“Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you.” —Andrew Murray
9 months ago, Leo Babauta wrote a blog post titled I Failed. Immediately upon reading it, I wished I had written it. It was good and true and honest. But more importantly, it was freeing—for both the reader and writer.
More recently, I have been moved by the words of Brian Gardner and his continued pleas for authenticity. I read his thoughts on living unfiltered and again, streams of freedom flow in his writing. Sarah Peck also has a similar influence on me.
There is great freedom in authenticity.
One evening last month, while sitting at my dining room table, I suffered a dark moment of depravity. I received good news from a friend on the telephone. He’s a good person—someone I admire and look up to.
Understandably, he began telling me some of the wonderful things that had happened in his career. In a moment where I should have been rejoicing alongside him, I felt jealousy instead. I knew it was wrong for me to react this way, but it was the first emotion that surfaced. And no matter how many times I congratulated him, the bitter feeling of envy would not depart.
A few days later, unable to shake my jealousy, I called a friend and poured out my heart. I expressed my frustration with my weakness and asked for help. She responded, “You just accomplished the most important step: admitting this out loud to a trusted friend. Confess your weakness. The sooner you call it what it is, the sooner you are able to move on from it.”
Again, I was reminded there is great freedom in admitting our weakness.
- It removes the artificial walls we have built around us.
- It provides the pathway to begin addressing our faults.
- It opens the door for accountability from others.
- It embraces a life of honesty—with others and with ourselves.
- It offers opportunity to connect with others as they see themselves in our weaknesses.
- It allows others to love us for who we truly are.
- It reminds us we are not alone in our faults. To be human is to be weak.
And yet, as much freedom as there is to be found in authenticity, it is still difficult. Admitting weakness still feels a lot like admitting weakness. But when there are so many advantages to be found in it, perhaps the greatest step is to admit our fear and humbly become transparent anyway.
Allow me to start: I am flawed.
Even more difficult to admit, I struggle with the same flaws over and over again. I know them intimately well and sometimes feel powerless to overcome them.
Seven of My Greatest Flaws
Jealousy. I have struggled with jealousy as long as I can remember. Typically, I blame it on a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But my jealousy and envy run deeper than mere sibling rivalry. I find myself jealous of the skill and success of other writers. And I am jealous of those who are younger but have accomplished more. Sometimes I find motivation in this envy, but most of the time it is only crippling and burdensome.
Desire for Approval. I seek praise and approval from others—to an unhealthy and damaging degree. This desire keeps my heart and mind focused on myself too much. Often, it inhibits my ability to even be myself. I sometimes write and say things just because I know people want to hear them. And far too often, I withhold strongly held opinions because I know they are unpopular or fear they will not be accepted. There is no freedom when the desire for approval exceeds the desire to be yourself.
Lack of Self-Discipline. I am less self-disciplined than most. I write often about the importance of rising early, turning off distractions, and focused devotion to meditation. I have experienced beauty and joy in each. And yet, I sleep in far too many mornings each week and have played far more Candy Crush on my iPhone than I’d ever care to admit. I waste countless hours each week when I should be working or devoted to more important pursuits (meditation, reading, exercise). I desperately envy those who do not need a deadline to complete a project.
Selfishness. I love generosity. It is important and valuable. It is wonderful to write about, but difficult to practice. Even when it was difficult, I donated 10% of my income to charity, sometimes even more. I am thankful for the financial and the life lessons I have learned from the discipline. But nowadays, money is not tight. I have more liquid assets today than at any point before and my expenses are the lowest they have been in 10 years. And yet, during a stage of life when excessive generosity should be easier than ever, I find myself holding on to more than ever. My selfishness is being revealed during a time of plenty.
Guilt over Physical Possessions. I own more things than I need. I own less than most, but still more than I need. There are books under my bed and tools in my garage that will never be used. There are CDs and DVDs and couches (yes, couches) we intend to sell but haven’t yet. Some of the closets in my home are embarrassingly full. I believe strongly in the benefits of owning and buying less. And I have written often that my practice of minimalism is much less extreme than most. But still, I continue to have this nagging feeling that I am no less qualified to write about this topic than anyone else.
Lack of Empathy. I am less compassionate than I should be. It’s not that I don’t care about the emotional needs of the people around me, it’s that I don’t even think to notice them. As I dig deeper into this fault, I continue to run into my desire for approval from others. I go through my day so focused on being noticed and validated by others, I don’t even shift my focus long enough to notice the pain of others.
Protecting my Image. I suffer through a constant need to protect my image. I rarely express weakness to even my closest friends as I work desperately hard to protect their thoughts about me. I rarely ask for help—to do so would be to admit my need for it. Indeed, my pride runs very deep and expresses itself in numerous ways. Perhaps its greatest expression is my desire to pretend that it is well-placed.
Ahh.
There is great freedom in authenticity. I am thankful for those who have gone before and modeled it for me.
In a world where our public image can be meticulously crafted though Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and personal blogs, we must work hard to embrace our authenticity and overcome the fear associated with exposing our faults.
I hope you will join me in doing just that.
Add a comment below expressing 1-2 of your greatest weaknesses. Or join the chat on Twitter by including the hashtag (#iamflawed).
Together, we can experience greater freedom. And encourage others to do the same.
Casey says
I struggle with consistency (a lack of self-discipline) and pride which usually manifests itself in seeking affirmation from others. #iamflawed
Robin says
Joshua,
I believe everyone has flaws and it takes strength to realize and admit what they are. I strongly believe that being truly aware of your actions and feelings is key to living a more meaningful life. The journey and the discovery of oneself along the way is more important than the end result. If one is to assess their flaws, then they must also assess their greatest strengths and assets. Like the inspiration and motivation that you have provided many others, the time commitment and dedication to your writing, the willingness to be there for your friends like last night, the ability to talk to complete strangers and share of yourself (even with some of the youngest members), and probably many other attributes that you have. Realizing those is just as important in finding your true self.
jill britz says
seriously, one of the best posts you’ve written.
i saw you, straight up, a for-real person.
i could picture you in your house, with closets like mine, a smart phone like everyone else.
thank you for showing yourself authentic.
it truly is the most persuasive, the best way to be.
thelittleway says
Hi Joshua,
I just want to let you know that I find you (& your blog) very inspiring. I too am a person that seeks affirmation from others, and that has proven hard for me at times to be my true authentic self, and stand by what I believe in. It’s also made it harder for me to know my own convictions, because I’m so “agreeable!” But I still strive for that authenticity. I look at my son, just one year old, and see that pureness in all he does and says, and I think that’s how we were all meant to be. We should all strive to get back to that. Sure, we’ll stumble and fall along the way ’cause the world is a harsh, hard place, but that’s okay.
Anne Taylor says
isn’t it great that we can start each new day knowing we can leave yesterday behind us with all its mistakes and weaknesses :) What matters is the longing in our hearts for a better way of living; we just need to keep picking ourselves up and starting again and we can be sure that we will have the strength and the power to continue the process of change.
Jeremy says
“You just accomplished the most important step: admitting this out loud to a trusted friend. Confess your weakness. The sooner you call it what it is, the sooner you are able to move on from it.” ==> She said it perfectly.
I remember a quote by Brene Brown that says that vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. They aren’t always comfortable but never are they weakness.
I think you’ve been really courageous to even write this post. I think if I were in your position I would get jealous of your friend too. I can relate to that. Sounds terrible, but I can totally see myself in that position.
Jo Bennett says
I’m glad you mentioned Brene Brown, Jeremy! (I hope you don’t mind me hopping on your thread here) Her work reminds me of a psychologist from the earlier 20th century, Karen Horney, who discussed the struggle between the idealized self vs our real self.
Joshua, I enjoy your writing because it is very clear. These ‘flaws’ you mention are genuine. Brown refers to shame, in that we don’t think we are good enough (I believe Horney referred to the ‘tyranny of shoulds’) Embracing vulnerability, Brown calls it ‘daring greatly’, is to use our courage to be open and authentic so you are accomplishing that.
I don’t consider the points you mention as ‘weaknesses’ either. They are what they are (and sometimes they can be strengths!) What’s gratifying is your observation of their power to take over. The beauty of being human is seeing our behaviour and accepting who we are, as well as having the power of choice to adapt these qualities in everyday life, as long as they become equally authentic.
As a fellow blogger, I applaud your invitation to the public to engage on these topics. Shining a light like this so I can get clear about my intentions is a big part of minimalism for me.
Jo
Jo Bennett says
Oh, and I will answer your call out for ‘weaknesses’ :-)
I am exploring more ‘outrospection’ (check out philosopher Roman Krznaric) I have my inside pretty much figured out so I can now spend more time paying attention to others.
As a creative freelancer, I embrace my wild attention span – haha! Yet I also have a strong sense of order and time management. I am working on a balance between these so I can feel I have satisfied both ‘personalities’ at the end of each day.
Marilene says
It takes a person a lot of courage to admit their flaws, I think you did a beautiful job and I respect you more than ever because of that. My flaws is fear of the future and lack of compassion towards myself. But I am working on it and getting much, much better at it :) You have helped a lot with your blog and sincerity.
jaki says
Honest and reflective post – refreshing…
In seeing, you have created an opportunity to experience conscious living…
I think that may be what we, who are exploring minimalism, may be seeking…
In Peace
Bonnie says
Attended the other guys book reading last night. They made me wonder a few things:
1) what do their former spouses think of them?
2) is minimalism an arrogant movement when we consider those without a roof over their heads, receiving food and medical care benefits?
3) do they acknowledge that a quality education, which I’m guessing they both had, and a middle class upbringing are possessions that not everyone can obtain?
I find your example much more authentic and sincere.
Sandy says
Man… take it easy on yourself. Love yourself a little. Yes, we all have flaws, but that is what being human is all about. We all hide in the closet and eat candy bars or play Candy Crush. I believe, probably, that even if you could change places with your friend, you wouldn’t. In each life, someone will have more that you in one area or another whether it’s looks, intellect, money, success, et cetera. Strive to be the best you can be and then forget about it. I suppose my biggest flaw is apathy with regard to my work.