“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
Rach says
Really well said. Not only is this approach good for the soul, I genuinely believe it is one of the most effective in professional situations that might be fraught with confrontation. (I speak from many years experience dealing with customer complaints on the phone and face-to-face!) Those who shout must on some level think that nobody will hear them otherwise. Showing you listen (especially in situations where others would not) is powerfully disarming. If someone believes a person is really listening to them, they have more reasons to choose their words carefully and to consider that bellowing might not be necessary.
Kim says
I found your words so powerful – “Those who shout must on some level think that nobody will hear them otherwise.” What a great insight. Thank you.
Karen @ Pieces of Contentment says
Amen. It also does your own soul good to approach life this way.
Lel says
This is a very timely message, Joshua. Thank you for the reminder on gentleness and kindness. God has indeed blessed you with such wisdom.
Your family’s journey has truly inspired me to take a step not just in decluttering but to really stop, look, and listen to my heart and find out what truly matters. Someday, I hope to share it the same way you have done with your readers. May God bless you and your family more!
jim says
Couldn’t agree more with the “treat others as you would like to be treated”. HOWEVER, sometimes when I/you are really screwing up and have repeatedly refused to listen to good counsel, someone needs to kick my/your ass, get my/your attention and effectively communicate somethings I/you may not want to hear. But it would be in my/your best interest to learn from their wisdom, sans the pain they went thru to gain that wisdom. Sometimes “kind” is a good, swift kick in the ass – metaphorically speaking.
Kent Julian says
“When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.”
One of the best paragraphs I’ve read in a while!
Brooks Palmer says
That was beautifully stated, Joshua. I figure if someone is in an attacking mode, they are in a lot of pain inside. Attacking them wouldn’t help me or them. Sometimes it helps to ask genuinely if they are okay.
Lois Smallwood says
So true…hurt people ,hurt people…..takes a stronger person not to retaliate sometimes…but always for the best to respond with grace( though not easy on occasions it can feel very personal)
Julia Bloom says
Yes. Exactly. Thanks for faithfully building a blog where kindness lives.
Lauren says
Lovely. Simply lovely. So eloquently stated. To add to the thought… it is also good to remember to be vocal when we appreciate people and what they have to offer. Sometimes we assume people don’t need to hear it. It only helps keep the positivity flowing. Thank you.
Toni says
Thank you for this post. It made me feel calm.
Deborah Spencer says
Well put! Thank you for the wonderful reminder.