“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Two years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and that it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time. And thus, we embarked upon on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the nonessentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most. Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences… like a weekend at the beach, for example. Removing the nonessentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory. At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials needed for a successful marriage. Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed. Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that keep our marriages successful.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play. As a result, they have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment. At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever – and that is what defines true love. It is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness. Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility. We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward. If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you – that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness. Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage. And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time. Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent. The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in awhile wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust. Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything healthy in a marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now… and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication. Successful marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls. This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust… just to name a few.
8. Selflessness. Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest into them daily. Accomplishing the items listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself… but it so worth it. After all, a successful marriage is far more valuable than most of temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
dear colleagues
as a young couple we appreciate if favor help and guide us to have success life in all of marriage area. hereby ask you to send us your valuable experiences, instructions, guide notes and any books, sites, articles and so on which you think will help and can help in this regards.
thanks a lot
Del
[email protected]
“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
What are the essential criteria for choosing a [RIGHT MATE]?
What is being the [RIGHT MATE]?
Worth reading article. This is the best I have ever read regarding marriage life.I got my wife read it & she is just being more kind to me.I don’t have exact words to express my gratitudes to the author. Hats off to you!
hi joshua,
I read your post with fascination. How right you are. You have rightly pinpointed the topmost qualities necessary to make your marriage work. I particularly liked your thoughts about sexual faithfulness. It is most needed in this modern age where loyalty to your spouse is not given that much of importance.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS
My first marriage lasted 28 years. Neither of us were happy, although we thought we really tried. We met when we were 19 and 18. We had three children together. I worked 12-16 hours a day 5-6 days a week. When ever we, me and my wife, went anywhere we took the kids. We had little in the area of material things. We had each other and our children.
My wife loved the money that I made, but she wasn’t happy that I was gone all the time. I saw work and our children as the most important things in my life. About the fifth year of our marriage, I suggested we have seperate bedrooms. While I was at work or on the road, my wife had relationships with others, which I didn’t mind.
My wife and I rarely ever talked with each other and saw the success of our marriage resulting from us not talking to each other. When ever she wanted to hold my hand or be intimate, I pulled away and felt discust when this happened. For 28 years both me and my wife were very unahppy.
I have been married to my current wife for 8 years. We both had children going into the marriage. The only reasin we got married was because my mother is aging and didn’t get to see me get married the first time. So, we married to make someone else happy. Has it worked? No.
We are married, we talk when she pushed me to. I don’t think I have ever felt what happiness feels like. I have had more physical intimacy with my current wife than with anyone in my entire life, yet that is not what makes me happy. My wife sees physical intimacy as something someone does to show their love, and how she feels loved.
We are committed to our relationship. We work as a team to get through the rough times. She wants me to be happy, and I have never known what that feels like. I do not know how to put myself first, in anything. My current wife believes that she puts me first, yet she sees me as uneducated and often stupid.
My current wife has a boyfriend who is a farm boy, but he is also a registed electrician and a general contractor. Whenever my current wife and I have problems, she calls her boyfriend for advice and he often councels us. More often than not, my wife’s boyfriend’s advise is for us to remember the good times and try to only learn from, not dwell on, the bad times.
My current wife says that our marriage is as successful as it is, and has been, because of other men who have been in our life together. We have had men live with us that my wife says enhanced our marriage. And I agree. The men who lived with us were men who had qualities that I do not have. These men were very good looking, well built, financially successful, musically inclined, all around handy -men.
We currently have two men who live with us. Both of these men are men who have keen senses. Both of these men seem to know when my wife is in need. They can sense her needs, whereas, my wife often has to state her needs to me.
When I asked my wife what she would say at my eulogy, she said, “Ray grew old and had a lot of fun.” When I asked her what she would say about her boyfriend, or the men who have lived with us, her response was, “They knew me. They knew my feelings and how I felt. They knew and fulfilled my needs. They knew how to make me happy.
I have asked my wife how I have made her happy, and she has told me that I have made her happy by allowing her to take care of me. When I have asked my wife how other men have made her happy, she has said that they took care of her.
My current wife and I talk a lot. She tells me about her day and what she did with her boyfriend or one, or both, of the men that live with us. She tells me that she likes that I allow other men to step up where I don’t or can’t.
As far as humility; I am very humble. I am 52, 5’9”, 200lbs. I have few skills. What I do know is how to work hard and support my family. The two men that live with us, and my wife’s boyfriend, have many money making skills, as well as other physical skills. One of our live-ins plays piano, guitar, is a martial artist and climber. He is a very skilled dancer and builder.
Our other live-in is a Drummer and can also play guitar and piano. He is also a personal trainer. He is also very skilled in building, as well as in mechanics. Both of our live-ins are very good dancers and artsits as well. A friend of one of our live-ins is an architect. My wife is currently going to school for architecture. So, they have been spending a lot of time together, which is good because I have been putting in a lot of over time lately. All od this has kept me very humble.
As far as patience and forgiveness; I am always asking for both. I am fortunate that we have live-ins, and my wife has a boyfriend, who make up where I often fail. My wife is very good at pointing out my faults, whereas, I would never do such a thing to her.
As far as quality time; we find time, when we can, to be together. Often our time spent together includes my wife’s boyfriend, or one of our live-ins, and/or one or more of our live-in’s friends. When my wife and I plan date nights, we make sure to include her boyfriend and/or one of our live-ins and/or one or more of our live-in’s friends. My wife says that she has the most fun with me when other men are with us.
I agree that “Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything healthy in a marriage.” When I am working late and my wife is going to stay in with or go out with her boyfriend, one of, or both of our live-ins and/or our live-ins and their friends, my wife texts me and lets me know. If I am going to have to work late, I let her know so that she can make plans with whomever.
My wife is honest with me about what she does with her boyfriend, our live-ins and their friends. And although she may play with these other men, even physically, I trust in her love for me. She may play with other men, even sexually, but she is MY wife. And she LOVES me.
My wife tells me that she married me because she loves me. She says she plays with other men because they are fun. And I accept that. I accept that no one person can fulfill all of anyone’s needs. I also accept that I have limitations. I also accept that if it weren’t for these other men, my wife wouln’t be as happy as she is or has been since she and I have been together.
When it comes to selflessness; I put her first, always! I am not a selfish person. It should be evident from the fact that I share my wife with other men. My wife likes knowing that although I may not be her primary lover, that I do love her more than anyone or anything.
My own mother agrees that a woman having more than one man in her life is not a bad thing. My mother has told me that my father worked too often, and because he had to, yet she was often lonely. My mother says that she envies my wife for the fact that, although I work a lot, my wife is never lonely.
My wife’s son lives with us and is happy to have other men living with us as well. He likes that I skateboard and play pool and play darts and rock climb, but the other men are able to teach him trades that he can use to his financial advantage throughout his life. And my wife likes that the other men may be able to teach him trades, but I teach her son how to have fun.
I am happy when others are happy. I receive my feelingss of what I believe happiness feels like through my wife and her son and our live-ins and my wife’s boyfriend and our live-in’s friends.
Every man my wife has been sexual with has told me that I am a very lucky man to have such a beautiful, giving wife. They have also told me that they could never be as trusting and accepting as I am. I have been told numerous times, by other men, that they wish that their wife was like mine. They have also told me that they respect me because they, themselves, could never share their wife with another man.
My wife assures me, daily, that other men may get her body, but only I have her heart. And that means a lot to me. My wife has told me that she can’t imagine living without me, and she loves me because I am selfless. My wife has told me that the one thing that makes her love me, more than anything else, is the fact that I will step back when another man can do something better than I can, and learn from them.
I agree with the statement, “A true decision to be committed lasts forever.” I was committed to my first wife for 28 years, although she had three children fathered by other men during our marriage. I was committed to our marriage, as much as I know how to be. I am also committed to my current wife. My life is lived for her happiness. And my current wife tells me that means the world to her.
I have put to practice the Essentials for a Successful Marriage, and I feel I have gone beyond just these essential. We are both please with our relationship because of it.
Oh Ray, I feel awful for you. You are being used because you lack self-respect. Both your wives used you, just as your mother showed you how a man can be used. But you deserve better. You work hard to support so many people, yet no one is supporting you.
Any man can learn how to satisfy their mate. It matters not how well endowed you are, how intelligent you are or not, nor whether “her happiness” is what you work for. But standing up for what you want WILL earn her respect for you. And allowing her to be physical with other men while loving only you is compete BS. You are allowing her to demonstrate the same awful behavior in front of her son that you had to witness. Do you want that for him? Stop lying to yourself. You deserve a partner who honors you, rather than cheats on you. But, unless you find self-worth, you will continue to be a cuckhold. And the other guys saying they “respect” your graciousness are laughing at you behind your back. How miserable you sound. It breaks my heart.
I am sorry – you responded to a fictional story.
Is this for real?
Just can’t believe this. This is riduculious
I feel sorry for you. you have never been happy and I feel the both times you been used. marriage is about two people loving and caring for each other, working together as one. you need professional help because only a therapist can help you find yourself and understand why you have no love or respect for yourself. no wife needs another man to fill the gaps, a real woman works with her man to find what it’s exciting and important to make the marriage work. not bringing others into it. marriage is between two people.
Hi Josh, I came across this site as I was looking for ways to improve my life, my wife has gone away with the kids for a few days to give me time to think about what I want…. I have depression, it has got out of control recently and I felt that to leave the family would give them a huge break from having to put up with me, but in fact over the last few days of self-analysis I have found the opposite, I need them as much as they need me and as well as medication and councilling, the love of my wife and kids and taking the advice of you, other websites and friends has made me realise I have a rich vein of love to mine and help me on the road to recovery. For that, I tip my hat to you, Sir!
Your thoughts inspires me a lot Sir. Thank you a lot coz earlier I lost faith in love and didn’t value any relationship most especially a marriage. I used to think that marriage is just a suffocating bond that one has to endure all her life.
it has been an eye opener for me, in a terrific relationship I am currently in, to see in him qualities I can work on in myself that you highlight in the 8 steps. Although I have been married 3 times, also divorced 3 times. I do value the principles of the 8 steps and putting them into practice/play for this current relationship, as I see it lasting long term. Thanks a bunch!!
Sue
Joshua,
Excellent advice on a very important topic. Successful marriage builds a successful family and successful families make a successful society. Let’s all try to keep our families strong so that we can all have a stronger society and a peaceful world to live.
May I have your permission to publish and distribute your letter to many others?
Regards,
James
Very good, except for the content of #2! Of course “Sexual Faithfulness” is critical, but the way you worded it, suggests we must cut all other emotional ties with friends, especially of the opposite sex, which is unhealthy! Some experts even say that fantasizing about others can keep a relationship healthy, your idea of “Faithfulness” is much more religious in nature. I DO believe in strictly platonic opposite sex, friend relationships, in fact I have more close female friends, married and single, than male friends.
Thank you very much for the 8 secretes of a successful marriage. I do agree with you save for Ray who I think has failed to know them true meaning of love and family building. I happen to be a pastor who definitely meets and talks to many couples about how they can live together in a happy marriage. The most important thing is trust, you have to trust your partner, however you can’t trust someone, if you are not trust worthy your self. This calls for receiving back what you give, you reap what you sow, you sow love, you reap love, you sow trust, you reap trust, faithfulness brings back faithfulness, you forgive, your are forgiven among others.
Its important also to note that, it takes two to make a family in this case (a man and a woman), yet it takes one to brake a family!!!. We need to always believe that marriage is a life contract, i.e. till God does us apart, we should never have a second thought of jumping out of a marriage relationship. Its a step once taken is irreversible, once jumping out of a family is allowed, we are sowing deep wounds that will never be healed, not only to our selves, but also to our children if any and our spouses. We live a life of regrets once out of our marriage, we live a life of comparison and once done, it is very easy to repeat the same for there is nothing to protect!!!!!!
Its also important to know that Jesus is the sustainer of our lives, people never know them selves, yet Jesus knows us better than ourselves, he says come on to me all of you who are heavily burdened and I shall give you rest.
This has got to be a troll.
If not, I sincerely apologize, and I’d like to recommend to you two pieces of literature that have helped me to identify and seek happiness for myself: “Treatise of Love” by Anatoly Protopopov (you can read it online) and the latest “Co-Dependents Anonymous” book.
Best of Luck,
– m
BTW, my response is Ray who posted on July 20, 2015 @ 10:31A.
Simply Awesome! Love it. Just sent to my Brother and His fiancé.
Also sent to my wife.
Thank you so much for this.
God bless you very richly!
That was a great article wasnt it George! Have you heard of Middletonmethods? They do a podcast and have some blogs as well about relationships and marriage. It really helped me maybeit can help you and your friends as well.