Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
Thank you for an important reminder!
Amen, amen, amen
Allah akbar
I live so frugally, Joshua…sometimes I get embarrassed because I know others judge me for it. My Honda has 147,000 miles on it…BUT it runs great. Why would I replace it?! It looks great too. That is just one example. At the end of the day, I am proud of my decisions. Sometimes I think people think I am poor, when in reality I choose not to waste my money. :)
P.S. My glasses are purple too! :)
Judy, I love your thoughts about your car; I feel exactly the same.
A funny story that relates: I worked with scientists, one of which was a Nobel laureate, and they all drove older vehicles (10 to 15 years old). I always chalked it up to “their minds are on other things, in other places…”
“Their minds are on other things, in other places…” I love that! :-)
Thanks for the inspiring post, this one really struck a cord with me as I have small kids, not really old enough to be embarrassed yet, but I fear the time will come pretty soon.
While I didn’t have that much growing up, I never felt inferior to my friends as our lives wasn’t so centered around material stuff as today.
Today I see people competing not just with the stuff but also who has the busiest schedule for their children.
I don’t deprive my kids of things and activities but we wait for them to ask for it. Maybe they get it or maybe not.
Great post, thanks!
I often think we are embarrassed by things that we ridicule but suffer with ourselves. For example, I have depression. I’m not embarrassed by it at all but people seem to be when I tell them about it. They often come to me later to confess that they’re struggling to.
Pick the right things to be embarrassed about people! Glasses, depression, our clothes; none of it really matters at all :)
Another poignant article, Joshua. Thanks so much.
I connect with this experience — especially in middle school and early high school. The importance of “fitting in” and toeing the line can be so potent. It’s easy to see why malls and their subsequent consumption are popular in this age group. I remember many a moment being embarrassed wearing tie-dye, purple, or pink colors and being mocked without mercy. And don’t even bring up the acne! Fear of embarrassment motivates a lot of difficult buying and reactionary consumption. Thanks for this powerful article and reminder.
Great article – lots to think about here. I have had the privilege of experience on both extremes of the lack/plenty spectrum for extended periods of time; being slightly embarrassed about the size and condition of the things I owned and the place I lived in, at times because they were so humble and at times because they were so extravagant.
I think that feelings of “shame and awkwardness” can prompt a change in a person’s behaviour, but they are lousy at changing the human heart and leading one to peace of mind. Shame and guilt feelings just suck so much … and it seems to me that as often as they can stop a certain behaviour, they can amplify it. Note the large number of people, when feeling judged will choose to rebel by amplifying, celebrating and adopting an ‘in-your-face’ approach to those they feel are judging them.
In my personal experience, striving to transcend the manipulative effects of shame and embarrassment by pursuing contentment in all circumstances has become my preferred strategy. You develop a clear and objective view of the ‘stuff’ in your life and have no attachment to it. Naturally that leads to a simpler, more minimalist and much more fulfilling life.
I far prefer living without the clutter of extra or the wastefulness of excess, but I now hear the alarm bells go off in my heart every time I start to compare how awesomely minimalist I am to other people who aren’t as far down that road. For me, it’s harder to let go of self-righteousness than to let go of a closet full of man toys. I’m slowly purging my life of that emotionally toxic clutter that can cause others to feel like they aren’t living up to expectations when they are around me… and that is truly liberating.
Keep up the great blog!
Rod, so true. The inner clutter is a constant challenge. Just when you think the closet of the heart is clear, another box of pride is found. This will be a life long pursuit.
Rod, love your reply which is so true. The self righteousness can creep up easily and cause us to judge others when we see them as being less educated or less able in the area of decluttering or living with less. Therefore we need to always question our own reasons/ motives behind our thoughts n be less judgmental of others.
Joshua, I really like the way you approached the topic of excess here– as our rescuer from embarrassment. We do put so much confidence in the wrong things and expect them to bring us the joy and acceptance we long for…
Still, I wonder whether being driven by embarrassment is ultimately the wrong motivation behind doing *anything*, whether downsizing or upsizing. Do you think that sometimes minimalists too seek acceptance from each other by just how much we’ve downsized? (For example, I find the tiny house movement a bit excessive… there’s a point at which your lifestyle starts to inconvenience the people in your life.)
Over all I love your thoughts here, as always!
Very good point Daisy. It should be more about getting rid of what you don’t need, or becoming more aware of what you don’t need and improving your life (and possibly others) by getting rid of excess. And using that money/space/time/effort to do more important things for people and causes that you feel could really use it. And less about being embarrassed about how much you have, whether that be “too much” or “not enough”. I feel like both sides of this coin are full of pressure. I guess no one likes to feel embarrassed and when I feel embarrassed because of have too much, that isn’t helpful either. There are better motivators, or at least more healthy motivators than embarrassment. BUT I do see his message and the good in it!
I think you just hit another nail on the head. We all want acceptance. Our pride is the issue, and it’s what causes our embarrassments. I believe focusing on God in our lives, and what pleases him is what’s important. “Excess” in any direction is a real issue. Living minimally is a great start to controlling our pride in possessions. But changing our hearts to please our Creator usually takes care of selfishness. I love your articles Joshua. And Daisy you hit another “nail on the head” as well. “BALANCE, PRIDE, SELFISHNESS. DRESSING OUR HEARTS, to make way for eternity.
Sure Daisy, a couple of thoughts.
I do think there should be some space in our understanding to welcome the role embarrassment might play in helping steer us away from behaviors and habits that are dangerous to others (or themselves). Indeed, those who never get embarrassed by their poor choices in life are at the greatest risk of repeating them.
To your other point, I think we are all tempted at times to seek acceptance and praise from others. Certainly there is no group of people immune from the appeal—minimalists included. But I wouldn’t be so quick to single out any group of people. I know you only offered the Tiny House Movement as an example, and sure, there are probably some people who make the decision for the wrong reasons (no group is immune). But I know of many people in the movement who make the decision for the right reasons and do not inconvenience others with their choices.
It may not be the right decision for you and your specific situation in life (or even mine), but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision for someone else.
You really have hit the nail on the head with this one — what an insightful article! It can be hard to make such an extensive shift in mindset when all those around you are still chasing material gains. That’s why I love that spaces like this one give people all over the world access to lovely little supportive communities as they travel the road to minimalism. It’s just awesome!
http://www.lifeinthesunlight.com/