Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is credited as first saying, “Change is the only constant in life.”
And I think he’s right. Change happens all around us, all the time. The weather changes, leadership changes, culture changes, our jobs change, our families change… and we change.
Sometimes quickly, but often slowly, we change.
Our worldview changes, our attitudes change, our goals change, our habits change, our hobbies change, our fears change, our relationships change, even our bodies change.
With that in mind, I have a question for you today:
Do you like the person you are becoming?
We ask a lot of questions of ourselves and each other: But one of the most self-reflective, and most helpful questions we could ever ask ourselves focuses less on what we are doing, and more on who we are becoming.
Because if something is changing, there are only three possibilities:
- It is getting better.
- It is getting worse.
- Or the change is neutral.
The same is true of you and true of me. We are changing. And we are either become more like the people we want to be, or less.
Sometimes it is helpful to stop and evaluate and see which direction we are heading.
I once had a friend who was very excited about the changes taking place in her life. They weren’t changes of employment or external circumstances necessarily, they were deeper, heart changes about the way she saw the world and the way she began interacting with people. She was excited to share with me the things she had been learning and who she was becoming.
Amidst our conversation, she asked me about some accomplishments she had seen in my life (the blog, books, the YouTube channel, etc.). And she inquired how I felt about them. She was anxious to hear how my view on life had changed over the last 3-4 years.
I responded to her question, “I’m excited about the work I’m doing. But I don’t think I always like the person I am becoming. In fact, if I’m being honest, I think I’m a little less patient than I was ten years ago. I think I’m a little more prideful—maybe even less kind. I also sometimes wonder if I was a little more fun to be around a decade ago.”
I don’t think she was expecting that answer. But her question gave me opportunity to articulate some rumblings in my heart that I’d been feeling for awhile. Not all change is good, and I can see some changes in my life moving me away from the person I most want to be.
Either we are becoming more like the person we want to be, we are becoming less like the person we want to be, or the changes in our life are neutral in this regard.
But if we’re moving further and further away from the person we want to be, it is wise to notice that as soon as possible so the course correction can be easier, more efficient, and more effective.
Of course, this isn’t always an easy question to answer. In most cases, it’s not a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ We may look at our trajectory and be proud of some of the changes, but regret others.
*We may be excelling at work but becoming more demanding along the way.
*We may be getting ahead financially but spending less time at home than we used to.
*We may be losing weight but becoming more prideful or focused on outward appearances because of it.
*We may be excited about specific accomplishments, but worried about the ways we are coping with the stress of them.
*We may be making great strides in some habits but faltering in others.
In each scenario, we should ask ourselves, do I HAVE to be giving up positive progress in one area of my life just to succeed in another? When I get down to the heart of the matter, do I like the person I am becoming?
If you are not happy with the person you are becoming, here are some thoughts to help you change course:
1. You can always change.
Nobody can take away your right to change. No employer, no spouse, no toxic relationship. Positive change is always possible. You are the only person who gets to decide who you are going to become.
2. Don’t change your goals, change your habits.
Often the goals we pursue, when they are new, bring about these unexpected changes that move us away from who we want to be. If that is the case, and you can pinpoint the pursuit drawing you away, you have two options: 1) remove it, or 2) alter how you chase it.
Maybe you are striving to start a new business but are beginning to notice that its taking more time away from your family than you imagined—and you can see that is not who you want to become. Maybe the answer is stop pursuing the new business venture. Or maybe there is a different approach that you need to adopt in chasing it.
3. We love to see people trying to change for the better.
Our world loves to cheer people making positive changes. Oh, some get jealous and envious, and might try to keep you down. But for the most part, we are a society that cheers for the underdog. Take comfort in that and know that many will see your changes and cheer for you to succeed.
4. It’s never too late to change.
The best time to change for the positive may have been yesterday or ten years ago, but the second-best time is right now. If you’re still living (which I assume you are), you’ve got time to change. And while you can’t change the past, you can redeem it. And no matter how much time you have left, you can set an example for others.
5. People are remembered most for who they were, not what they accomplished.
If the accomplishments you are pursuing are resulting in the negative changes in your life (which is often the case), remind yourself that who you are is more important. The people who know you best will always remember your character and values more than your personal accomplishments.
May we all be changing for the better.
About Joshua Becker
My favorite quote from Maya Angelou is: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” It hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. I realized that, being full of myself when I was younger, I made others feel “less than.” I think I needed to push others down to feel even better about myself. I wince when I think about it. Now, I try hard to build others up, to praise them, to give honest compliments whenever I can. And lo and behold, it builds yourself up and makes YOU happy as well.
Joshua, thank you for the check. I really appreciated this article because a lot has changed this year and it has changed us all. I have been trying new things including a new business but sometimes I feel I’m distracted from what I really need to focus on. I am still learned the balance because I don’t want to give up. I feel excited for what the future holds but I am learning new ropes and getting a bit tangled sometimes. This article really encouraged me to work on my mental focus and scheduling so that I can be present for I need to be present for when I need to be and not when I don’t need to be.
That’s the whole point of simplifying, to put your focus in the right place.
Very wise words —> “Nobody can take away your right to change. No employer, no spouse, no toxic relationship. Positive change is always possible. You are the only person who gets to decide who you are going to become.”
When the pandemic began, I decided it was time to make some much needed changes. I decided I would lose weight (11 pounds so far) while everyone else was gaining. I also started the blog which had been in my head for years.
While the pandemic is a terrible tragedy, it gave me pause and caused me to focus on fulfilling my purpose and improving my finances, health, and relationships. I’m determined to make the best of it and come out stronger on the other end.
So inspirational!
“..And while you can’t change the past, you can redeem it.”
I love this phrase, we get so caught up in regret for the past and it paralyzes us to do anything moving forward. So liberating to know that what we do from here on can redeem and validate past mistakes.
This was an amazing read that set me thinking for long as I have never really pondered on where I am and where I want to be, as I have never evaluated myself in these terms. I think I don’t even know the person I’d like to become like. These thoughts led me to read this post again and again, and I am really hoping to soon find answers to the questions that I had never before asked myself. Million thanks for writing this wonderful post.
The challenge I see with
5. People are remembered most for who they were, not what they accomplished.
is that we spend years at school learning about people who achieved something, who did something – in history, science, art … etc. So we are programmed to “leave a legacy” which is something more tangible than “(s)he was a really kind person”.
And of course there are examples of achievements that were basically a direct results of a great character, however overall we tend to celebrate results and accomplishments and not the method or path of reaching them.
I disagree. But thanks for the comment. How many people that have lived do you read about in textbooks? A handful? And even those people, among the people who knew them best, were remembered for the type of people they were.
“The people who know you best will always remember your character and values more than your personal accomplishments.” Whether positive or negative.
Remembering a person for there character more than their accomplishments is so true and much meaningful to you personally.
For example, meeting an athlete or any celebrity and coming away from it with a newly formed way of looking at him due to the character he or she displayed. It has happened to me a few times and I much prefer to pass on how nice one was and remember that how many awards or wins they had.
I didn’t know it, but this was the message I needed today. I’m proud of some of my accomplishments of the last few years, but your article made me realize I’ve become more “me-centered” than I want to be. As some others have commented, I also allow myself to feel so much more anger and despair about the world than I want to. I eventually get around to thinking of all I can be grateful for, but that is not usually my first response, as I would like it to be. A very thoughtful and honest post, Joshua, and a real inspiration. Thank you.
Thank You!
On the 25th of each month, since my birthday is Dec 25,
I review my previous month. Then, I consider the upcoming month.
Yes, changing my habits provides the most challenge in becoming who I want to be!
In my third year as Her Babi, Czech for Grandma, I’ve examined my values. My legacy for her is not cash but my active values. Yes,
my life is ever changing.
Mary Oliver: “Attention is the beginning of devotion.”
Once a year I try to sit myself down and evaluate where I have been, where I am and where I want to go – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, academically – whether I am making wise choices, keeping company with nurturing friends and acquaintances, taking time to “know” myself and WHO I really am. Many changes come from these times and growth as a human being ensues. God’s Word has always held the standard that I measure all of the above against. I will never be perfect but we strive for perfection.
“Don’t change your goals, change your habits” Yes! Habits make a world of difference. This is what I struggle with the most.
I feel that I do like the person that I am becoming.
I am finding out new things about myself that eventually lead to some form of change, whether it’d be in the way I think or the way I act (or both) towards situations and people. These are good.
Sometimes change comes out of nowhere. Such as our interests and creativity. That always changes, and this is where I have a bit of a hard time. I now enjoy other things that I never thought I would enjoy, but at the same time I don’t want to loose the previous interest. I find myself not wanting to let go of that part of myself, which I feel I identified with for so long.
How can I accept this new change in me while letting go of “myself”?
One thing that helps me let go is to not view letting go as a loss. Instead I view new interests and experiences as “adding to” the wonder that is me (and you). Past interests don’t disappear, they just have their seasons. And like seasons they come back around (often when im not ready :) best wishes to you
I really like that! They come and go just like seasons. That is a way I hadn’t thought about.
I heard this poet (sorry I can’t remember the name) talk about how we change and shed our past. He compared it to a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. The past is important because it shaped who we are now. It is important and necessary, and it has served its purpose. I liked this analogy but it did not resonate with me. I still had trouble letting go…
But this seasonal change makes more sense for me. Thank you for commenting this. I now have a different way of viewing my change in interest. THank you.
I’m really glad that you found my comment helpful! It was my first one. Best wishes on your journey!
Kari, I remember reading a quote about butterflies that may prove
helpful. “ What the caterpillar sees as the end, is really just the
beginning.” Sorry, I don’t know who said this phrase, however
I found it to be helpful. I know for myself I am trying to change my identity through habits. For example, I want to become a minimalist,
so I follow this blog and try to incorporate new habits that will help
me to become a minimalist.
Sorry for the way it printed.
I’m finding that the last several years have made me feel more anger, not in my personal life but the country at large. I’ve never seen our country so divided and filled with so many untruths. What has happened to caring for one another, respect? Now it seems we’re all about what we can get instead of what we can give as a society. I’m really trying to deal with this and get back to feeling like me.
I feel this too, at times. What helps me is to remember that truth is relative and the turmoil that I perceive is the result of pain. Then I remember that all pain is temporary and put my attention on gratitude. Shortly after, my world feels like a much better place. I hope that you find the peace that you seek.
This is a great article.
Thank you
This is one of your best posts yet! I am currently trying to change myself for the better, so this came at the best time. I am in my 40s – I have started to realize that I can do a lot more than I have if I were to change some of my habits. Thanks!
Thank you for writing this. It gave me much to think about. I am working on a project that gives me mixed feelings about myself. A reevaluation is in order.
I’ve been thinking lately that I might be moving in a better direction personally. I lost my husband February 2 and after much searching I realized I had been putting him in front of God. I looked to him for my protection, my needs. When he was not there I had to lean on God to get me through the hard times of getting everything in order and protecting me. Living alone is scary but I write a letter to God every night asking for peace and comfort. He sends it.
My husband was my world but in moving forward and trusting God to help me become a better person, I’m becoming who I wish I had been when he was here. I’m more focused on what really matters. I needed a spiritual make over.
One if the best articles that I’ve read that made me evaluate myself. Thank you!
This topic gave me pause … I like some of the changes I am making but I am noting that along with the changes is some sadness/disappointment. I think that I am looking for recognition/praise from others that acknowledge that they notice the changes.
Thanks for the comment. Is that a new part of you? Looking for recognition/praise?
I think it is most important to first examine who we think we want to be – to carefully examine and detail all the aspects we think we wish to be, look for what others think people should aspire to (perhaps various philosphers, people we admire, etc). Basically, comtemplate the question “what are my values?” before, or perhaps along side, examining if we are growing into living our values. thank you for your time.
I think that’s true.
Thanks in part to you, Joshua – I like the person I am becoming. I’m pushing myself to be more motivated, realizing that if I want something done—- thinking about it is not good enough. Got to take action. It’s always a process.
Loads to ponder. Thanks for the thought provoking question.
May many find this article and take it to ♥
This article has come at a very good time. I have lately been pondering if I like who I have become. Mostly due to the way the world is now days. It has given me more to think about.
You are always sharing insights just when I need to hear the words …..interesting how that works !! Thank you for all your work in supporting us in a time when so many folks are feeling discouraged ….the pandemic is certainly a time of reflection and your posts always plant the seeds for me . Stay well !
Thank you for the encouraging words Christine. I appreciate them very much.
One of you top 3 articles. Bravo!
This was a compelling and timely read. Very helpful ! Thank you