Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from John P. Weiss.
My wife Nicole knows a great deal about death.
She’s a hospice nurse who provides care and comfort for those nearing the end of life’s journey. She also helps loved ones navigate a constellation of mixed feelings, from fear and confusion to acceptance and even relief.
Nicole took time away from work when her grandmother’s cancer, after years of successful management, finally unleashed its fatal agenda. And then Nicole’s grandfather fell ill with lung cancer. Again, she stepped in to provide end-of-life care.
Nicole tells me that in those final moments for patients and their loved ones, conversations are about love, memories, sometimes regrets, and heartfelt goodbyes. There is no talk about bigger houses, fancy cars, the latest tech gear, and all the other stuff people eventually pour into their garages and storage units.
Death is a profound teacher, but no one wants to enroll in the class.
We spend our lives pursuing money and possessions, only to discover late in the game that relationships, experiences, and passions best feed our souls. If only we figured out sooner what really matters.
If only we learned early on that a good death demands a good life.
We are not going gently into that good night
Columbia University physician Lydia S. Dugdale is a specialist in medical ethics and the treatment of older patients. Dugdale’s book, “The Lost Art of Dying: Reviving Forgotten Wisdom,” argues that far too many of us die poorly.
Dr. Dugdale’s book was inspired by an ancient text, written in the Middle Ages after the Black Plague. The text, known as Ars moriendi — The Art of Dying, inspires the view that to die well requires first that we live well.
A review of Dr. Dugdale’s book in BookBrowse.com notes:
“Our culture has overly medicalized death: dying is often institutional and sterile, prolonged by unnecessary resuscitations and other intrusive interventions. We are not going gently into that good night — our reliance on modern medicine can actually prolong suffering and strip us of our dignity. Yet our lives do not have to end this way.”
Part of the problem is that we don’t want to think about death, so we don’t plan and prepare. We put off creating trusts, living wills, and end-of-life health directives.
Even worse, our refusal to ponder and face mortality prevents us from living our best lives. We place too much importance on money, status, and possessions over our health, relationships, and serving others.
This is where minimalism and simplicity can help. By simplifying our lives and shedding the things we don’t need, we can focus more on the important stuff.
Dr. Dugdale notes in her book:
“In fact, since you can’t take it with you and your world will shrink one day anyway, start the habit now of giving your stuff away.”
There’s nothing wrong with ambition and success, but to live a good life, we ought to embrace the Latin reminder Memento mori, which means, “Remember you must die.”
It may sound depressing, but it’s liberating.
Because when we take a hard look at our lives, we begin to see the burdens we carry. Ballooning mortgages, endless car payments, credit card debt, stuffed garages, and more.
Deep personal reflection leads to other insights. Like the immense time we waste on social media distractions, Cable news hysteria, unhealthy diets, and poor lifestyle choices.
What would our lives look like if we abandoned these things and focused instead on our health, relationships, education, creative passions, and helping others?
We discovered that less is more
In 2016 I was a busy law enforcement professional, serving my tenth year as Chief of Police and 26th year in police work. I enjoyed my career but grew weary of the stress and politics.
Nicole’s work stories and experiences with her grandparents reminded me how short life is. Despite having only five years left to earn a full pension, I decided to retire early. I wanted more family time and to pursue my writing.
To compensate for the reduced income of early retirement, we embraced minimalism. We sold our home, moved to a more affordable state, and downsized.
Decluttering, adopting a simplified wardrobe, and shedding unnecessary stuff improved our quality of life. My flexible schedule as a writer allowed for more exercise, walks with my dogs, reading, and leisurely conversations with Nicole and our son.
We discovered that less is more. Little did we know how the positive changes in our lives would prepare us for what came next.
Start living our best lives
In 2021 Nicole found a lump in her breast, and doctors confirmed it was breast cancer. We found ourselves thinking about Memento mori every day.
The entire year was a flurry of appointments, tests, surgeries, follow-ups, and healing. Thankfully, the cancer was caught early, and Nicole’s prognosis is excellent.
To celebrate her recovery, we traveled this year to Scotland. We toured all over, visiting the Highlands, boating down lochs, exploring castles, and enjoying the country and its lovely people.
A good death demands a good life. The warm memories of our Scotland trip reflect the best of life.
There was a moment in Scotland when Nicole stood on an old bridge, looking down at the flowing river below. Water under the bridge, just like the troubles and challenges we had overcome.
The scene moved me, and I snapped a photograph of that beautiful moment.
The photo is a reminder that when we simplify, declutter, and accept Memento mori, we can shed the burdens we carry. We can chart a better future.
We can start living our best lives.
***
John P. Weiss is a fine artist, retired police chief, and author of “What Life Should Be About: Elegant Essays on the Things That Matter.” He blogs about living a more artful life.
Sharon Martin says
Thankyou John
As a nurse with a specific interest in end of life care, I can support your comments. Death is a natural part of life and should be taught as such. I have always believed you can die well and I have seen that within my own family. However I have also seen the opposite where it leaves a legacy of negative memories and trauma.
Recently a family member as got sick very sick, she has held onto stuff all her life. A child of the war years everything had to be mended, saved treasured and she was good at doing that. Now as her house as to be adapted for care support, she continues to fight for every possession and could impact on if she could go home. Her finial year is being spent arguing over a sofa she never used, instead of saying all the things she needs to say because it gives her a sense of control.
This is not uncommon. Please think what will you leave behind lots of beautiful memories or a stack of stuff no body wants and will cost to move. I know my choice x
Debra Wawrzyniak says
You are so right it took me awhile after my son’s passing and then a few years later my husband’s we do not need all these material things to make us happy yes, it’s nice but, you also leave a burden to the ones we love to get rid of stuff they don’t want or need so slowly I’ve been getting rid of all that stuff because even though your hear today you may not be here tomorrow and all you did is leave everything for someone else to clean up and they have enough things to deal with after your gone enjoy what you have with your family and friends because there may not be a tomorrow
John P. Weiss says
Debra- None of us get to escape loss, but losing your son and then a few years later your husband is a terrible blow. I’m sorry you experienced that. Figuring out what to do with the things our loved ones owned is the next blow. We have sentimental attachment. It took some strength, but when my father died, and my mother in 2021, I swallowed and then donated most of their things. I kept a few special items, but it didn’t make sense hold onto everything. Especially when others could use it. All of this taught me to downsize and constantly declutter, so my stuff won’t be a burden to my son someday. All the best to you.
John P. Weiss says
Great observation, Sharon. Do we want to burden loved ones with all our stuff when we’re gone? Or can we unload what’s unnecessary, and then focus more on time with family and friends? I support the latter.
Tara says
This was indeed a thought provoking article and most of it I agree with. I have one concern. If we do as the article says and we don’t earn enough money to take care of ourselves and our medical bills it is a disservice to those we love and leave behind with our final expenses. I address this now because I have been sole caretaker for my brother the last year and a half. I have just had to put him in a facility that is very costly and where he may still live another 5 maybe 10 years. His money will run out and then what? I know too many people who have not worked hard enough or earned enough to pay for end of life care and so it falls to whatever family they have left and then it burdens those who did work and save for their own needs at the end. There are so many similar articles about living every day as if it were your last.” Don’t work so much, take those vacations and cruises, spend your money, have no regrets”. And then how do we live our final days with dignity and not burden our families. I’m looking for the answer as I park down my life even more so I can live on the least amount of money I have saved in order to not become a homeless person left on the streets to die from medical ailments I can’t afford to pay. Tell me. Anyone. How do you do both?
Steven M Huskey says
I only hopped on here to do some research but I read your comment and felt compelled to reply. I do not have an answer for your concerns but I wanted to offer support, perhaps a small bit of comfort. I don’t really read these articles as “take vacations and cruises and spend all your money” … perhaps I’ve missed that point. The idea I have about simplifying is that you buy and own less so that you don’t need as much money. And you are careful about what you spend your money on. Of course, that’s different for all of us. I have friends and family who are likely to be in your brother’s position when (not if) they have a major health issue. My parents were not well-to-do at all. They didn’t live paycheck to paycheck but they didn’t have a large savings either. They lived frugally, especially after they retired. When they were forced to go into a retirement home due to health issues, they went on Medicaid which paid for their care. Perhaps that’s an option for your brother? I don’t know. I try to remember that there are some things in life I can control – my own feelings, responses, and actions mostly, and many things that are not in my control, so I try to accept those things and move on. I’m not sure if any of this is helpful, but I wanted you to feel that you have been heard. Blessings to you.
John P. Weiss says
Tara- Income must always be factored into one’s life decisions, and adversity can turn any of our lives upside down. My article wasn’t about shunning our financial responsibilities, but rather, simplifying and decluttering our lives. Doing so means having less stuff to maintain, which helps financially. It’s why my wife and I moved to a more affordable state and downsized. I was able to retire five years early and make it work, but I would not have been able to retire ten years early. Also, kudos to you for helping your brother. I believe Steven made some good suggestions nearby regarding your brother. Lastly, I may have retired early from police work, but I am still working as a writer. Partly because I love it, and partly because it’s helpful to supplement my pension. I’ve even considered teaching and other ways to supplement my income. The key is that there are always options, and simplifying your life, as well as changing jobs, are all viable approaches. Thanks for reading, and best of luck to you and your brother.
Peggy says
I don’t the Mr Weiss meant do things if you don’t have the money such as going to a vacation site that you can’t currently afford. I think he was saying do what YOU can afford, go where YOU can can afford to go. I don’t have a desire to travel, I’m happy right here where I am. So my circumstances and desires are very different. My point, and hopefully the answer to your question is to do what you would like to do with what you have. Everyone has a different life. Different circumstances.
Kim says
Thank you John!
“Simplicity intensifies what’s important.” (Bill Johnson)
My husband has Parkinson’s. We downsized last year. Learning what’s truly important.
John P. Weiss says
Thanks Kim, love the Bill Johnson quote.
Tracie Sipple says
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the reminder. Very timely.
John P. Weiss says
Thanks for reading, Tracie.
Inna says
Thank you for the reminder! Only one little thing: it is Memento mori – not momento (memento – remember – memory, the same origin)
Gail says
I love everything Mr Weiss writes -insightful and well stated.
Please read his book “ What Life should be About”, short stories on a variety of subjects.
John P. Weiss says
Wow Gail, thanks so much, I appreciate it.
Che Gonzales says
February 20,2023 will mark the first year death anniversary of my father. Your writing gave me a good cry and matters to reflect upon. Thank you for this.
John P. Weiss says
Che- this month marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing. I was blessed to hold her in my arms when she slipped away, peacefully. Losing a parent is so hard. Wishing you peace.
Joy Michie says
I love this John, it has truly helped me reflect on the importance of our life, we only get one shot at this ! When I lost my mum to cancer, your are absolutely right, there was no mention of anything material in the last few months of her life, and ‘stuff’ no longer mattered. And still does not matter….
I’m in the throes of decluttering and making a more simple life…and I love your inspirational story. So glad you came to see Scotland, my homeland, which has a spiritual opportunity every Loch, hill or stream you come across. Thank you so much for the connection!
John P. Weiss says
Thanks for reading, Joy. And you’re so right about Scotland, such a beautiful country and people.
Donna says
You have chosen wisely, thank you for sharing. A good reminder for people to realize what are we all chasing in this life? Why? How are we spending our time? Are we happy and satisfied with it? We are here on this earth in our current body for a short period of time. So we should all put more effort in finding out what’s really important in our short life journey here. I hope everyone have reached a point where we all can honestly say, I am very blessed and happy in my life journey because..,,
John P. Weiss says
Thanks Donna. You’re right, we’re only here for a short time. How should we best spend it?
M. Tokarik says
Thank you for sharing your experiences, your wisdom and your beautiful way of sharing with others.
My husband and I started the practice of downsizing and minimalism about six years ago. We are entering our mid-sixties.
We moved to be closer to our married daughter and her family almost two years ago and have downsized a lot. We had to refurnish our much smaller space with many second hand pieces of furniture as we sold much of what we owned before our move. To say we are happier with less space, less material possessions and much more time for our family is an understatement.
It has been a huge process; a learning to give away, part with “stuff” but to live more simple. This practice has been so rewarding.
We are both still working at what life will look and feel like when we decide to retire. We think at the end of this year.
This journey into time freedom is one of much thought, consideration and preparation. Now that the stuff is gone, we know that we have bought time, Tine to enjoy life without the responsibilities of caring for stuff., a big home and yard, and to really enjoy life.
We thank you for all that you share in this world.
Joy and peace to you.
John P. Weiss says
M. Tokarik- Thanks for reading and congrats on your approaching retirement. Like love, time is a precious gift. May yours be filled with good health and happiness.
Ruth Karcher says
How did you clear away your stuff? Retired now, I’d like to get started. Most of my career clothes can go to charity, nice sets of dishes sitting in their boxes, things I collected, things barely used. But furnishings would be nice to sell – but which sites?
John P. Weiss says
Ruth- Our downsizing, decluttering, and simplifying began when we moved. We sold a few things, but mostly donated. And a few old/broken items went in the trash. Then we went room by room. Check out Joshua’s books on this website, which offer much advice on this subject.
Judy says
Do you ever miss the big house? The space? Downsized also—- for the same reasons—- but sometimes miss the space I had.
Betsy says
John, I read all of Joshua’s posts and then I look to see if you respond because I find your thoughts so insightful. I found great solace in your words, I’m not young anymore and I know my time is getting ever closer. Sometimes I’m at peace with that. I actually believe that our struggles in life help bring us peace in the end.
John P. Weiss says
Betsy-Thanks for the kind comments. I agree with you, our struggles bring us wisdom. And wisdom seems to soften the reality of our mortality. Also, knowing my parents and others I loved already crossed over the veil fills me with a sort of soothing anticipation. The belief that when my time comes, fear will be replaced by a welcoming committee and glorious reunion.
Judy says
So agree with your thoughts.