Note: This is a guest post from Melissa of Melissa Camara Wilkins.
“How are you?”
How many times do you hear that every week? We all know not to answer “fine.” Fine isn’t a thoughtful answer. Fine means we didn’t think about the question.
Instead we have another default answer, don’t we? We’re busy. We’re all busy. How are you? Busy.
It’s true, so many of us are busy. Even as we try to simplify our homes, our calendars have a tendency to stay packed full.
When we start eliminating the extra stuff from our houses, we find new pockets of free time—the time we would have spent taking care of all that stuff. You’d think, then, that we would have plenty of open space in our schedules.
But there are so many options competing for those extra minutes that we can keep adding to our calendars until there’s no time left. We’re busy.
Sometimes being busy feels good, and sometimes keeping busy makes us feel important. But you are valuable because of who you were made to be, not because of the activities you do. Your worth does not depend on your busyness. You can do fewer things, even if the things on your calendar are all good things.
And the things we keep busy with often are good things. There’s volunteering, there’s being a friend, there’s work. There’s regular old household chores. And if you have kids, there’s sports, scouts, classes, clubs, and lessons, enough to fill every minute of the day, and it seems like everyone else is doing them all, so it must be possible.
We stop asking each other: How are you? And we start asking: How do you do it all?
The most important way to think about that question doesn’t have anything to do with your process. The best answer to that question has to do with your purpose.
You don’t have to do it all. You can quiet your schedule. You can choose mindfully.
Focus on purpose over process.
Instead of asking: How do I do it all?
Start asking questions like: Why am I choosing this? Does this feed my family or nourish my soul? Was I made for this?
If your schedule lines up with your purpose, wonderful! Keep doing what you’re doing, and keep asking for help when you need it.
But if you weren’t made for this—whatever this is that’s filling your schedule—stop.
Let go of activities that aren’t a good fit for you or your family. Let go of activities that might be great, but are too much for this season. There will be other seasons. Let go of activities that everyone else is doing. You aren’t everyone else. You were made to be you, on purpose.
You can focus on what’s right for you. Do what fits your personality, your passions, your purpose, your values, your family. Do more of that, and less of everything else.
It’s hard to be the person you want to be if your days leave no room for contemplating who that person even is. (tweet that)
Let go, and you’ll find more space to be yourself.
A minimized schedule can have maximum impact.
When you don’t do it all:
– You need less stuff.
Every activity comes with its own clothes or shoes or tools or toys. If you eliminate the activities that aren’t best for you, you won’t need all the props to prop up a lifestyle you don’t even want.
– You relieve pressure.
With fewer activities, there’s less stress on your calendar and your budget. You have less worry about carpools, traffic, and arrival times. You relieve that feeling of living through over-full, overcomplicated days.
– You have more time for your soul to breathe.
More free time means more space for stillness and contemplation. It means more space for dreams and growth. It means more time for listening and reflecting.
When there’s open space in your calendar, there’s more room in your heart for considering your place in the world, for thinking about who you are and how you intend to live.
Kids with more free time get to practice using their imaginations, and really, so do we adults.
Enough busyness.
Live out your purpose. Live your values. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to be yourself, and do what you were made to do.
***
Melissa Camara Wilkins writes a beautiful blog for unconventional souls who want to live differently, think differently, and see the world a little differently. Her book, DO YOUR THING: How to Find Time to Do What Matters, is free for you today.
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I so agree with this sentiment. I get tired of people who keep saying how busy they are. With the virus restrictions, I actually started to enjoy doing less (and got many overdue house projects done). I am now looking at what I fill up my time doing and will decide what is most beneficial/rewarding to me and my family.
I do a number of volunteer jobs, where I now realise my personality/skills are not the best match in at least one of these roles. I kept thinking it was important to be always busy after retiring from paid work. With each role, there may be emails, facebook, slack posts etc. to attend to. It all adds up.
Even with my investments, I want to simplify things. Having say a maximum of 3 diversified investments.
Less is definitely more. Spend a quality day with a friend for example.
Great tips! I try to organise everything as much as possible so I can have more time to just live in the moment.
Thank you for this article! It is like a heaven-sent confirmation of a presentation I am giving in a couple of days about decluttering our stuff, distractions, and schedules to make room for our highest priorities and dreams. So much of what you wrote is embedded in my talk; it helps me to breathe easier, knowing I am on the right track. Thanks again!
I agree with this wholeheartedly, but I think it’s not really possible to do this unless you’re like… middle class or above.
For me, I’m in college taking 23 engineering credits, working part time, supporting my mom. Why? Because poverty creates necessity.
Am I busy? Yes. Do I wish every day I could slow down and do something I enjoy for once (I hate engineering, but it pays)? Of course!
I guarantee someone working at McDonald’s because they have no other skill has very little say about their work hours.
Having the time to do what you want, and having the option of ‘saying no’ to other people is a luxury and a privilege of those who are well-off enough that they won’t be homeless because of it.
I notice people ask me “How are you?…. ….. Busy”. Or just plain old “Busy today?” I just say “no” and they don’t know what to say or think I am boring maybe.
Easier said than done when the only things you do, in my case, is study and study and study at uni. Weekends I work all day. There is hardly any time left for the things I love, and none at all for the things I don’t. I know that the more I declutter hopefully the less I will spend time on household chores (which seem to arise every time i finish something else). But uni is taking up every spare minute of my days and there is unfortunately no way to cut down on that ;)
Well said Melissa! Thich Naht Hahn teaches a “Pebble Meditation”. The last part of the four parts goers like this, “I am space and I am free.” I have been doing this twice daily. At first it had little meaning to me but now I realize how freeing space can be.
Great post Melissa
Thanks for the post Melissa. It made me stop and think for a while. I am one of those people who are always busy, busy, busy….Time to make some amendments :) Regards
I know it would be very silly not to plan, we all have to do that, but i am learning to list 3-4 things to do each day and no more, taking each day as it comes, prioritising and doing the essential and let go of the rest, not having clutter and keeping things simple really helps, i think it is a fact of life we can,t have it all, or it will have you, let go of things that weigh us down, thanks for a great post
love Jacqueline
Great post. I have trouble saying no often – not just to commitments, but to projects. As a result I often take on too much and get nothing actually done. Cutting down on both should help focus on what’s important.
But another dichotomy that is a bit of a tightrope is saying “no” more often to focus your time vs. saying “yes” more often to open yourself up to the possibility of new experiences. I definitely feel a bit of FOMO sometimes when saying no to things. How do you best choose which invites and events get the “no”/minimalist treatment, and which get the “yes”/”why not?”/new experiences treatment?
Oh, this is timely. I’ve just received a call for people to host Art/Craft booths and I really want to do it. My instinct is to yell yes, but after thoughtful contemplation, I don’t want to abandon the projects I’m working on right now to prepare for this. I want to finish what I’ve already started more than I want this.
With only slight wistfulness, I’m letting it slide by.
Ah, “after thoughtful contemplation” — I love that. That’s the hardest part for me: remembering not to leap to an answer, but to give myself time to listen first. Sometimes it really is a choice between “good” and “best” (or at least best for us, or best for now)!
It’s because of your article that I took the time to think before acting!
Thanks!
Hey Melissa – absolutely right – busy has become the new badge of honor – There’s more to life than speeding it up as Gandhi said I believe
Yes, when we speed life up, I think we miss quite a lot along the way.
As I read this article and many of the comments, I kept thinking of the advice of Socrates: “Beware the barrenness of a busy life”.
It does seem that busyness can drive out other, more life-giving options, doesn’t it?
I’ve been working on breaking the busy cycle myself. I once was a workaholic. 70-80 hour workweeks were the norm for far too long. Thankfully I finally reached a breaking point and made myself a priority. Money can open a lot of doors, but who wants to be there when the road getting there makes you miserable and worn out? We all need to take better care of ourselves and learn to love and appreciate who we are. I now have time to do the things that truly make me happy. :-)
That’s wonderful, Karen. Open doors don’t help much if we don’t have the time and energy to appreciate what’s on the other side.
Love this, Melissa! And agree! The motto in our house about additional commitments is: if it isn’t a HECK YES, it’s a no. Now, as you say, to always remember that in the moment… there’s the rub, er, the opportunity to practice. ;)
I’m with you on that, Megan–HECK YES or no thanks! Cluttering our schedules and our minds just isn’t worth it if it’s not big yes. I’m always practicing, too. :)
“Your worth does not depend on your busyness.”
I loved this quote. In today’s age, people always want to feel busy. People might even feel pressured to feel busy because if you’re not, society might think you’re lazy.
However, like you mention in this article, we should eliminate the activities and obligations that don’t really serve us. We should have time not only for the things we love but also just to have time to do nothing. To just live, breathe, and enjoy the bliss of free time.
Sometimes it looks like “busy” and “lazy” are our only options, doesn’t it? But you’re right, there’s a path between them, and I think that’s where our healthiest options really lie.
I saw my busy 3-day weekend be an old habit of house remodeling. Did I want a new front door? Yes. Did I want it to be 3 long grueling hot days to accomplish it? No. My husband and I realized it is habitual, not conscious. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. Now that the weekend is over, we think of all the relaxing things we could have done for ourselves if we had not been so busy with a huge project! Next weekend? NO PROJECTS!
An entirely free weekend sounds lovely!
That question of what we do habitually vs. what we choose consciously is such an interesting one. I’m always uncovering more habitual stuff to examine. Sometimes it’s a habit for a good reason, and other times it’s just something I’ve fallen into and need to intentionally address.
Melissa, this is spot on!
People tend to focus on the “minimal” part of being a minimalist, when in reality it’s about doing more. The hard part is, as you said, giving ourselves the space to find what is important in life and what isn’t.
I’m always trying to give myself more of that space but find it’s really hard with so much noise and distractions in our lives! It’s a work in progress but i’m enjoying the journey so far.
Thanks for the advice, we all need a reminder to simply do less.
Thank you, Jorge! It’s a work in progress for me, too, and I think it probably always will be.
I think in a lot of ways, minimalism is about making our choices with more intention. How we spend our money, how we spend our time, which things we keep around us. I don’t want to have zero things, but I do want to eliminate the unimportant so I can focus on the essential.
Absolutely great stuff here! I’m really focusing on that this month. I’m not saying yes to commitments unless I’m absolutely sure. The though of having a nice, calm, peaceful month/year is way more appealing than saying yes to something and regretting that decision when it comes time for the event.
Thanks, Tonya! It sounds like you are clearing space for a peaceful, intentional (ahem, wonderful) month!
Sometimes I worry that if I default to “no,” I’ll get stuck in my own comfort zone. I don’t think that’s the case, though. I find that when I don’t default to “yes,” I have more space to say yes to the unpredictable-but-right-for-me kinds of things that come along. Phew!
Hi Melissa,
Awesome thought-provoking post!
Most of the time, busy does not mean productive. Being busy makes us feel like we’re VIPs, but sometimes we are busy but not achieving quality results or not getting where we really want to be.
Luna
I think you’re right, Luna. Really making a difference in our families, communities, and projects takes a thoughtful investment of time and energy, not just spinning our wheels faster and faster.
Great post!! I agree, busyness can be sometimes worn like a badge of pride or something that makes you feel more important. When in reality, it’s actually taking away from everything that’s truly important.
I’ve been really trying to simplify and minimize my schedule lately and find myself so much less stressed and happy as a result :)
Thanks, Christina!
I think it takes as much energy to try to feel important as it does to do what matters a lot of the time. I’d rather have spent my time on the latter, of course, but honestly, choosing wisely is an ongoing practice. Isn’t it always? :)
I started answering that question with, “Better than ever!” Most people expect , “Fine.”
People then want to know why which is a great lead into answering fewer things, fewer commitments, and fewer to-do lists.
I love this, Rebecca. If I asked how you were, I would appreciate hearing about what’s been changing in your life!
This post hits home with me. I learned how to say no when I became sick for 4 years. I am better now in many ways than before the illness. So something good came out of something bad. It taught me what is truly important in life and I learned how to listen to me, enjoy life more, say no, and not stress out.My life is so much more fulfilling and has more meaning because I let go of many things and people that did not deserve my precious time.
“I am better now in many ways.” What a beautiful perspective, Tana.
I find that I have to keep regularly revisiting those practices–listening to myself, saying no, letting go–but I find the results more fulfilling, as you say.
Melissa, such great words. I love this:
“A minimized schedule can have maximum impact.”
If only I could apply those words of wisdom more than I do. I remember something that John Ortberg once said in a message — “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”
Thanks, Brian! “Ruthlessly eliminate hurry” — that phrase hits home for me. I think a lot of the time, the need for hurry is all in my head. I have to practice remembering that my days are not better if I rush through them, and that life will unfold at its own pace regardless.
I read something recently that really struck me about doing less: when you do less, you give others the opportunity to participate. I had never thought of doing less as a means of opening up access to others, but it makes so much sense. When we do simply what we are called to do, then others have the freedom and space to do the same. Loved this post!
Yes! I’ve seen this in my own life, too. When I step back, someone else can step up to their calling, and I can focus on my own. It takes a certain confidence, I think, to admit that we’re not the best person for a job. (That part, I am still working on.) ;)
“You were made to be you, on purpose” NICE! Simple but powerful for me.
Thank you, Tony. I’m glad it resonates with you.
This really hits home. Sometimes I think that the more I have on my plate, the less I prioritize. Everything seems to need immediate action and I chase more problems into more rabbit holes. Thanks – will pin, try to heed and re read.
The more I have on my plate, the more urgent everything seems to be to me, too, Louise. I wonder if part of the sense of urgency (for me, at least) is simply needing to have fewer things on the to-do list, no matter which things get crossed off!
The longer the list the more frantic I feel too. I now use routines and the rhythm of the day a lot more to manage my day-to-day activities, and restrict my to-list to the few essential things that much get done. On average, I think I do about the same amount of stuff, but it I do it with a different mindset and it FEELS very different.
We also have crunch times now and again, whether by design or circumstance. I’ve found that by bringing a slow mindset to how I approach these times I can get through them without feeling as derailed and depleted. I share by tricks for keeping things slow when I am busy here – https://moretimethanmoney.co.nz/2016/12/16/how-to-slow-down-when-youre-busy/
It’s so hard to say no to people. Especially in Toronto during the summertime, there are so many activities, and events going on, that I want to say yes to. But then I realize that the only thing I really want to do is sit on the grass in a park and read a book all day. To say no to all the other things that are pulling me, and being true to what I want to do with my day is so hard. The fear of missing out (FOMO) hits me hard sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself, that I’m doing something that feeds my soul, even if it means I have to upset the other people in my life.
FOMO is killer for me, too. I find the same thing you do, that I have to remind myself how important nourishing my spirit is — but when I do, I’m always glad.
I think part of people responding to that question with the word “busy” is we don’t know what else to say. Its a quickie conversation. I feel like I need the right word. I have also had people say (acquaintances) “how are you? Busy?”
Its that conversation starter where this comes in.
I’m very mindful of the word busy but I want a better word or response to this question.
I hear you about wanting to give a quick answer, Joanna. Hmm. It’s an interesting question. On the listening side, I always appreciate deeper answers, even if they take a little longer. What do you think about answering with how you’re feeling, or what this season has been like for you? Or sharing what you’re working on or what you’re looking forward to? If I asked how you were doing, I would love to hear any of those kinds of answers, even if I only had a minute or two to listen. What do you think?
I enjoy telling two or three people how I’m really doing, but for all other 20 people at church who ask, I’m not comfortable being totally open. If I am overwhelmed and don’t want to explain, I answer, “I’m having a week of grace!” With a bright smile. They always chuckle, like they don’t really know what I mean, which is OK. It’s not everyone’s business to know I had to replace bad flooring, am battling insomnia/pms/bad-attitude/exhaustion, and had sick kids, all while my husband was out of town. It puts a burden on the person who asked, and honestly neither they nor I have time and energy for the conversation. For my closest friends who are able to roll up their sleeves, however, they can put on some work gloves and hand me tissues while we work and talk it out. Listening is both a lost art and not enough. People need to listen and act on what they hear.
Well said. Like your answer. People ask out of politeness. They really don’t want to take the time to hear the answer. Your reply is thought provoking.
I agree that it’s just a quick conversation answer when you know the person doesn’t really have time or want to hear everything going on. I’m pondering other words. If you’re busy and productive, you could smile and say, “I’m feeling productive!” and then move the conversation on to them. I like to say my days are full – in a positive way because I spend my days with my children, and that is good. I’ll be thinking of other ways to answer.
Indeed! For me, simplifying isn’t only about stuff, it’s also about life. It’s about putting aside that which doesn’t I don’t love, and eliminating the things that don’t inspire or build us. Life is too short to spend it busy, so we strive to spend it doing what we are passionate about (and make sure we have plenty of time to figure out where our true passions lie).
I’ve been writing about our simplification efforts (decluttering our home, our schedule, and a bunch of other related thinga) each Saturday on my blog. And each week, I feel like I can breathe a little bit deeper.
Thank you for sharing.
“It’s also about life.”
I completely agree, Kariane. It’s not just about stuff or schedules or tidiness, it’s about how we want to engage with the world around us. It’s about how we want to invest our selves. Deep breaths. Ahh.
Great post! :) It’s been a tad bit busy around here…3 graduation parties, two baby showers and 2 weddings!!!$$$ But I definitely try to keep my schedule clear of unnecessary errands and such. I’ve recently de-cluttered BIG TIME…and yes, it has made housework a lot easier. With my extra time, I plan to paint and remove some pictures from the walls as I go along. I just need the courage to get started. I can’t afford to hire-out…so it’s all me!!!
Getting started is always the hard part, isn’t it? I try to remember how good it will feel to be done, but the getting there part is still tough. ;)
Congratulations on all the celebratory news that this season has brought! Grads and babies and families, how wonderful.