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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time.
We embarked on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the non-essentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most.
Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences—like a weekend at the beach, for example.
Removing the non-essentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory.
At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials of what makes a good marriage.
Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed.
Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for caring for the very elements of a happy marriage.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play.
They have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment.
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy marriages.
Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness.
Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse.
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility.
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you—that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness.
Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time.
Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust.
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication.
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust—just to name a few.
8. Selflessness.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Accomplishing the marriage advice listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself—but it so worth it if you want to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
About Joshua Becker
I love my wife we haven’t been intimate in almost 2 years what do I do.
Have you asked her directly if she’s committed to the marriage or not?
If she is she may be suffering from depression or anxiety.
If she says no, ask if there is anything that will change her mind. Evaluate her answer.
If she says nothing can change her mind. Put your ego aside and know beyond a shadow of a doubt you are worthy and unique deserving of love and respect. Be confident and kind tell her it’s time for her to move on. Give her a definite timeframe to show you her plans.
She will start to rethink her behavior especially when you don’t get offended or angry.
Ever been in a marriage where you feel like your 2 strangers living under the same roof. Ever expressed how you feel only to be shamed for feeling the way you do? Ever begged and cried daily wishing your wife would comfort you when your upset or hurting? Ever feel like she only has sex with you because she feels like she has to? Ever sit and cry daily over the same stuff and she just sit there like it don’t matter? All this is how I feel and more. I’m at my wits end and have tried everything I possibly can to feel close without any success. Do I give up and walk away? Do I keep trying? If so what do I do cause I’m out of ideas and I just can’t keep going like this. It’s really driving me insane. I have no one to talk to at all and I feel lonely and lost. What do I do?
find a Therapist or find an apartment or family to live with.
I am going through the same thing … I feel your pain. But I’m the wife and my husband is like your wife. I’m also at my wits end … only he just wishes to stay that way and stay married … but I know I deserve love, an respect but we have a child an I feel like if I leave I’m being selfish…
Hello everyone here
My girlfriend has be spend for 17 year my love as there is nothing happen our life between her but something must patient our future and i have success engagement on her but wedding next year 2022 grace.
Thank you for kind here story marriage our life, our children, our be successfull.
To find love for a man can take years of understanding, giving, working together to know who like us really. I meet this slender tall girl recently, I liked her. I want be in a love relationships with her. She is quite young and beautiful. I wish she would allow me to be her baby daddy, her husband, lover, bed mate, love mate and she hasn’t been asking me for things until recently,how do I tell her. I believe she can love me. And how do I get her to allow me to love her passionately.
I was really worried and needed help to save my marriage. I was searching for tips on how I can save my marriage from divorce. I came across a comment which says priest olokun help her out. I contacted him to save my home and restore peace back to my marriage through his email [priestolokun@ gmail. com] After 3days of olokun reunion spiritual prayers I swear with my life my mother in-law came to the house and ask me to forgive her and her Son for the pain they must have cost me. Today we are living in peace as one family. Once again thanks to priest olokun I really appreciate for what you has done.
My husband and I have been together for 8yrs and married for 5yrs. We experienced A midlife crises last year for a period of 6months. He was angry, depressed, he hated me, left home, told his family I had an affair, created his own stories and then tried hooking up with his ex girlfriend. Through all this I made sure to keep things amicable because we have children. I knew it was not ordinary by getting back to his EX, His family turn against me because of what he told them I wanted the marriage to work but everything seems to be impossible. I was really worried and needed help to save my marriage. I was searching for tips on how I can save my marriage from divorce. I came across a comment which says priest manuka help her out. I contacted him to save my home and restore peace back to my marriage through his email [lovesolutiontemple1@gmail. com] After 3days of manuka reunion spiritual prayers I swear with my life my mother in-law came to the house and ask me to forgive her and her Son for the pain they must have cost me. Today we are living in peace as one family. Once again thanks to priest manuka I really appreciate for what you has done.
I’ve read your story and can relate. The manuka temple that you’ve referred to, did it cost you money? I’ve sent an email and they want to charge for prayer
Did it work for you?
For what you have done. Notice pls why all the priest solutions fall on “my mother- in -law” Good I want you to take note ,what goes around comes around. One day you are also going to be come mother- in -law.
How can you treat a situation where your spouse gives you the money for a house budget and use some for clothing without informing him/her and when he realizes he/she got mad at you. Need help.
I wish to know who the counsellor is for the problems or comments we share?
Thank u team for being devoted to counselling . God bless you always.
Hallelujah praise JESUS
This article was a blessing indeed… My wife and I are currently going through some challenges…I need your prayers
Why do what everyone else does, just look down any street everyone is doing the same thing. I think I it’s the easy way out and it clearly does not work over 50% of the time. Life is a great adventure and having said this go and have a adventure. When I look at the way most people live it’s dull and Unfulfilled. You get to do this but one time and you have so little of it. Sharing with someone else is still a good idea, but people change in different ways. Just because you have the kit does not mean you have to use it.
This article is beautiful.
Thing’s I’m so scared of commitments and don’t know what to do to help myself.
It’s important to spend some time with yourself and a journal in a quiet space and start writing the root causes of your feelings.
Fear of something is generally a result of pain.
Pain is what we tend to avoid be that physical or emotional.
Commitment = Risk
The risk factor tells us we can’t control the outcome.
We can only control ourselves to a degree and make a commitment to ourselves to be good partners and to choose wisely.
What do you want in a relationship? What do you need?
What have you seen on the relationships of others that you desire.
What have you seen that you don’t want?
Generally broken relationships cause broken families, sexual brokenness, broken hearts and the list goes on.
Healthy relationships are not free of all the above problems, they just have the commitment to make it work and to look at the self.
The self can be scary. It can tend to be all about the ‘Me’ and the selflessness of long term commitment pulls in the ‘Other’.
This takes some digging.
It takes ripping out the old stuff that doesn’t belong.
It takes planting new seeds of healthy thoughts and ideas.
And it takes wise choices.
Open communication.
And yet some heated debate.
I wish you lots of love that is steadfast, strong, vulnerable, deep and doesn’t break down easily.
Warmest
Tania
Chinedu i can help you in figuring out on how to tackle the issue of commitment.
Thanks so much, very useful
What a great summary of what is most needed in marriages! Thank you for sharing and it was very insightful!
Each and every word is worth its weight in gold.
Thanks for this advice sir, am about to Wed but something keep on ringing in heart concerning my fiance, he do get angry quickly and always feel superior in his words. For a case of a man like this how can I copy in the journey of marriage, please I need your advice again.
Same here….about to wed and have same experience with Meriam. Your advice will highly be appreciated Sir
Yes indeed, i wish we could communicate.please
Galatians 5:22-23 New International Version (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
[18]But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. [19]Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, [20]Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, [21]Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. [22]But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, [23]Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. [24]And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
Galatians:5:18-24
YAHUWAHS marriage
Genesis 1:20-22
Genesis 1:26-28
Genesis 2:22-25
Genesis 8:16-22
Genesis 9:1-4
Genesis 9:6-9
Deuteronomy 22:23
Leviticus 21:13-15
Matthew 19:3-6
Hebrews 13:1-5
1st Corinthians 7
Jessy thank you so much for valuable guidance. Am married and badly undergoing spiritual ,mental changes which i see and feel should happen and vice versa. All I want to say am led by holy spirit( to accept love of my life) as u mentioned and finding difficult to overcome the fears and shouts of husband for having soulful love (here not my husband)for my real love that God gifted me with. I have lots to write Cos I need clear guidance.
Team pl’s respond if u read my comment box.
Am going through some challenges in my relationship of about a year…
Please could we chat via email, so that I can get more guides..
Thanks
So sorry you have to go through this.I hope it works out fine for you
Good morning, am Emmanuel from Nigeria. I really fine this article very interesting and i need more counsel in my marriage. The Joy and respect for my wife is almost gone. Please i will need your help through christ that strengthens us.
Are you the one loosing the respect for your wife? or she is the one loosing the respect for you?
Hi there, I find the entire article interesting and helpful.
Is it possible to chat with you vai email? I have some marital concerns I would like some help in.
Pls indcate if it is well.
Thanks.
Thanks for those 8 key important on Marriage
Hi, I’ve found these tips to be very helpful. thanks for giving them free of charge. Bless you.
Mutual trust, feeling of true love, compassionate and affection, and respect are key to a successful marriage.
Nice article, thank you for posting!
Hey,
Wonderful post! All point’s are too good. In your post you mantion a point ” Honesty and Trust” this is very important. Because every relation need first trust. It is a backbone of every relation.
Thanks of your article. I will wait for your next article.
Priyota Parma
familima
Thank you very much for this I now have some understanding about keeping my marriage successful with these 8keys I’m just just 15months in marriage and I need your encouragement and support.
Je veux la version française de ce document
I disagree with you. Married women doesn’t need male friends; maybe men who share some common activity and talk or share during determined activity but not in the same way that shared time or friedship when she was single.
Limits are important when you are married do not put in risk the marriage.
The values of a person need to be reviewed afted marriage in order to respect each other. A woman also need to review her female friends maybe she needs to look for new female friends because she is not going to share parties and travel with them like before.
I totally agree, I’ve been married for 29 years now, and, I love my husband, but, over the years I have learned much! Marriage is not easy for one thing it does take work to make it happy and stable, but when to many friends and family are in the picture to often, it takes away from the marriage, I personally believe a husband should have no female friends, nor should a wife have male friends, it’s not worth the gossip from others, and, I believe the man and wife should be the only opposite sex friends, not other people.
I disagree with you. Married women doesn’t need male friends; maybe men who share some common activity and talk or share during determined activity but not in the same way that shared time or friedship when she was single.
Limits are important when you are married do not put in risk the marriage.
The values of a person need to be reviewed afted marriage in order to respect each other. A woman also need to review her female friends maybe she needs to look for new female friends because she is not going to share parties and travel with them like before.
Written by a person ,he is sharing his life line principles while I’m running my life with my own principles ,its might work for others just not me ,
Fact, but you can also Kean from Others, you don’t know it all
This article is a master piece. In my own opinion, I strongly believe that for couples to use the above keys successfully, they must resolve within themselves to sink or swim with their spouse. It is when a couple resolve to sink or swim with each other that they can bring out the best in them.
Couples who bring out the best in them for their spouses and their marriages without reservation always live a happier and healthier marriage relationship.
Perfect and simply stated…
I’m going through alot right now with my marriage,no time,we never pray together or have bible study together, my husband is always on the go and it’s stressing me out bad
Simply Awesome! Love it. Just sent to my Brother and His fiancé.
Also sent to my wife.
Thank you so much for this.
God bless you very richly!
That was a great article wasnt it George! Have you heard of Middletonmethods? They do a podcast and have some blogs as well about relationships and marriage. It really helped me maybeit can help you and your friends as well.
BTW, my response is Ray who posted on July 20, 2015 @ 10:31A.
This has got to be a troll.
If not, I sincerely apologize, and I’d like to recommend to you two pieces of literature that have helped me to identify and seek happiness for myself: “Treatise of Love” by Anatoly Protopopov (you can read it online) and the latest “Co-Dependents Anonymous” book.
Best of Luck,
– m
Thank you very much for the 8 secretes of a successful marriage. I do agree with you save for Ray who I think has failed to know them true meaning of love and family building. I happen to be a pastor who definitely meets and talks to many couples about how they can live together in a happy marriage. The most important thing is trust, you have to trust your partner, however you can’t trust someone, if you are not trust worthy your self. This calls for receiving back what you give, you reap what you sow, you sow love, you reap love, you sow trust, you reap trust, faithfulness brings back faithfulness, you forgive, your are forgiven among others.
Its important also to note that, it takes two to make a family in this case (a man and a woman), yet it takes one to brake a family!!!. We need to always believe that marriage is a life contract, i.e. till God does us apart, we should never have a second thought of jumping out of a marriage relationship. Its a step once taken is irreversible, once jumping out of a family is allowed, we are sowing deep wounds that will never be healed, not only to our selves, but also to our children if any and our spouses. We live a life of regrets once out of our marriage, we live a life of comparison and once done, it is very easy to repeat the same for there is nothing to protect!!!!!!
Its also important to know that Jesus is the sustainer of our lives, people never know them selves, yet Jesus knows us better than ourselves, he says come on to me all of you who are heavily burdened and I shall give you rest.
Even though the article is good and helpful. But isn’t it irrelevant to people who feel suffocated in a marriage just in less than 2years, because they are with partners who are not good at communication, doesn’t put effort to figure out what’s wrong in his marriage, or is least bothered about reviving the marriage. Doesn’t really understand what marriage is or what being a support to their partner means.
Very good, except for the content of #2! Of course “Sexual Faithfulness” is critical, but the way you worded it, suggests we must cut all other emotional ties with friends, especially of the opposite sex, which is unhealthy! Some experts even say that fantasizing about others can keep a relationship healthy, your idea of “Faithfulness” is much more religious in nature. I DO believe in strictly platonic opposite sex, friend relationships, in fact I have more close female friends, married and single, than male friends.
That’s a recipe for an emotional affair.