Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Rachel Macy Stafford of Hands Free Mama.
My family recently went kayaking in a marsh during my children’s spring break. As we paddled out of the marina, I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful boats bobbing up and down against the docks. They reminded me of a painful time in my life when I dreamed of being on a boat, sailing away from it all. It also reminded me of what anchored me.
During a maxed-out two-year period of my life, I was a pressure cooker just waiting to blow. Running on a constant loop in my head was the phrase, “It’s just too much … it’s all just too much.”
A great deal of the “too much” was self imposed—unachievable standards, relentless distractions, and an overabundance of commitments. At the time, I didn’t realize the choices I was making were causing this constant feeling of overwhelm. I only knew that carrying the weight of “too much” made me want to escape.
One night, after overreacting towards my family over a trivial issue, I made it all the way out to the car. I was in my pajamas, and I shivered as my barefoot stepped on the gas pedal.
But I could not leave.
I went back inside to get my children. I gathered them up, one in each arm. I remember how they cried in confusion and fear. I made it to the door and realized I could not leave without my husband either. And I could not leave without my beloved calico cat. I could not leave my people.
That’s when it dawned on me: they were not the problem. They were easy targets for my stress and frustration, but they were not the problem. The problem was the constant weight of “too much.”
Slowly, one by one, I began to scale back on my commitments. I lowered the bar. I learned how to say no. I stopped depriving myself of sleep in the name of productivity. I turned my phone on silent during vital connection times of the day. I stopped being accessible to the world so I could be accessible to those who were my world.
A tremendously helpful strategy to becoming more intentional with my time and energy was to ask myself three questions daily:
1) Does the amount of time and attention I currently offer to my family convey they are a top priority in my life?
2) Does my current schedule allow for time spent simply being all there with my loved ones?
3) Do I have any extracurricular commitments or time-wasting distractions I could eliminate in order to spend a few minutes of special time today with my child or spouse?
The answers to these three questions helped me realize something quite powerful: I could not control all the circumstances of my life, but I could control some. (tweet that)
I could not let go of all my extracurricular commitments, but I could let go of some. I could not say no to every outside request asked of me, but I could say no to some. I could not rid myself of all modern day distractions, but I could choose to designate pockets of time in which to turn off the world and engage with the people who mattered most to me.
And that’s exactly what I did. I started small, but every time I turned off the worldly pressures, the daily distractions, and the societal expectations and turned toward my family, my heart felt like it was right where it was supposed to be.
The more I chose my heart, and not what mattered to the rest of the world, the more peace I felt within.
I’ll be the first to admit I continue to be a work-in-progress. Finding that balance of work and life can be tricky. There are times when my family and I are flying on a plane, and the sight of a boat causes me to imagine my escape.
I’ll dream of a life with wind in my hair—no demands, no requests, no duties, no plan. My breathing is steady; the muscles in my shoulder aren’t tight; my skin is clear. They’re no emails to answer, no work deadlines to meet, no bills to pay, no expectations of me whatsoever—there is just sunshine, stacks of books, and the lull of the water.
Something always pulls me back from my reverie—my husband touches my leg or one of my children says, “Hey, Mom.” And just like that, my “sail away” moment is over.
That’s when I turn and see the faces of my beloved people. That’s when I give thanks for my “anchor moments”—moments that have shaped me into the most authentic, truest, best version of me … moments that have inspired me to ask hard questions and find peace right where I’m at.
***
Rachel reaches millions through her blog, Hands Free Mama. She is the New York Times bestselling author of Hands Free Mama and Hands Free Life. Her latest work of heart, ONLY LOVE TODAY, offers bite-size encouragement for busy individuals yearning to anchor themselves in love despite everyday distractions, pressures, and discord.
Linda Unwin says
My two favourite people!!! Joshua and Rachel, you are both so wise and so inspiring. You have that “I’ve been there and I understand” way of connecting to people. I have learned so much from both of you. I share every post of both of you that I can as you have shared so much of yourselves to those of us who are drowning … in physical stuff, emotional stuff, mental stuff. I cannot thank you both enough for the wonderfulness you have added to so many of our lives. But, … thank you.
Laura Sue Shaw says
Great questions to make sure we are living into our priorities!
I recently had to make a change in answering #3 – the Facebook app on my phone was distracting me far too much. So I deleted it. I meant for it to just be a one or two-day thing, but that was over a week ago and I haven’t re-installed it. I found that getting rid of that distraction was refreshing and allowed me to focus more on my family and the work I love.
Jeffrey Pillow says
This very line (“1. Does the amount of time and attention I currently offer to my family convey they are a top priority in my life?”) is a question I asked myself about four months ago, and what a change it made for the better.
My energy was maxed out and my stress level through the roof, in large part because of work (in a job I love, but is nonetheless intensely demanding of mental resources) and other distractions I then added to my life to essentially distract me from thinking about work when I wasn’t at work.
One day, as I sat scrolling through Twitter, my kids in front of me playing, I realized how not present I had become. Sure, I had minimized most of my physical excess, but the mental clutter was still in large part a giant wall to climb and then knock down in my life.
I abandoned all social media (Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn) and even block access to the Internet most days, and I haven’t looked back. My wife has followed a similar routine, including getting rid of Facebook, after reading your book Hands Free Mama: A Guide…
Now I feel truly present in my children’s lives and it is such a blessing. We go on bike rides or nature walks as a family daily now. And with each step, I breathe with the art of mindfulness and no longer feel suffocated.
Jill says
Excellent article! Made me realize why I have more peace than a lot of my friends. I DO silence my flip phone at times, and even refuse to join the smart phone culture because I don’t want to be frenzied like they are. And I say no when the week is stacking up to be too busy. I will share this article with them!
laura ann says
Jill, I am a flip phone user. make short brief calls, don’t like to be on the home phone much either. We usually let it go to the answering machine. Smart phone users are tethered and on the phone a lot and seem stressed. Also most are on social media which I avoid. As retirees, we are not involved in any civic or other activities since we are no longer “joiners”. Reason is a handful do all the work/fund raising and the majority only attend for a social outlet. We donate to local charities. Spend time reading and enjoy outdoor activities.
Kristen says
I think you’ve summed up my last two years as well. It’s been an eye opening journey of taking on too much and trying to keep my head above water. Thank you for the questions to ask a so important!
Tony W says
“No” has become such a beautiful word. Oprah Winfrey says it is a complete sentence.
Like you I had to decide who I would prefer to sever. The choice was obvious for me also ;-)
Stephanie says
This statement — “I stopped being accessible to the world so I could be accessible to those who were my world.” That is exactly where I’m at right now. I’m in the process of decreasing my outside-the-home commitments so I can focus on my children and family.
Roberta Freire says
Couldn’t agree more! :)
Chris Hufnagel says
Great questions! They really make you think. The hard questions are almost always worth answering.
Here are my answers:
1. No. The way this question is worded is perfect. Makes it quite clear. I have some work to do.
2. Yes, it does! I work for myself. Time to make some adjustments.
3. Yes, I do. They need to go. I have gotten better recently, but still more room for improvement.
Thank you for the great questions! I have some work to do.
Chris
Nancy says
Wonderful….. for years we have thought that we need to deal with constant ‘busyness’. It is so good that some people are rethinking that.
littleblackdomicile blogger says
Love the phase “anchor moments”! We use the word anchor in our design projects. Meaning the foundation…physically and mentally. Our homes are the best places for the “anchor moments”!-Laurel Bledsoe