Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui of A Life in Progress.
We are afraid to let go for different reasons.
For one daughter of mine, her eclectic collection of books helps inform her identity. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in poverty and fear of lack can compel him to gather and hoard. Personally, I find myself afraid to let go because I struggle to trust that there is yet more goodness and beauty to come my way.
But I know I must let go of what was to make space for what will be.
Organization and order come naturally to me. I maintain a minimalist wardrobe, resist the pull of busy, and release habits or belongings that no longer merit space in my life. My challenge with letting go is emotional, not physical.
As I give away the favorite storybooks and games and buckets of Legos that marked my years as mama of little people, what I’m really letting go of is a beautiful season of life where I knew my role, was good at it, and felt needed. That was my dream—to build a nest and raise family. As my kids grow up and leave home, I’m shocked at the unexpected grief mixed with hope. Sometimes I want just a few days more to hug their little bodies tight. Fear tells me it will never again be as sweet as this.
Though I ache, I let go of what was to make space for what will be.
I am learning to coexist with discomfort and take action anyway so I can do the work to which I am called in this new season. But after years of numbing and running and wrestling with anxiety that incapacitates, this is hard work, emotional work, and sometimes I want to quit because even at 46 growing up is hard to do. Fear whispers I will fail anyway so it’s better not to try.
I challenge fear with truth and let go of who I was to make space for who I choose to be.
Each day I practice loving with less judgment, meeting people where they’re at. I notice my tendency toward impatience and frustration, and remind myself to take a breath and trust the journey. Instead of stepping into each day with a rigid agenda, I show up with curiosity. Fear warns that if I don’t control tightly, I will miss out or fall behind.
But I’ve opted out of the race, so I loosen my grip on what I think should be to make space for joyful possibility.
Doing the hard work of digging into the muck, hands dirtied, unhurried, to unearth what it is that draws me to hold on tight for dear life is the first step to letting go. It is only in this messy, uncomfortable place that I begin to untangle the roots of my fear and find my way to freedom. Slowly. Surely.
It is here that I identify my own compelling reason to let go of what was to make space for what will be.
The only way to true growth is through.
And if we are not careful we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing the deeper work while we sleepily traipse along someone else’s path. We must find a way to quiet the noise, for there’s no replacement for living open heart, quiet mind. If we run from the inner work, disappointment tends to follow.
She is an excellent rule follower and with a surge of energy and stamina creates a fall capsule wardrobe, declutters her home and life, only to have the stuff, the busyness and the overwhelm creep back in slowly and stealthily. She didn’t get to the root of her issue.
He lives in shame because even though he faithfully devours the simple-living books and blog posts and knows his current life pace is unsustainable, still he struggles to find momentum to slow down. He hasn’t identified his own compelling reason to initiate purposeful and lasting change.
You jump wholeheartedly onto the minimalist train and conform well but because you haven’t spent the time to gain clarity around what you truly want or who you are, you still feel as sad or lonely or unfilled as before. You forgot along the way that we are each knit-together uniquely and in order to live aligned with your mission, your life will, by necessity, look different from mine.
We must do the inner work.
Only then can we shake off the unessential, eliminate, reduce. Craft a life that is uncluttered and rich with purpose. A life with room to breathe so that we are freed up to share our voice and gifts. Whatever the excess that overstuffs our life we are served by getting honest about why we hold on tight.
This is the way to freedom.
Once we’ve done the inner work, we let go of what was to make space for what will be.
***
Krista is a stubborn questioner, honest storyteller, and Joyful Living Educator. Her mission is to help women live unshackled lives of purpose, health, and joy. Connect with her at A Life in Progress or on Facebook.
Wait until you’re a grandma if you love the little ones! Sooo much fun! They are my reason for staying healthy and cutting out extra in my life. I want to be the active grandma that can keep up with the grandkids!
For nearly a year (when I first came across one of your posts, Krista – it could not have come at a better time), I have been wrestling with the idea of making a big life change – leaving behind the job that had been my dream since school, but a job that has taken me a continent away from my partner of more than 10 years, and a(nother) continent away from the rest of my family. I’ve known for a while that I just can’t keep up the pace – and the solitude – but the thought of a full-blown transition has terrified me, since it means walking away from something I have dedicated more than a decade of my life to becoming. What I lacked until about a month ago was “my own compelling reason to let go of what was to make space for what will be”.
Unfortunately, it has come in the form of a tragedy back home. Four months ago my father finished a three-year project of building his dream home. One month ago, wildfires ripped through our town and destroyed it all. My family’s process (albeit a forced one) of physically letting go of everything they have ever owned has been the final push for me to begin my transition. I still don’t know what this will entail, but I do know it will mean letting go of a job that no longer fulfills me, and fully committing myself to the things that bring me joy. For now, I’ll move back home to help my father (re)build his home, and create new memories to fill it with.
Your post gives me so much strength, and encourages me to keep pushing through the icky stuff. Thank you!
Hayley, I got goosebumps reading that. I am sorry for that loss and the trauma (of the fires) and cheering you on as you step out, with courage, onto this new path. It makes me think of something I recently said to a girlfriend. Her divorce just finalized, the marital home sold, and she is essentially homeless at the moment but housesitting. Not one step of this journey has been easy for her… but it is right. I’m not sure without a hard push she’d have had the courage to get free of an abusive marriage or even a home she no longer needs. She will be ok, she’ll move from surviving to thriving when all is said and done – and I believe so will you.
Hayley – thank you for sharing your story. I know too well this feeling of being away from the one you love and live a solitary life just to keep a dreamed job. I have sadly felt this being overseas having a successful career in IT and only connect to my relatives via Skype monthly. I enjoy this post and been very happy to find someone who I can relate to. Love to you from ??
Brilliant. Thank you for the gift of putting into words the season I am in. Why are the most essential questions — what really matters to me — the hardest to answer?
Hi Alice – I’m smiling at your question because I hear you! Not everyone is willing to do the wrestling and digging in, but after (even amidst) the discomfort, there is joy. And satisfaction at persisting and slowly but surely walking into freedom.
The inner work is what has sustained my minimalist ways.
I used to suffer from severe anxiety.
I have my entire life.
It was only recently (two years ago) that I realized this.
Now I manage it. I can no longer call what I experience suffering.
I never thought this would be possible.
Minimalism of the mind through meditation and mindfulness has reduced the mental clutter greatly.
Minimalism through physical decluttering and paring down has had a likewise effect on my anxiety.
There’s a saying by Thich Nhat Hanh: “Don’t just do something, sit there.”
I started a minimalist journey a little over nine years ago. It was the morning after my dad died.
Enjoyed the post Krista.
The inner work is the most important work.
Thank you, Jeffrey, for your story and your encouragement. I find this with my clients too – they want to consume information, gather education – but the only way to true growth is to do the inner work.
This is the best and most insightful essay on the subject of letting go that I have ever read which gently strums through the heartstrings of my being. It resonates a lot to what I have been writing on making space and breath. How may I contact you privately?
Linds
I thought I had already replied. I can be contacted at alifeinprogress@outlook.com.
Beautiful work Krista. I appreciate your honest sharing about the stage you are going through. As someone at the other end – with a preschooler and school age child – it’s hard not to wish for your stage sometimes.
I also love that you’ve put knowing your ‘why’ into the center of it all. We can do all the decluttering and simple living planning we want, but if we don’t know who we are or what we want then we inevitably end up having to do it all again.
Thanks, Emma – we human beings are interesting creatures (always longing for where we are not). And the funny thing is, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson already, but I’m still having to remind myself often to just be here. Completely. Awake and aware to the gifts of today. xo
This post hit me right in the heart. You’ve put into words exactly what I’ve been feeling. I can follow all the minimalism “rules”, but to truly find lasting change, I need to do the inner work. Like many moms out there, I also find myself in a transition period, drifting toward an empty nest with one in college and one on the verge of high school. I wonder sometimes if I am taking on new things because I actually want to do them, or because I am afraid of doing or becoming “nothing”. Therein lies the work. Thank you for the insight Krista. Beautifully written!
Thank you, Lisa-Ruth. When I turned 40 I returned to school myself, while homeschooling, because I knew that empty nest was going to be hard for me. It didn’t stop me from grieving the transition but it did remind me that I have gifts to share beyond motherhood. I think we need a sense of contribution – whether we find that in our paid work, serving our community, a side project of sorts, loving grandbabies … it seems to me (generally speaking) that even if it is used “to hide” for a little while from the discomfort of transition, it can also be healing to remember we still have much to offer. Wishing you JOY in the journey as you do your own inner work:)
Powerful & True….. I came to tears when I read, “I am letting go of what I was…”. Pure emotion! I have been doing the same…letting go of what was… I am intrigued and wonder why some do this and why some don’t. Are we more controlling in nature? Is there a common personality type that thinks like us? I say the first half of our lives we acquire and the second half we “get rid of”. I am 52 and I am ready for this in a big way. (Even though I have always found myself “cleaning out”)Thank your for your blog :}
I realize I am and always have been very mission or purpose driven. I do think certain personality types lean this way more than others. Acquiring certain things in the past did align with my mission of building a creative, nurturing home, homeschooling, etc. Now, as I enter a new season, I have need of far less (although I still acquire – knowledge, experiences, wisdom) :)
It is really hard to leave the things but sometimes it becomes a necessity. With time, we grow so as our needs. Hence, removing the old stuff is the best thing to keep the space organized.
Agreed:)
Thank you. Your writing is beautiful, and I needed to read this. I’m going to print it out so that I can reread it when I need a reminder.
What I’m in the process of letting go of is a bit different (sadly, a 20+ year marriage; we have a toddler and a kindergartener). It’s good to be reminded to make space for “joyful possibility”.
I feel for you; not an easy season of life then. Sometimes I wish I could sprinkle “joyful possibility” around like fairy dust;)
Hi Krista. This was truly one of the most meaningful posts I’ve ever read. It’s true, what I need in my life is an uncluttered home where we can enjoy “the now”. I have created some beautiful spaces in my home and it meant letting go (donating) of some very nice things. I have never regretted it.
Hi Judy, thank you for sharing that tiny bit of your experience; I’m delighted that others “heard” me in this post.
I read the first half of the post and hurried away thinking “ok, I see the point, we all should change our roles with time, let go of stuff, that’s clear”. But then I read the rest. The words about the inner work have touched something in me that had been buried deep inside. It’s me following the minimalist advice but not doing the most important thing, me escaping from the face-to-face conversation with myself, me avoiding answering the basic questions. I’ve got tears in my eyes, and I thank Krista for bringing it to me.
Varvara, so happy you ended up reading it through;) Cheering you on as you do the mucky, inner work. May you find freedom there.
So beautiful insights clearly and warmly put into words. You touched me deeply with this post, one of the best ever.
Thank you for saying so, Ruu. Happy to know that it spoke to you.
This was one of the best posts I’ve read in a while. Much love.
Wow – thank you, Crystal. I’m receiving that love:)
I have heard the opposite of FEAR is FAITH and it sounds like you have discovered your brand of faith in looking forward with ‘joyful possibility’. Me too ! Thank you.
I’ve spent a lot of my life running and numbing. In anxiety and fear. As I heal and grow I am able to coexist with the anxiety and show up anyways. I’ve walked through a lot of pain but looking back or getting still and quiet – I am also mesmerized by all the beauty in my life. The truth that life is never all good or all bad. It is this that allows me to open up to joyful possibility. Thank you for your “me too!”
This article is beautifully written and touched me deeply. I can empathize with your husband, also having grown up in poverty not wanting to let go of things. I am in a distinctly different financial bracket now and am trying to do the deep work now. It is a long and arduous process. I appreciated reading your message and thank you for the reminder of getting to the root, getting to the why, to create sustainable changes.
I also have two young kids 4 & 7 and I appreciate the reminder of loving them, hugging them, enjoying them while they are here because someday they will be off on their own journeys outside of our home and I will miss them dearly.
A heartfelt Thank you Krista. I really needed these reminders of real work and not just a laundry list how to be minimalist in 10 steps.
You are so welcome, Christina. As a Questioner and Wrestler, I must always come to my own WHY if I am to create sustainable change. I can do hard things when I am clear on why they matter.
Krista,
Thank you so much. This brought me to tears. I am currently in a transition period. I was a home school mom who is now dealing with the oldest in college and my youngest in public school. For the first time in 18 years, I am alone in my house during the day and trying to figure out the next step. I tell people that I can’t put my finger on what is going on with me, but something is just not right. I am going through every single item in our house. Trying to sort through what to keep and get rid of. It is emotionally draining but I feel I need to do this in order to move forward. You have encouraged me! Again, thank you!
Oh, Tammy, I feel for you. Last school year was my first in 20 years without kids at home (I homeschooled 15 years but we put our youngest in public school last year). I grieved. I felt foolish – I was grieving the end of an era, all those sweet years with my kids around, my second child preparing to leave the nest. I did not expect this at all but I needed to permit grief to do its work in me. So glad you know you are not alone!
Such a meaningful post. Personally, I have found that the memories do not fade when the items go as long as we all talk about things when the family gathers. I start the conversation usually with …”do you remember….” to our kids and off they go with their versions of the same thing I remember so differently. It’s fun! On a simple sidetone, today on the blog our topic is about minimalism and food storage. Talk about our resistance to let those old food items go!!-Laurel
Yes – I am so motivated to deep connection and love talking about the “remember when’s” or helping my children get to know my parents via stories. I am also motivated to show up with great compassion for others – like my husband – who have a hard time letting go.
today, my grandfather’s and great grandfathers toys would be so meaningful to me. I wonder if, at times, minimalism takes away from future generations opportunities to connect tangibly with their ancestors?
That is possible. I think to live with purpose above all – to know our why – matters more than living in alignment with rules or someone else’s vision. I want to live light – without stuff – but I do see the value in art, books, some meaningful items passed along from family. I encourage my children, for instance, to be who they are – to wrestle and do the work to identify their own giftings/work/purpose. It is ok that it won’t look exactly like mine:)
Beautifully written, Krista!
Thank you, Marianne!
You are an insightful and gifted writer! One who encourages and compels inner refelection as to the why – not just another voice proposing yet another “laundry list” of the benefits of minimalism. Don’t EVER stop writing!
Thank you so much. I often do struggle with wanting to quit. Feeling not up to the task. Your kind encouragement is very appreciated.
I would first have to agree that I am trapped, not free, to use anything to pretend to be looking for freedom when I am simply noticing and bringing being stuck to me. I did like the self inventory portion of the article.
Elisa, noticing where we are at – being super honest about it – even getting angry about it – this is the beginning and important start. I hope you will keep doing the hard work. We are all on the journey together.
Another icky agreement, i would have to believe that knowing myself is hard work. It is a JOY knowing me!
After my father passed away I didn’t want to let got of his things. I thought I had done the work of letting go. But loss is a persistent dance partner. Always tapping on your shoulder, just when you think the music has ended. Thankfully, I finally got there. I realized that I didn’t need all of my father’s stuff to keep him alive in my heart. Thanks for the thoughtful post, Krista.
I understand that situation!! My mom passed away just as I became an adult. She had a tendency to collect things, antiques mostly. Its difficult determining which things of hers I enjoy and have a use for and what I am ready to part with. Its a bit of a process over here! I appreciate your comment that the possessions are not needed to keep the loved one “alive”.
Hi Amanda, that is a hard age to lose your mom. At first, I kept some items from my mom – that felt important. Slowly I passed along a tiny item to each of my children for their “baby boxes” and released the rest. Not saying this is how you need to do it, of course. I realized that I just miss her and stuff doesn’t make me feel connected to her. In my case something that helped was to try and pass along her legacy to my own kids – to help them know that they are loved but also truly liked (to delight in them for who they are) which is one of the best gifts she offered me.
John, I have been grieving and doing the work of letting go all over again as this is the month when we buried both my parents. I love the way you describe this dance. I have a few items from my childhood home but no, these are not what keep my parents alive. I think when I choose to love myself and do the work to which I feel called, this is what keeps them alive because this is what they would have wanted for me.