Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
Excellent topic! My experience dictates “one” gets embarrassed because “one” feels judged. I find fault not at the person being judged but the person passing it.
As a practice of compassion, I catch myself when I lean towards judging others, to be more accepting, and to see past “ones” appearance. It is a learned habit so I keep practicing.
thanks for touching on this.
Well put, Flor.
Too true. I’ve found this to be true especially as I’ve become a parent. Using the right brand of nappies, dressing your children in the nicest/cutest/most expensive clothes. Making sure that their beautifully designed bedrooms are filled to the brim with the best toys and furniture. Its never ending. Sadly I’ve fallen into the trap and now I’m trying to pull myself out free from it.
I got my first pair of glasses in the 5th grade (I’m now 60 yrs old). I vividly remember my awe during the car ride home of how clear and crisp the leaves looked on the trees. I still proudly wear my progressive tri-focals and see everything clearly and crisply, while my friends squint at menus, fumble in their purses for their “cheaters” or hand me something in small print to read for them!
Oh. I don’t have an iphone 6. How outre’. As a matter of fact I traded my Droid for an “old” RazrV3C flip-phone. I love that I don’t have to charge the battery all the time. I charge my phone every 3 or 4 days. My bill was cut in half. I don’t wear “fancy” clothes. It’s denim and t-shirts for me. I do have some nice dress shirts and polo’s. Though most of the time I keep it simple. Easier. I am who I am That hasn’t and won’t change. You have great insight. Thank you.
This is right on time! Thanks for putting things back into perspective. I recently attended a holiday party with some people that are brand and luxury focused to say the least and although I pride myself on being comfortable in my anti-consumerist lifestyle, I still found myself feeling out of place and slightly embarrassed. I’m not interested in always being the person ranting on about my philosophies so I just observe and interact as typical but I love the idea of re-framing this counterintuitive embarrassment!
Thanks again
Great Article. I wanted to mention regarding your son’s new glasses: if he has trouble seeing far away and sees better with the glasses then he is near sighted and shouldn’t use the glasses for reading. Glasses that help you see better when reading are totally different optically. You may “not” want him reading with the new glasses? Check with your eye doctor. When you read with glasses for near sighted the letters actually look smaller to the person wearing the glasses, making him strain even more to read the smaller print. Hope this makes sense.
i sit here cringing and laughing when i was young there was no such thing as designer glasses, i hated mine so i deliberately broke them at school on purpose so as not to wear them, i used to close my school desk lid onto them and crush them, might not be a good idea to let kids see this haha,
i have just had some new boots bought for my birthday had lots of compliment which feels good, i am more secure and stronger in myself, think the issue of greed is a massive problem so its good to keep a check, i don,t want to analyse everything i buy that becomes another issue but just have wise balance, i can still see me visiting charity shops too un- load but hopefully not as often, enjoy/content in both lean times and good love jacqueline love your posts xoxoxoxox
Great article!
This embarrassment factor is part of the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality, in my opinion. But the typical American (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Jones) is overweight. Plus, happiness among Americans has been declining since the 1950s. This has fueled Big Pharma to become an almost half a trillion dollar a year industry. Who should be embarrassed now?
I am certainly not embarrassed that my simple living (no car, no cable, no smartphone and no processed foods) has allowed me to quit the corporate rat race and optimize my health, wealth and happiness.
Isn’t that we all really seek out anyway?
I’m not embarrassed because I’m fat, nor should I be. I would no sooner make fun of someone’s appearance than I would their house, car, clothing, etc. What is this – middle school?
I guess I am unfamiliar with the type of embarrassment the author writes about, other than in my youth when life was embarrassing in general. I live outside of D.C. in a neighborhood of 50 year old homes, a wide variety of cars, and many different styles of clothing. I tend to be more minimal than most, but embarrassment has never been a factor. I guess I’m lucky to live in an area where nobody cares what kind of car I drive or what brand my purse is (TJ Maxx all the way!). Just another viewpoint….
Wonderful article and a very apt one for this time of the year. We are often embarrassed about the wrong things: our looks and possessions instead our apathy, our inhumanity and our huge carbon footprints.
My sister absolutely refused to wear her glasses. She probably needs them still 50+ years later…. Me, I need mine to find them! When I went through the contact phase, I sat on two pair in three years!
My mother made me take piano lessons, ballet and singing lessons too. I sang first soprano until I got I’ll. I finally learned chopsticks at 45 (I’m 58) because my teacher thought it was beneath her to teach me ( she was embarrassed)! And, the only thing ballet taught this girl was that larger sized kids and keotards are NOT a good match. I adore ballet in part because or in spite of the lessons, but you will never EVER get me to sing “Try to Remember” EVER EVER