Note: This is a guest post from Nataly Kogan, author of Happier Now.
In the summer of 2017, I traveled to Tanzania to give workshops to the two hundred girls who study at SEGA (Secondary Education for Girls’ Advancement) Girls’ School.
These girls come from extreme poverty, and many of them lost one or both parents to malaria, AIDS, or other diseases. While the school provides them with room and board, in addition to an excellent education, these girls don’t have any extras—no toys, games, or books other than those in the school library.
And yet they’re so deeply grateful for everything they have.
During one of our Happier workshops, I asked the girls to write something they were grateful for on the huge pieces of papers we had taped around their outdoor cafeteria. Here are just a few examples of what they wrote:
I’m grateful that we have peanut butter at the school.
I’m grateful that I have both of my parents (mother and father!!!)
I’m grateful to have good teachers who care about me.
I’m grateful because I have all my basic needs met at the school!
I’m grateful that we have computers.
I’m grateful because I am alive.
These girls are deeply grateful for the very basic things many of us take for granted.
Because they have experienced such intense poverty, things like a safe and clean shelter, food, and access to education are extraordinary to them. But most of us don’t have the same perspective and take our basic needs for granted, and if we do appreciate these “basics,” our appreciation is fleeting.
After my parents and I fled the former Soviet Union when I was thirteen, we lived in refugee settlements without much food, comfort or certainty about the future. It was a difficult experience I’ll never forget.
Yet, as I sit in the kitchen of my comfortable home outside Boston with a fridge full of food, I catch myself being annoyed that we don’t have enough counter space. And then I chide myself for being anything but grateful for all I have.
The blessing and the curse of the human brain is that it’s good at adapting—to the good and the bad. Once it adapts, we’re used to what we have. Rather than being in awe of being alive, of having food, water, and shelter, we take them as givens. And then we want more.
Adaptability can lead to taking for granted the good already present in our daily lives. This is precisely why practicing gratitude and appreciating what we have, big and small, can help us overcome what I call the curse of the moving baseline. It’s the reason why our attempts to find genuine happiness through achievements usually fail.
Your moving baseline might go something like this: You feel undeniably confident that when you get a promotion, finish a big project, or lose ten pounds you’ll be happy. You work hard. You get the promotion. You lose those ten pounds. You finish the project. You feel amazing!
But shortly after your brain adapts, and your accomplishment now seems unexceptional. You don’t get that jolt of joy like you did when you first accomplished your goal. What’s worse, your brain’s negativity bias kicks in and you begin to notice everything that is wrong with the very thing that you were certain was your path to blissful happiness.
The minute we expect something to be a certain way we rob ourselves of the chance to delight in what we have.
The girls I met at the SEGA School in Africa were some of the most joyful people I’d ever encountered. They’re living examples that if we can practice not taking even the most basic things for granted, life becomes a series of miracles. We can feel joy in the most mundane moments. The everyday becomes the extraordinary. We get to spend more time in the Valley of Joy.
Practice: Imagine Life Without This
Think of something in your life that you tend to take for granted. It can be as simple as running water or groceries in your fridge, or that you get to listen to music you enjoy or read books that inspire you. Now consider, for a moment, what your life would be like if you didn’t have it?
Especially at times when I find myself caught up in thinking about how something is not quite right—flight is delayed, garage door is broken—I remind myself to pause and think: Imagine life without this. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever want anything or wish for something to be better, but this simple exercise fills me with deep gratitude for the many amazing things that do fill my life, and it offers a helpful way to prioritize where I spend my emotional energy.
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Nataly Kogan is the author of Happier Now: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Embrace Everyday Moments (Even the Difficult Ones).
CD says
Fantastic reminder. Thank you! We are so blessed and fortunate in our and other first world countries. I ran across a quote before I read this post, and it’s a fantastic “companion” to what this article says – “When you catch yourself complaining, what it’s exposing is the creeping sense of entitlement.” ~ Brian Buffini
When we have more we expect more… and I find it does creep in and catch me up – similar to the kitchen with a ‘full fridge and limited counter space’ thought in the article. Timely article, thank you ♥
Connection says
I am happy without Facebook.
I am happy without Twitter.
I am happy without Whatsapp.
I am happy without Skype.
I am happy without TV and Radio.
I am happy without fast internet connection. My 1 Mbps works just fine and I pay less than my neighbours for it.
I am happy without cable.
I am happy without fancy things like big houses, fancy cars, latest fashion and gadgets and unlimited money.
I am content.
Because.
There’s so many things.
That we miss in our everyday lives.
We’re so busy hustling.
Chasing far away dreams.
We forget the little things.
Like blue skies, green eyes and our babies growing.
Like rainbows, fresh snow and the smell of summer.
We forget to live.
Frances Michael says
Amen!
Karen says
I am so grateful for my comfortable and clean bed and pillow, and the roof over my head, especially when I think of homeless people out in the cold, rain, or stormy weather.
My mother-in-law tells this story of when she first married in the 50’s. Her daily routine included straightening her small house, bathing and dressing her baby boy (my husband), and sitting on the porch, hoping someone would come by to visit. In this day and time we have so much to do because we have so much to take care of, and we hope no one stops by to visit because we don’t have time for it.
Mel says
Karen, your comment hits home. I was on FaceTime with a friend who I was telling “oh I was hoping to have people over this weekend but the place is a mess, I’m tired and I don’t have any good food.” She said, “you could have them over anyway.” Why would I want people over who care about how clean my house is?! I grew up in a family where we always made sure our guests had enough to eat, even if plans were last minute. Sure it was probably spaghetti but it was the laughter and warmth during the meal everyone remembers. Not how clean or messy our house was or how little or how much our house contained. Thanks to Nataly for this beautiful and thoughtful guest post.
Linda Sand says
I once read about a group of women who were asked what in their home they most appreciated. As they went around the circle they got answers like microwave, food processor, etc. Until they came to one old lady who answered, “indoor plumbing”.
Tammy says
Thanks Linda! :o)
Sheryl from McKinney, Texas says
The very thing that has led me on our several year path to a more minimalistic lifestyle was a very similar experience to your guest writer. I visited the orphanage in Haiti which our church supports. I was astounded at how happy, content, and creative these children were without all the accoutrements and possessions we feel are necessary for modern life. Even things we consider our trash (water bottles, leftover containers, etc.,) became their treasures, toys, and art work. When I got back, I realized that my “muchness” and “manyness” had to change, and as I tried to find others who shared my desire to de-own, I found Becoming Minimalist! It’s a process and we’re still in the process of de-owning (now gifting my grandmother’s quilts to young moms in our MOPs group where they now bring smiles to their children instead of taking up space in our closets). It takes far less time to clean, and I feel so much lighter inside! Not to mention the joy that giving things to others who need them brings! Just know this process can take several years, so we need to be patient with ourselves!
Susan says
Very eloquently written. I also try to regularly practice gratitude, but it’s so easy to slip back into that mindset of feeling like you need more, particularly if you’re having a bad day.
I work in healthcare, and while I love my job you definitely see some pretty awful things. The upside is that I frequently practice “imagine life without this” specifically with regards to my health and life, and that of my family/friends. Reading your post, I will try and expand this mindset to things beyond my health. More gratitude is a good thing. Thank you.
Jan says
Thank you for this. I am very grateful for each and every day and also have become more minimalist in my lifestyle the last four years. However, the thought of once we have achieved something taking it for granted never occurred to me in the manner that you wrote about it.
Cynthia Helton says
“The minute we expect something to be a certain way we rob ourselves of the chance to delight in what we have.” … This really spoke to me – a lesson to tuck away to remind me of what joy is truly about. Thanks for an extremely interesting and thought-provoking post.
Andrea says
One thing that has been up in my mind lately is how to find balance between gratitude and conformism. Being unquiet gives you vision to accomplish bigger goals but until what point you should want more and more?
Tony W says
Imagine life with dial-up internet service! LOL. I have learned to be happy when all my needs are met. That is almost all of the time because there is a big difference in needs and wants.
I bet the girls don’t consider themselves a poor. I bet they are thankful and feel rich because they have most of what they need.
Thanks for sharing and reminding us what life would be like without this . . .