“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. And with how flooded we are by social media, it’s easier than ever to constantly find someone “better” to compare ourselves to, which only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly, I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison?
Tips on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How do you stop constantly comparing yourself to others? Here are some useful tips that have worked really well:
- Be aware of its ill effects. Take notice of the harmful effects comparing yourself to others has on your life. Intentionally remove it from the inside-out to free yourself from the damage this mindset has had on you.
- See your own successes. Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
- Desire the greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
- Compete less and appreciate more. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world. Remind yourself nobody is perfect. While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
- Take a walk. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
- Find inspiration without comparison. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference. Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
- Compare with yourself. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.
Further Reading
- USA Today covers a study performed by researchers from Lancaster University that highlighted the common feelings of depression that follows frequent posting on social media. It’s worth a read to see how platforms like Facebook can negatively affect our mental health.
If you’re interested in reading the study yourself, you can find it here. But be aware that the study itself isn’t accessible for free (while the USA Today article is free to read).
Dan says
Great article! Most people sleep for about 28,800 seconds each day. Comparing yourself for one second out of remaining 57,600 is even more wasteful!
Vivek Rajkotia says
Thanks for sharing your experience and lessons from that.I know that compare kills but still many time I compare my self with others and that feeling makes me down. I feel less confident and more doubtful person. But your article helps me to get back to my original. I like to add one more thing that , being honest to yourself helps to avoid comparison. Kudos Joshua for this article. Keep smiling:)
Paul Nicholson says
Great article thanks! I just came from the golf course where constantly comparing golf scores kills a lot of enjoyment in people.
Emily says
Thanks a lot!! That’s my life struggle
I had tears with each sentence you’ve wrote because I am continuously suffering from this especially I got accepted to study my speciality with people who are very talented
It feels like I hate my self very bad since I started studying with them
I hope I work using your advises
Thank you
Saiyam says
I have been struggling with this and decided to get rid of this and happened to google how? Then came this article. I was smiling while reading and i am already feel a bit light and free. Thank you so much!
Jeannette Cruz says
Thank you so much for this article. I will use this to change my life.
Grace says
As a single mom who has a son with learning disabilities I tried to home school him. I nearly went from an office to working from home and took less college classes as I returned to the university in senior level courses and now it been halted. I tried in my own strength to teach my son and it didn’t work. I stopped comparing him to others and it works. I embrace him for who he is and remind myself that I am a great mom no matter what struggles I face. This article made my day.
Yes less is more !
Anant says
Massive respect madam!
Clarissa says
The truth is I am not happy when I compare myself to others also I hide my abilities and talents. I taught that others are the best and me is worst. Thank you very much for this guide I really appreciate it. You know my heart doesn’t feel good when I compare myself to others but now I wanted to try this guide to became happy and to be more successful in life.
Clarissa says
Thank you for this guide because I was enlightened.
Dave Williams says
Thank you so much. Your posts are consistently genuine, humble, clearly written with the intention merely to help others and share an antidote to a highly empty, materialistic life. How important it is to have examples like yourself out there, mirroring our real challenges and teaching us how to shift our paradigms and practices that lead to more authentic and fulfilling lives.
I’ve learned and grown because of your courageous insight. Thank you Mr. Becker.
Chris says
This article is a bunch of useless platitudes and bs. Thanks for nothing.
Southdown727 says
I’m feeling exactly as described partially because lack self confidence & partially because at the age of 52 & having been employed since 1982 i still feel that i am not even on the bottom rung of the promotional ladder whilst all around me in work & outside of work i see all these younger people, some not much older than 21, with all there better qualifications & degrees going about there business in there smart suits etc. It really gets me down. For the record I did not do to well at School and this as certainly due in later years as a result of not being able to hear a word the teachers were saying due to all the noise of fellow classmates. I think i would have felty better about myself if i had achieved more at school & maybe obtained better exam results.
Sure says
I’m really delightful for finding this article.. Came here because of my anxiety of my son who can’t walk by himself although he’s already 1 year and 3 months right now..
Actually I can manage my worry by telling my self that I don’t need to worry about him because it just a matter of time until he’s ready and no need to compare my son to others..
But all I need is more advices, real examples and some motivations to strengthen my opinion..
Well, I got them in your article..
Thanks..