I’ve never been very good at remembering people’s names. Or at least, I’ve never been as good at remembering names as I would like to be.
But I’m getting better—and I trace much of the change to a specific event that happened in my life many years ago.
Now, I know there are tips and tricks and books and courses you can take to get better at remembering names. I’ve even tried a few. But for me, the lesson I needed to learn was deeper, more introspective. There was something else getting in the way.
This became clear a number of years ago while speaking at an event in Wisconsin. It was a cold, winter evening outside. But inside was warm and pleasant. When I finished speaking, as people were departing, a lovely couple came up to meet me.
We exchanged names and pleasantries. And because the environment was quiet and informal, we continued to talk for the next 10-15 minutes on a wide-range of topics. It was wonderful.
But when they walked away, it dawned on me that I had entirely forgotten their names. And by “forgotten,” I mean totally forgotten—like I don’t think I even remembered the first letter of their names, much less the entire thing.
I knew I would probably see them again the next day and I could certainly cover over the fact that I didn’t remember their names until I had chance to glance at their name tag—I’ve done it a thousand times before.
But on this particular evening, as I got into my car and drove off into the cool night, I felt a bit of sadness. I was sad that I wasn’t able to remember something as simple as the names of two people I very much enjoyed meeting.
Slowly, I began to ask myself why. Rather than trying to remember their names, I started asking why I was unable to recall them. I was sure they mentioned them. I mean, I could picture the moment where I held out my hand to shake theirs.
I remembered them stating their names, but all I could remember from our interaction … was me … stating mine.
They introduced themselves, but all I can remember was introducing myself.
And suddenly it struck me.
I entered the conversation—as I do so often—with the desire to be known rather than to know. I was trying so hard to say something impressive or witty or intelligent that I entirely missed what they were saying on the other side of the conversation.
I wanted them to know my name more than I wanted to know theirs.
I wanted to share my expertise rather than seek to learn from theirs. I wanted opportunity to tell my story more than I wanted opportunity to hear theirs. I wanted to be known more than I wanted to know.
I could not remember their name because I was too focused on them remembering mine.
I’ve run through that conversation countless times in my life over the years. These days, as much as possible, when I meet somebody new, I try hard to remember their name.
I don’t always get it right. But I have found when I enter a conversation seeking to know the other person more than being known by them, my chances of remembering their name increase significantly.
Even more, I have discovered that taking the time to truly know someone else is one of the quickest paths to being known by them.
Excellent writing. I made it a point as well to listen first then speak in many circumstances. Amazing what you will hear and learn. I made a habit of keeping a list and writing the name down as soon as possible. This helped me alot. And then the unexpected gift of calling people by their name caused so many to be more connecting and endearing with me. They actually seek me out first before I even see them. Who could have know a simple gesture would have produced so much community. A name is so important.
My husband and I have a game, he approaches me when I am talking to someone at a gathering, reaches out his hand to shake and introduces himself. This prompts the other party to offer their names. I HAVE gotten better with names now that I am retired and am not burdened with multi-tasking (in my mind) while meeting people.
Oh boy, I struggle similarly…..maybe for the same reason but I think it is this reason combined with a whole host of others! If I can make a suggestion, making the remembering names a priority is a start. One thing I do, for example when I meet a neighbor in our community after we are chit chatting and we probably never even mentioned our names, before we conclude I initiate it and say “What is your name? and “I’m Susan, my husband are your neighbors over on ” or, if we HAVE introduced ourselves, I will assume they have forgotten mine and I’ll say “So my name again is Susan and you are or if I have forgotten “and you are ?????” I’m not afraid to admit my shortfall, because invariably they have done the same and what is really important is that I care enough about them to want to remember them. Putting it at the end of the conversation helps, but it doesn’t always do the trick – so as I walk away, like get around the corner or to my car, I TEXT it to myself – So-and-so on whatever street or whatever store. And then they go on my prayer list for my neighborhood on my iPad. Just last night we had a neighbor over to watch church and she couldn’t remember the name of HER next door neighbor. I had met them last year did that whole “thing” and I was able to tell my friend the name of HER next door neighbor! Now, the next time she encounters them, she doesn’t have to experience the embarrassment of having forgotten their names.
And I have to know ; what were their names ?
Most of the , time I can easily remember the person ‘ name. I just repeat it to the person when I first see this person . what about their last name ? usually get all there misspell easily
I think it was Dale Carnegie – or somebody else – who said you should keep repeating the name of a new person you meet. You might just keep repeating their first name, but that’s a good start.
Excellent article. I have always had trouble remembering other people I have met. It is an embarrasing habit that I need to change. I believe it is because I am too focused on myself & not on others.
I love this article of yours as it happened to me as well.
I will try and be more mindful with of others.
Thank you for sharing.
Joshua,
Your this article gave me shivers. I almost stopped drinking the cup of coffee I was having. Very nice article and I could feel it very close to myself
thanks master
My brother is really good at remembering names. When people ask him how he does it (oh, you were probably always good at it right? Uhm, no.), he says something like this, “I try. The only difference between when I couldn’t remember names and now, is that I actually try.”
All it takes is some sincere effort…
Btw, your last sentence reminded me of some Dale Carnegie wisdom, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Anyway, enjoyed that article! Thanks, and keep up all the good work you do.
I just found your website and the articles are quite mind opening. Thx.
Like most things it comes down to your “Intention”. As you found out, you turned yours from yourself to the people you were interacting with. This makes the interaction more memorable which can lead to better name recognition. As humans go, we are better at pattern recognition then “words”. We don’t really need names for objects or people but to define people and things we assign words to them so it give context in our everyday interaction. But good dose of words do enrich our lives like this artcles. Thanks again.
This is fantastic, and absolutely true. Thank you for a new insight to think about!
A wise woman once told me there are two kinds of people in the world: those who walk into a room and say “Here I am” and those who walk into a room and say “There you are.” People want to be around the second type, which is definitely the more rewarding.
Wow! You are right! I hate social gatherings….and totally get tongue tied and self conscious and can barely get my own name out….never mind remember another person’s name…but, yes my focus is on me, and my discomfort. Never the other person. Thanks for such insight! Maybe it will help me hate meeting such social gatherings if I can turn my focus to others more.
I absolutely loved this post. Thank you for sharing it. And I am so guilty of this. You had me hooked from the beginning and I thought for sure the answer to why we forget the names of others had more to do with what else was going on in our lives. I wanted it to be that reason. But the truth for me was as you stated it. Thank you for helping me deal with something I need to deal with.
That you for the tips and tricks to remember more because I have a terrible memory. I usually forget often but your tips and tricks helped me very much.
oh dear… i thought that was me writing that for a moment.. my thoughts exactly… I think self-centeredness is a modern day cultural thing. we’re surrounded by it. I know that I have to work on it continually. thnks
AAHH! I am so bad at remembering people’s names. My short-term memory stinks, so I attribute my memory loss to that. Something I have found useful is to write down their names (ASAP) or ask them for a business card. I also make sure to let people know it can take up to 10 interactions for me to remember their name, so not to be offended if I forget. Then, whenever I see the person again, I say, “What is your name (again)?” Funny thing is, they have usually managed to forget my name as well and are relieved when I repeat it!
Wow, thank you Joshua, for turning the light on in my head. I am going to give this a try and I’m pretty sure it is going to significantly improve my relationship with people.
Amen.
Poignant point – whether someone takes time to know someone’s name is a true reflection of whether one values others enough to do so…..
Loved your post until the last sentence – “Focusing to remember names because it’s the quickiest way for them to remember you” – is that a genuine value about others?seems it’s putting values on others to ultimately serve ones own ego, yet again….. I don’t think your recount was about that but chucking that last comment in undermined the moral of your story….
Wow…what a sermon! Thank you Joshua…I surely needed that!!!
Thank you so much. I’ve recently joined a new church congregation and have been working hard to overcome my self-centered-ness. I am remembering names so much better than ever before; you just explained why! Wonderful article
Before I read your article I thought about why I forget people’s names. I do have a poor short term memory but I don’t think that is the sole cause. I realized that I focus on the content of the person’s conversation so the name loses significance. “A rose by any other name…”. I have no problem admitting I have forgotten someone’s name when I meet them again because I will remember the context of the conversation.
Yes. Made me think about the verse in the Bible that tells me that my name is written upon God’s hands. Because he knows me. :)
Beautiful.
Thanks for the insight. I have a terrible time remembering names, and I am uncomfortable meeting new people. Perhaps I am so poor at names because I am so focused on my discomfort. I’ll apply this information!