid an iPhone, CHECK THE LOCATION SERVICES so their location doesnt ping to each post telling the while world where your kid is. Also make sure your kid uses an alias and never posts a picture of their face, period. I find her friends parents make a lot of mistakes out of ignorance.
God bless!
Deborah says
I have a question/concern: Netflix iPod iPad – both of my kids age 11 and 13 are just watching back to back episodes (age restrictions are set) of whole series and have stopped reading, sketching (they both used to like art) and community imaging. Any attempts to limit their time and it’s the ‘hide the booze/sweets’ argument again… They seem addicted and their friends all do the same – how do I get my kids back???