Note: This is a guest post by Emma Scheib of Simple Slow & Lovely.
Embarking on a decluttering and minimizing endeavor can be difficult. In fact, it can be downright scary at times. This is because minimalism isn’t just about your stuff—it’s also about your why. Why you accumulated so much in the first place. And this is a difficult encounter for anyone.
Once upon a time, I was a shopaholic. Uncomfortable in my own skin, I attempted to reclothe myself in whatever the latest fashion was, choosing clothes as a second skin to boost my confidence. In my early twenties, purchasing one or two new items of clothing a week was pretty normal.
And although I always felt great in a new outfit, the feeling never lasted. The temporary boost of confidence was just replaced by a bulging wardrobe. When I decided to minimize my possessions a few years ago the thought of working through these piles of clothing I’d accumulated was overwhelming.
Because it wasn’t just the clothes I had to sort through.
If I wanted to make a lasting change to a tidier, smaller wardrobe, I had to deal with why I’d accumulated so much in the first place. And as it turns out, my why was connected to my self-worth. The reason I found solace in shiny new things was that they made me feel accepted.
Acceptance of myself has never come easy and the lack of it stems from my start to life. Being given up for adoption at birth is something that has always tainted my worldview.
At the heart of many shopping trips was my limbic brain response to being given away. It was my inner baby, clawing at something, anything to prove my right to exist. If I looked good, I would be wanted, and not discarded.
Underneath our piles of belongings, we hide fears, loneliness, and insecurities. Behind a bulging wardrobe and piles of shoes, a fear of never being loved or even liked might be lurking. Beneath a pile of impulse homeware purchases, an overwhelming anxiety might be hiding.
Clutter and excess are rarely the root of a problem, they are the result. Even worse, the clutter compounds the problem, causing further stress and anxiety.
This is important to understand.
We can declutter all we want, making our homes magazine-worthy, but until we yank out the roots of what’s caused us to accumulate stuff in the first place, we’ll have little chance of making a permanent change. We’ll just wind up back at square one, surrounded by stuff that adds no value to our lives. A kind of decluttering Groundhog Day.
You can make a permanent change in your life, to minimize your belongings, but only if you deal with the roots.
Where does one start?
Identify Your Emotions
Begin by noticing what you feel when you reach for your credit card. Awareness of the driving forces behind these purchases is an important first step. It took me awhile to realize that I was trying to fill emotional spaces when I went shopping. But once I named the emotions, it became easier to forgo shopping trips.
It might take months of just noticing the reasons you accumulate before you feel ready to make changes. But when you do…
Engage With Your Emotions as You Declutter
At the heart of my bulging wardrobe was pain from feeling unworthy. I had to engage with this pain and move through it as I decluttered. This doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel the pain. But now that I’ve recognized this emotion as a trigger, I’m less likely to add to my wardrobe and find it easier to simplify.
What do you feel looking at your piles of belongings?
Do you feel anxious? Anxiety about what you might need in a hypothetical future will stop you in your decluttering tracks. People hold onto items ‘just in case’, thinking they won’t be able to afford to replace it if they need it again. This is where community toy and tool libraries can help. When our girls are done with their toys, I donate them rather than keeping them for the grandchildren. I know when that time arrives, I can visit the toy library instead of the attic.
Do you feel lonely? If your trigger to purchasing (or keeping) items is loneliness, try connecting with others. Many of us are surrounded by people but still feel incredibly alone. Make a phone call to someone whose voice you need to hear. Ask someone to join you on your daily walk or meet someone for coffee. Ironically, the upkeep of these piles of belongings is often what keeps us from making and keeping meaningful connection with others.
Do you feel stressed and overwhelmed? Some of us have lived decades without curating our possessions. In our never-ending busyness, we lack time and energy to spring clean, let alone declutter. Find a way to drop one or two things off your to-do list and calendar this week. Decluttering does take time, but you can find it if you’re intentional.
Take Care of Yourself
Whatever it is that’s hiding under your piles of clutter, tread carefully. Take the best care of yourself possible during this process. Take regular breaks to do things that fill you back up. It might be reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a long walk. These difficult emotions, the pain, the insecurities, the worry and the sadness, they need your tender loving care as you move them gently aside.
I’ve gone through several large purges of my possessions over the last few years. I’ve swept through my home twice, each time getting rid of over 500 items. And last year, when we prepared to rent our house out, I took several car loads to our recycling center. Each time, the process got easier. Each time, I’m a little more confident and a little less fearful of looking under the rug to check what’s hiding.
I’m inching my way towards a curated and intentional life with less of what I don’t need and more of what I want.
As I’ve become more aware of my insecurities and found other ways to cope with difficult emotions, it’s become easier to let go of things. I don’t need a new outfit for every occasion. I’m happy shopping at my local thrift shops and wearing well-worn favorites. I’ve survived the long-haul of decluttering because I’ve looked after myself in the process.
And my sum total of 6 pairs of shoes? Feels like one too many.
***
Emma Scheib blogs at Simple Slow & Lovely. She is a self-confessed introvert who craves the simple and slow things in life. You can also find her on Facebook.
The second I read “Adopted” …. something clicked inside of me. I, too, was adopted at birth and always wondered why I wasn’t good enough to keep when my bio mom had more kids right after me. My family spoiled me rotten, so I was used to having those new shiny things to cover up the feelings. I get it now. Here’s to an easier time on my decluttering journey.
I felt the same about this beautiful article. I love finding in your article what I have been missing : I am only child and my parents divorced, remarried and have steps children after marriage. For fear of loneliness I emptied my pocket money at young age and run to houses and now became a real estate agent , something I enjoy doing in all my life with reason and no regrets.
I find it so sad when kids given up feel it is because they are not good enough. This is so not true.
I worked in OB. The moms who gave their babies up, did it for the baby. They wanted a better life for them. The ones who kept had rooms full of young visitors there to see the new toy.
My friend gave her baby up. I asked her when about 8 months along if she was eager to have the baby. She said no. As long as the baby was in her, she was below her heart and near to her. She loved her baby but wanted the best for her.
She married and had more children. But she never forgot the baby she gave up.
Now that daughter has reconnected with her and they love one another.
It is the mature and caring moms who give up. And it is probably the hardest thing they ever do.
My friend’s mother has left her and her brother a note before departing saying they will be beautiful people. She knew and wished it. Her adopted father had no problem leaving it all behind . Both died of old age. The letter stayed with her brother because it meant more to him . I believe it had pictures of them that they never discarded but kept ever since .
Great post! Thanks. I can relate to it completely, and love your insights.
I am retired and have been Minimalist since 2012. This lifestyle really works well for me. I have so much more space in my 500 square foot retirement apartment. I feel free and so happy! I do have to keep myself in check though. I too was shopaholic online. Bought something new almost every week! It was easy when working but now I cannot afford to shop like that. I love it. Thanks for the article.
Hi Toni! You are very welcome. This website is great for a check in when we feel things getting out of control again.
So are you, Emma. I found myself very creepy for sending you this. But only hope for positive result. Can’t wait to read your next post?
I fill a bag with recycling every day. If something comes in, something goes out. I have sold or given away bags and bags of dishes, books, and clothes. My daughter has way too much stuff and every week we pull 5 or 6 garbage bags full of books and clothes out of her apartment. All of my clothes fit into 2 small suitcases. She needs to get rid of towels, blankets, and toiletries.
That is such a great rule Tina! One in, one out.
I can imagine the insecurities that might come with having been adopted…..the wondering about why you weren’t good enough to keep, why you were given away. I wasn’t adopted. I was an unplanned pregnancy and my parents got married because of me. I was left with my paternal grandparents as my father pursued his doctorate and my mother her bachelors degree. They would come and get me during semester breaks. But my grandparents were the solid, stable ground that I put down roots in and where I grew and thrived. My mother left the first time when I was not quite three and left for good when I was not quite four. I didn’t see or hear from her again until I was seventeen. My father came and took me away from my grandparents when I was five and moved us a couple of states away. He met and married a woman twelve years his junior. She was only fourteen years older than myself, one of ten children and with a sister my age and a brother younger than me. She would have been happier had my father sent me back to my grandparents. I would have happier too. My stepmother made her distaste for me very clear. No matter how hard I tried to please her, it was never enough. I remember overhearing her telling one of her sisters that there was something wrong with me, that I was not normal. Growing up in that household was an attack on my self worth every day.
So, abandoned by my mother twice, ripped away from the loving security of my grandparents and being forced to live with a stepmother whose feelings for me went from barely concealed distaste and disdain to barely concealed hatred. Yep, I had a truckload of insecurities and my feelings of self worth were almost zero. When I got married, I began filling my home with things that felt like my grandparents home….things that reminded me of a time and place where I felt loved and accepted, of people who thought I was smart and special and pretty. Those things became my security blanket. It took many, many years before I was able to understand WHY I was such a magpie….it was insulation.
Hurricane Katrina was the impetus that started my decluttering. So many people had lost everything that they had and here I was, literally tripping over excess stuff. Three truckloads left my house. Then Hurricane Lily hit. Two more truckloads left my house. I’ve been decluttering my home and my heart and my brain for over a decade now and I’m almost there….almost at the Goldilocks “just right” point.
To everyone who is struggling to declutter, find the WHY. Once you’ve found the WHY and you start removing some of your “insulation”, you might find yourself getting a little chilly and backsliding a bit…and that’s perfectly normal. For some of us it’s a two steps forward, one step back process. I’m almost at “just right” and it’s been a long journey to get here but it’s worth every single step I’ve taken! It’s liberating! It’s exhilarating! You don’t realize how much stress all of that excess stuff causes you until it’s gone. I feel like I can take a deep breath now. I hope everyone else in this journey finds their point of “just right, just enough” .
Wow!! Your journey has been incredible. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share it with us.
I love your idea of ‘just right’. I do think we can get to that point, but I wonder if i’ll be on the journey to slowing down and simplifying for as long as I live, due to the world/culture we live in. Busy and driven by consumerism.
Thank you again for sharing AND encouraging others, your story is inspirational.
I am so hopeful after reading these comments. I try to minimize, but fail. I am not a quitter, and will keep trying because I truly believe in this. Thank you all for your encouragement.
JoAnn! You are trying and that is the main thing. Don’t be discouraged! Take one small step at a time. Its the only way to build something that will last. You’ll be on this journey for life… try and enjoy the journey and don’t concentrate too much on the destination.
I believe in you!
Dear Emma, I believe in you because it was helpful that you share with us your painful past. I am very proud of your beauty inside. Thank you for for this gift and post. Much love
My take on minimalism is this – be content with what you have. Be thankful in all things. Look beyond the material. Life was given for a great purpose. In this world everything is temporal. Use this temporal existence to achieve the essential and eternal. Be less, be small, be simple, be low. For in reality we are but dust and nothing. Thus to be minimal, to a minimum. A minimalist.
Great words Peter. Being content with what we have is so hard sometimes but hugely rewarding when we can be. And the idea that everything is tempory is also a game-changer!
The more I read about minimalism and decluttering, I realize me and decluttering has been going on for three years. There is nothing natural about the process of decluttering, but it now has lead me to minimalism. The benefits; more time, clearer thinking, liking to living myself; outweigh the struggles. I so look forward to reaching a higher level of my minimalistic life that is now
entering into my eating healthier.
I LOVE MY LIFE❗❗ Thank you.
That’s fantastic Jan! There are so many benefits and I suspect the just keep increasing the longer you are on this path xo
Thank you Emma for your honesty and beautifully written article. Hmmm, yes, I can see my underlying emotion jumping out at me from your article. Now to address it! xx
Hi Stephanie! Thanks for your kind words about the article. I’m so pleased you can see your own underlying emotion. That’s the best starting point xo
I personally have a bit of a shopping problem.
I don’t buy things all the time, but maybe I’d buy something fashion related (like a dress or a watch) once every two weeks. I don’t need these things anymore. I have about thirty dresses and about twelve watches.
I feel like I have a problem with it.
My finances are still fine, but I think I just have too much stuff. But I still feel the urge to buy more.
So this post really is useful for me. I’ll probably have to do some deep thinking and figure out where this urge to keep buying is coming from.
It’s just so tempting.
Maybe it’s because i used to be overweight and now I’m thinner the clothes just look good on me, so i want to buy it? I dunno.
Hi Sally,
I know this temptation well. Especially if we feel that finances aren’t an issue. Great job beginning the questioning of why you keep making these purchases though.
:-)
I used buying things while wanted people attention and caring affection…with the help of a trusted friend in life we walked through the path giving more attention to the difference between the things we buy and the attention we care more about. Always.
I am so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start I thought YouTube for instructions on how to get rid of clutter and I just get more more depressed
Hi Kelly,
It can be extremely overwhelming and I feel your pain! But there’s not really any easy way around it. Just start with one small step. Even a tiny step (one drawer, or one shelf) will be good. You’ll eventually gain a little momentum. And there’ll be ebbs and flows… 2 steps forward and 4 back. But keep coming here for encouragement and you’ll get there! I believe in you xo
Kelly, I used to feel the same way. So. Much. Stuff. For me reading ‘The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ really helped me. I felt like it finally gave me permission to get rid of so much of the stuff I had been hanging on to. It has been liberating. After the first big sweep I am still getting rid of things but it is so much easier now.
Thanks Patricia. Yes, that book is very helpful. I would also recommend Joshua’s book, Simplify as a great starting place. It’s super affordable and gives you 7 principles to help declutter :-) I also enjoyed the Art of Discarding by Nagisa Tatsumi.
Divorcing after a 30 year marriage, I was forced to seriously de-clutter and downsize all the accumulated stuff, both mine and his. My income decreased and my living arrangements were much smaller. I found I had lots of collections of stuff that were important to me, but that no one else wanted. Lots of it was outdated and everyone wanted the latest and newest. I donated most of it.
I became a minimalist out of necessity, then. And that was 15 years ago. I don’t have to be one now, and now I am a minimalist because I prefer to be this, almost as a spiritual practice. It was a very freeing experience to own almost nothing back then and I found that I can survive very happily with a minimal amount of stuff. I am free of the cultural norm and it feels so good. Now I can afford to buy all the stuff I would like to have, and I suppose that feels good. But it feels much better to desist buying and owning lots of things that I don’t really need.
Hi Anne,
Thanks for reading and commenting :-) That would have been a huge job after 30 years!
What an amazing feeling knowing now that you are choosing minimalism because you prefer it. I love that you refer to it as a spiritual practice. I wholeheartedly agree!
xo
Beautiful article – thank you Emma. I definitely find my accumulation habit stems from poor feelings of self worth. In fact as I minimise and unearth more about my “why”, I’m allowing myself to open my heart to new experiences and times with my people that allow me feel like I am so worth it!
Hi Michelle! Thanks for reading and i’m so glad you enjoyed it. Uncovering our why is critical to this work so good on your for unearthing it… it’s hard work! xo
I compulsively shopped because I was teased and tormented at school. Low self-esteem has dogged me for most of my life. It’s only now in my 50’s that I’ve been able to feel more comfortable within myself and stop overshopping. I am gradually releasing the material things that I bought to feel better about myself and keeping only those favorite items that I enjoy wearing/using regularly.
Hi Tara,
I’m sorry to hear of the bullying that occurred for you :-( That must have been very difficult to live through and it’s completely understandable that you found shopping to be an outlet.
I’m glad to hear you are becoming more comfortable in your own skin. I wonder if age has something to do with it too? I’m almost 40 and care less every year what other people think of me and more about what I think of myself!
Best wishes for the rest of your journey to letting go of what you don’t need and embracing what you do.
Emma
P.S. You are an awesome amazing human being no matter what has been said, or is said about you xo
Beautiful and meaningful article, no matter what anyone says. The one who condemns you for “blaming” adoption is shortsighted and off base. You were talking about YOUR feelings, not condemning adoption; obviously she was not able to pick up on that. Please continue writing and sharing your articles. I found immense benefit from your article. Thank you.
Thanks for your kind words about the article Sally, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
And yes, I will continue writing and sharing!
I’m working out of town for 6 weeks, and staying in a giant home, rather than my microhome… it’s crazy, I’m less tidy, there’s clutter everywhere and it’s driving me crazy after one week. I have to adapt to my new circumstances, but it’s not my space and not my stuff…
I too was a clothes-a-holic, so I really relate to that part of your story. Embarking on Project 333 was how I tackled it at first, and it was very overwhelming, but changed so many things in my life! Thanks for sharing
Thanks Ola! Good on you for doing Project 333, that’s not an easy feat! I haven’t officially done that as I’d pared back by clothing long before I discovered the program. However after spending far too long sifting through my 4-year-old’s clothes this morning I may just apply it to her!!!
Best wishes for the remainder of your time away from home!
I was adopted and always looked at it in a more positive light. My teenage unwed mother loved me so much she wanted better than what she could provide. What selfless LOVE. Knowing this made me feel special. Loved by my bioligical mother who loved beyong herself and loved by adoptive parents who chose me to love. Thanks for sharing your story.
I can completely relate to what the author says. Adoption even into the best of homes and most loving families can and does affect adoptees in the ways the author describes. I applaud her for speaking her truth. Society wants to lean towards only painting adoption in a positive light and more and more adoptees are finding their voices and speaking out as to how it has emotionally affected them. Their voices should not be silenced and their stories discounted by someone else alternative view. Let them speak and let’s just listen.
Thanks for your support Carolyn. And yes, I agree with the way society would prefer to have adoption portrayed!
Hi Beth!
I’m so glad you have seen your adoption in such a positive light. That’s amazing. I completely agree with you, it is an act of selfless love to give away your baby in hopes of a better home. I know there are other choices she could have made which would mean I wouldn’t exist. So I’m very grateful for that. I was also very lucky to have met her and we now (my adoptive parents included) have a lovely warm ongoing relationship with her and my birth grandmother.
I am also very glad to acknowledge that this is where much of my pain and self-esteem issues have stemmed from. I actually find freedom in knowing and being able to act accordingly!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting Beth.
xo
I “bought” for years because I felt I had no chance to make choices about what I wanted my life to be. Being brought up in the 50’s meant believing that first your parents ruled you, then your husband. I was always living where someone else wanted me to as well as driving the car, doing the work, and vacationing where others wanted. I finally found my strength to step out of “that box” and do what pleases me!!
Hi Jill,
Thanks for reading and commenting. It’s great that you know your ‘why’ for making all the purchases, and well done on finding that strength. It’s not easy, particularly when we’ve lived a certain way for many years!
xo
Great article Emma. Thank you. Really liked the actionable strategies about uncovering the emotions that are driving the behaviour. Ref Meredith’s comments about adoption above. I did not infer from your post that you were ‘condemning adoption’. I learned that YOU as an individual were able to name some insecurities you felt about adoption and having done this you were able to move forward in your own life. – well done. I was not adopted and there are different reasons that drive my cluttering. I feel your article will be very useful at helping me find the emotions associated with MY clutter and work through them. Thanks again
Hi Helen. Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad to play a part in helping you figure out the emotions behind your ‘stuff’. Best wishes on your journey to minimizing!