Rather than trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” try to “keep up with the person you want to be.”
It is, almost certainly, different than the life the Joneses are living.
Society has an interesting affect on us. Too often, it calls us to conform. Think of the changing styles and how quickly the masses adopt them.
We follow the new fashions. We watch the same shows and movies and read the same books. We buy the same automobile styles. We conform to modern styles of furniture, countertops, decorations, and even appliances.
“Keeping up with the Joneses” is, by its very nature, a pursuit of conformity. We want what they have, or buy what others are talking about, or click-to-ship the same product everyone else is buying on Black Friday.
But one of the rarely mentioned side effects of conforming to the life that others are living (what we buy, how we spend our time, and what we desire to have) is the complete and total loss of individuality.
But deep down, do we even want those things? Do we even want to change our clothing styles? Or buy the new car… or boat… or bigger house in the gated community?
Or would we much prefer our own life and our own choices? Wouldn’t we much prefer to pursue our own values? Because almost certainly your values are different than the Joneses!
When we take control of our life and begin pursuing the life we want to live, we discover the best way to overcome envy and jealousy of others is to live a life consistent with our values.
When our time and money are spent on things we consider important, we find an inner peace and calm that allows us to experience sufficiency, regardless of how much others have (or how they spend it). When our resources are spent on pursuits that bring us fulfillment, we find fulfillment.
Will others have more? Absolutely. But when we are doing the best we can with the resources we have, it results in the confidence and peace that the Joneses have probably been chasing all along.
Live your life ignoring conformity. Pursue those things that bring you fulfillment and significance and meaning.
Rather than trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” try to “keep up with the person you want to be.”
You certainly won’t get there trying to live the Joneses’ life.
About Joshua Becker
I think the most difficult part of not keeping up is teaching the concept to your children. All parents want their children to have strong social circles and feel they belong. However, it takes a lot of thought and preparation to balance a minimalist household with kids who have a collective experience with their friends. They must have some common ground with their peers, and that includes things they own and things they participate in.
The advice not to be drawn away from our own goals by trying to follow other’s consumerism is certainly sound advice, and surely relevant for a lot of people.
Our tendency to relate to our surroundings, however, is embedded in our nature as humans and not that easy to separate from, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. A sole human among our forefathers had no chance to survive, much less to procreate and groupthink has been inherited in us as a winning surviving concept, exclusion from the group meaning death. Our upbringing and our present surrounding will therefore make most of us adjust to the values, ethics, moral code, religion or lack thereof, speech patterns, clothing, taste of our peers, and of course to relate our possessions to those the possess, our we think they do. “Our peers” being the key choice of word. We do not without afterthought relate to persons in a much different situation. My children might find my upbringing without a sole computer or cellphone at home poor, but those being rare in the seventies-eighties nor I nor my friends ever did. A person on welfare here (Sweden) lives a life materially superior to the middle class in many countries but does not compare themselves with them and will often find themselves poor and unhappy.
In another surrounding I might have just that problem of feeling to be unable to keep up materially with the “Joneses” (or rather the Svenssons and Johanssons :-) ) But in fact I face somewhat of the opposite stress. Minimalism, or at least the outer signs of it in one’s home is rather highly hold among a lot of people I know. Being car-free is not a problem, venerating car possession is more of a working class phenomenon here, many middle class professionals are more prone to use their bicycle or to make excuses for their percieved need of a car, living in the city. Magazines sport photos of beige empty apartments without a bookshelf in sight, describing it as “clean surfaces”. Our home have no clean surfaces. It’s a mish-mash of old and new, necessary and superfluos, cherished things and those noone likes nor uses. I do feel the need to “declutter” not to wade in things and mainly “The more of less” gave me an emotional input much needed in this process where mainly practical guides had not. I do not, though wish for these “clean” empty spaces. I find them awful to say the truth, like sterile factories, and when I see those decluttered homes on film I have to remind myself that decluttering or having a minimalist approach not necessarily has that goal. Here, however comes in relating to one’s peer group. I often feel ashamed of my crowded home in relation to part of my friends, somuchso that I avoid inviting them. (I have no problem having other friends at homes, those who share more with my small city upbringing and were not polished during years of academia.) Not ashamed in the useful sense to inspire me to declutter to a level optimal for our family’s wants and needs, but for not living up to society’s expectations. Not keeping up with the minimalist Joneses.
I.m87,born towards the end of the Great Depression.People saved even bits of string,didn’t waste anything .Families were close,no one moved away until after WW11.GI’s were happy to have a small house ,a washer & dryer was a gift. A barbecue a weekend treat with neighbor’s,saved for Christmas gifts,no credit . Church on Sunday & a picnic with family,no Black Fridays,no ten thousand + weddings.No Joneses to keep up with.We were introduced to them in the 50’s . Life changed ,our ideals with it.Large family now grown & gone Empty nest loved ones gone. Spending my days giving away accumulations.Don’t want excess clothing plastics polluting landfill for my Great grandchildren.Thankyou for making sense of it all for me Joshua.Yours is a Special calling.Blessed are those who listen to your message and wisdom.
I read something the other day that said” Remember when you used to WANT the things you have now.” I have been trying to concentrate on that every day. Thank you for the reminder with the Jones
The only way to win the FOMO (fear of missing out) game is not to play…. simple !
So much truth “ Rather than trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” try to “keep up with the person you want to be.”
Who the hell are these Joneses anyway😉 Other folks and their opinions, purchase habits, lifestyles etal. are a non-entity. A society that conforms to trends is a society that is predictable, and the capitalists have these folks essentially eating out of their hands. The “Jones” have the resulting baggage, anxiety and expenses to prove it. Those who don’t go along with the status quo flow or the true trendsetters. Collectively they’ll change society.
Hi Josh, thank you for your post. Once again it’s full of honest advice in straight speak. I noticed with interest that your first three commenters were “of a certain age”. I too am in my 60’s and have found very few of our vintage trying to live minimally. Perhaps there are lots out there but I just don’t come across them on the Internet. Our generation have different values from the younger ones, even though we are all striving to live a more minimal life. I would love to follow more senior minimal folk on the net if I knew who they were! I love your advice and input though. …good work. 🌞
This is one of the best messages I have read anywhere in a very long time! I am sharing this with as many people as I can. I’ve been following ‘becoming minimalist’ for several months now just to understand and get comfortable with the concepts and lifestyle. I have in no way begun this process but am inspired and motivated. The good thing is we have hardly bought into the ‘Keeping Up with the Joneses’ concept during our 31 year marriage and have definitely ‘done our own thing’ in many aspects, including financial. The excess in our world! The expensive and extravagant homes and materialism in the area where I live is disturbing. My kids understood from the beginning to not be so materialistic as they may have seen in many school mates. So awesome to read this as further validation! Thank you.
This is a great article!
I am 75 years old and first heard about the Jones family from my parents when I was a kid. My parents were not interested in keeping up with them and told me I should not want to either. I internalized this early and also the idea that I could not be my own person if I did what everyone else did.
I try to avoid adopting behaviors that I see undesirable in others. I won’t be buying anything on Black Friday or for that matter anything online . . ever.
Chuck: My parents were like yours. Seems more parents were like that years back. Most people are in cliques anyway, and try to conform to their friends circle. I don’t compare myself to others, and avoid stores during the holiday season. Coupons are flooding the mail to get people to buy ahead of the 28th. Sales start early. I stay away from crowds.
My husband and I in our late 60s have been living a minimalist life for the last 7 years or so – very freeing. Good post Joshua- and a good reminder to even “seasoned minimalists”. I always get renewed inspiration from you.
It’s sooo hard to be the person we want to be with all the Black Friday deals tempting us. Is anyone finding it difficult? Everywhere we turn, there’s that word. (Black Friday deals) And wow, the temptation is there. How does one get the willpower to say “no”?
I hear you …. I look at what I need first, then at my checking account. Can I afford it, do I really need it? Will it be useful in the long run? Also, delete all commercial spammy e-mails right away without looking at them, takes the temptation away. And don’t go to stores unless you have a goal, and there is something specific you want to purchase. Best of luck.
My husband and I are totally not tempted by Black Friday deals. We realize we do not need any of the things they are advertising, even if it is on sale.
Do you really NEED the things that they are advertising?
Not trying to sound mean…but what “hole” are you trying to fill in your heart? Are you lonely? Do your grieve the loss of something? Are you feeling insecure?
Think about what the emotion behind these desires to buy. If we are feeling sad, lonely, insecure etc, then the glow of the purchase will wear off.
It is probably a long term process to address these problems – it is hard work, often painful and requires a lot of honesty. Perhaps the most important “minimalism” we can do is in our heart and emotions, since it is from there that we make many of our decisions to accumulate stuff.
This is such a fab post not only for our exterior lives but also for the way to approach our emotional lives – I‘m going through an unforeseen breakup and focussing away from what was to who I want to be holds true in this level too! Thankyou 😊
Great post especially leading into the holiday season.
Thank you for this, it was a light bulb moment for me! I have just started this journey and have a long way to go but this might just be my mantra.
This is such a powerful way of putting it! Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks for always knocking some sense and reminding us to re-evaluate. Not that easy if you live in a big city or around high-achievers and a goal-oriented or status quo community/culture.
Like your mention of losing individuality – wow. What a horrible effect on society to lose other role models, diversity in thinking, philosophy, outcomes. Life is complex. We could all use a little more simplicity and peace no matter what path we travel.
“Keep up with the person you want to be”.
Thank you, Josh, for continually reminding and encouraging me to stay on my path of being a minimalist.
I enjoy your emails Josh.
I’m on the “same page” as you.
Reminds me to stay on track with your little pep talks :)
Thank you