There are any number of compliments I would like said at my funeral, “He was faithful, humble, godly, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, generous… and the list could easily continue.”
But there is one compliment, maybe more than any of the others, I hope will be said of me:
He was the same person at home as he was in public.
In some regards, I can think of no higher praise to offer a person. It encompasses many of the adjectives above, but adds an added element: That was his true self—both in public when people were watching, and at home when no one was watching.
My grandfather passed away last December at the age of 99. He was a pastor to many his entire life. At his funeral, my mom offered these words, “I want you to know that my father was the same man at home as he was in public.”
It was her desire for everyone to know something they could never know. My grandfather was the same loving man when he got home in the evening as he was in front of the church on Sunday. He didn’t just pretend to be faithful, kind, and compassionate, that is who he was.
And I can think of no greater, more encompassing praise.
Consider this:
That compliment presupposes that you lived a life worthy of compliment.
That compliment communicates that you represented yourself honestly in public.
And it communicates that you remained true to your character throughout your entire life—to the very end.
Oh, I suppose it’s possible to try and hide your faults from your spouse and children, but there is only so much you can hide and only for so long. The life you live in secret will eventually be made known. And usually, unfortunately, it is your family who will see it first.
We work so hard to keep up our public image. And it is certainly possible to portray a fake life in the public eye. But when you get home at the end of the day, and spend time with the people you are around the most, your true colors begin to come through. How many celebrities have been exposed for their true self by the way they conduct themselves at home?
To be the same person at home as you publicly portray to others is a consistency not everyone achieves.
Ironically, it is at home, with the people we love the most that we should be at our very best. But that is, unfortunately, not always the case.
So how do we achieve this compliment?
It seems to me there is only one way: You live an exemplary life in both public and private, and you continue it until the very end.
Maybe that’s the reason it is the compliment I most want said at my funeral. It can only be achieved by becoming the person I want to be.
If you are familiar with Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” you have dared greatly and shown to many what being vulnerable can achieve both personally and within our communities and the world.
Death of a loved one is so painful. I can empathize and offer my sincere condolences. Thank you for being brave and taking the emotional risk in sharing such a personal part of your grief journey. I now see and can express in another way how blessed I am with those whom I surround myself. They are solidly good, generous and loving both in private and in public. Forgiving of imperfections and authentic.
My gratitude and sympathies are with you today.
Your passion comes through in all your writings – keep it flowing!!
100 hugs going out to you. I was caretaker to both my mom and dad in their old age. I spoke with a sharp voice a few times, the words were kind, but the way I said them was not. Perhaps sleep deprivation, perhaps just my imperfect me. The PHD life course you are enrolled in right now will build your character in ways that can not be obtained in any other way. It’s hard. And its not perfect. But you will be amazed at the emotional stamina and compassion that you have built during this phase of life. You can’t “learn” it in books or webinars. You have to live it.
Make sure to get breaks and a little time to yourself. Ask for help when you need it. More love and hugs.
My deepest sympathies to you and your family.❤️ My Dad died in August last year at 93 y/o, your words describe my Dad too. Thank You for being ‘your true self’.
Joshua I truly love reading your posts. Thank you!
My condolences on the loss of your grandfather. Sounds like he lived a good life and a long life.
Grandson is on track for a great funeral too!
I wish the world was filled with more people like you Joshua, and indeed my very own small world. Thank you.
Love your blog, full of wisdom of how to live a meaningful life
Add one more adjective to your epitaph Joshua, Philosopher. You continually give me delicious food for thought. My grandfather was abusive to my grandmother, but was a sweetheart to everyone else. She always called him Street Angel, House Devil. I am going to take your wish as my own…. I am caretaker to my husband who is in Stage 5 Parkinson’s and is confined to a wheelchair. It is my fondest desire to be kind and compassionate to him. Unfortunately I lose my patience sometimes, but I am praying and visualizing and working on this to keep an even keel and kindness, always. He is suffering so much. My friends and family call me an angel, and then I think of those times when I lose my patience…. Lord help me! I love your posts…. SOOOOO MUCH! You help me to be a better person!
My thoughts are with you, my Dad died of Parkinson’s, I was his Caregiver til the end in August 2021. It’s hard for both of you, I cried so many times by myself. The Lord gives us only what we can handle……you and I earned our seats in Heaven?
Beautifully said. I want to live a simple life that is pleasing to our God so He can say, “well done my good and faithful servant”.
Absolutely beautiful! This is so very thought provoking and resonates within me very much. Thank you Joshua.