Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
About Joshua Becker
I would much rather be embarrassed by the things I posses when a rich person enters my home, than to be embarrassed when a poor person enters
I’ve been a bit embarrassed by my big house for a while. I definitely feel odd when I see ostentatious homes, belongings. But why the guilt? I know that I have more than I need compared to the rest of the world. I am grateful.
It’s all a matter of priorities. I choose to live in a small apartment and drive an older vehicle while spending my money on travel (not on luxury vacation, just “let’s see as much as we can as cheaply as we can” kind). I never saw it as a reason to be embarrassed until my coworkers started pointing out how often I vacation. I guess driving a BMW and never taking a day off is ok but enriching your life through travel is a luxury.
Yes, very true. We send our kids to a very nice, very good and rather pricey school. I sometimes get the question or comment of why or how, but it comes from people who belong to country clubs and drive fancy cars. I don’t understand why they ask ME that question. I certainly don’t ask why THEY drive what they drive and why they spend their money on golf, prestige or a swim club.
I just wanted to say that I Google my feelings a lot and, as a result of my searches, have ended up on this website many times. This is a great site and I totally agree with everything I have read so far. Thank you for putting this out there as a resource and means of support for people like me who are trying to eliminate the excess in our lives and learn to live simply and gratefully.
In Asia This Kind Of Mindset Become So Up Level.
I Just Wonder When This All Started And It Become So Chronic
Even An Ice Cream We Eat Can Be Something To Be Embarrassed Like An Example If We Buy From A Local Store You Will Be Called Such A Low Class Person But If You Buy Those Ice Cream From Baskin Robbins You Are Such A Great And High Person….That Is So Wrong.
Fault Mindset Are So Viral Nowadays
The older I get the less I care so the less I’m embarrassed but I think there will always be things that bother me. The house is never finished. The flower beds are always a mess. The sagging roof on the shed…it’s a really long list. I don’t care that the Jeep is 13 years old and rusty. Last year’s fashions? How about last decade’s fashions! Funny what embarrasses us, isn’t it. Lots to think about now!
I have been trying to minimise my life since last few days. I have started with chucking small things I don’t need or use, and though I have a long way to go, your blog has been helping me stay motivated to do that.
I haven’t been embarrassed of many things people expected from me. Like having a car. I don’t own a car yet and people think that’s absurd. How could you not have a car? How embarrassing! But I am not embarrassed one bit. I don’t have it because I don’t need it. And I don’t think a vehicle is going to make any statement about my life. But that’s precisely why people posses cars, they want to make a state,met about how successful they are. It’s like a trophy they can move around in.
I think you’re dead wrong about this one. Most of us own cars because we need to get to work, the grocery store, church, or the doctor’s office. Most of us don’t own a car because it makes a statement about ourselves. Perhaps you could tell that the sporty car belongs to a single guy or the mini-van belongs to the mom with kids, but we use them because they fit or we need them, not because we want a “trophy” to drive. That seems extreme. Most of the people I know are extremely grateful to have a car in which to sit and drive so that they can get back and forth to work and pay their bills.
The only thing anybody should ever be embarrassed about is if they did or said something hurtful to another human being.
This is a wonderful post! You really hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing!
There is so much truth behind this, but confusion as well. Where, and why, does all of this start in the first place? It is unfortunate in a world where we always here to “be yourself”, that when people live (and even look) authentic, there is room for people to judge to the point of causing that embarrassment. At the age of 23, I am slowing figuring out that to live authentic, you just have to do, and not worry about the external world that comments on how you dress or act. I spent 2014 living out the word “Simplify” and I think having that word in my mindset really did help me become more true to myself. =)
I feel if I have enough to wear I don’t need more. I fill the recycling bin every day and a bag for Goodwill once a week. There is food for the food pantry too. Enough is too much. We could live with a lot less and so could other families. If we use meat as a condiment instead of the basis of a meal we are using less resources.
AMEN.
I was just thinking about this very idea/issue the other day when I was at my daughter’s school. I caught the end of a conversation where a junior high boy was apologizing to his friends for the car he was getting into (his mom’s). He went on to state that the “better car” they had was in the shop. It made me sad, mad, and frustrated all at the same time. Clearly he was embarrassed, and just wanted to fit in. I wanted to tell him that these things don’t matter. There is so much more to life. Think beyond your stuff, dear one. In the end, you’ll be leaving it all behind anyway.
Ugh. I hate that we live in this society where we are defined by what we look like and what we have. I think that’s why I love the concept of minimalism so much. The emphasis gets shifted on to what is really important. I love that minimalism and everything that comes with it has the ability to give us our voice back and choose what truly defines us. It gives us the ability to say, no. We are not what we have. We are much much MORE than that.
AMEN.
I was just thinking about this very idea/issue the other day when I was at my daughter’s school. I caught the end of a conversation where a junior high boy was apologizing to his friends for the car he was getting into (his mom’s). He went on to state that the “better car” they had was in the shop. It made me sad, mad, and frustrated all at the same time. Clearly he was embarrassed, and just wanted to fit in. I wanted to tell him that these things don’t matter. There is so much more to life. Think beyond your stuff, dear one. In the end, you’ll be leaving it all behind anyway.
Ugh. I hate that we live in this society where we are defined by what we look like and what we have. I think that’s why I love the concept of minimalism so much. The emphasis gets shifted on to what is really important. I love that minimalism and everything that comes with is has the ability to give us our voice back and choose what truly defines us. It gives us the ability to say, no. We are not what we have. We are much much MORE than that.
I love your question – what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things? It would certainly help my priorities in life become much more clear. Definitely something to sit with. Thanks for sharing!
Another home run! This is an excellent topic and the timing perfect.
I am living in my family home with my daughter and it is much too large. I am selling the house next year but in the meantime this was really bothersome for us living in a city with such high cost of living and visiting.
My solution was two years ago I joined Couchsurfing.com and opened our home to travelers to stay for a night or two for free. My folks were delighted with the interesting travelers that came through our doors. Yes, the couches have seen better days, the carpet isn’t perfect (we have three dogs) but no one ever seemed to mind. They were always so thankful to have an alternative to buggy noisy hostels or overpriced hotels.
I move in very different socio-economic groups in my life which has allowed me the freedom to just be myself. I will not have the best or worst of anything in any given group and that is a-okay with me.
This is a topic worthy of deeper discussion. Thanks for being a bright light in sometimes dark world.
This is so on point Joshua. I too have noticed a shift in what causes embarrassment in people as society’s norm has become more of a selfish mentality and less of a Christ-like mentality.
Thanks for this post. If only this were true now. So far we have not gotten into this. My daughter does wear glasses but, it helps that both mom and dad do too so she is not as embarrassed. I am dreading the teen years but, will have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
Thanks for everything you do and for all the great posts. Have a great holidays!
Thank you for such insightful words especially at this time of year. Your words reasonate with me and I hope to embrace a life more of meaning than of things.
Thank you for another insightful article.
My first thought was … So much is tied to our own self-esteem and our desire to be accepted, to be well-regarded, to be loved. But it is not just the stuff we wear. We can also “wear” and flaunt experiences, accomplishments, even personality/characteristics (altruism, charitable, minimalism) in pursuit of acceptance and love. People who post on Facebook or Instagram thrive on positive comments and “likes,” just as much as people wearing the latest fashions. I think this is the normal human condition … we all want to be loved.
My second thought was … We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us. We create the embarrassment because, more often than not, we make our love and acceptance conditional (i.e., the giving of our love and acceptance). Children and puppies get a free pass, but everyone else has to qualify for approval, acceptance, and love. I think we seek out people who look and sound and dress like us, because these are shortcuts to love and acceptance, like a secret code to circumvent our judgmental nature.
My final thought was aspirational and spiritual … What would my life look like if I truly “loved my neighbor as myself?” Is it even possible? Could I actually live so that the people around me felt absolutely and completely loved and accepted, no matter what they did or said or wore? Could I even do so for 24 hours, unconditionally love and accept every single person with whom I had contact?
Joshua, thank you for provoking these important and fundamental questions.
AJ – your comment has really resonated with me. I am wrestling with the choice of giving Facebook the flick, trying to work out exactly why I have it and if it is good or bad for me.
Unconditional love, this is the highest calling. Something I definitely need to be more mindful of and deliberate about.
Your third point will be added to my 2015 challenges. Permanently.
Love your posts, Joshua. I’ve shared several to better describe our own lifestyle choices because you usually say it better than I can.
One heads-up, your emails have started locking up my Outlook with a feedburner error, taking 2+ minutes to contact feedburner for some image or URL. I usually have to go into email on an alternate device and delete your email, force close Outlook on my computer, and reopen to have it sync again. I’ve seen the same issue from time to time with other blogs, so I feel it’s probably a feedburner glitch. Long story short, I can’t read all your emails, which makes me sad. Hope you can find a fix or workaround.
Excellent topic! My experience dictates “one” gets embarrassed because “one” feels judged. I find fault not at the person being judged but the person passing it.
As a practice of compassion, I catch myself when I lean towards judging others, to be more accepting, and to see past “ones” appearance. It is a learned habit so I keep practicing.
thanks for touching on this.
Well put, Flor.
Too true. I’ve found this to be true especially as I’ve become a parent. Using the right brand of nappies, dressing your children in the nicest/cutest/most expensive clothes. Making sure that their beautifully designed bedrooms are filled to the brim with the best toys and furniture. Its never ending. Sadly I’ve fallen into the trap and now I’m trying to pull myself out free from it.
I got my first pair of glasses in the 5th grade (I’m now 60 yrs old). I vividly remember my awe during the car ride home of how clear and crisp the leaves looked on the trees. I still proudly wear my progressive tri-focals and see everything clearly and crisply, while my friends squint at menus, fumble in their purses for their “cheaters” or hand me something in small print to read for them!
Oh. I don’t have an iphone 6. How outre’. As a matter of fact I traded my Droid for an “old” RazrV3C flip-phone. I love that I don’t have to charge the battery all the time. I charge my phone every 3 or 4 days. My bill was cut in half. I don’t wear “fancy” clothes. It’s denim and t-shirts for me. I do have some nice dress shirts and polo’s. Though most of the time I keep it simple. Easier. I am who I am That hasn’t and won’t change. You have great insight. Thank you.
This is right on time! Thanks for putting things back into perspective. I recently attended a holiday party with some people that are brand and luxury focused to say the least and although I pride myself on being comfortable in my anti-consumerist lifestyle, I still found myself feeling out of place and slightly embarrassed. I’m not interested in always being the person ranting on about my philosophies so I just observe and interact as typical but I love the idea of re-framing this counterintuitive embarrassment!
Thanks again
Great Article. I wanted to mention regarding your son’s new glasses: if he has trouble seeing far away and sees better with the glasses then he is near sighted and shouldn’t use the glasses for reading. Glasses that help you see better when reading are totally different optically. You may “not” want him reading with the new glasses? Check with your eye doctor. When you read with glasses for near sighted the letters actually look smaller to the person wearing the glasses, making him strain even more to read the smaller print. Hope this makes sense.
i sit here cringing and laughing when i was young there was no such thing as designer glasses, i hated mine so i deliberately broke them at school on purpose so as not to wear them, i used to close my school desk lid onto them and crush them, might not be a good idea to let kids see this haha,
i have just had some new boots bought for my birthday had lots of compliment which feels good, i am more secure and stronger in myself, think the issue of greed is a massive problem so its good to keep a check, i don,t want to analyse everything i buy that becomes another issue but just have wise balance, i can still see me visiting charity shops too un- load but hopefully not as often, enjoy/content in both lean times and good love jacqueline love your posts xoxoxoxox
Great article!
This embarrassment factor is part of the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality, in my opinion. But the typical American (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Jones) is overweight. Plus, happiness among Americans has been declining since the 1950s. This has fueled Big Pharma to become an almost half a trillion dollar a year industry. Who should be embarrassed now?
I am certainly not embarrassed that my simple living (no car, no cable, no smartphone and no processed foods) has allowed me to quit the corporate rat race and optimize my health, wealth and happiness.
Isn’t that we all really seek out anyway?
I’m not embarrassed because I’m fat, nor should I be. I would no sooner make fun of someone’s appearance than I would their house, car, clothing, etc. What is this – middle school?
I guess I am unfamiliar with the type of embarrassment the author writes about, other than in my youth when life was embarrassing in general. I live outside of D.C. in a neighborhood of 50 year old homes, a wide variety of cars, and many different styles of clothing. I tend to be more minimal than most, but embarrassment has never been a factor. I guess I’m lucky to live in an area where nobody cares what kind of car I drive or what brand my purse is (TJ Maxx all the way!). Just another viewpoint….
Wonderful article and a very apt one for this time of the year. We are often embarrassed about the wrong things: our looks and possessions instead our apathy, our inhumanity and our huge carbon footprints.
My sister absolutely refused to wear her glasses. She probably needs them still 50+ years later…. Me, I need mine to find them! When I went through the contact phase, I sat on two pair in three years!
My mother made me take piano lessons, ballet and singing lessons too. I sang first soprano until I got I’ll. I finally learned chopsticks at 45 (I’m 58) because my teacher thought it was beneath her to teach me ( she was embarrassed)! And, the only thing ballet taught this girl was that larger sized kids and keotards are NOT a good match. I adore ballet in part because or in spite of the lessons, but you will never EVER get me to sing “Try to Remember” EVER EVER
This really struck home. I vividly recall the embarrassment of being a kid with glasses, being the tallest one in my 6th grade class, all those things that made me “different” — i.e., stand out in some way. What I hadn’t really thought of was how that feeling follows us into adulthood. I’m definitely a lot better now about comparing myself to others and feeling “less,” but it’s something I’m going to continue to watch for. Thanks!
It’s probably due to my poor eyesight that I couldn’t catch balls. Football was always a nightmare. My first glasses at 12 weren’t suitable for sports and then I started growing until I was the tallest person in school. Couldn’t get fitting clothes let alone fashion able ones.
I don’t care anymore. I get my suits from a tailor in Hong Kong. And my glasses too. The savings on suit andd glasses pay for plane ticket.
great post! I love our little (really not so little) one bedroom apartment, but I often get embarrassed when my sister or parents come over and make comments that we need to get a larger place. I have to continually remind myself how much we love our place and I would rather be there than in a house where we’re not using all of the space.
Just now feeling embarrassed for typing two dots in the email address and losing the whole nice post.
I recently won a Coach purse in a drawing, and I immediately donated it to a different fundraiser. Even though I didn’t pay a cent for it, I didn’t want anyone to think I’d actually pay that much for a handbag.
Plus, I serve on a couple of planning committees for service events in our community that help homeless people. I can’t imagine walking into that meeting carrying a Coach purse. THAT would be embarrassing.
I agree about the Coach purse, Becca! I’ve never understood the Coach thing. I found my newish purses at thrift stores for under $10! They look nice!
I have noticed that often it is the people who complain about having “no money” who are driven by labels, prestigious neighborhoods, etc.
We have a lot of pride in our Dave Ramsey lifestyle, and wouldn’t change anything.
I was just about finished reading your post and thought that I would make a comment that embarrassment can work in the opposite direction – that I can be embarrassed by having MORE than I need when compared to those around me. Then I saw that you made that very point at the end. Whoops!
The only thing I have to add is that I think the next step is to make sure I have ample time rubbing shoulders with those who have less than myself. This may mean walking a different neighborhood, shopping in a different store, volunteering in a setting where people are of low income or in need, or possibly even moving out of a “just like me” neighborhood.
Amen to what you said, with the emphasis that my releasing stuff from my possession is done with a heart of worship and gratitude, not guilt.
You’re all about gratitude,I know from reading your books & blogs, and this post prooves it.
Yes,my 2nd comment today. I was re-reading your post -it meant that much to me,
So true, Joshua! I know a couple of years ago I had to upsize to a larger home to accommodate some additional residents, and I remember when I moved in I was embarrassed when the movers commented about how big and nice it was. It felt like an obscene excess to me. As soon as my “extra” residents relocated, I downsized as well, and I feel so much more comfortable, so much more like “me” than I used to in this smaller home. And my kids actually like this house better – call it “humble” and “cozy!”
It seems to me, though, that minimalism is not about what you own, but whether you’re using it. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to live in a larger house if all the rooms were actually needed. And you did the minimalist thing: you downsized when those extra people had moved out.
While I’m not a clothes horse or name-brand label fiend, in the past I’ve been guilty of holding off on celebrating with family and friends because everything wasn’t “Pinterest perfect.” No longer will I feel bad about our 1970s blue bathroom or the unfinished basement (which our kids think is THE best for indoor soccer. haha).
Over the past year, my husband and have had gatherings once a month. What JOY this has brought to our lives! It’s pretty awesome when you don’t mind waking up to a sink full of dishes because you were eating and drinking and talking and laughing until the wee hours of the morning. :-)
Crystal clear reading! Thank you.
I know what Judy means, I think some people think I’m poorer than I am. I like living carefully. It’s right for me & gives more options. Even if I was very wealthy I would live the same. There is just too much need in the world, to waste what I have.
As regards appearances, I’m a sensitive soul, but if people don’t like what I’m wearing or something else about me, they should look away!
Angela
Thank you for an important reminder!
Amen, amen, amen
Allah akbar
I live so frugally, Joshua…sometimes I get embarrassed because I know others judge me for it. My Honda has 147,000 miles on it…BUT it runs great. Why would I replace it?! It looks great too. That is just one example. At the end of the day, I am proud of my decisions. Sometimes I think people think I am poor, when in reality I choose not to waste my money. :)
P.S. My glasses are purple too! :)
Judy, I love your thoughts about your car; I feel exactly the same.
A funny story that relates: I worked with scientists, one of which was a Nobel laureate, and they all drove older vehicles (10 to 15 years old). I always chalked it up to “their minds are on other things, in other places…”
“Their minds are on other things, in other places…” I love that! :-)
Thanks for the inspiring post, this one really struck a cord with me as I have small kids, not really old enough to be embarrassed yet, but I fear the time will come pretty soon.
While I didn’t have that much growing up, I never felt inferior to my friends as our lives wasn’t so centered around material stuff as today.
Today I see people competing not just with the stuff but also who has the busiest schedule for their children.
I don’t deprive my kids of things and activities but we wait for them to ask for it. Maybe they get it or maybe not.
Great post, thanks!
I often think we are embarrassed by things that we ridicule but suffer with ourselves. For example, I have depression. I’m not embarrassed by it at all but people seem to be when I tell them about it. They often come to me later to confess that they’re struggling to.
Pick the right things to be embarrassed about people! Glasses, depression, our clothes; none of it really matters at all :)
Another poignant article, Joshua. Thanks so much.
I connect with this experience — especially in middle school and early high school. The importance of “fitting in” and toeing the line can be so potent. It’s easy to see why malls and their subsequent consumption are popular in this age group. I remember many a moment being embarrassed wearing tie-dye, purple, or pink colors and being mocked without mercy. And don’t even bring up the acne! Fear of embarrassment motivates a lot of difficult buying and reactionary consumption. Thanks for this powerful article and reminder.
Great article – lots to think about here. I have had the privilege of experience on both extremes of the lack/plenty spectrum for extended periods of time; being slightly embarrassed about the size and condition of the things I owned and the place I lived in, at times because they were so humble and at times because they were so extravagant.
I think that feelings of “shame and awkwardness” can prompt a change in a person’s behaviour, but they are lousy at changing the human heart and leading one to peace of mind. Shame and guilt feelings just suck so much … and it seems to me that as often as they can stop a certain behaviour, they can amplify it. Note the large number of people, when feeling judged will choose to rebel by amplifying, celebrating and adopting an ‘in-your-face’ approach to those they feel are judging them.
In my personal experience, striving to transcend the manipulative effects of shame and embarrassment by pursuing contentment in all circumstances has become my preferred strategy. You develop a clear and objective view of the ‘stuff’ in your life and have no attachment to it. Naturally that leads to a simpler, more minimalist and much more fulfilling life.
I far prefer living without the clutter of extra or the wastefulness of excess, but I now hear the alarm bells go off in my heart every time I start to compare how awesomely minimalist I am to other people who aren’t as far down that road. For me, it’s harder to let go of self-righteousness than to let go of a closet full of man toys. I’m slowly purging my life of that emotionally toxic clutter that can cause others to feel like they aren’t living up to expectations when they are around me… and that is truly liberating.
Keep up the great blog!
Rod, so true. The inner clutter is a constant challenge. Just when you think the closet of the heart is clear, another box of pride is found. This will be a life long pursuit.
Rod, love your reply which is so true. The self righteousness can creep up easily and cause us to judge others when we see them as being less educated or less able in the area of decluttering or living with less. Therefore we need to always question our own reasons/ motives behind our thoughts n be less judgmental of others.
Joshua, I really like the way you approached the topic of excess here– as our rescuer from embarrassment. We do put so much confidence in the wrong things and expect them to bring us the joy and acceptance we long for…
Still, I wonder whether being driven by embarrassment is ultimately the wrong motivation behind doing *anything*, whether downsizing or upsizing. Do you think that sometimes minimalists too seek acceptance from each other by just how much we’ve downsized? (For example, I find the tiny house movement a bit excessive… there’s a point at which your lifestyle starts to inconvenience the people in your life.)
Over all I love your thoughts here, as always!
Very good point Daisy. It should be more about getting rid of what you don’t need, or becoming more aware of what you don’t need and improving your life (and possibly others) by getting rid of excess. And using that money/space/time/effort to do more important things for people and causes that you feel could really use it. And less about being embarrassed about how much you have, whether that be “too much” or “not enough”. I feel like both sides of this coin are full of pressure. I guess no one likes to feel embarrassed and when I feel embarrassed because of have too much, that isn’t helpful either. There are better motivators, or at least more healthy motivators than embarrassment. BUT I do see his message and the good in it!
I think you just hit another nail on the head. We all want acceptance. Our pride is the issue, and it’s what causes our embarrassments. I believe focusing on God in our lives, and what pleases him is what’s important. “Excess” in any direction is a real issue. Living minimally is a great start to controlling our pride in possessions. But changing our hearts to please our Creator usually takes care of selfishness. I love your articles Joshua. And Daisy you hit another “nail on the head” as well. “BALANCE, PRIDE, SELFISHNESS. DRESSING OUR HEARTS, to make way for eternity.
Sure Daisy, a couple of thoughts.
I do think there should be some space in our understanding to welcome the role embarrassment might play in helping steer us away from behaviors and habits that are dangerous to others (or themselves). Indeed, those who never get embarrassed by their poor choices in life are at the greatest risk of repeating them.
To your other point, I think we are all tempted at times to seek acceptance and praise from others. Certainly there is no group of people immune from the appeal—minimalists included. But I wouldn’t be so quick to single out any group of people. I know you only offered the Tiny House Movement as an example, and sure, there are probably some people who make the decision for the wrong reasons (no group is immune). But I know of many people in the movement who make the decision for the right reasons and do not inconvenience others with their choices.
It may not be the right decision for you and your specific situation in life (or even mine), but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision for someone else.
You really have hit the nail on the head with this one — what an insightful article! It can be hard to make such an extensive shift in mindset when all those around you are still chasing material gains. That’s why I love that spaces like this one give people all over the world access to lovely little supportive communities as they travel the road to minimalism. It’s just awesome!
http://www.lifeinthesunlight.com/