Relationships in our lives come and go.
Some relationships are long, some are short. Some are close, others not.
But to live is to be in relationship with others. Whether in business, family, school, or community, people always move in and out of our lives.
And sometimes, ending a relationship is the hardest part.
One approach that I have always found helpful to ending relationships (for any reason) graciously is what I call the “Never have to cross the street” philosophy.
Allow me to explain:
Ten years ago, we sold our house in Vermont and moved to Arizona.
We used a realtor for the sale, Garry.
Describing Garry as our realtor doesn’t really give our relationship justice. He and his wife were far more than realtors to Kim and me, they were friends.
Garry was an important man in my life. He is someone I look up to even today. He was one of the first people we talked to when arriving in Vermont. He helped us buy our home when we eventually moved there, he and his wife remained involved in our lives all six years, and he helped us again as we sold the home.
During the negotiations to sell our house, he offered me a word of advice that I have never, ever forgotten.
As is typically the case in a home sale, buyer and seller were negotiating over price and terms of the contract.
At one point, I remember asking Garry for advice, “How much should we be pushing for here? How much should I really be demanding of the other person? Does this seem fair?”
He replied, “Well, this is a negotiation and you can ask for anything you want. But my philosophy, for every business transaction, is that when it’s over, if I were to see the other party walking towards me on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t have to cross the street to avoid them.”
It was a simple sentence and a simple thought. And yet, the advice has shaped countless conversations and relationships for me ever since—not just in the sale of that house, but hopefully, in all my interactions (both business and personal), since then.
The phrase has often been repeated in my head, “Am I conducting myself in such a way, that I wouldn’t have to cross the street if I saw this person walking toward me on the sidewalk?”
It has provided a simple framework for not just the words that I use, the decisions that I make, but also the attitude and motivations behind them.
“When this relationship ends (whether it be business, friendship, or family), can I look this person in the eye confidently and have a friendly conversation?”
Relationships aren’t always easy. And not every relationship continues indefinitely. Nor is it necessarily healthy for every relationship to continue.
But my hope, is that in any relationship of mine that comes to an end, it will end in such a way that I never have to cross the street to avoid that person. There may be disagreements on how it ended or the compromises made, but when our conscience is clear, we can walk straight with our head held high.
I should note that I believe this philosophy on life can hold true with every relationship.
But business dealings, as in my example above, may be the easiest place to practice this principle—after all, we’re usually just talking about money.
It is when the relationships closest to us come to an end that we often hurt the most. And it is in those relationships, where the “never have to cross the street” principle may be the most difficult to practice: a divorce, an involved parent, a disgruntled family member, or a friend who turned their back on us.
In those cases, it is important to remember that you cannot control the other person and the decisions they are making. But you can always control the way you respond and the motives that guide you as the relationship ends.
And even in the most difficult of endings, you can act with honesty, integrity, and graciousness. And when you do, you’ll never have to be the one to cross the street.
Thank you for this. This was something I needed to hear. As I am walking away from my marriage of 22 years. The last 3 years has been verbally abusive and enough is enough.
Love this! Thank you! ❤️
Wow, this is some heavy stuff. Gonna be rolling this around my brain for awhile.
Excellent advice. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
One of the best pieces of advice ever. Thank you.
Im on tears while reading. This advise came to me at the right time. GOD Bless you you always inspired me. Whenever i feel down i only listen to your you tube or read your emails.
Thank yoi
Very helpful and suitable in these times. God bless
This advise will come in handy for me at this present moment.I am ending a 15 year friendship and I will end it with my head held high knowing I have put all I can possibly put into this friendship, but I hold no grudges against this person and I will definitely be able to have a conversation with them again if and when our paths should cross again.I wish them well on their journey in for the rest of their life.I love all your Great advise Joshua it has changed the way I look at life and keep writing ✍️ thank you ?
I love this advice – SO true and fitting and applicable to many situations. Some of your best writing, Joshua. Thank you. I just recently wrote a post about “Those Who Sojourn With Us” after the Lord had brought so many to my mind who have been a part of my life – those who were/are alive at the same time as me. It is quite a thing to think about.
I so need to remember this in my life. Thank you
This is a good thought process, but needs a big ol’ disclaimer at the top about not applying to abusive situations.
Very true, I was thinking that too. Cross the street if you need to and don’t feel bad about it!
I think it still applies to ending abusive relationships. I believe this because I ended an abusive marriage with this same idea in mind. I was direct and tough in the process of terminating it, but I didn’t play dirty or get ugly. I took care of myself and I’ve been firm about what I would allow and what I wouldn’t going forward. But I kept my integrity and I don’t have to cross the street (metaphorically or literally) because I didn’t do anything wrong.
Inspirational article to not burn your bridges on both ends. Excellent and thoughtful, well-said. I look forward to your upcoming book. Blessings to you and your family.
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One of the wisest things I’ve ever read.
Excellent advice! Thank you!
This is so profound. Thank you for sharing and it will be how I examine all my endings from the past, present and moving into the future.
What powerful and wise words to hold in my mind – thank you, Joshua.
This is the best advice to always remember, it’s so important in every relationship in life. Thank you so much!
When I opened this and read it this morning I knew God was directly involved. It came at the most perfect time. It reminded me that the decisions we make in every situation in life will remain with us for our entire life and will touch many lives other than just our own. Thank you for all of your posts. I read them all.
This is so on point! Excellent advice.
Thank you for this content! It has been a real inspiration to me, that I needed at this time.
Love this simple and clear picture to keep in mind in our dealings with others. Thank you!
Win-Win. We are all in this broken world together, let’s help each other get through this, rather than be the cause of someone else’s problems.
I love this; thank you. So wise. I had a few painful friendship endings in the last few years and I do feel I acted in integrity and kindness.
beautiful – thank you for sharing –
Ah, yes, I remember at the end of an awful date the guy said, “so, if we see one another on the street, will we say hello?”