Parenting, at its core, is about making wise choices in order to prepare young men and women to be released into the world as responsible adults.
And that’s why later today, I’ll be traveling to the city of San Salvador, El Salvador. I have been asked to speak on the topic of “Successful Parenting” as a means to help encourage the growth of healthy families, healthy neighborhoods, and healthy communities. And despite being smack dab in the middle of a cross-country move, it was an opportunity that I could not pass up (and considering it was planned before our decision to move, I felt a need to fulfill my commitment).
As a result, over the next 7 days, I will be speaking 5 times in various locations around the city to roughly 500 parents… and I couldn’t be more excited. I love meeting new people. I love parenting. And I love the opportunity to encourage healthy families and influence healthy communities.
Because I have a limited opportunity at each venue, I have tried to condense the wisdom of successful parenting into one short presentation. It is not exhaustive and each point of the outline could easily become a book in itself. But I believe it is enough to enourage parents, challenge parents, and send them down a road to develop successful (and flexible) parenting habits in their lives.
And rather than asking you to come visit me this week in San Salvador, I thought I’d just put my abbreviated outline here on Becoming Minimalist:
A Simple Guide to Succesful Parenting.
1. Successful parents love their spouse. Healthy marriages form the foundation on which children base their lives. They provide the stability necessary for young children to grow, thrive, and experiment. Home becomes a safe place that models and encourages selfless love. Successful parents are faithful to their spouse. They do not take for granted the life-commitment they have made to one another. They work hard each day to love their spouse. And they pride themselves on what they can give to the relationship… not in what they can take from it.
2. Successful parents correct harmful behaviors, attitudes, and worldviews. The old proverb holds true, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” While discipline can take various forms (I would never recommend a literal rod) and should be adapted for each particular child, it must be present for parenting success. Children need to learn everything from the ground-up including appropriate behaviors, how to get along with others, how to get results, and how to achieve their dreams. Discipline should not be avoided or withheld. It should never be motivated by anger, pride, or selfish reasons… because then it causes harm rather than resulting in benefit. Instead, it should be motivated by love and a desperate desire to see your children become the best that they can be.
3. Successful parents encourage healthy behaviors, attitudes, and worldviews. Parenting is a thinking man’s game. It takes energy, strategy, and intentionality. Yet, many parents are unwilling to give it the attention that it deserves. As a result, their children become shaped by the world around them rather than by the parents who love them. Successful parents do not just discourage unhealthy habits, they also intentionally encourage positive habits. They envision the type of person they would like their children to become. They consistently model that behavior for them. They speak lofty expectations into their childrens’ lives. They think the best of their children. They provide opportunities for their children to learn valuable life lessons. And they praise positive habits both privately and publicly.
4. Successful parents encourage spirituality. I’ll probably steer away from the beaten path here for a moment, but there is a deep sense in my heart that wise parents encourage spirituality in the lives of their children. They instill within their kids a deep sense that there is more to this world than meets the eye. Some of the greatest things in this world are not things. Instead, they are invisible, life-giving, and eternal. There is a moral compass that guides life on this planet. Wise parents encourage (and provide opportunities) for their children to find it. Some of the most fruitful conversations I have with my children center on this topic of spirituality. And I always encourage parents to consider them.
5. Successful parents know when to let go. Parenting is 100% parents trying to shape lives and 100% children choosing their own life. While parenting requires time, energy, love, sweat, and tears, it also requires freedom to allow our children to make their own decisions and choose their own paths. It is a difficult balance that varies from child to child… but parents who neglect to let go cause harm. And they never accomplish the very goal of parenting itself: Making wise choices in order to prepare young men and women to be released into the world as responsible adults.
I’ll see you all again later next week. Until then, ¡Adiós!
Blake Gentry says
Bottom line: Christ is central and imperative to good parenting.
Jess@miniMum says
Unfounded and inaccurate – just like religion.
At least Joshua had the wisdom to talk about “spirituality.”
Christopher says
Hey, good. We all have our entrenched positions. Glad to know. Now what have we accomplished?
Jess@miniMum says
A vivid illustration of the effect of sweeping generalisations on an individual and highly personal topic.
Jess@miniMum says
I really enjoy this topic!
Other readers might also enjoy my very recent post:
http://minimalistmum.blogspot.com/2011/08/7-minimalist-parenting-tips.html
Cheers to all current and aspiring parents – reading and learning is half the victory.
Jess
Minimalist Mommi says
I think intentionality is a HUGE thing. I struggle with this 97% of the time. I’m still trying to deal with becoming a parent, not once, but twice on accident. It’s hard to let go of the resentment for having my hopes and dreams stifled, but at the same point tend to their needs for almost constant love and attention. I’m sure my internal struggle with parenting is having major effects on our children, but I’m the one who has to deal with it. Hopefully one of these days I can become a better, more intentional parent, but for now I give what I can and apologize for the rest.
Jennifer | Modern Aspirations says
This is a great topic to address. Gentle, deliberate, and meaningful guidance of children is very important. Encouraging them on their dreams, listening to them, and letting them know how you, as their parent, feel about them, are crucial elements in developing their self-confidence and worth. Also, consistently letting them know that you will always be there for them ensures that they realize that they always have their parents to depend on in good times and in bad. This background is one that all children need. It helps them have the confidence and inspiration to go out into the world and live the type of life that would be most fulfilling for them.
Christopher says
Great blog, great topic. My wife and I just celebrated our second anniversary yesterday by going off the pill. We don’t know when it will happen, but this is great writing to inspire us to the great responsibility that is parenting a life into and through this beautiful but often confusing and troubling world. Thanks, Josh.
Lynn says
And what if the parent is a single parent? =/
joshua becker says
Lynn, They as well ought to work hard at providing a stable home and foundation from which their children can grow.
Joel Zaslofsky says
Unlike my normal comments this one is bare bones. I just wanted to express my admiration for what you will be doing in San Salvador and sincerely hope you make a big impact on the people’s lives you come into contact with.
Roshni says
Hi,
you have a great blog and I am a regular reader. This is my first time commenting. I almost completely agree with your post except the spirituality part. I myself am religious but I do know parents who are atheists and yet are perfectly successful in their parenting. I guess you may say that they have instilled the sense that there is more to this world than just their own possessions… the greatest satisfaction is to help their fellow men and women. That may border on spirituality (I don’t know!) but they have never needed to instill the belief of God in their kids for their kids to develop as good human beings.
sharle kinnear says
I can’t think of a more important topic to talk about, and your parenting guidelines are very good! It’s hard to condense the subject into digestible mouthfuls, and too many writers/speakers belabor the subject and lose their audiences. Well put, my friend! And good luck with your trip!
Faith | Minimalist at Home says
Now that my oldest is in middle school, I’m finding #5 to be harder than I expected. We spend so much time when they are little trying to protect them from everything, that it’s hard to make the mental shift of letting them learn to take care of themselves. It is definitely neat to watch with pride when they rise to the occasion and show you how much they’ve grown though.
Have a great week! I’m sure your talk will go great. I can’t think of a more important topic to discuss.
Helen Davies says
HI, I am English, visiting daughter and grandchildren in Maui. I so agree with much of this, especially that it is parents responsibility to teach children to respect others, to be helpful members of society, to give as much as they take emotionally,practically and physically, etc…. I see children spoilt with plastic toys yet deprived of parents’ attention, both in terms of sitting down and playing/drawing/cooking etc with them and also in terms of teaching them the correct way to behave. I am not an old fashioned person at all and welcome positive feedback to children but I see so many parents taking this to an extreme and not doing the hard bit, i.e. the discipline, etc, love and discipline go hand in hand and are vital to produce a well rounded, balanced child. Family activities are as important as anything else!