It is human nature to need and desire security.
We’ve just been looking for it in all the wrong places.
A sense of security can come either from material goods or from supportive relationships. In fact, researchers point out that people who do not feel loved and accepted by others tend to put a stronger emphasis on material possessions.
Margaret Clark, a professor of psychology at Yale, writes it this way:
Humans are social creatures with vulnerabilities. Close relationships afford protections. For example, infants wouldn’t survive without other people. But material possessions also afford protection and security. Humans need food, clothing and shelter to survive. It takes a mix of things to make you feel secure. But if you heighten one source of security, people feel less concerned about the others.
This finding was based on two unique research projects she and her colleagues conducted and published in the March 2011 issue of The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. The researchers conclude from the studies that those who do not feel internally secure in their personal relationships will often put a higher value on physical possessions.
This is an important reality for each of us to consider and understand.
Those supported in close relationships don’t place as much value on material goods.
In our society, too many of us believe security can be adequately found in the personal ownership of accumulated possessions. Now, there is some degree of truth to that statement. Certainly, food and water and clothing and shelter are essential for survival. But the list of possessions that we truly need for life is quite minimal.
Instead, we have confused needs with wants and security with luxury.
As a result, many of us pursue and collect large stockpiles of possessions in the name of security or happiness. We work long hours to purchase them. We build bigger houses to store them. And we spend more energy maintaining them.
The burden of accumulating and maintaining slowly becomes the main focus of our lives.
We spend our time and energy chasing things that are physical in nature. We dream of a future that includes larger paychecks and bigger houses. We plot and plan to acquire them. We go to great lengths to care for them and we become jealous when others have more of them. We seek security in the accumulation of finances and material acquisition.
But the security found in possessions is fragile and fleeting at best. (tweet that)
In our busy, hectic, run-run-run world, we are left with too little time or opportunity to develop deep interpersonal relationships. We are too distracted building our own personal kingdoms.
The research (and probably our own hearts) argue against this thinking. They call us to remember the importance of things that can not be seen with the naked eye or purchased with money: love, friendship, hope, integrity, trust, compassion. These are the things that bring substance, fulfillment, and lasting joy to our lives. These are the attributes that bring lasting security.
May we seek and pursue them. And may we provide a foundation of lasting security for our lives because of it.
About Joshua Becker
It’s not healthy to depend on your interpersonal relationships for a sense of security either. You should be secure in yourself by basing your thoughts and actions on sound principles. Seeking outside of yourself for security will always cause you to be unbalanced.
Yes I agree Jesus Christ my faith is my security, people cant give you security, you have to be good with yourself!!!
I have found a wonderful unexpected benefit in my path toward minimalism and simplicity. I feel more secure simply because my attachment to my material possessions has lessened to the point that I do not fear losing them. Even if a thief were to take all my possessions, I would only need to repurchase what I need to live. I know that nothing material can be taken from me that is not easily replaceable. This is in contrast to the way I used to depend heavily on locks and security systems to keep my world secure. It is a wonderful freedom from worry and fear!
Nothing beats a secure home. One you can’t be removed from by weather, catastrophe, foreclosure, rent increase.
And on top you’ll be able to provide security to friends and family should they be in a tight spot.
Hey Josh, just started reading the site. Nice way to begin :).
I think really understanding how materialism hurts you is important. There are so many articles about becoming a minimalist and selling a lot of your crap (because it weighs you down). But, Western society seems to push on us that we need more of everything – new clothes, fancier cars, etc.
As you said, many people work longer hours to make more money to afford more stuff. But the sad thing is that there’s a study that shows that past around an average salary of $70,000, more money won’t make you happier (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/19/success-money_n_1608925.html).
Experiences, especially with people, make you happier… and that’s where your hard earned money should go. I’m trying to guard my time for myself (relationship with myself wise) and with my friends and loved ones very closely, because I know when push comes to shove, those are the people that will always be there for me.
I could lose my job and all my money, but if I have good people to lean on, I know I’d be OK. It would suck in the mean time, but I would eventually be OK.
Nice. But even with both of us working full time we are below $70, 000 annually.
Thank you for this wonderful, heart-opening article. It came to me at the saddest of times. A very close friend -better yet, family – unexpectedly passed away yesterday. As my heart breaks at his absence, I remember the valuable time we spent. Those moments are so much more valuable than any physical possession I can buy. This article is a loving reminder of that truth…and of my friend…
Well said, Joshua. Yes, we have little opportunity to develop deep interpersonal relationships but we cannot help doing so.
Joshua, I have said this several times already, but as a fairly new reader, your writing does not cease to amaze me. What stood out to me the most was this, “We are too distracted building our own personal kingdoms.” Not only did it demonstrate the thought you have given towards writing this blog post, but you have achieved a certain level of poetry in this one sentence that will stick with me. That sentence and those words will haunt my mind for some time while I swim through a sea of an unknown future for myself, but it is in the things that you have mentioned (integrity, love, friendship) that I am finding the most fulfillment in and keeping top of mind.
Thank you for writing and inspiring.
I will remember this post as I get bounced around by the hordes of Walking Dead shoppers and travelers in the New York City as I complete my field service rounds this Holiday Season.
I tend to eat to temporarily fight felling insecure. LOL
First time reader to this site, pointed this way by Edifice Rex. But you really hit the nail on the head for me with this one! I immediatley thought of 2 people who are now, thankfully, on the outskirts of my life, mainly because of this exact phenomena. Decluttering is one of my golas for the new year, and I’ll come back often to visit.
Joshua- I totally agree and have been faced with this very fact in the recent months. It’s one thing to agree and want to minimize… but when one gets to the point when they are actually taking steps to minimize- it’s so hard! I have been on my own journey toward minimalism and I have found that the more and more I declutter, donate, and remove things from my home, the more I struggle because I’ve realized that deep down, I DO subconsciously find a certain level of security in having stuff. I’ve been trying to document my recent journey on my own blog too. :) pursuingmommygreatness.com.
Thanks for great words of wisdom and encouragement!
Very insightful post. It is interesting how our human nature seems to dictate the need to be surrounded by something of value. Hopefully, for the most part that something is healthy relationships, but we do see all too often people making do with ‘stuff’ instead of people in their lives.
Perfect! ♥
Lovely post with a powerful message. Thank you!
Thank you Joshua for another wonderful post. It ties in so nicely with my next article and I would love to share this one at the end of mine as related reading. :)
Interesting thoughts when you consider them in conjunction with hoarding disorders. I wonder if they have explored that link? Thank you for all that you write, Mr. Becker!! I agree with most, and enjoy reading all!!
I AM a hoarder. I’m exploring this site with the hope of sort of ‘reprogramming’ my brain. I feel that understanding the reasons someone else might prefer to minimize their possessions could help me look at my clutter from a different and more logical perspective. Interestingly, I’m also finding insight as to why I may have this painful hoarding tendency in the first place.
Personally, I can vouch for the truth I feel in this article. The saddest part is that the worse the mess gets, the more isolated a person becomes, and the more dependent the hoarder is on the actual stuff that is so greatly contributing to the problem in the first place. It’s a terrible vicious cycle…
I couldn’t agree more….I think we put to much stock in material things…the whole possession obsession mentality is keeping families in a state of debt in order to feel secure. We are trying to break that cycle and find our security in the simple things in life. A walk in the woods, a drink under the stars and finding comfort in just being home.
Thanks for a great post Joshua!
Same with me. I’ve been telling myself to be still and be comfortable being home. I have more time now that shopping isn’t an “activity.” I do enjoy being home, so not sure why I feel the need to always want to go go go.
I have been thinking about security and feeling safe for the past few months, ever since I came back from a 10 month trip around Central America. Coming back home, I feel a sense of safety being around my family that I didn’t feel while travelling. Maybe that is what happens when you get older – you need more of a sense of family and safety around you. I never felt the need for that before in my life. Thank you for this post. I really love the idea of safety and security you present in it.
Great post! I’ve been mulling over this idea for a while and couldn’t put my finger on the security thing. Thanks for sharing your perspective; very helpful!
True, Joshua. I feel that when things are right between those I love, I really don’t need a whole lot more. —I welcome you to Illinois this weekend. I won’t be able to hear you speak…but I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :)
P.S. Only in the 40’s this weekend! Don’t forget your Jacket! On the + lots of sunshine, no rain. (or snow) .
This is so true. I might add that including the importance of human relationships – true security comes in knowing we are His sons and daughters. Knowing that we are not abandoned and how much He really loves us. That’s where I found my true joy and fulfillment.