It is difficult for me to articulate how blessed and thankful I am for my past. My parents love me, love each other, and love life. They provided me with stability, security, acceptance, and love. They continue to provide the same even today.
My grandparents could be described in the same way. All four of them were faithful to each other, faithful to God, and involved in my life growing up. Two of them are still alive today—and continue to be a part of my life.
The education I received was valuable. A private Christian school in South Dakota for elementary, a public school in North Dakota for high school, a four-year university in Nebraska for my Bachelor’s degree, and a four-year private university in Minnesota for my Master’s degree.
I am thankful for a mind that allowed school to come easy and a body that allowed me to participate in sports.
In high school, I met Kimberly. Shortly after graduating college, we married—20 years ago. And I couldn’t be happier. She is loving and patient and selfless and kind and beautiful. She has supported me every step of the way and I hope I’ve done justice in supporting her.
I have never worked a job I did not find fulfilling. I am thankful for the men and women who offered opportunities and mentorship along the way.
My two kids are 16 and 13. Both are healthy, do well in school, participate in extracurricular activities, are active at church, and have close friends they can rely on.
Not every day of my life has been perfect, certainly not. To live is to suffer strife and trials of every kind. But in almost every imaginable way, my life until now has been richly blessed.
I am thankful for my past, but I am not moving in that direction. My past has been lived and can never be re-lived.
Forward is the only direction we can live our lives.
This is true whether our past is something we want to remember or something we want to forget.
If our past was difficult, we learn from it. We redeem our past mistakes by learning from them. And we overcome wrongs committed against us by serving others and vowing to chart a different path forward for ourselves.
If our past was positive, we honor it most by living our best life in the current season and the next.
This is something we need to be reminded of often. It is easy, over the course of life, to collect more and more possessions from previous seasons of life: objects that were passed on to us by our parents, things that were used by our children when they were young, or items that signify accomplishments in life and career. Items that, by nature, represent the past—whether it be a season of life, a relationship, an accomplishment, or an experience we want to remember.
But the possessions we keep should represent the person we are trying to become, not the person we were.
Sometimes we think we’re honoring our departed loved ones by keeping their stuff, but let’s ask ourselves if they would want us to be burdened by their belongings. Doubtful. The best way to honor those who loved us is to live our best life possible, not to be weighed down by their things.
In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.
You may have loved mothering young kids, for example, and look back on those days with great fondness. But if your kids have grown and have families of their own, you are in a new stage of life and should embrace it fully. Holding on to a lot of mementos of motherhood and longing for those days may be hindering you from fully entering into the potential of your new time of life.
Minimizing possessions from our past is not a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. It is the most honoring thing we can do. Because no matter how sweet the memories, our lives are not moving in that direction.
Just because something brought you joy in the past doesn’t mean you should carry it forever. (tweet that)
Thank you for this. I’ve been a follower since the beginning. I wasn’t even married when I started reading your blogs & now 2 kids later… it still helps. Thank you. I return to it again and again and the YouTube is wonderful as well as the essays.
Minimalism has helped me greatly in healing trauma, and getting clear on goals. It forced me to ask myself “Who am I? What do I want to become?”
Have to ask this over and over again- as years change and life changes. Consistently editing the noise of clutter so that I can listen to my connection with life & God. (I’m not affiliated with any church, but I do believe in God.)
My grandmother practically raised me. She passed a few years back. I am estranged from my mother – with the help of trauma informed therapy.
My father- though I never met him, left me two tubs of photos and mementos from his life (I was born out of an affair and even now paternity laws allow mothers to lie without a DNA test on birth certificates. Feel free to look up the paternity laws in your state. They are all awful- and from 100 years ago. Hopefully I can help change that.)
As I heal the scars and ghosts of the past, I’m able to look at my father’s things/ and get to know him through his photos. Get to know my grandparents and great-grandparents, cousins, and an inheritance of culture and memories I was shut out of.
I had some very lonely holidays with up the street and (literally block away) lived a man who was the best father (according to his adult children now.)
I don’t have any wedding photos of my parents because they weren’t married. I don’t have all the things that many people get/ that burden them.
I’m working now to try to change these outdated laws/ joining forces with others who want to do the same. So that paternity fraud doesn’t rob some other little girl of her lifetime with her father.
I can’t stay in the past. It’s a death sentence for my soul. I can’t go back in time and tell that lonely little girl to knock on his door and say “Hi,”
so that adult me can have at least one memory of him. People who have memories are very lucky.
“You can’t unring a bell,” or so they say.
Your statement about using the energy from a painful past to serve others- hit the nail on the head. In fact it is the only way forward for trauma survivors like me. It’s like the path to healing and freedom. It’s direction to go- to follow the light because to stay stagnant or stay in the past does nothing to heal or help or protect children today.
Plus. When we feel our parents failed us, society and the laws failed us, life itself failed us, what can we do? Let it tear us into nothing? Or force us to numb our with tech or shopping or any number of addictions? (Including workaholism- a very unhealthy coping mechanism for not feeling feelings…)
I couldn’t live mindfully without minimalism. I needed space to meditate. To process. To look at the beauty of nature through a window… I needed an open living room to dance with my kids, and shake away the feeling that I wasn’t one of the lucky ones in this life.
And when I dance with my kids? I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet. Thank you minimum.
I had to go through those piles of my Dad’s photos, and try to get to know him. It was overall info and kindly and confusing at first but I needed to do it for me.
I organized them so they told a story. The story of my dad’s life- police officer, fire fighter, community member, father, son, brother. A man who didn’t like to swear, loved to tell jokes, and loved Christmas (like me.) A man that looks like me and smiles like me. A man who watched me grow up from afar waiting for the day that I would finally know him so he could hug me.
That hug never came for us. I learned the truth after he had just died. I learned that he reached out to my mother to ask to talk to me as he was dying and was denied.
That shouldn’t be the kind of thing our laws allow. But they do.
***
On my shelf in my home today there are photos of my kids, and their artwork binders (and school work they help curate) plus- a photo of my Dad.
My kids know that he’s Grandpa. In those artwork binders they curate are an essay about culture and my child wrote about being Italian like my dad. There’s a family tree project where he’s featured prominently along with my great grandparents. There a “hero” art or I photocopied of when he was named “Policeman of the Year” that my child shared with the class.
These are items they chose to keep.
There’s also photo of my children eating ice cream with their younger cousin, my dad’s daughter’s child- because through all of this I reached out and she was so gracious, & reached back and now we are a family.
Children who are victims of paternity fraud miss out on a lot. They are disinherited financially, emotionally, and spiritually from their God- given family. It’s not ok and it shouldn’t still happen- but it does.
Children of paternity fraud have historically been reduced to media jokes, and minimal responses to their trauma.
***
Also on that shelf is a presentation I did at a local college this past fall about my story- and a note from the professor offering support and asking if she could share my presentation with colleagues.
1-3% of people in the USA are said to be victims of this fraud. That translates into about 10 million people (correct me if I’m wrong) and it continues to grow.
The trauma healing process for this is involves reframing and grief counseling and it’s compared to treating victims of kidnapping in some cases.
In fact, if my mother had put my dad’s name in that birth certificate instead of some other guy- then took me to another state and denied my dad’s rights to see me? It would be kidnapping.
If 10 million children were kidnapped tomorrow, there’d be an uproar.
But this is a long hidden trauma. Survivors aren’t met with compassion but a “get over it” attitude. That needs to change.
Some of us paternity fraud survivors had wonderful non/ biological Dads raise us, but the betrayal trauma still exists. M
How can anyone grasp with being lied to everyday by the people meant to protect us? Being lied to and gaslit creates disorganized attachment, and is emotional abuse.
Other survivors, like me had someone who resented and bullied them. Someone who went to court several times to prove I wasn’t his.
You can’t change the past.
****
These papers and photos on my shelf are not worth anything monetarily. They aren’t awards, or fine china, or passed down jewelry.
But they are hope. Healing. Joy. They are everything to me.
All that matters in life is feeling safe, and loved, and valued as a person. Feeling it but also giving it away in return. A cycle of energy that feels so good!
It’s in these energetic moments that any photos taken become treasures.
Hang on to them. Put them on a shelf. And then go out and change the world by doing the work we were meant to do- Heal. Help. Connect. Enjoy. Hold. Cry. Feel. Breathe. Live.
Thanks again for this blog.
Though I agree with this article overall, why is it that service is only recommended for those who had a difficult past. Those who had an easier past should equally consider service as a duty. You were blessed, bless others in return. It just struck me as odd.
Thank you for editing this. I struggle in this area, and your words are helpful.
Loathe autospell. Should say. Thank you for writing this.
You seem to have had a very privileged childhood and career. I find this a bit hard to relate to but do agree with your message about moving forward into the future.
I find the word “privileged” to be a loaded word. I’m glad he had a good upbringing and godly parents and grandparents who looked out for him. We should all aspire to that—and if some of us had less, and I did because everyone, tho godly, died young, we should not begrudge him what he had.
You are a wise woman Robyn!
I think he’s honoring his past, acknowledging the great start he had. Regardless of where each of us started, and what is in our past, the only direction we can move is forward. I am 66, but remind myself I’m closer to 70 than 65, because I am only moving in one direction.
I have had to learn this the hard way, that not everything that once brought me joy is going to continue bringing me joy and that I need to, therefore, decide whether it’s really beneficial to continue to own. Living in poverty has made it difficult for me to let go of things. I have continuously been too attached to something thinking that I was going to eventually sell it and make a profit. I have been learning how to discern what’s really worth holding on to and what’s worth letting go of. It takes wisdom. I am realizing the value of having open space to simply engage in things. When you have an apartment full of stuff it can make it really difficult to feel motivated enough to do what you actually need to do to be productive. Over time, I’m learning how to say, ” This is going to serve me best.” The thing I struggle with more than anything is having gratitude. What has been hard for me is adapting to this idea that what I have is enough because we live in a society that’s constantly promoting new, new fads, popularity, trends, etc. The question is how do I remove myself from the strongholds of these attention grabbers? My mind is shaped to appreciate novelty more than simplicity. I suppose minimalism is a practice just like anything in life where you form habits and neuro connections in your brain. I am able to adapt. I want to attract what is helpful to me. Perhaps now I am rambling. The point is that it is the simple things that bring us joy.
“In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.” – yes!
It’s funny, I look back on the years I spent at home raising kids and homeschooling, baking muffins, tending to hearth & home – and I think it was my favorite season of life.
But now, as I grow a purposeful business, do more writing, and two of my kids are young adults. As my husband and I begin the process of growing old together and know each other more deeply than ever before – I think this is my favorite season of life.
I have a real problem with hanging on to the past too. It has stunted me from moving forward, making goals and decluttering things I don’t need. It’s so hard to get motivated, and hard to throw things away, things my loved one gave me, have touched etc. I long to go back and want to have a “do over”. I know it’s really weird and unrealistic. All I do is dwell and don’t make my life better. Its so hard. Good luck with everything. Xoxoxo
Joshua, thank you so much for this.
Thank you for this article. I will refer to it often for a while. It will be helping me through a difficult time.
I have a box in the garage full of things that belonged to my husband, who died too young at age 39 from cancer. He left me with four children to finish raising, two of whom were very young. The younger two children now have very few memories left of their father, so I saved a few things that they could have one day; something concrete that they can touch, that belonged to him. For some reason, to be able to do this comforts me, whether they will want these items or not. (The thought of having something tangible to give to them that belonged to him comforts me.)
At the same time, I have to admit though, that these items also bring up the grief and pain for me all over again every time I look at them. I feel sad that most of the physical evidence from his whole life is summed up in that sad little box. Material things can bring incredible pain just by their presence, and it has freed me to let many of them go, except for that one box. (Because at first, it felt sacreligious to give away his things.) One day it just hit me, his things are not HIM! They are just things, and it’s not dishonoring to his memory to let go of them.
On another subject, now that I am a single mother, letting go of excess things and simplifying both things and life in general has been both necessary and incredibly freeing as well. For a long time I have felt deep inside that the way we live life in America is a little bit insane! Why do we think that we need all of this bigger and better stuff to be happy? And also, why are our expectations so huge? It’s impossible for me to keep up with the Jones as a single mother of four, and why should I? (I can’t even believe birthday parties these days! Sorry for judging, but bouncy castles and clowns for one year olds… really?) I feel like commercialism has taken over, and we have lost our common sense. To me, more stuff equals more cleaning, stress, and exhaustion, and less time, space, and money. I don’t want to serve my house and things, I want them to serve me.
Thank you, Joshua, and to everyone else out there like you who have started talking about these things, and for sharing your experiences with the world!
Your perspective on past and moving forward is very inspiring. I am meeting with family to identify, sort, and participate in the dissolution of my Mother and Fathers possessions in their large home….Mom did not allow previously, and has become incapacitated at 86, and now we face taking out all mementos. We want to prioritize the most valued items and remove/discard the rest. I will check your book for the best advice in order to do this.
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.
I really love this & find it very helpful. I think I’m going to write one for myself.
While I totally agree with not holding onto things for the sake of honouring loved ones, sometimes certain mementos keep people moving forward, particularly if they feel they have nothing left to look forward to. Everyone’s situation is different, some have suffered indescribably or have no family or friends and small objects of positivity from the past can keep them grounded with a reminder that there was a good time and there can be again. Just wanted to point that out. You don’t have to remove every item from your past. If something that brought you great joy still brings you great joy then I believe you should still hold onto it.
I can’t imagine what it is like to never have had a job that was unfulfilling. Despite my education, similar to what you describe, I have *only* had jobs that were unfulfilling — to say the least —and at “over 60” now I have lost everything (divorce and my personal attitude toward “stuff” and “things” not to mention a perhaps foolishly generous nature all my life) and have little to look forward to. No one will hire. I’m over-qualified, yet too “old” and out of the workforce too long. Still, I try, every day, to just keep going and not dwell on the past and any wrongs done unto me that led to all this. It is a minute-by-minute struggle. I could not have been more naive, I guess. It seems that for all my lifelong tendency to give “things” away (and assume I would be okay, or better) has in fact not turned out well. Will things improve? Unknown. Will there ever be fulfillment or a life purpose revelation? Unknown.
Time goes by. I try not to lose faith. I wanted to be able to travel. I can’t. I wanted to earn a decent wage for what everyone has insisted are great skills (advanced degrees, a strong writing background despite the lack of employment and compensation to reflect that, and many other talents that seem to be for nothing). The most I ever made was $15/hr. For three months. I don’t know why my life has been this way, I am a good person (I know, we all are) with a too-generous heart? Some of us never get that one pivotal break in life, I suppose. Disheartening. To say the least.
Still, I hope something happens. Something good, and unimaginable. I try to be open and keep hoping for a miracle or two. Fulfilling work for fulfilling pay? It’s harder to see it happening at this age, in these … circumstances.
“Something deep in the human heart breaks at the thought of a life of mediocrity.” — C.S. Lewis
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.
Thanks Joshua, a very timely reminder that living in the present moment does the most justice to the past. We honor the past by living our best in the present.
We can’t welcome in the new when we are still holding onto the old.
Joshua – this post today is so meaningful as my husband and I are ready to move in one week. We sold our large home and are moving to a fully furnished much smaller place.
Withnthe help of my daughter I threw away momentos from my two children, one of whom died as a young boy, plus boxes of his things from his room I saved after he died – 35 years ago. I threw away letters I’d saved from my mom, who wrote me weekly for the last 20 years of her life. And she’s been gone now for 22 years. I am in my early 70s and finally realized it is time to let these things go. It’s time to look ahead – not back. I have boxes of photos from my mom that she saved of her children and of her siblings. Most of those people are gone now. I’m still having a hard time deciding what to do with them. I reason – They did not originate with me so why am I keeping them. Yet it seems sacrilegious to destroy photos from the past of loved ones long gone. We have donated all our furniture and 90% of the content of our home. And we are under the gun to finish in a few days. This has been the hardest thing we ever had to do. And it sure has been an eye-opening experience.
The stuff that reminds you of the good stuff in the past is always the hardest to let go (I burned some of the stuff that didn’t have good memories associated, ha ha…surprisingly therapeutic way to deal with it, too!). Most of my clutter problems deal with saving something because I might need it in the future (and it’s perhaps not surprising then that I struggle a bit with anxiety, which is future-focused, rather than depression, which is past-focused).
Interesting read!
I salute your wonderful life! That is a lovely way for life to be lived- fully, committed, and with joy.
However, some of us had to deal with some very big issues when we were very young- divorce, deaths, impermanence, instability, illness; for us, it is harder to let go of the things that gave us hope or helped us to envision a life without the above mentioned problems. I find that I am viscerally attached to some of my possessions, as they are my only link to a long dead relative, friend or dream for my own life- most of which I find have frighteningly faded from my memory as time has worn on.
No, I am not my past, and I do not want to relive it, but I do not want to forget it, either. I miss the dreams that the mere act of staying afloat displaced, and I want to spur them on again.
I really understand what you are saying Reader Rita! I am trying to select a few things that remind me of “the dreams” and gave me “the anchor of hope” during those times, and releasing the rest. It’s a slow process, don’t beat yourself up over your decisions. And realize that some day, we may feel differently about the pieces, and then be able to pass them on.
Thank you, Joshua. This meant a lot to me.
One of your best postings! :)