“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
I like the Jewish saying. …there’s a contemporary Irish one: A kind word never broke a tooth !
Colossians 4:6The Message (MSG)
5-6 Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.
Its almost like you just watched my morning interaction with my 12 yr old. It did not go well. I then spent the 20 min drive back home reeling about how horrible it went and how differently I should have behaved. Your words put what I was thinking into perfect perspective. Well said. So true. And the end result will feel so much better when it starts with kindness. If only I had read this first. ;) I am saving this, and reminding myself often!!
Been there and done that. .x3 teenagers!! They seemed to know how to push my buttons! ;/ All in their 20s now and we have great relationships. The best thing I was taught (by my mum’s actions) was to ‘front-foot’ and get in first with my apology. .a clear, unequivocal one. Just stating what I’M sorry for and stopping right after that.! It’s a humbling step but it did work. :)
Thanks for the reminder. I’ve found this to be true, as well. It’s difficult not to react defensively when feeling attacked and in the heat of the moment, but when I react with kindness it fosters more positive communication and often leads to a better understanding between parties. Meditation has helped me be less reactive and more responsive, and a deliberate “pause” does wonders. I work at this every day.
“…turn away negativity with positivity.” WOW! Thank you Joshua for your continued words of wisdom.
Thanks for this gem. And of course, responding softly to trolls also means our control stays with us. We don’t give the troll charge of our emotions.
Well, I was unable to do this with my father’s wife and then him because of their handling of a situation I was in. I was already in emotional pain and instead of just listening etc she had to project her stuff onto me. I told her to ‘be quiet’. Well of course I was the baddie. To this day we are estranged because I owe her an apology , according to them. I hurt her, but never mind how she hurt me. But that wasn’t the first time.
Thank you so much for this post. Of late I have been discovering that answering attacks with counterattacks only serves to mask the attacker’s behavior and makes people think the victim is the provoker. It is better to have a habit of being calm in the face of such attacks and be gentle as you’ve pointed out. However, this does take practice for some, and that includes me. It is initially frustrating when we cannot dump our anxiety and take the easy way out by reacting yet again. But if we persist, one fine day, without even knowing, we’re suddenly able to respond with kindness at last.
One day years ago, I yelled at my then teen aged son because I was cranky from a bad day at work. When I apologized for taking that out on him, he said, “Oh, I see. It was a cry for help.” Compassion may not soothe every angry person but it keep us from being hurt by another’s frustrations. I love this blog and all the wonderful replies. I hug you all with my heart.
So right. At the end of the day, we strive for our own peace.
Thanks for the article.
Thank you.
Joshua, you are a man after my own heart. Reading your article felt so much like mine. You’re simply unforgettable. Thank you.
1 Peter 3:15
“Always be ready to give a reason for the hope that is in you, but do so with gentleness and respect.”
Thanks for this article – I just can’t have too many reminders! Lots of good comments too.
I have an additional suggestion as to why a calm response sometimes causes more anger. A lot of people use a calm, apparently kind response as a manipulative trick, and sometimes as a means of establishing a sort of moral superiority, and if you sense that is the case it is annoying. So it is important that you speak with genuine kindness in your heart. If you do, I think the other person usually feels and responds to it, even if they are suspicious at first.
The part I really struggle with is “answer clearly”. My “kindly” is probably more “wimpy” and I end up not getting my point across. Any suggestions?
I used to work in customer service. Whenever I dealt with angry customers, I would always serve them with a smiling face and kind words. I observed over and over again how my response softened their behaviour and changed their attitude. Love is the answer!
I shouted at my son last night, and I feel bad about it, I had back pain, and he was naughty, but I shouted more than I needed to, I know it was down to being in pain, and I took it out on him.
I love this post and I am sure it will help me to respond better next time
Thank you, Joshua, for this post. It is encouraging and gave me peace of mind, as I am not good at facing very negative comments, but at my work, these occasions come around everyday. I feel stressed and sometimes want to just escape. I will copy this advice to my notebook to remember. Thank you for helping our life.
I have to say, this was brilliantly stated. Being clear and gentle, yet firm is the best way to go in any interaction. I see more negative comments online than I would like to but always try to view them with compassion. I do love your posts! Thank you!
There is always good advice on this blog. I am glad that I joined it!
I really love your posts. In a world with too much information I find you have to choose a few blogs to follow and ignore the rest. Glad I found yours, top of my list. Thanks for your effort. Shaun
Proverbs 15:1 is your proper source. It’s a verse in the Bible.
Great article :)
I just had an opportunity for this, and almost went the other way, but didn’t. Now, I think I made a new friend.
You and your writings are wonderful! I cannot imagine anyone being mean to you. Such a terrible shame. Fallen world.
We love you and your work!
Oh how I love this one, Mr. Becker. This is how we can turn our world into a peaceful one, one person at a time. Beautifully written.