Intentional parents help their children learn skills, gain confidence, grow in character, find interests, and experience new opportunities. When they are young, we desire to give them every opportunity to discover what they love and where they will succeed.
Often, this results in busy family schedules. We are presented the opportunity for busyness by living in communities that offer countless options. We feel compelled by the fear that our kids will fall behind. And we are guilted into the life by relatives, friends, or neighbors.
Even worse, there seems to be a little voice inside each of us calling us to impress others by the success of our children. As the philosopher Ernest Becker might say, “We exalt our children into the position of our own ‘immortality symbol’.”
Somewhere along the way, childhood activities became less about the goals outlined above and more about trying to keep up with everyone else. They became less about our kids and more about us—as if busy, successful kids is a badge of honor we could wear on our sleeves to parties and social outings.
41% of children, age 9-13, said they feel stressed either most of the time or always because they have too much to do. And more than three-quarters of kids surveyed said they wished they had more free time.
Now, don’t misread me. There is great value in extracurricular activities. Kids learn teamwork, discipline, and social skills. Some studies correlate physical play with improved intelligence. Each of us would be wise to count the benefit of involving our children in a variety of extracurricular activities.
That being said, we would also be wise to consider the costs associated with overscheduling children.
More and more families are eating dinner on the fly, often grabbing fast food on their way to soccer practice or music lessons. Unhealthy eating habits aside, this robs many kids of the important, life-influencing opportunity of simply eating together and discussing the day.
Overscheduled kids miss out on opportunity for extended free play. Free play allows kids to burn off energy and learn social skills in an unstructured environment. It provides opportunity for kids to exercise their imagination, create games, and refine rules. It forces children to learn awareness, police themselves, and develop empathy.
Overscheduled children lose the space to simply be with themselves and learn the art of being alone. In our noisy, busy world, the importance of developing the life skill of solitude, meditation, and quietly being with oneself can not be overstated.
Children need an opportunity to explore their world and themselves. They should be provided the space to discover their own passions and talents. Overscheduling kids from one activity to another often stunts their development in this area.
It would be wise for us to rethink the heavy scheduling of our children.
What strategies might we implement to slow down and create margin in our family’s schedule? Consider these 9 ideas.
Slowing Down Your Family’s Schedule
1. Discern where the motivation is coming from: you or your child.
Take a step back and honestly evaluate the activities, teams, organizations, and clubs your child is enrolled in. Is the underlying motivation truly the welfare of your child? Or are there personal motivations shaping your decisions: succumbing to pressure, trying to impress other parents, or trying to make up for missed opportunities in your own childhood?
2. Determine an ideal baseline number of activities.
Without consulting your calendar, ask yourself this question: “Ideally, how many hours each week should my child be involved in structured, organized activities outside of school?” This will likely vary by age, personality, need, and even season. Once a baseline has been determined, compare this with your current calendar. Are the numbers close? Or do adjustments need to be made?
3. Elevate the importance of family dinnertime.
According to the American Dietetic Association, eating together as a family during adolescence is associated with lasting positive dietary choices in the future. Eating together as a family promotes relationship, understanding, and love. It provides opportunity for kids to digest not only their food, but also the events of the day. Elevate its importance. Guard it. Most likely, you will not be able to eat together every night of the week. But using it as a reference point in your decision-making will provide a valuable filter in saying yes or no to future opportunities.
4. Schedule time for yourself to be with them.
The most important influence in their life is you. You love them the most and know them the best. Too often, we take this for granted and just assume we will find quality time with them as we go our separate ways. But quality time does not occur without the presence of quantity time.
5. Leave space between events.
A spaced-out calendar is more enjoyable than one crammed too tight. In your weekly calendar, create space. Sometimes, this may mean waking early or eating early to relieve the anxiety of rushing out the door. Other times (vacations for example), this may display itself by scheduling one less activity each day—or adding “walk to the bakery” instead.
6. Develop a family, weekly routine.
Help your kids navigate their schedules by establishing a weekly schedule. Some scheduled events are difficult to move: school, sports practices, religious activities. Others are more flexible: weekly chores, bathing schedules, play dates. Intentionally establish a family routine that children can learn to rely on each week.
7. Reduce your personal commitments.
Embrace the seasons of life. There are times in our lives when we are more available than others. Raising young children is an important responsibility and will require time. Provide yourself with the necessary space to do it well by removing less-important commitments from your personal schedule. You’ll be glad you did. You can never get the time back once it’s gone.
8. Own less stuff.
It is difficult to recognize how much time and energy our possessions take from us. They require our attention to be cleaned, organized, managed, maintained, repaired, and removed—not to mention all the time we spend on the front end just to make the money to buy the item in the first place. Owning less means less burden, less stress, less anxiety, and less time spent caring for it.
9. Leave room to add.
If our schedules are so full with no room for margin, there is little opportunity to add something new or something better (whether that be joining a gym, getting to know the neighbors, or handling a family crisis). A too-full calendar leaves no room for addition. As you consider the coming months, take the bold step of actually under-scheduling your family calendar. This will provide margin when something better comes along.
Wise parents take their role seriously. They seek to develop talents, skills, and self-sufficiency in their children. However, they realize this does not occur best within the confines of a cluttered schedule.
Busy is not the same as productive. (tweet that)
Meryl @ Simple Family Home says
Really interesting and thought provoking stuff, thank you. At five and one our kids don’t have any extra-curricular activities: we feel like school takes enough energy out of our five year old. While there might be evidence that physical activity improves IQ, you don’t have to go to a scheduled soccer game to do that! Running around in the garden or walking over to the local playground are presumably just as good :)
Robin says
Edit: baseball and soccer games…
Robin says
As a young mom with 3 kids I ran around by myself, I was exhausted all summer with baseball and softball games. The following year I told the kids, one sport per summer each…thankfully they all picked baseball, but it was still rough running them all around to their games. At least it didn’t last all summer long though. I did it for me as much as for them; I wanted to enjoy at least part of the summer not having to run them all over.
Vivian says
As a high school sophomore, I’d say that I can feel the pressure to do things. My friends who stay up until 2am doing homework because they had sports practice and play rehearsal wear it like a badge of honor. I’m considered one of the more laid back people at my school. This summer alone, I’m running 5 days a week and cross-training 1-2 days a week (for the upcoming cross country season), taking piano lessons (once a week, plus practicing for an hour each day), tutoring twice a week, attending my church’s mass and youth group, and doing summer work for English and AP Drawing. On top of that I want to be able to hang out with my friends, go to a concert, and spend a couple weeks on vacation with my family. It amazes me that my schedule is considered “relaxed” for this summer, and my mother was asking me why I wasn’t doing anything over the summer! I feel like there’s too much pressure to make yourself busy, as if business leads to productivity. Everyone around me seems to have a mindset that if they schedule a lot to do, they’ll get a lot done. I view it differently. I’d rather spend 3 hours doing an assignment for school and doing it thoroughly and at a relaxed pace, then rush through it in 30 minutes only so I can have more time to do some activity I don’t enjoy that much.
Debbie Foster says
You are wise beyond your years! I am a retired high school English teacher who has seen the same activities you have described. Life is far too short to continue with busyness for the sake of others’ approval. I subscribe to Thoreau’s view of a happy and successful life. Having said that, I must admit that I continue to teach part time at a Boys and Girls Club (where I see stressed overscheduled children all the time). I wish you much joy as you continue your life’s journey.
Vivian says
As a child, I remember my happiest and most nostalgic moments were unstructured. The time when my neighbors and I decided to create the “world’s longest hop scotch” and spent all Saturday afternoon drawing on the sidewalk. The time when I would walk to the bakery after school and buy a treat. The time when a few of the kids in my neighborhood gathered together to play games we would make up before dinner. The time when a simple trip to the store turned into a whole day of play with a friend simply because I ran into them and hey, I had the time. These were the moments of my childhood that I remember most fondly. I have to heartily agree that unstructured play is just important than organized activities. Granted, that time is only valuable if it’s not spent doing mindless activities such as watching TV.
Beth says
I just recently had a conversation with a family member who was encouraging me to get my youngest involved in a sport. She suggested a sport that with practices and games would consume many nights of the week. We are a large family and he is very young, yet I still walked away from the conversation “feeling” as though I was doing a disservice to my son, whom I don’t even know if he would enjoy the activity or not. I think there are so many factors to think about when exploring outside activities, such as ages of the children, family size, interests, and overall family goals.
Katie O'Brien says
Another great post! I love how you’re granting permission for today’s parents to slow down and do less… and in turn teach their children less is okay. My daughter is only 2 and have occasionally felt pressured into enrolling her into the many available extracurricular activities for babies and toddlers. But I’ve been living an intentionally simple life and love our quiet, flexible schedule too much. We have a great routine but also the freedom we needs.
“In our noisy, busy world, the importance of developing the life skill of solitude, meditation, and quietly being with oneself can not be overstated.” — spot on!!
John says
Great post! Planning to print it out and put it on the refridgerator for everyone to read.
One point I’d like to elaborate on, though. It’s not just the activities outside of school that can overfill a student’s calendar. I have a senior in high school planning a career in engineering whose planning to start the next semester with a course schedule and extra-curricular list that includes three choir groups, marching band, concert band, wrestling and volunteering for the school moon buggy competition. And only one of those is remotely related to his future career. That doesn’t even include the two advanced math courses, science, English, etc. that he has to take.
Needless to say, I have to step in and cool his jets a bit. But I just wanted to make the point that school can contribute just as much to frantic schedules as non-school activities – and in similarly distracting, unpurposeful ways – when careful attention isn’t paid.
Linda says
Such a great post! I have minimized my life over the past decade and I feel so much better! I am happier, more energetic and healthier. You have a wonderful blog, thank you so much for sharing.
Susan Lasky says
Wonderful post. It is so critical to have balance… and downtime. Many adults need to learn this for themselves, not just their children. We live in a world of over-commitment. I like Emily’s conscious decision to build ‘slack in the system.’
I often speak to both my coaching clients and to groups on the power to say ‘no’ so we can say ‘yes’ to what really matters. When our children are constantly scheduled, they lose opportunities to discover what ‘free’ time really means, in the best sense of that term. Whenever we say ‘yes’ to something, we are making a choice to say ‘no’ to something else. Busy doesn’t mean productive, nor does it mean fulfilled.