I spent most of the past week in Honduras. For the last 9 months, I have been quietly working on maybe the most significant (and most ambitious) project of my life. We are preparing an official announcement and public launch this November.
While conducting research and documenting our vision, we spent several days at La Providencia—an orphanage in Siguatepeque.
One afternoon, when the sun hid behind the clouds, we began playing with some of the kids. We’d swing them around and they’d climb on our shoulders and back down again.
At one point, I helped a 9-year old girl walk up my legs and chest before backflipping over her arms to land safely on her feet.
After a few successful backflips, her house mom came outside to greet us. The young girl quickly yelled for her mom to watch, hoping to catch her attention. When her house mom acknowledged that she was watching, she flipped one more time and promptly looked over to see if her mom had noticed. I didn’t think much of it at the time—almost every kid does the same.
Towards the end of the evening, we were having dinner with the Director of the Orphanage. Our conversation turned to the difficult process of helping orphaned children learn to trust. Family is an important value at La Providencia. And helping orphans feel a part of one takes both intentionality and patience.
“Did you notice, Joshua, when that girl was swinging on your arms? How she went to get her house mom’s attention? You thought nothing of it, but for us, that is highly significant. It means she is beginning to feel safe. Children in a healthy family relationship would act the same way. They want to show off new accomplishments to their parents and experience acceptance in this way. That is what we hope to provide for these kids—but sometimes, it takes years to get to that point.”
I quickly remembered the different times my children did the same thing, trying to capture their mother’s or father’s attention. Still, even today, my 9-year old daughter will ask me to watch her perform a new trick or show me something she has recently completed. I think it is natural—we desire to be noticed by those we love the most.
This is healthy. But too often, our intentions get misplaced.
Recently, it seems, we have begun to distort this internal need. We still desire to be noticed, but nowadays, with the advent of social media, we desire “likes,” and “retweets,” and “comments,” and “views” and “clicks.” We refresh our Instagram or Facebook page minutes after posting a photo or status update just to see how many other people have clicked a heart or thumbs-up.
Even apart from social media, we experience misplaced intentions. We stay longer at the office in the evening hoping our boss will notice. We commit our kids to just one more extracurricular activity to prove how successful he or she is going to be. Or we buy that luxury item so we can show to the neighbors how successful we are in business.
Granted, in and of themselves, working hard, providing opportunities for our kids, or being successful on social media is not a bad thing. However, when we begin chasing those accolades rather than the most important ones right in front of us, we run down a dangerous road.
There is nothing wrong with putting in extra effort at work… unless your family is eating another meal alone.
There is nothing wrong with providing opportunities for our kids… unless we are using them to display our superiority.
And there is nothing wrong with being active on social media… unless we are sacrificing the relationships right in front of us.
Maybe David Letterman said it best. For 30 years, David has hosted late night television, most recently, The Late Show with David Letterman. This week was his final episode. In an emotional farewell address, he mentioned everyone associated with the show thanking most of them by name.
But when he thanked his wife and son for all their support, he added this comment, “Thank you for being my family. I love you both. And really, nothing else matters, does it?”
I think, at the end of our lives, we will fully realize which people meant the most to us, who showed us the most love, and whose acceptance we most desired. And more times than not, that will be our family and our closest friends—not our boss, not our neighbors, and not strangers on the Internet who clicked a small “like” button.
Let’s live lives that focus on the right things and the right people. Let’s choose to focus our pursuits on the right “likes”—those that come from the people we love the most.
About Joshua Becker
Truly inspirational thank you
Hi Joshua,
Totally agree with what you have mentioned in this blog post. Nowadays, so many people are focusing on the social media instead of real relationship.
Few weeks ago, I was meeting some of my high school friends as they happened to visit Singapore. During our dinner, they would checked or replied messages every 5 minutes. Maybe it’s ok for them, but it was really disturbing me because we could not have full complete communication. At the end, I get the feeling that the smartphone gets more attention rather than the real person sitting right in front of them (which is me). But when I told them to put their phone away, they said its the trend nowadays to check message every minutes.
Therefore, I would like to thank you for writing your point of view in regards to this issue so I can keep this blog post as a reminder to choose the correct “Likes”. Thank you.
Warmest Regards,
Kelvin Tan
http://www.tankelvin.com
Thank you for this wise and soulful post, Joshua Becker. A breath of fresh air. :)
And yet, Joshua, if likes do not matter, then you would disable comments on your blog — because nothing tells the world you want their feedback than enabling them that endeavor.
Thanks for the comment Ari, but I’m not sure I understand. I value very much feedback and input from others. I think another person’s point of view on any and every topic I choose to write about is helpful to me and the community. I certainly do not have a monopoly on life experiences. Comments help round out my thinking and expose blindspots. Are you arguing something different?
I agree Joshua. Wise people are open to the world around them, listening to others, and even at times, filtering out the nonsense.
Thank you for this post. A wonderful reminder as it is often easy to get sucked into doing each of those a little and in some cases it may result in sacrificed time with loved ones. I also have a 9 year old daughter and she is always wanting to show me things and see if I am watching/listening. I am glad that even those moments make a difference to her in regards to feeling safe and trustworthy.
Such a healthy perspective. And I really like that throughout this particular article there is not one of those annoying “Tweet That” boxes! I have started to avoid blogs that have that in them, even blogs I value, because I find it annoying and pathetic; as if people aren’t even bright enough anymore to copy and tweet what they find of value, so I really enjoyed going through this particular article on this particular topic without that. Thank you.
Another uplifting article, thank you. It does make me think of the people and parents I see watching their phone instead of watching their lives.
So very true
When I see people who over actively on social media I assume they are lonely. They need attention. And love.
Great post and wonderful reminder! Whenever I read a book, I read the acknowledgements and dedication pages. I think you can learn so much from who people thank and point to as being the strength behind their success. And it reminds me that it’s not about the “likes”, but the people and causes that truly matter to us.
Joshua, I’m an avid reader of your blogs and look forward to the new ones with excitement.
A few months ago, I was an exchange student in Germany and noticed something so disturbing.
Parents, sometimes single and otherwise together, in the tram, would be fixated on the smartphone in their hands doing xyz while their little kid in a pram danced for their attention.
More often than not, the kid gave up asking for attention.
Similarly, in my great country, India, children have become the responsibility of the domestic help while the parents mindlessly waste their time ‘chasing likes’.
It’s time to realise what is more important in life, the click of a mouse (mostly mindlessly) or the smile of your child?
So true
I need to make improvements in this area. Smart phones are causing more harm than good. It is a new addiction.
Joshua,
Siguatepeque, Honduras is a beautiful town. I once visited the area to perform dental mission work. The beautiful rolling hills and people still hold dear to my heart.
Beautiful post. Thank you.
Meghan
I’m so glad you pointed out the wisdom and pure truth in what David Letterman said–I found it so touching. This person who has sat with presidents, is monetarily very wealthy in most standards, and had the power to enter our living rooms nightly has the understanding that his life has been most blessed not from those achievements but instead by the love of his family. It wasn’t the “Top Ten” that wowed me–it was his humble words to his family. Your comments about “chasing likes” on this post very profound and appreciated. Blessings to you and on your new project.
https://awellstockedlife.wordpress.com/2015/05/23/sit-back-and-wait-on-your-setbacks/
Hello Joshua, I too am enjoying your postings. I think though that “Becoming Minimalist” doesn’t quite capture it. To me it seems like so much more. Essentialism captures it best for me.
Powerful post. It’s so easy to get caught up in “chatter”……meaningless, time sucking chatter. You really made me stop and think! Angela Muller
I’m Honduran, I didn’t knew you came. I’m excited to hear your project & thank you for coming & sharing time with the kids in Siguatepeque. Most of the problems that society has come from lack of family love & education. You did great! :)
What a beautiful, moving post, Joshua. Your words have me in tears. It is SO true. The ones who really matter already “like” us more than anyone else ever will. This is true contentment…the real way we are supposed to live our lives. I am so thankful to have found your blog. You are a consistent inspiration to my family and me. God bless you.
It’s funny, I was in a doctors office today and read a cosmo for the fist time in…many, many years. Flicking through it some of the ‘quirks’ I see on social media suddenly made sense! Tagging a million selfies and following a trend might get you a lot of clicks, but clicks don’t add value to your life, interactions do.
Joshua,
Bullseye!
Thank you again, a post that adds value to my day.
~Troy
I couldn’t be more excited to hear about your project in Honduras. In the meantime, I think that the you’ve captured the human desire for approval and affirmation in the image of that little girl. It is so true that we seek those things from the wrong sources, and we become people-pleasers: desiring to please someone– anyone. Thanks for this reminder to focus on those that matter.
I love this. And it is so true.
This is the most significant post I have ever read on your site since I started reading a couple of years ago.
You hit the nail on the head – God bless.
Agree. Many have been really good, but this one is great.
This was perfect. I have tried to live by the axiom, “people are more important than things,” but every so often I get caught up in things, or status, or other’s expectations and am pulled away from those most important to me. This post was a clear reminder that my family and loved ones should always come first. .
Wow, that is so inspiring to hear about your work at the orphanage. My heart breaks when I think of children without strong families. I can’t wait to hear your announcement!
Unfortunately our technology has made us a very narcissistic society. Not just social media, but I never understood why anything thinks that they are so important in the world that they need to use their cell phone while driving and risk injuring others.
I meant to write ‘anyone’, not ‘anything’. :)
You deserve a few extra likes for your work with these children Joshua. Give your children a tighter hug and create great memories with them. Hopefully I can do a little more to follow your example.
Your project sounds wonderful, I can’t wait until the official announcement!
It’s so true, the only thing that matters in the end is those you love and who love you too. My daughter (10 months old) reminds me that every day :)
Hi Joshua
I’m absolutely with you on this. In the end the only thing that matters is people and the people that matter the most are those you love.
Only last year we downsized to a smaller place only minutes from where Laura, my partner, works . She had to commute for an hour or more to work often in the dark on bad roads and we happily settled for less room and more time together.
And people at her workplace do remark on how can we live in such a ‘wee’ place, but I get to hold her in my arms for an extra two hours a day – priceless.
Yes. Just yes. And thanks, Joshua. Your words have made a difference in my life, and I appreciate it.
Yes, the addiction of random people giving us their random 3 minutes is hardly any match for the real stuff.
Let’s not only raise trusting well adjusted kids, but also let’s raise kids to be great adults.
Joshua—God bless your endeavors! :)
I deeply feel what you have written! For years I struggled in a job, looking for approval, and yet never being happy with the level I got. Now, as I stay at home mum, just a grin from my toddler makes my heart sing.
You also struck a chord with the story of the 9-year old. My eldest son is adopted and all the skills we take for granted, like seeking out mum when he has been hurt, or calling for me if he needs help, we have had to teach him, explicitly, in the same way that other parents teach their kids to tie their shoe-laces. It is a great achievement when a milepost is reached like that – thank you for sharing that little story!
Hi Joshua,
This years I lost 2 Aunts, 1 Uncle, my dear friend to lung cancer (he was only 55) and almost lost my best friend who suffered a massive stroke and is still recovering in rehab 4 months later. She’ll likely be there for over a year. All this loss has hit me hard, but it has also been a reminder about keeping my priorities where they need to be. My friends and family are THE most important thing in my life. I don’t let my schedule take precedence over them despite running two blogs, caring for my mother with dementia and running another business. It’s difficult but if you don’t put people first, one day they are gone. And you can’t get them back.
Hi Joshua,
I am really enjoying your blog. Your new project sounds fascinating. I can’t wait to hear more about it.
I love how Becoming Minimalist is about much more than decluttering our lives. It’s about living a meaningful life – something I’m working on!
Erin
http://www.findmyniche.com.au