It’s easy to feel underappreciated—especially as parents who work outside the home.
We work hard in our jobs, often times putting in long hours and offering the very best we have. And we return home exhausted—all in an effort to provide for our families.
This feeling of underappreciation, at times, can turn into frustration. We might begin to ask ourselves, “Can’t they see how tired I am? Can’t they see how hard I’m working to provide and pay the bills? Don’t you realize I’m doing all this for you?”
There’s an old saying that goes like this, “Money can’t buy happiness.” In fact, it’s so commonplace and we hear it so often that we reflexively nod in agreement, “Of course, money can’t buy happiness.”
But maybe it would benefit all of us to rethink the truth held in that saying, especially in the context of our family relationships. And even more, when we as the main provider, are feeling undervalued.
It’s really easy to fall into the trap of assuming that our loved ones measure their happiness or satisfaction by the same parameters that we measure ours—career progress, financial stability, material success.
But maybe, just maybe, the most meaningful thing to them has nothing to do with the money you provide. Maybe you are the most meaningful thing to them.
Maybe your family doesn’t care if they have more money, or live in the biggest house, or drive the nicest car, if it means seeing less of you.
What if your kids and spouse are more interested in having you present at their games, sitting with them at dinner, or spending lazy Saturday mornings together? What if all they want is to share their daily joys and challenges with you, to know that you have made them a priority in your day, supporting and cheering them on in their individual journeys?
What if that’s what they want most from you?
What if they don’t care about your potential pay-raise nearly as much as you do? Maybe they just want to sit down and watch a movie together.
It’s time to challenge our long-held beliefs about what it means to provide for a family. Could it be that being present and active in our family’s life is more valuable than any amount of money or material possessions?
Now, this is not to suggest that providing for your family’s financial needs isn’t important. But the point is not to lose sight of what truly matters.
At the end of the day, your family won’t remember the brand of their sneakers or the size of your TV, but they will remember how you made them feel, the memories you created together, and the time you spent with them.
The truth is, you’re already providing for them in the best possible way when you’re present, when you show up—not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Meaningful provision is about being there to listen to their stories, to help with their homework, to comfort them in times of distress, or to simply share a laugh together.
This might be a tough reality to face, especially for those who have routinely sacrificed family for financial gain. But it’s a question that we would all be wise to ask ourselves. You might not be able to go back and relive the past, but you can certainly rewrite your future.
The next time you find yourself working late or missing another one of your child’s games, pause and ask yourself: “Is this truly what my family needs from me?” The answer might surprise you.
And the next time you feel underappreciated as the main financial provider, it might help to remind yourself, “Maybe there’s something more important that I can provide for them right now.”
Because maybe, your family doesn’t care about money as much as you do. They just care about you.
Alexandra says
Thank you for the great post. My family lives in one of the most expensive areas in the country, and we love living here as there is so much diversity and natural beauty. That said, when deciding to have children, we decided to go with two middle-income careers, rather than having one parent having the crazy long hours corporate job (in my case, it would have been me climbing the ladder in a corporate law firm). While our kids were in daycare, we spent every non-working minute with them, had daily home-cooked dinners together until recently (teenagers …) and own a small home in a non-fancy neighborhood. It was the right choice for us and our family. We are both happy in what we do, the money is okay, we can’t make big steps, especially as we have aging parents and family far away that we are supporting, but we also modeled to our children a modest family-oriented lifestyle with no new cars, no swimming pool and focusing on experiences more than things. I think we are doing a pretty good job. Different paths work for different families, this one worked and is working for us.
Stacy says
Linda and Richard Eyre, in one of their books emphasized- the career is for the family, not the family for the career.
Dorothy Delaney says
Yes this is so much needed in today’s world. Forty plus years ago my husband and I were looking to buy a house. We had two children and I was a stay-at- home mom. We decided on a house payment that his income would support and that’s what we bought. Many of our peers had a much bigger, better life style because of two incomes but we didn’t let it bother us. I would do it all over again. It wasn’t always easy but it was good.
Judy says
Sounds great Dorothy! You were the lucky one!
Barb says
We did the same, buying a house we could afford on just my husband’s salary. I would get so annoyed when my sister-in-law would complain about how she “had to” work and missed her kids SO MUCH when they were at daycare. Why did you buy a big house that required two salaries? And the new cars? And the vacations? We didn’t have those, but we had time with our kids. It’s all about choices and what you value most.
Aviva Black says
This post hits home.
As a rabbi, my father worked everyday, including weekend mornings. And he had meetings at night. Still, we had dinner – as a family – every night. My father may have been pulled in lots of congregational and community directions, but I never felt that he lacked time for his kids. Because of this modeling, it was extremely important that my husband and I choose time together over what some people call a “big job” that takes us away from togetherness.
John says
Great reminder. The key is presence. Being present and involved with your loved ones. But I’m glad you acknowledged that financial security is important. Not for keeping up with the Joneses or to buy vanity cars and big homes, but rather, to be free of financial stress (can I afford braces for the kid? Can I make the mortgage payment? Can we afford to fix the car?). Of course, many Americans could afford such basics if they didn’t wasn’t their money on frivolous things.
Eugene Sande says
Joshua,
Thanks a million, times for publishing this great article. Nothing in this world can substitute time spent with family. Having deeper connections with family is all that matter, and that only happens when you find time to be with them.
Chris Norden says
YOUR **BEST** BLOG ENTRY YET, JOSHUA!!! If I were able go back in time to 1972 and give this blog entry of yours to my dad (and then have my current 61-year-old ability to discuss this with him inside of me as the 10-year-old I was back in 1972), I’d be the happiest guy in the world. You see, I, my brother and our mom tried … and tried … and TRIED to get this message across to Dad, but to no avail. Dad had been raised in the poorest household of a small, poor Midwest town, with his dad in jail most of the time, and with him (my dad) having to support his family from the age of 8. He worked hard, became his high school’s valedictorian(!), went to Harvard(!), cultivated tastes in the finer things in life, married my mom, and built for himself a successful private practice as a psychologist, while he and Mom had and raised me and my younger brother. Whether it was because of Dad’s childhood or what, making money and accumulating and maintaining things and supporting Mom and my brother and me were simultaneously both important to him and overwhelming him to the point where he had nothing left of himself to share with us except the grumpy, exhausted, overwhelmed and DEEPLY resentful part. By ago 10, I was literally having suicidal “reasoning,” because I thought that if I weren’t there, perhaps Dad would by happier because he’d have one less mouth to feed. Mom and my younger brother and I kept trying to get him to sell our big house and get a smaller, simpler one so that he’d be happier and we could have more time with HIM (instead of with THINGS). Whether it was because of his past and not wanting to be like his father, or him thinking that “Less is Failure,” I don’t know … but he was only ever able to keep doing what he was doing. I remember the idea of Minimalism was so strong in me—even as a little boy—because of this dynamic with Dad. My younger brother’s and my play times were always stories of “make-believe” of me and him as a poor but kind and loving father (me) and his kind young son (my brother), who had “nothing,” but who had love and kindness and caring and support for one another. Talk about an obvious clue as to what was wrong in the household! *** Here I am, 61 now, and Minimalism is still my guiding principle, because I truly recognize that what REALLY matters (beyond the basic needs of food, shelter and clothing) is LOVE for fellow human beings, starting with one’s family. *** I really appreciate your blog, Joshua. I just SO wish you had written this particular entry (and that I’d seen it) long before my father passed away in 2017, so that he and I could at least have talked about this. BLESS YOU, Joshua, for all you do with the Becoming Minimalist blog! Sending you a huge THANK YOU!!!!
DAWN says
I appreciate your story and thank you for sharing these personal and vivid memories, well said.
joshua becker says
Thank you for sharing this Chris. I debated in my mind quite a bit whether I could communicate well the idea that I was trying to convey. Your story is a perfect summary of the message I wanted to say. So on a personal note, thank you. And from everyone else in the community, no doubt, thank you for taking this time to share this vulnerable story for us to be inspired by.
Chris Norden says
You’re so welcome, Joshua. I’ve learned through life and faith that in God’s economy, nothing is wasted, even pain, when it’s been forgiven, and the experience, lessons and wisdom from it are shared with others, for their benefit, in pure love. Thanks so much, Joshua, for this opportunity to share. (BTW: Sorry for the unreadability of the huge text block. I didn’t want to hit Return to create a new paragraph for concern that doing so might post what I had written before it was finished.)
Lety says
Thank you for sharing your story! 🙏🏼♥️
DAWN says
I love this message, yes! The media will not dictate my life! Thank you!
Stephen says
“Meaningful provision is about being there to listen to their stories, to help with their homework, to comfort them in times of distress, or to simply share a laugh together.”
So powerful, thanks for sharing this.
Darla Herbst says
The media is starting to fight back at minimalism. I subscribe to 3 magazines and saw articles on maximalism. They are pushing this.
Alice says
Might be time to unsubscribe, lol!
Of course they are; their entire business model is based upon advertising…to sell more ‘stuff’.