How to Set Better Boundaries in Your Life

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose—and commit myself to—what is best for me.” — Paulo Coelho

Years ago, I went to visit a friend. He does quite well financially, and it shows in the home he built on a large acreage outside the city limits.

I had visited before, but on this trip, I noticed new construction next to his garage. In the original build, my friend had constructed a three-car garage on his property. And not one of those, “barely-fit-three-car garages” that you see in the suburbs. This was a huge three-car garage with space not just for three vehicles, but also a workbench, snowblower, riding lawnmower, and built-in shelving for storage.

When I inquired about the new building being constructed next to it, he responded, “Oh, I decided to add on an RV garage.”

Now, let me be very clear, this is not a story questioning his decision—or anyone’s—to build an RV garage, buy a larger home, or add on new space. I do not know his full motives or rationale for the addition.

This is a story about a life lesson I learned standing there in his driveway. A lesson I have reflected on numerous times ever since:

If we don’t set boundaries for ourselves, we often live as if there are none.

You see, for my friend, with virtually limitless land and money, he could continue to build as many buildings as he wanted. He could add on and expand as much as he wanted—and that would happen until he decided for himself, “This is enough. I want no more.”

The only thing that would stop the expansion was the artificial boundary he would choose to set for himself.

But this isn’t a story about him. This is a story about you and a story about me. And the same scenario plays out in our own lives.

If we don’t intentionally set boundaries for ourselves, we will live as if there are none.

We can see this play out in countless areas:

• The size of the house we buy.
• The amount of stuff we own.
• The money we spend.
• The amount of food we eat.
• The hours we scroll on our phones.
• Even the amount of time we dedicate to making money.

In many areas of life, the boundaries of our lives are determined only by us. And if we don’t set them, we often live as if there are none—we go deeper into debt, we gain more weight, we accumulate more stuff, we waste more and more of our days and lives.

Of course, there is a positive to this really. If every boundary in our life is set by us, it means we can redraw those boundaries whenever we want.

If you currently watch three hours of television every day, you can decide today to set a limit at online one hour.

If you eat 4,000 calories a day, you can set a new limit right now to stop at 2,500.

If your discretionary spending is adding to your credit card debt, you can limit your spending to your monthly income right now.

Most of our habits are determined by the limits we have intentionally or unintentionally not set, and we can change them anytime we want. In many cases, the boundaries we live within were set years ago by habit, culture, or upbringing. But they don’t have to stay the same. They can be rewritten and redrawn any time we want.

So if you are looking for a positive change in your life, choose to redraw your boundaries—in every area or any area. 

To get started, here’s how to create life-changing boundaries that give life—not take it away:

1. Remind yourself that all freedom is found on the other side of discipline.

We often think of boundaries as restrictions. But boundaries don’t restrict our freedom, they help us realize it.

Every athlete, every artist, every leader, every parent who has ever achieved great things has done so by placing intentional limits on their time, focus, behavior, and habits. The same principle applies to us.

Freedom is not found in doing whatever you want whenever you want—it’s found in choosing the right boundaries and sticking to them.

2. Focus not on what you’re giving up, but on what you are gaining.

If you focus only on the thing you’re limiting—less TV, less spending, less sugar—you’re likely to feel deprived in setting boundaries for your life. But when you focus on what you’re gaining—better health, more savings, stronger relationships—you’ll feel motivated to keep going.

What we choose to focus on matters. So keep looking for the good you are bringing into your life with the boundaries you are setting.

3. Ask someone you admire what boundaries they have in place.

If you want to grow in an area of life, ask someone who is doing it well. They will not feel imposed upon. If your passion is to grow and your curiosity is genuine and authentic, there are countless people who would love to sit down and talk about how they draw boundaries and structure their day and lifestyle.

4. Time journal your typical day to spot hidden blindspots.

Take one full day and write down exactly how you spend every hour. Be honest with yourself. I actually think you’ll learn more time-journaling an entire week, but let me encourage you to start with one day.

Just like keeping a spending journal helps us see blindspots in our finances, a time journal will help us learn new things about how we spend our time. After reviewing the use of your time, make decisions about what new boundary lines need to be drawn in your life.

5. Make incremental changes.

Big, sweeping changes usually don’t stick. Small, consistent ones do. So don’t bite off more than you can chew in setting new limits in your life.

Rather than trying to overhaul every boundary in your life overnight, pick one small area where you want to start. Then, start small and gain some victories before challenging yourself anew. You’ll be surprised how the momentum grows.

6. Fill empty space with life-giving activities.

Setting a boundary (like limiting social media use or spending less) will likely leave a new open space in your life. Habit experts tell us if we don’t intentionally fill that space with something better, old habits will rush back in.

Decide ahead of time what new uses of your time (or money if applicable) will fill the void: A walk? A book? A charity? A phone call with a friend? Reading through the Archives of Becoming Minimalist? :)

7. Find pride in your progress.

You won’t be perfect—none of us are. No matter your passion for crafting life change, you’ll stumble at some point in the new boundary you are trying to set.

So don’t make perfection the only finish line. Learn to celebrate the small victories and find pride in the progress you are making.

It is true that when we do not set boundaries, we often live as if there are none. But the inverse is also true:

When we become intentional in setting boundaries for our lives, we discover more life, more joy, and more meaning on the other side.

Boundaries don’t restrict your life, they set it free.