It is difficult for me to articulate how blessed and thankful I am for my past. My parents love me, love each other, and love life. They provided me with stability, security, acceptance, and love. They continue to provide the same even today.
My grandparents could be described in the same way. All four of them were faithful to each other, faithful to God, and involved in my life growing up. Two of them are still alive today—and continue to be a part of my life.
The education I received was valuable. A private Christian school in South Dakota for elementary, a public school in North Dakota for high school, a four-year university in Nebraska for my Bachelor’s degree, and a four-year private university in Minnesota for my Master’s degree.
I am thankful for a mind that allowed school to come easy and a body that allowed me to participate in sports.
In high school, I met Kimberly. Shortly after graduating college, we married—20 years ago. And I couldn’t be happier. She is loving and patient and selfless and kind and beautiful. She has supported me every step of the way and I hope I’ve done justice in supporting her.
I have never worked a job I did not find fulfilling. I am thankful for the men and women who offered opportunities and mentorship along the way.
My two kids are 16 and 13. Both are healthy, do well in school, participate in extracurricular activities, are active at church, and have close friends they can rely on.
Not every day of my life has been perfect, certainly not. To live is to suffer strife and trials of every kind. But in almost every imaginable way, my life until now has been richly blessed.
I am thankful for my past, but I am not moving in that direction. My past has been lived and can never be re-lived.
Forward is the only direction we can live our lives.
This is true whether our past is something we want to remember or something we want to forget.
If our past was difficult, we learn from it. We redeem our past mistakes by learning from them. And we overcome wrongs committed against us by serving others and vowing to chart a different path forward for ourselves.
If our past was positive, we honor it most by living our best life in the current season and the next.
This is something we need to be reminded of often. It is easy, over the course of life, to collect more and more possessions from previous seasons of life: objects that were passed on to us by our parents, things that were used by our children when they were young, or items that signify accomplishments in life and career. Items that, by nature, represent the past—whether it be a season of life, a relationship, an accomplishment, or an experience we want to remember.
But the possessions we keep should represent the person we are trying to become, not the person we were.
Sometimes we think we’re honoring our departed loved ones by keeping their stuff, but let’s ask ourselves if they would want us to be burdened by their belongings. Doubtful. The best way to honor those who loved us is to live our best life possible, not to be weighed down by their things.
In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.
You may have loved mothering young kids, for example, and look back on those days with great fondness. But if your kids have grown and have families of their own, you are in a new stage of life and should embrace it fully. Holding on to a lot of mementos of motherhood and longing for those days may be hindering you from fully entering into the potential of your new time of life.
Minimizing possessions from our past is not a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. It is the most honoring thing we can do. Because no matter how sweet the memories, our lives are not moving in that direction.
Just because something brought you joy in the past doesn’t mean you should carry it forever. (tweet that)
About Joshua Becker
“In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.” – yes!
It’s funny, I look back on the years I spent at home raising kids and homeschooling, baking muffins, tending to hearth & home – and I think it was my favorite season of life.
But now, as I grow a purposeful business, do more writing, and two of my kids are young adults. As my husband and I begin the process of growing old together and know each other more deeply than ever before – I think this is my favorite season of life.
Joshua, thank you so much for this.
Thank you for this article. I will refer to it often for a while. It will be helping me through a difficult time.
I have a box in the garage full of things that belonged to my husband, who died too young at age 39 from cancer. He left me with four children to finish raising, two of whom were very young. The younger two children now have very few memories left of their father, so I saved a few things that they could have one day; something concrete that they can touch, that belonged to him. For some reason, to be able to do this comforts me, whether they will want these items or not. (The thought of having something tangible to give to them that belonged to him comforts me.)
At the same time, I have to admit though, that these items also bring up the grief and pain for me all over again every time I look at them. I feel sad that most of the physical evidence from his whole life is summed up in that sad little box. Material things can bring incredible pain just by their presence, and it has freed me to let many of them go, except for that one box. (Because at first, it felt sacreligious to give away his things.) One day it just hit me, his things are not HIM! They are just things, and it’s not dishonoring to his memory to let go of them.
On another subject, now that I am a single mother, letting go of excess things and simplifying both things and life in general has been both necessary and incredibly freeing as well. For a long time I have felt deep inside that the way we live life in America is a little bit insane! Why do we think that we need all of this bigger and better stuff to be happy? And also, why are our expectations so huge? It’s impossible for me to keep up with the Jones as a single mother of four, and why should I? (I can’t even believe birthday parties these days! Sorry for judging, but bouncy castles and clowns for one year olds… really?) I feel like commercialism has taken over, and we have lost our common sense. To me, more stuff equals more cleaning, stress, and exhaustion, and less time, space, and money. I don’t want to serve my house and things, I want them to serve me.
Thank you, Joshua, and to everyone else out there like you who have started talking about these things, and for sharing your experiences with the world!
Your perspective on past and moving forward is very inspiring. I am meeting with family to identify, sort, and participate in the dissolution of my Mother and Fathers possessions in their large home….Mom did not allow previously, and has become incapacitated at 86, and now we face taking out all mementos. We want to prioritize the most valued items and remove/discard the rest. I will check your book for the best advice in order to do this.
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.
I really love this & find it very helpful. I think I’m going to write one for myself.
While I totally agree with not holding onto things for the sake of honouring loved ones, sometimes certain mementos keep people moving forward, particularly if they feel they have nothing left to look forward to. Everyone’s situation is different, some have suffered indescribably or have no family or friends and small objects of positivity from the past can keep them grounded with a reminder that there was a good time and there can be again. Just wanted to point that out. You don’t have to remove every item from your past. If something that brought you great joy still brings you great joy then I believe you should still hold onto it.
I can’t imagine what it is like to never have had a job that was unfulfilling. Despite my education, similar to what you describe, I have *only* had jobs that were unfulfilling — to say the least —and at “over 60” now I have lost everything (divorce and my personal attitude toward “stuff” and “things” not to mention a perhaps foolishly generous nature all my life) and have little to look forward to. No one will hire. I’m over-qualified, yet too “old” and out of the workforce too long. Still, I try, every day, to just keep going and not dwell on the past and any wrongs done unto me that led to all this. It is a minute-by-minute struggle. I could not have been more naive, I guess. It seems that for all my lifelong tendency to give “things” away (and assume I would be okay, or better) has in fact not turned out well. Will things improve? Unknown. Will there ever be fulfillment or a life purpose revelation? Unknown.
Time goes by. I try not to lose faith. I wanted to be able to travel. I can’t. I wanted to earn a decent wage for what everyone has insisted are great skills (advanced degrees, a strong writing background despite the lack of employment and compensation to reflect that, and many other talents that seem to be for nothing). The most I ever made was $15/hr. For three months. I don’t know why my life has been this way, I am a good person (I know, we all are) with a too-generous heart? Some of us never get that one pivotal break in life, I suppose. Disheartening. To say the least.
Still, I hope something happens. Something good, and unimaginable. I try to be open and keep hoping for a miracle or two. Fulfilling work for fulfilling pay? It’s harder to see it happening at this age, in these … circumstances.
“Something deep in the human heart breaks at the thought of a life of mediocrity.” — C.S. Lewis
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.
Thanks Joshua, a very timely reminder that living in the present moment does the most justice to the past. We honor the past by living our best in the present.
We can’t welcome in the new when we are still holding onto the old.
Joshua – this post today is so meaningful as my husband and I are ready to move in one week. We sold our large home and are moving to a fully furnished much smaller place.
Withnthe help of my daughter I threw away momentos from my two children, one of whom died as a young boy, plus boxes of his things from his room I saved after he died – 35 years ago. I threw away letters I’d saved from my mom, who wrote me weekly for the last 20 years of her life. And she’s been gone now for 22 years. I am in my early 70s and finally realized it is time to let these things go. It’s time to look ahead – not back. I have boxes of photos from my mom that she saved of her children and of her siblings. Most of those people are gone now. I’m still having a hard time deciding what to do with them. I reason – They did not originate with me so why am I keeping them. Yet it seems sacrilegious to destroy photos from the past of loved ones long gone. We have donated all our furniture and 90% of the content of our home. And we are under the gun to finish in a few days. This has been the hardest thing we ever had to do. And it sure has been an eye-opening experience.
The stuff that reminds you of the good stuff in the past is always the hardest to let go (I burned some of the stuff that didn’t have good memories associated, ha ha…surprisingly therapeutic way to deal with it, too!). Most of my clutter problems deal with saving something because I might need it in the future (and it’s perhaps not surprising then that I struggle a bit with anxiety, which is future-focused, rather than depression, which is past-focused).
Interesting read!
I salute your wonderful life! That is a lovely way for life to be lived- fully, committed, and with joy.
However, some of us had to deal with some very big issues when we were very young- divorce, deaths, impermanence, instability, illness; for us, it is harder to let go of the things that gave us hope or helped us to envision a life without the above mentioned problems. I find that I am viscerally attached to some of my possessions, as they are my only link to a long dead relative, friend or dream for my own life- most of which I find have frighteningly faded from my memory as time has worn on.
No, I am not my past, and I do not want to relive it, but I do not want to forget it, either. I miss the dreams that the mere act of staying afloat displaced, and I want to spur them on again.
I really understand what you are saying Reader Rita! I am trying to select a few things that remind me of “the dreams” and gave me “the anchor of hope” during those times, and releasing the rest. It’s a slow process, don’t beat yourself up over your decisions. And realize that some day, we may feel differently about the pieces, and then be able to pass them on.
Thank you, Joshua. This meant a lot to me.
One of your best postings! :)
Very good article I will read again and again to remind me. – My husband and I are in our mid- 60s and 7 years ago we gave away all our furniture and most possessions and turned to full time RVing. Best decision ever !!! Memorabilia are digital and so are important papers et. We live a minimalist life and focus on experiences with family and friends, healthy living and our Faith.
I agree with Gail and Maggie. I have a file for some of my kids drawings. On the other hand my son taught me a lesson. Growing up he was a gifted artist so I held on to many of the poster size art he made. He lives in another city and on his last visit I told him it was time for him to take his art home. He said sure – we had fun as went through it together. He culled some of it and then laid out the “keepers” on the ping pong table, took out his phone and took pictures of them, then gathered them all up, rolled them up and threw them out!! My chin fell! I’ve since been giving thought of taking pictures of furniture etc.. that I’ve inherite and getting rid of those pieces that just take room.
Thanks so much Gail for your reply. I truly appreciate you taking the time out to respond. :)
Blessings!
I could not agree more with this post. Sometimes minimalism can be its own tribute to lost loved ones!
This was really helpful. I struggle with the burden of “things saved” by previous generations. Thank you!
As I near the 50th anniversary of my beloved father’s passing, I weep at the thought that I only knew him as a child and so wish I had known him as adult. He passed away the day after my birthday. My memories of him are fading and, due to multiple concussions over the years, they are fading even faster. I cling to physical items of his, as well as those of other family members, fearing someday that I won’t remember them at all. My children never knew him and I doubt that they want any of the “family” items. I have been to counseling, but I just don’t know how to get beyond this.
It’s okay to keep things that bring you comfort or you find useful or beautiful~minimalism is only ridding yourself of the excess or things that weigh you down.
A hearty amen to Maggie’s comment.
Thank you to Maggie and Gail. Your thoughts really help.
This was a gift to read today; after a year of cleaning out my mom’s house, which was filled with 60 years of “memories”, I realized during the process just how little I wanted or needed to take home with me. I chose a few truly useful things that will bring her to mind daily, but the estate sale can pass on the rest of her stuff to others. Embracing the life ahead daily, and working at decluttering that which holds me back in my OWN home!
Just because something brought you joy in the past doesn’t mean you should carry it forever. (tweet that)
That is the only part I disagree with(for me, of course) the things from being a mother. All of the things (well, of course not ALL) my children have made for me over the years, they, in fact, STILL bring me joy. Every time I look at them. I smile so big. My heart swells up. These things bring me joy.
The rest I love. Especially the part about ” I am thankful for my past, but I am not moving in that direction”, I love that.
Thanks for writing all these books and articles. It is great motivation.
If they bring you joy, hang onto them. The idea of decluttering is to get rid of things that weigh you down. Some people enjoy reminiscing more than others, and neither person is wrong. You can feel joy looking at sentimental things and not be trapped in the past. We all tend to universalize whatever personality we ourselves are. If I feel burdened by things that belonged to my mother, then everyone must feel that. If I love looking at the artwork my kids did in first grade, then everyone must. Be who you are. But I think from your comment, you already know that.
Wow! As I sit here reading this, a person who holds estate sales is going through my belongings and pricing them. I recently had an accident and have been in a wheelchair, then a walker and now a cane. It was the 3rd time that I have been incapacitated within 6 months. The Lord speaks to me in 3’s, and this last time He really knocked me to my knees literally!
We moved here less than 2 years ago, and my husband passed away unexpectedly 6 weeks later. I have a large 4 bedroom house, a 2-acre yard, and a swimming pool to maintain (plus 2 goats), and will soon be 70. It took this last fall for me to accept the fact that I need to move on to the next season of my life, and I’m ready. I sold my house without even trying by mentioning it to one neighbor, found a lot in a garden home community, and will be moving to an apartment while my garden home is being built. In the meantime I am planning on getting rid of over half of my possessions! I was already motivated by the decluttering course, and this article is absolutely perfect for me to read today! Thank you, Joshua Becker!!!
I am touched by your story Marsha, thank you for sharing it with us. The later years of life are so often categorized by loss: loss of loved ones and physical abilities, just to name a few. But always remember, as my grandfather says, “The best fruit grows on the oldest trees.” There is not a doubt in my mind after this estate sale and move you will be freed up in ways you never dreamt imaginable to live your life to the fullest and to finish strong.
Thank you for writing this! For years I spent living in a museum of my great-grandmother’s & grandmother’s furniture. I’ve been letting it go & have noticed that my children are so much happier with less stuff. I still have a ways to go, but I’m making progress.
Joshua, this was a good read. Everything you wrote hit home, Thanks.
This came at the perfect time as I am again reviewing the things in my home. Some of them are creating a bit of anxiety but I keep avoiding them because of sentimental reasons and not even my sentimental reasons. It’s that I am expected to keep them and treasure them (but I don’t). I keep hearing, “What, you gave away your grandmother’s ———!” or “Why did you get rid of all your baby clothes?” So I will remember this article as I begin to look at these items and clear some space for joy and eliminate the anxiety. Thanks!!
I have for a longtime ascribed to the philosophy not ro look backwards.,.that is not where I am going. My upbringing was filled with strife and abuse that impacted the relationships I had with grandparents, parents and siblings..but finding my faith in the Lord opened my heart to forgiveness and the ability to let go of the hurts and stuff that was holding me back from God’s plan for me. I have embraced the many aspects that minimalism (in all of life’s journeys) teaches. It is something that I pray on for my siblings and friends. Keep up your amazing calling Joshua.
I’m having trouble getting rid of the baby stuff. 😕
CW, don’t beat yourself up. My babies are 42 and 39 years old. I still have some baby things. These items don’t keep me in the past, they honor my past…I smile when I touch them and remember. I doubt if I will ever get rid of them, and I’ll let my ‘babies’ decide what they want to do with them.
Well-written perspectives on the power of emotional attachment to items. So helpful in reconciling responsibility for heirlooms and memorabilia, or items only with memories but no current or enduring value, and perhaps even a negative impact on current choices. Thank you!
Very helpful perspective! I will return to this frequently as an encouragement as we do the hard work of eliminating years and years of accumulation over the next months.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. I struggle with my mom’s longing to hold on to all the things. I’ve gone so far as to fib about keeping things she has passed along to me when I’ve really donated them or given them all away. With that said, I’ve continued to keep/save/hoard my fair share and still have room to grow when it comes to developing a healthy balance between hanging on and letting go. Thank you
My mother could not dispose of any of my daddy’s possessions. Years of my life were spent getting sorting and getting rid of things. Don’t want to do that to my children!
This is an important concept to noodle in our brains. I love it. Most powerful statement is that removing things from our past is the best way to honour them. Our fond memories are the greatest way we can celebrate those we love. And if our past is riddled with more sadness and joy, please never define yourself by these memories. There are a world of tomorrows waiting. Happy Earth day 🌍
YES, YES, YES! While I was taking some of my grandmothers things to a consignment shop after she died, I ‘explained’ to her that I had enjoyed having them very much and thanked her for giving them to me but that “she could see”, that I no longer needed them and I was reluctantly but gratefully letting them go. I felt a sense of peace and that, of course, she understood. It was much easier to keep letting go of things after that.
Love the advice, I have a hard time letting things go that are my mom’s who has passed & my daughters things who are not living with us anymore…but I know my mom would want me to let these things go .it’s just hard ..but I’m learning..:-)
This article was very powerful for me as I have moved and have entered a new season in my life as a widow. Have been struggling with “getting rid” of my husband’s stuff after my children have what they want. His writings and military stuff is hard as he was a Naval fighter pilot w a 20 year career. Thank you!
Mary – for your husband’s military things, you may want to check out the The Veteran’s Project. They collect veteran’s stories for archives at the Library of Congress. That way others can enjoy your husband’s memory as well.
And my condolences on your loss,
Lea
Very timely post. I’m going through my house trying to find happy homes for way too many things. The one area I struggle with the most are the numerous boxes of art projects my children did. Thinking of it in this way may help me move forward!
So true. I’m ready to let go of everything and live in an RV. I did for 6 months. I’m happiest is small space without clutter. I didn’t miss my stuff. Kid grown. I kept couple mementos and children’s books. Books keep on giving across generations. Memories are hung in our minds and hearts forever. Nobody wants my stuff when I’m gone. Except maybe my ukulele. Ha.
Excellent advice. Thank you!
Great words! I can relate to this very much at this point in my life.