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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time.
We embarked on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the non-essentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most.
Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences—like a weekend at the beach, for example.
Removing the non-essentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory.
At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials of what makes a good marriage.
Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed.
Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for caring for the very elements of a happy marriage.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play.
They have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment.
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy marriages.
Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness.
Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse.
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility.
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you—that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness.
Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time.
Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust.
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication.
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust—just to name a few.
8. Selflessness.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Accomplishing the marriage advice listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself—but it so worth it if you want to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
About Joshua Becker
Thank you very much for this I now have some understanding about keeping my marriage successful with these 8keys I’m just just 15months in marriage and I need your encouragement and support.
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I disagree with you. Married women doesn’t need male friends; maybe men who share some common activity and talk or share during determined activity but not in the same way that shared time or friedship when she was single.
Limits are important when you are married do not put in risk the marriage.
The values of a person need to be reviewed afted marriage in order to respect each other. A woman also need to review her female friends maybe she needs to look for new female friends because she is not going to share parties and travel with them like before.
I disagree with you. Married women doesn’t need male friends; maybe men who share some common activity and talk or share during determined activity but not in the same way that shared time or friedship when she was single.
Limits are important when you are married do not put in risk the marriage.
The values of a person need to be reviewed afted marriage in order to respect each other. A woman also need to review her female friends maybe she needs to look for new female friends because she is not going to share parties and travel with them like before.
Written by a person ,he is sharing his life line principles while I’m running my life with my own principles ,its might work for others just not me ,
This article is a master piece. In my own opinion, I strongly believe that for couples to use the above keys successfully, they must resolve within themselves to sink or swim with their spouse. It is when a couple resolve to sink or swim with each other that they can bring out the best in them.
Couples who bring out the best in them for their spouses and their marriages without reservation always live a happier and healthier marriage relationship.
Perfect and simply stated…
I’m going through alot right now with my marriage,no time,we never pray together or have bible study together, my husband is always on the go and it’s stressing me out bad
Simply Awesome! Love it. Just sent to my Brother and His fiancé.
Also sent to my wife.
Thank you so much for this.
God bless you very richly!
That was a great article wasnt it George! Have you heard of Middletonmethods? They do a podcast and have some blogs as well about relationships and marriage. It really helped me maybeit can help you and your friends as well.
BTW, my response is Ray who posted on July 20, 2015 @ 10:31A.
This has got to be a troll.
If not, I sincerely apologize, and I’d like to recommend to you two pieces of literature that have helped me to identify and seek happiness for myself: “Treatise of Love” by Anatoly Protopopov (you can read it online) and the latest “Co-Dependents Anonymous” book.
Best of Luck,
– m
Thank you very much for the 8 secretes of a successful marriage. I do agree with you save for Ray who I think has failed to know them true meaning of love and family building. I happen to be a pastor who definitely meets and talks to many couples about how they can live together in a happy marriage. The most important thing is trust, you have to trust your partner, however you can’t trust someone, if you are not trust worthy your self. This calls for receiving back what you give, you reap what you sow, you sow love, you reap love, you sow trust, you reap trust, faithfulness brings back faithfulness, you forgive, your are forgiven among others.
Its important also to note that, it takes two to make a family in this case (a man and a woman), yet it takes one to brake a family!!!. We need to always believe that marriage is a life contract, i.e. till God does us apart, we should never have a second thought of jumping out of a marriage relationship. Its a step once taken is irreversible, once jumping out of a family is allowed, we are sowing deep wounds that will never be healed, not only to our selves, but also to our children if any and our spouses. We live a life of regrets once out of our marriage, we live a life of comparison and once done, it is very easy to repeat the same for there is nothing to protect!!!!!!
Its also important to know that Jesus is the sustainer of our lives, people never know them selves, yet Jesus knows us better than ourselves, he says come on to me all of you who are heavily burdened and I shall give you rest.
Very good, except for the content of #2! Of course “Sexual Faithfulness” is critical, but the way you worded it, suggests we must cut all other emotional ties with friends, especially of the opposite sex, which is unhealthy! Some experts even say that fantasizing about others can keep a relationship healthy, your idea of “Faithfulness” is much more religious in nature. I DO believe in strictly platonic opposite sex, friend relationships, in fact I have more close female friends, married and single, than male friends.
That’s a recipe for an emotional affair.