This is a guest post from Rachelle Crawford of Abundant Life With Less.
While my husband and I have many things in common, such as our ability to relate absolutely every situation in life back to an episode of Seinfeld, we are really very different people. I dream of living the expat life, while he’s quite satisfied sticking close to home. I tend to be rather impulsive, while he’s much more strategic. He can tidy a room in a matter of minutes, while I tend to wander aimlessly from corner to corner like a distracted, lost puppy looking for a snack. Ooh, Cheez-Its.
This is why it came as a big surprise when we both took to minimalism within just a few weeks of each other. Over three years ago, I went minimalist in one uncharacteristically decisive move, and immediately gutted my wardrobe in an afternoon. When my husband arrived home from work that day, I paraded him around our bedroom, showing off my heaping donation piles as if I were sharing with him what he’d won as a contestant on the Price is Right. “Look at all this stuff we don’t actually need?”
He was skeptical at first, but within just a couple weeks, he too dove in headfirst and somehow managed to eliminate even more clothing than I did. It was a month of surprises for both of us.
His jaw dropped when I, the typically “spendier” of the two of us, implemented a strict family spending freeze. And I almost fainted, watching as he added his old high school polo shirts to our donation pile. Yeah, that’s right, I said high school. Both of us looking at the other in shock, thinking to ourselves, “Who are you? And what have you done with the person I married?!”
Here’s the thing though. While yes, we both got on board with minimalism almost simultaneously, we didn’t always agree on what should be considered “clutter.” In fact, to this day, we still don’t always agree.
Take for example, our armoire-vintage coffee mug standoff.
In our bedroom we have an enormous armoire. Regardless of the fact that it’s well over half empty, we’re likely never, ever, ever going to get rid of this monstrosity. Trust me, I’ve tried. But for reasons I find ridiculous, my husband insists we keep it. I hate that armoire.
Now, if you head into our kitchen, and open the cabinet above our coffee maker, you’ll find a relatively small collection of adorable, eclectic coffee mugs. Now, it’s important I point out that if this article were written by my husband, that last line would have read, “… you’ll find an abundance of the most horrendously gaudy, mismatched coffee mugs on the planet.” He’d prefer we ditch most of those mugs, but for reasons my husband finds ridiculous, I insist we keep them. My husband hates those coffee mugs.
If you’re sharing a space, getting your partner on board may feel like the holy grail of becoming a minimalist. It’s easy to assume that once you turn that corner, you’ll be set, and on your way to living clutter free, forever. Amen. But in my experience, that’s only just the beginning.
Yes, both of you working together toward the same goal is remarkably helpful. However, anyone who’s ever taken on even the smallest home improvement project knows the devil is in the details. You’re not going to always agree on the best way to get the job done.
Whether you’re considering minimalism, just getting started, or knee-deep in donation piles, here are 3 strategies to help you navigate the rough waters of decluttering with the person you love:
1. Choose Fewer Battles
Don’t swap your clutter for conflict. It’s just not worth it.
The people in your home are far more important than eliminating the excess stuff. The fewer battles you take on, the better. Minimalism won’t reduce the stress in your home if you’re constantly arguing about what should stay and what should go.
There are moments when I feel getting rid of that monstrosity of an armoire is a battle worth fighting, but it only takes a moment for me to remember, it’s just not worth it.
2. Circle Back
If there is an item, or more likely items, in your home you can’t agree whether to keep or donate, opt to set it aside and circle back later. Sometimes a little more experience living with less can help. Continue working through some of the simpler areas of your home, strengthening your decluttering muscles together. There’s rarely an item that needs to be eliminated emergently. That is assuming it isn’t leading to an infestation of some sort.
Drop the debate and keep making progress in the areas of your home you can agree on. Remember, this is about creating a space where your whole family can better thrive, and that often takes time, patience and a whole lot of a grace.
3. Move at a Pace You’re Both Comfortable With
My husband is a really fast walker. It’s not uncommon for him to turn around and find that he’s either twenty yards ahead of the rest of us or we’re all half jogging, and somewhat out of breath, trying to keep pace with him.
You can only journey as fast as the slowest member of your family. It didn’t matter if my husband made it to Space Mountain at Disney World in record time, when the rest of us were still working our way through the crowd. When it comes to decluttering your shared items, moving at a pace that works for both of you will reduce the number of conflicts and ensure you both have enough energy to keep moving forward.
Keep in mind, your partner may be entering into minimalism with slightly more hesitation than you are. Work together to find a sustainable pace you can both keep up with.
If Your Significant Other Is Anything but Minimalist
I’m very aware how lucky I am that my husband agreed to implement minimalism in our home as quickly as he did. That’s just not the case for everyone. In fact, the question of exactly how to get your significant other on board with minimalism comes up a lot.
I’ll tell you this, nothing I said got my husband on board. You’re never going to nag your loved one into a life of less. They first need to witness the benefits and decide for themselves. If this is something you really want to pursue, if you’re ready to eliminate the clutter in your home so that you can spend more time and energy on the things that matter most, it’s vital that you start with your own stuff first.
Don’t use your spouse’s disinterest as a scapegoat either. Leave your shared belongings alone for now and implement minimalist principles in the areas of your home unique to you. In time, don’t be surprised if you find they’re more drawn to your minimized areas within the home, than their cluttered ones. Simplicity can have that effect on people.
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Rachelle Crawford blogs at Abundant Life With Less where she documents and shares their major course change as a family into minimalism. You should also follow her on Instagram.
Yes, a healthy marriage is more important than minimalism and nagging will get us nowhere! My husband is no minimalist. He is a creative project guy who loves to fix things and build things, so it is hard for him to get rid of things that he might be able to use…and I wouldn’t want to change him at all! He says he feels more comfortable when the house is messy. I had to learn that this was OUR home, not MY home. The general agreement that worked for us is that the house is the “minimalist” space (since I do most of the housekeeping) and the garage and shed are his “cluttered” space. I also found that minimalizing my own things opened up plenty of extra space to have his things organized and put away inside the house.
I absolutely hate clutter and the look of nic-nacs all around the house. I don’t like cutesy things… I prefer to decorate with natural elements and I like space. As I decluttered my house—- I lead by example and my husband was soon onboard because he was proud of all the work I did. Asking him to get rid of his junk never worked. It only caused tension and made him want to hold onto his stuff all-the-more.
My wife and I are completely opposite- she seems to thrive on clutter and “dust-catchers”, I mean decorations, while I just want space and to be able to see our walls and furniture! It took 4 years and my insistence to get rid of what turned out to be a truckload of leftover garage sale stuff. My side of the bedroom has space while hers has piles…
I love her, but can’t understand why all this stuff has any value whatsoever. The house is unfit for entertaining, or just plain sitting around and relaxing. I hope I can bring up this difference in our preferences in one our counseling sessions without seeming like I am attacking her or just criticizing. She tends to get offended if I question anything she brings home. HELP!
Hi Doug! I just wrote recently about a similar topic and my best advice is to understand your wife’s reasoning style and appeal to that. Are you familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies? She talks about four personality types based upon how people deal with internal and external expectations and the impact on them changing their behavior. My husband is a Questioner. He wants to understand the facts/research behind something in order to be open to changing something. So my approach came from a place of clutter’s effect on my health and the health of our kids. Clutter causes cortisol levels to rise, increases anxiety, and can be visually overwhelming/overstimulating to adults and children. If I come at it from that standpoint and base it in my deepest concerns and why I want this for myself and our family, he’s willing to listen. I hope this helps! Good luck!
Thank you. You have no idea how timely this article is for me. I’ve been decluttering for years. This summer I went through more purging of stuff. Few weeks back I watched The Minimalist’s documentary on Netflix. Now reading everything I can on minimalism. Minimalism is new to me. So decluttering more. My husband freaked out a little yesterday. See I am an all or nothing person. I jump with both feet. My husband not at all. Change is not something he does fast. So guess my enthusiasm is scaring him. I’m excited and I want change. He likes to ease into things. Like a hot hot tub. Dip your toe in and slowly put more of yourself in. So guess I can keep reading on minimalism, learning and growing but ease up a little. Again thank you for your wisdom.
Rachelle Crawford, I loved your article. My husband and I are very different consumers. He wants everything and I want to get rid of half of what we have. We are approaching 60 and need to downsize. He’s happy with the abundance that we have. I’m slowly working on minimizing MY stuff in hopes he sees the beauty and not use it as a reason for him to fill the empty space with more stuff for him. It’s a process. One comment on the armour…I wonder if you used it in a different room for a different purpose, if you would be able to tolerate it more. Just a thought.
Lori, you are so sweet. That’s a great idea, however, it’s HUGE! I don’t think it would fit well in another place in our home. Besides, my husband is pretty convinced it needs to stay where it is. For now I’ll just have to glare at it while I sip coffee from one of my favorite vintage coffee mugs. :)
I really like this article. Thanks for sharing.
My husband and I don’t have any children. However, we have a whole bunch of stuff. Lol.
He likes to find reasons to keep stuff, while I love to get rid of things we don’t need. With the exception of books I really love to read and of course important papers.
It can be challenging agreeing to get rid of things, but this article is giving me hope. Thank you.
My husband has never been inspired by my decluttering efforts. Beyond the shared household stuff (furniture, pans, dishes), ninety percent of the things in the house are his. He thinks knickknacks are interesting and empty space is boring. We married later in life – I was in my 40s and he’d turned 50 and so I don’t see him changing (he’s now 60).
An example of our differing perspectives – a few years back we’d invited a couple over to our house for the first time. While I was tidying the living room, I noticed that he was covering the coffee table I’d just cleared with several books. My idea of getting ready for guests was putting things away; his thoughts went toward decorating the space.
I love him and so I’ve accepted that I’m I minimalist surrounded by stuff. Do I wish that I was an influence on him? Yes. Do I count on this happening any time soon? No.
Susan, I love how you say you’re a “minimalist surrounded by stuff.” Compromise doesn’t mean we have to totally give up what is important to us. We can love our people well while still pursuing simplicity in the many areas of our lives personal to us.
My husband doesn’t mind what I get rid of normally. However, when we got married, we bought a king size, solid oak, reproduction Victorian bedroom set. Double dresser, 2 end tables. Now, due to his health issues, we no longer sleep in the same room. How I would love to sell the set and get a simple queen bed for him. He won’t hear of it even though he only sleeps on half the bed, and we don’t need the dresser. Go figure!!
Wow!! This couldn’t have come at a better time! My son just moved home from school with SO MUCH STUFF!! lol It took me a year to minimize EVERY single item in my house and feels like I just returned to square 1!! Oh and a little tip regarding the clothing closet purge…..be sure to tell your partner BEFORE hand what you’re doing so they don’t think you are leaving and to expect divorce papers…I mean why else would all your clothes be missing!!
I really needed to hear this segment of getting your spouse on board!! I get deflated when I ask him to clear a space he has his belongings. This has given me hope! Thank You!!