Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from John P. Weiss.
When I was thirteen years old, my father suffered a heart attack in front of me and my mother. We were in the living room watching television and he said he didn’t feel well.
Emergency responders were called, followed by several intense hours at the hospital. Thankfully, Dad recovered, but not my boyhood sense of immortality. Life, I quickly learned, can change in an instant.
Fast forward 27 years and I’m holding my father’s hand in a dementia care facility. He is unconscious. The hospice nurse tells me that hearing is often the last sense to go. So I tell my father that I love him. That everyone in our family is fine. That if he’s tired, to rest.
He slipped away peacefully an hour later.
I made all the arrangements for my mother. We held a small memorial for family and friends. We reminisced, laughed, cried, and said our goodbyes.
The next day I drove to my parent’s house. My mother wanted to downsize her home and move closer to me, my wife, and son.
Dad was a packrat. The garage was filled to the gills, and the rest of the house was equally loaded with a lifetime of possessions. If Dad had met Marie Kondo, he’d have told her that all his stuff brings him joy.
Unfortunately, most of Dad’s stuff didn’t bring me joy. It took weeks of hard work to simplify, declutter, and unload everything. I found a consignment business that took most of the large furniture pieces. I gave away many of Dad’s tools and garage items. There were countless trips to the Goodwill and the local dump.
At the time, I was unfamiliar with minimalism, but the experience left a big impression. I knew I wanted a simpler, less cluttered life.
Don’t leave this burden to them
Margareta Magnusson published a slender book in 2018 titled “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.” Magnusson’s first encounter with
It’s an enormous task to declutter and organize after the death of a parent or loved one. As Magnusson points out, young families today lead busy lives. She notes:
“Do not ever imagine that anyone will wish—or be able—to schedule time off to take care of what you didn’t bother to take care of yourself. No matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them.”
Swedish death cleaning, Magnusson points out, is as much (or more) for you as for the people who come after. Doing so gives you the chance to find meaning and memory in your things. You’ll also feel a sense of lightness and peace.
If you don’t remember why a possession has meaning or why you kept it, it will be easier to part with. Sentimental items, letters, and photographs are often the hardest to deal with. Fortunately, they can be organized into albums or digitized.
The old barber shop
I went through hundreds of old photos after my father died. I tossed duplicates and pictures of people unfamiliar to my mother and I. The rest were reduced down to one small box, which we plan to digitize into a computer file. It can then be used with a digital photo frame, to enjoy all the pictures as they cycle through.
One of the photos I found in my Dad’s stuff was of the old, vintage barber shop in town where he got his hair cut. Dad used to take me there when I was a kid.
Dad’s barber was named Pat. He was a slender, short man and his small shop was always neat and tidy. Opening the door to his shop, you’d hear the dangling bell as it clanked against the glass.
Inside, there were three of those old barber chairs. You know, the ones with puffy seats, armrests, and those big, metal foot pedals.
Pat had combs suspended in jars filled with mystery blue liquid. There were various electric clippers, hot towels, a small TV (with the game on), and various sports magazines strewn about the waiting area.
After a haircut, Pat would liberally powder your face with a big, soft brush. Then, for the kids, he’d hand out Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
I thought Pat’s barber shop was cool, but I wasn’t old enough to appreciate what my Dad admired most about Pat.
The capacity to enjoy less
Dad once told me that Pat was the most down to earth, authentic, wise, well-adjusted man he knew. Pat loved people and conversation, and his work was the perfect forum for both.
My father was an administrative law judge, and his work was complicated and stressful. In fact, it’s what led to my Dad’s heart attack. Several other judges that Dad worked with suffered heart attacks as well.
Dad admired Pat because he led a simple, uncomplicated life. Even Pat’s home (where my father visited him once to help on a legal matter) was a small, neat, tidy house.
According to my Dad, Pat was far happier than most of the men Dad worked with. Pat had crafted a simple, uncomplicated life.
Despite Dad’s tendency to hoard stuff, he knew simplicity was a virtue. He once told me, “Do we own our things, or do our things own us?”
Perhaps Socrates, who my father admired, said it best:
“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”
Roses in our winter
What Swedish death cleaning taught me about life is that relationships and experiences are what matter, not the stuff we fill our homes and lives with.
Yes, some possessions enrich our lives, but the sweetest memories come from experiences with loved ones and friends.
As we approach the twilight of our lives, memories become important companions. As the author George Will once wrote:
“Memories are roses in our winter.”
Don’t wait until you are old and tired to simplify your life. Swedish death cleaning is not consigned to the elderly.
We can declutter and embrace minimalism at any age. Doing so will unburden you, allow more time for loved ones, and create an abundance of memories to cherish for a lifetime.
***
John P. Weiss is a fine artist, writer, and retired police chief. He blogs at JohnPWeiss.com about living a more artful life.
David Yeomans says
Thanks John.
I will turn 70 in a few weeks. While I am in good health and hope to be around for years to come, I am downsizing and living more simply.
When I retired, I moved to be closer to my family. I rented an apartment for a while and put most of my stuff in storage. Whenever I looked at the storage locker, I wondered why do I have all this stuff. Instead of doing the smart thing, I bought a house that would hold all my stuff. Soon realized that it was not right for me. Now I am back in a one BR apartment looking for a condo. But, this time there is no storage unit. I can look for a place that is right for me, not my stuff.
Janete Canteri says
I simply loved it.One of the best readings that I have read since I embraced Miniamalism – thirteen years. I have just noticed that I always was, am and will be a down to Earth person, and that makes me feel glad. Thanks for meaningful texts! :)
Mari R says
Due to my life long serious medical/physiological issues, I’ve been almost dead multiple times. I have no siblings, children, nieces, and nephews. I only have a few not-so-close friends.
I can’t imagine there’s any stronger motivation than the above to minimize my possessions.
So far I believe I’m in a right position in terms of uncluttered life, but who knows, I could learn more to be a better minimalist. Thank you for weekly reminders!
CJ says
I have been death cleaning for over 18 months. I’m still feeling burried. At times IF I knew HOW to give up, I would, I do not know HOW! I am a very strong Woman, being strong is a choice, not an option. I have been very ill, for a long time. I’m in physical therapy, that is my social life, & I tell myself this solitaty life is ok. My motto;
“We Do What We Must”
I have lost most of my friends, many have died, others just left, nobody asked if I was OK. I was having strokes. Even my best friend since age 12. At first, there was shick and it hurt, a LOT. Then i was angry, I thought, I hope the door DID hit you in the a@@ on the way out. Now, I tell myself that I do not care, & that is the truth thst zi tell myself. I have spent THOUSANDS to get help. I’m still not done! My Kids are busy, & I don’t want to burden them, I try very hard. When I see my kids, rarely, I don’t hear any positive words. I’m told “Can’t” when I tell them that I have a plan.
I refuse to let my illness define me.
This is the hardest part of my life.
My Identity has been stolen, that takes SO much time. I work day and night working on all this “stuff”, A kind word, empathy, or compassion, would go a long way.
I feel stuck, & I’m TRYING SO HARD. I have gotten rid of a lot already. 2 dumpsters, several trips to places that will take anything.
I am really NOT WELL. Is this how I want to spend precious time, that actually is physically painful, emotionally draining & very solitary. Looking for understanding & support.
That is why I am on this forum.
This is besutuful. I started a Charity, the name makes references to Roses. I see the world, La vie en Rose. I’m told I’m too kind, & that is now considered a fault! Thank you for sharing this.
It helped me very much. Back to the work of protecting my Identity, & my “new normal”
La vie en Rose
Ann C says
I wish we lived closer, I would love to help. I’m much better at tossing other people’s things, than my own. But getting really good at that too. Lost my husband 17 years ago & had to sort and give his adult children his stuff, which was fine. Then my first husband died and left me a houseful to get rid of. And now my parents have passed, leaving me their home & contents! Slowly I am now down to just my belongings & some of my mother’s antique furniture. I know my daughter & her daughters want none of it so the process continues. Hang in there, and know you aren’t alone even in the loneliest moments.
Kapil says
Wonderfully written and the most amusing part was where he says ” if dad met Marie Kondo he would have said all his stuff brings him joy”… Haha The nonessentials need to go as and when they are identified.
Katia Cooper says
I was thinking the same thing. Ha ha thanks for mentioning it.
Linda Murdock says
I’ve been thru this several times. When we moved my parents to another town to be closer to us — they’d been in the same house 40 years and were pack-rats. Then when my Dad died, we did it again. We moved Mom into assisted living a few years after that — and that was the hardest. She had Alzheimer’s but, man, she remembered the “stuff” she had — some of it from her childhood that she no longer had. She passed and once again, we had to get rid of her belongings. Then, 9 years ago, my husband died. I got rid of some stuff but mostly I shoved it in his office and pulled the door shut. Now, I’m ready to deal with his stuff AND mine. I don’t want my step-kids going thru all my junk so I’m downsizing. I have gone thru my husband’s books. Tossed 2 96-gallon bins of old books. Donated 16 boxes of books to a church, donated the remaining (about 6 boxes) to Goodwill. Next is MY books. That’s just a start. I owe most of this to Joshua Becker because he was the first minimalist I stumbled across and he remains my favorite. I have a LONG way to go but for the first time, I’m actually looking forward to it!! Thank you, Joshua Becker. I appreciate you and your work!
Ann C says
Most libraries will take “in good condition” books to either put on their shelves or sell for money for new books.
Angela says
I asked my local library if they would take some new, read once books, both popular fiction and factual and they said, they no longer have the staff needed to catalogue and sort them so they cannot take them. They went to the charity shop instead but it’s a shame.
Linda Harding says
I am a creative person who loves to build, design crafts, repurpose old vintage items and small pieces of furniture. I am also a dairy farmer, who helps at barn, does alot of cooking for family, and I maintain my own house, extensive flower beds, and always have alot on my plate with five granddaughters! I am totally overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Everywhere I look is a mess: my garage, basement, and all storage areas. I am not exactly a hoarder, but tend to keep or pick up items to redo and resell, and craft supplies galore. Always think I’ll get to work, but never have time, or can’t find what I have been saving when I need it! Help. ?
Amy says
Linda, you can do this!! Don’t get discouraged. Enjoy reading and rereading all of the great info and inspiration Joshua has for us on this website :)
I made a deal with myself not to buy or pick up any more craft/quilt stuff but to finish all the UFOs, it’s been amazing to see the stuff I’ve been able to complete or realize I’m just not interested in finishing. Ha ha! It is weight off of my shoulders. And just think of how well you’ll be able to focus on your projects after you’ve scaled back to what is most important or even only one job at a time.
Joshua’s last Weekend Reads youtube video has great suggestions on how to make time for minimizing and focusing on what’s important to us.
Don’t give up- it’s taken you a lifetime to collect all your stuff, you won’t get this done overnight, it’s a total mindset and lifestyle change. I’m rooting for ya!
Lori Woodward says
Amy, I’ve read Joshua’s book and read weekend reads as well. I’m in a similar place with more hobby stuff than one person can accomplish.
My nusband and I are preparing to downsize and I decided to keep about 10% of my UFOs and focus on my artwork only so I have free time for relationships and fun experiences.
I gave away my sewing and knitting supplies, knowing that I can always buy more in the future if I decide that’s an important part of my life, but I bet I’ll just continue to focus on my art. I’ve felt a nagging obligation to stuff I bought to work on, but once I gave it away to someone who would use it right away, I felt like a tremendous burden had been lifted. Now I have more time to read blogs like John’s without feeling guilty.
Angela says
Linda, I so agree with Amy as I’ve just been doing this. I’ve got lots of unfinished sewing, embroidery, quilting items that have overwhelmed me so I decided to cut up some and reuse, some I’m never going to finish so I’m giving them away to people who will, (I’ve asked first and they are delighted). Some are just going to the charity shop where the fabric will be recycled. They don’t spark joy anymore, in fact they spark uncomfortable thoughts of failure and upset as they just clutter my life. None of them are making it into my newly made sewing nook. It feels great now I’ve made this decision. I’m also on a non-buying diet and have been for 6 months. Nothing will be bought until I’ve either used most of my fabrics or threads or got rid of ones I’m never going to use.
Mari R says
I’m a (not so avid) quilter & crocheter, and own twenty bins of materials. I don’t encourage people to overpurchase yarns and fabrics, but these materials are fairly easy to find someone who wants when you have an excess. Other than individuals, senior center or home, library craft classes usually happily accept nice materials.
Over the years I figured out what kinds of possessions cause trouble and headache to others when you are gone. They are the things no one wants or use, like school textbooks, kids projects, VHS/DVDs, non valuable collectibles, broken gadgets, outdated outfits, and worst of all, unsorted photos, letters and paperworks.
Sheila Keeler says
Linda, Before my husband and I recently moved and my stash of fabric was “impressive” ? Not to mention other craft supplies. I had a realistic conversation with myself and said, “You are so busy with many other things, when?! do you think you’ll create everything you bought stuff for?” So……I donated a lot of nice quilting fabric to a lady who teaches immigrant ladies to make quilts, a bunch of patriotic and red, white, blue fabric to a quilt guild who makes Quilts of Valor, and more fabric to a local 4-H group who wanted to start teaching sewing projects. Even after all that I *still* had a tote full of baby flannel and other quilt fabrics which got donated to a parish quilt group in our new home who make receiving blankets for newborns and blankets for our homeless population.
I also had an abundance of floral supplies, etc. Later this year I plan to offer a multi project craft weekend at my church, using up most of the supplies. The proceeds will be going to a charitable organization that helps folks in tough situations. It might take one person years to use them up but for a class full of eager students, one afternoon!
You can share your knowledge and creativity with your granddaughters and their friends or local library by offering to hold a class and use your “treasures” as projects. My library did “Pinterest ” type summer workshop with a group of kids and then showcased them at the library.
Good luck! With a mind as active and creative as yours, I’m sure you will be able to bless may people.
Annie says
My siblings and I are dealing with this right now at my mom’s house. We had offered to help her clean out for years but she refused help thinking we would have just thrown everything out which was not true. Now we are tasked with a massive cleanup and it’s really sad how she let herself live with all this stuff that was stressing her out when she could have just let go. As we watched her struggle with it we each realized how much of our stuff was not really important to us and we minimized our homes. Now there are very, very few items of hers we are keeping unless it is a truly useful or a cherished piece.
Please think about leaving your loved ones a legacy of good memories and love instead of a bunch of stuff they will have to lug to the donation or recycling bins before you make your next purchase or decide to keep something “just in case.” Not to disparage my mom, she did leave us with countless good memories and so much more love than I have words for, but she also left us an unnecessary herculean task we never wanted.
Queen of Putrescence says
Everything in here rings true for me!
I have never been sentimental regarding many items so I was never hanging on to a large amount of “stuff”. But three years ago, my Mom was diagnosed with dementia and we moved her to an assisted living facility closer to us. But Mom had a 3000 square foot house and even though my Dad passed away ten years earlier, the only items she had gotten rid of that belonged to him was his clothing.
Paring down her belongings to what could fit into her new apartment was an overwhelming process. A full moving truck went to charity and another full moving truck came to her new location. Over several months, we got rid of half of those items.
Since then I have gotten rid of over half my belongings (my husband has gotten rid of a lot also). Although only in my mid-40’s, I do not want my children to have to go through what I did. I discovered in the process that as the number of belongings went down, so did my stress level. Even after three years of doing this, I still occasionally spot items that I no longer need. I love getting rid of stuff!
Amy says
This happened to me too! After my mother passed I really realized my own mortality and how much the burden of my stuff will be on my husband and children when I pass. Thank you for sharing!
Chris E says
I, too, went through this same scenerio when my parents died. My father died and then 1-1/2 years later my mother died. She had gotten rid of his clothes but nothing else. They both grew up during the depression so I think that lack of things made them want to hang on to possessions when they could. It was painful clearing out their things and I swore that I would not put my children through that. Our relationships are what count, not what we own.
Ana says
I think it’s a gift to our loved ones to remove that burden and guilt of decluttering. My parents have slowly been giving away things to family members so we have what’s important. I thought it was sad they were doing that but I see now that they’re lightening up their lives and happier for it.