“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. And with how flooded we are by social media, it’s easier than ever to constantly find someone “better” to compare ourselves to, which only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly, I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison?
Tips on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How do you stop constantly comparing yourself to others? Here are some useful tips that have worked really well:
- Be aware of its ill effects. Take notice of the harmful effects comparing yourself to others has on your life. Intentionally remove it from the inside-out to free yourself from the damage this mindset has had on you.
- See your own successes. Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
- Desire the greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
- Compete less and appreciate more. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world. Remind yourself nobody is perfect. While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
- Take a walk. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
- Find inspiration without comparison. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference. Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
- Compare with yourself. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.
Further Reading
- USA Today covers a study performed by researchers from Lancaster University that highlighted the common feelings of depression that follows frequent posting on social media. It’s worth a read to see how platforms like Facebook can negatively affect our mental health.
If you’re interested in reading the study yourself, you can find it here. But be aware that the study itself isn’t accessible for free (while the USA Today article is free to read).
What a lovely article! Thanks for your wisdom :D
This was incredibly helpful! I compare myself to others in so many aspects of my life, and I truly needed this. Perfection is a lie, and a futile goal…but it’s far too easy to engage in the vicious cycle of comparisons. I’ll never be the most wise, the best looking, and so on…i think we all need to accept that so that we may end self judgement. It truly gets us nowhere!
This article is a hidden gem for anyone struggling with comparison. Reading it was a breath of fresh air. Time to put these words to action – that is the key! Thank you!
I enjoyed reading this so very much. It came at a time when I was catching up on Facebook (which I haven’t looked at in 5 years) and reading about how fabulous the lives of my friends have become. Looking at my own life seems so mediocre in contrast. But then I thank God for the blessings that are specifically mine and am grateful for the heartaches that have shaped them. Now if I can just quit comparing other people’s children to my daughter and let her find her own successes instead of seeing her losses.
Thanks for this! It means a lot. :)
Thanks soo much for the article. I am always comparing myself to others..and then get really down on myself for mistakes i have made in the past. This article helps me.
I am a working man just like millions of others ( sorry about the comparison????) Where I started out in college is totally different from where I am now. No matter. I have found a balance in my life and am learning go let go of the past. I still play out old scenarios in my mind but that is okay they are part of what has shaped me. Thank you for your article. It is full of important reminders.
Thanks so much for this article. For me, comparison is a long-standing habit that is rooted in deep feelings of inadequacy and being constantly compared to other families by my parents, as well as my own comparisons to the best parts of other people. Social Media can play a huge part in exacerbating this as well.
I think the point about comparison that hit home the most was “comparisons are always unfair: we will always compare the worst that we know about ourselves with the presumed best parts of others.”
If there’s anyone else out there that also felt deeply inadequate in the past, and was constantly struggling with various aspects of their life, I just wanted to reach out and connect to them and give them my own words of sincere encouragement. I also highly recommend bookmarking this article, and reading it daily.
Comparing myself to others is a constant battle within inside of me. I knew I had to stop, so I turned to my friend google who found me this article. It made me feel good about myself as I read it, and I plan to use the lessons to change myself.
Thank you!
I was online this morning looking for self-growth journal prompts and came across this article. Very helpful for me, I am trying to work on not comparing myself to others, especially at my job where metrics are one of the only things that measure our success there. Thank you!
Great points you make ! I am 60 a d have wasted my life looking at everyone else and compairing myself to outhers . My dad used to tell me pick one person and try to be as good as him. God what was he thinking !!! I always think I am not as good as the rest.
I can’t be leave how much time I wasted. Thanks Bill…….
Great article! Most people sleep for about 28,800 seconds each day. Comparing yourself for one second out of remaining 57,600 is even more wasteful!
Thanks for sharing your experience and lessons from that.I know that compare kills but still many time I compare my self with others and that feeling makes me down. I feel less confident and more doubtful person. But your article helps me to get back to my original. I like to add one more thing that , being honest to yourself helps to avoid comparison. Kudos Joshua for this article. Keep smiling:)
Great article thanks! I just came from the golf course where constantly comparing golf scores kills a lot of enjoyment in people.
Thanks a lot!! That’s my life struggle
I had tears with each sentence you’ve wrote because I am continuously suffering from this especially I got accepted to study my speciality with people who are very talented
It feels like I hate my self very bad since I started studying with them
I hope I work using your advises
Thank you
I have been struggling with this and decided to get rid of this and happened to google how? Then came this article. I was smiling while reading and i am already feel a bit light and free. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for this article. I will use this to change my life.
As a single mom who has a son with learning disabilities I tried to home school him. I nearly went from an office to working from home and took less college classes as I returned to the university in senior level courses and now it been halted. I tried in my own strength to teach my son and it didn’t work. I stopped comparing him to others and it works. I embrace him for who he is and remind myself that I am a great mom no matter what struggles I face. This article made my day.
Yes less is more !
Massive respect madam!
The truth is I am not happy when I compare myself to others also I hide my abilities and talents. I taught that others are the best and me is worst. Thank you very much for this guide I really appreciate it. You know my heart doesn’t feel good when I compare myself to others but now I wanted to try this guide to became happy and to be more successful in life.
Thank you for this guide because I was enlightened.
Thank you so much. Your posts are consistently genuine, humble, clearly written with the intention merely to help others and share an antidote to a highly empty, materialistic life. How important it is to have examples like yourself out there, mirroring our real challenges and teaching us how to shift our paradigms and practices that lead to more authentic and fulfilling lives.
I’ve learned and grown because of your courageous insight. Thank you Mr. Becker.
This article is a bunch of useless platitudes and bs. Thanks for nothing.
I’m feeling exactly as described partially because lack self confidence & partially because at the age of 52 & having been employed since 1982 i still feel that i am not even on the bottom rung of the promotional ladder whilst all around me in work & outside of work i see all these younger people, some not much older than 21, with all there better qualifications & degrees going about there business in there smart suits etc. It really gets me down. For the record I did not do to well at School and this as certainly due in later years as a result of not being able to hear a word the teachers were saying due to all the noise of fellow classmates. I think i would have felty better about myself if i had achieved more at school & maybe obtained better exam results.
I’m really delightful for finding this article.. Came here because of my anxiety of my son who can’t walk by himself although he’s already 1 year and 3 months right now..
Actually I can manage my worry by telling my self that I don’t need to worry about him because it just a matter of time until he’s ready and no need to compare my son to others..
But all I need is more advices, real examples and some motivations to strengthen my opinion..
Well, I got them in your article..
Thanks..
I’m a phd student and recently I felt so upset because my research did’t went well, so as my life and my mental condition. I know I already gained many things, I get well paid from my school,my families and my husband loves me so much. But when I saw other friends who married to other guys more successful, live in a happier life in foreign countries, travel around the world, I get trapped to self-suspicious. I began to think through my personal history and try to find out why can’t I live a life like her ? I know this is bad so I find this article, thank you for pointing out the problem and providing the solutions. I already keep it on my phone and I will try.
Funny, I googled “how to not compare myself to others” and this was first and I noticed you said you had a twin. I do as well. Shes got the better personality, but I have the looks.
The comparing gets me into trouble at work all the time. Why does HE get to go to conferences and I dont. Why doesnt SHE have to do her job and I do (as I am a diligent hard worker), etc….So, I will read your blog and get your subscriptions. Hopefully, there is some way to stop this behavior.
Article is really amazing, it gave me relax and opened my eyes. Sometimes I compare my friend (male) with myself and feel jealous when another friend (girl) go with him for tea-break or general walk. I know iam not doing right, not thinking right, but sometimes I couldnt stop myself from comparing with him, why she is going with him, why they have become friends etc. What should I do??
Thank you very much for this article! <3
I have been really depressed because I compare my life to an ex boyfriend and separately an ex girlfriend, these individuals rejected my love and relationship within a one year period, in that same year I had an abortion. Now both of these people have kids and homes, I have a husband but never was able to conceive again and we live in a small apartment with no savings. I have felt suicidal and have given up on life it seems. I’m 48 years old and this mindset of comparison is ruining my drive and joy. I have not felt joy in 7 years. I feel bad for my husband who only deals with this shell of a person.