“Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.”
—William Arthur Ward
For the past several weeks, I have been trying a little experiment. It has been quite life-transforming. And I recommend it to you. The experiment goes like this:
Include one compliment in every conversation.
It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.
The challenge did not start out for me as an intentional experiment. A few weeks ago, I was spending some time with a good friend—someone I look up to in many ways. During a break in the conversation, I mentioned some things I admire about him. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, it was actually long overdue.
His response surprised me. It was even more emotional than my original compliment. He lifted his head, looked me in the eye, and replied, “Thank you Joshua. I really needed to hear that today.”
I was reminded that many people are fighting difficult battles. We put on smiling faces, but deep down, we hurt. Sometimes, a kind word is the only source of hope we find in our day.
I decided from that moment forward I would try to be more intentional with my compliments and encouragement. In fact, I would try to work one into every conversation.
It has been both challenging and fun. I have not been perfect. But here are some of the results I have noticed:
- It benefits others. Compliments encourage others. Through kind words, we remind people of their value and their talents. All of us want to be noticed—receiving compliments confirms that we are. They provide confidence and joy and hope.
- It benefits me. When we share happiness, we receive it. These days, I see more smiles. The experiment also forces me to think less about myself and more about the other person. It is quite self-revealing. I have begun to recognize how few compliments I actually offer in a day. And I have been reminded of the power in my words.
- It benefits my environment. The people around us create the environments in which we live, work, and play. Spreading joy among them by fostering a culture of encouragement challenges others to do the same. Our work environment feels different, our home life feels different, and the world around begins to change just a little bit.
Our words are important. They have the potential to carry life within them. And offering heartfelt, sincere compliments is one of the best ways to accomplish that.
If you do decide to try the experiment, here are a few things I have learned:
Look for a prompt. I found it helpful to associate the challenge with a physical object around me to serve as a reminder—something you will have present most of the day. There is no need to buy anything new. Just attach special meaning to an article of clothing or jewelry. Use it to remind you of the challenge. It can be easy to forget.
Let common sense be your guide. Not every conversation needs a compliment. Some are short, some are just in passing, and some people we talk to on numerous occasions during the day. So use your common sense. If you talk to your boss, co-worker, or spouse 10-15 times each day, offering a compliment each time may get awkward. Settle for a few well-timed, kind words instead. Again, use your best judgment.
Keep it natural. The benefits of the challenge seem to diminish significantly when you tell someone, “Oh, I’m just saying compliments today as part of an experiment.” Using your common sense above will help to avoid those situations.
Try to be specific. It’s not always possible, but specific compliments about a person and what you appreciate about them seem to carry the most weight.
You can always end with a compliment if you need to. More than a few times I offered my compliment at the very end: “It was nice talking to you today,” or “I am glad you stopped by,” seemed to work nicely if I didn’t work a compliment into the flow of the conversation.
Using a compliment as a transition can also be helpful. They sound very natural. “Hey, you are good at Math. I have a question for you.” “I notice that you do a good job of managing people, can I ask you something?” “You are great at solving problems, can I get your input?” They take some forethought, but work really well.
The more you know someone, the easier it is to think of something nice to say. As might be expected, the better you know somebody, the easier it is to think of and offer a specific compliment. They tend to flow a bit more natural. Keep that in mind because you’ll need to work hard around people you don’t know as well.
Learn from your mistakes. There will be numerous times each day when you forget to offer a compliment. Don’t give up. Instead, try to learn from it. As you walk away, see if you can figure out why you forgot. There are probably several reasons, but I found one of the most common to be the simple fact that I was more focused on myself during that conversation than the person I was speaking with.
Give it a few days. I recommend committing to the experiment for three days.
Take notice of your response. How does the challenge make you feel? More confident? More joyful? What lessons can you learn from it? And how might it affect the words you choose in the future?
Go ahead. Try adding one compliment to every conversation today. I’m confident you’ll be really good at it.
Paula G says
What a great reminder to change the way we interact with everyone, from family, friends, and strangers. Thanks for always be an ever present positive reinforcement in my day. Thank you for sharing your wealth of knowledge, and sometimes just plain common sense.
Brian Hermelijn says
I will be doing this challenge by the start of tomorrow (school) and see how it goes in coming weeks. Thank you for sharing this challenge :)
columba says
I’ve realized, that becoming minimalist for myself is all about “focus.” Focus on what I want to spend my time and energy on, what I want to fill my life with and what I want to be full of. What am I especially like about this topic on your many posts Joshua was that the focus is on others and giving something everyone can give, rich or poor ~ and that is kind words. This was a nice reminder and encouragement, thank you.
Lindas@Creekside says
Cool. And not all that hard to do.
‘Out of the heart the mouth speaks.’
Nottooshabby says
Only be sure that your comment is authentic. Right?!
Shelley Cranley says
And to that I would say “not too shabby” nottooshabby!
Rachel says
So true. Even people you don’t know can boost you. I remember a shopping trip where my checkout lady seemed angry. After trying to talk to her a few times and receiving one word replies, I noticed her wavy gray hair. I admired it in my mind, but was hesitant to say anything because she was so cross already. I did finally tell her how lovely it looked and her whole demeanor changed. She smiled and even talked pleasantly to my brood.
It helped her look past whatever difficulty she was having and made my day too! Somehow, helping someone, even in such an easy, simple way, is a gift to the giver.
Heather says
Wow! This was a great reminder for me. School is starting next week (I am a teacher), and I find it so important to compliment my students. They need to hear how valuable they are. Middle school is such a tough time for them, and if I help them feel good about themselves, they will be able to pass it on to their peers.
I need to also remember this at home. My family needs to hear this too. Thank you!
Becky says
What a great challenge. Especially for myself. I’m going to give this the 3 day challenge and really work at making a difference in not only my life, but those that I see and speak to daily. Thank-you for this.
Narelle says
Your timing of this challenge is really helpful to me. Thankyou!
I am about to take over a business and I have admired the previous owner for her ability to effortlessly praise her staff which they really appreciate. I have been feeling quite unequal to the task and wondered how I could, having a different personality, do the same. Ive been wondering just how I could discipline myself to encourage my staff regularly and You have just given me an effective key.
Thankyou again!
Angela says
Great idea. I find saying, “It was so good to see you” is an easy compliment to give when you cannot think of anything else to say. That is definitely my back up compliment. I am returning to work today and intend on trying this.
Bella Talia says
I really agree with your compliment of “It was good to see you” but how would I say this is I was with my teenage friends. So like how can I say this without it being so formal?
Nancy says
How about:
“Thanks for hanging out tonight; it was a lot of fun.”
“Love those shoes! You have the best sense of style!”
“Thanks for listening. It really helped to talk things over with you.”
“You are so funny! You always make me laugh!”
“Great color (nails)! You always pick the the best colors!”
“Thanks for picking me up. I’m glad we’ll have some time to talk, before we get to the party.’
For me, sometimes it’s easier to compliment someone I’m not close to, like the girl in the checkout line or the guy working the drive through window. I’ve gotten some of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen, from those people, after a receiving a compliment.
In my opinion, the most important thing for a compliment to be effective is that it has to be genuine. People can feel the integrity of a compliment and will usually feel appreciated, validated (you see me), or simply elevated by a genuine compliment. Once you develop a habit of complimenting; I think it becomes pretty natural and easy for your brain to look for the little things that you can compliment. It takes practice, setting an intention to be more complimentary, having some self-awareness, while at the same time looking outside of yourself to notice the little positive or cute things that most people won’t notice or don’t bother to mention. Hope this helps.
Amabel says
Lovely thoughts there, Nancy! Thank you for sharing!
Mary Jantz says
Awesome Angela!!