Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Ally of AllisonFallon.com.
“When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.” —Bob Hope
I believe it is possible to do less, buy less, cook less, work less and even decorate less and still have a full, happy, satisfying, beautiful holiday season. But in order to get there, and stay there, we’re going to have to focus on a few changes of mindset.
Or, at least I am.
The other day my husband and I were driving to an event together and, out of nowhere, he asked, “Hey, do you realize we’ve never bought each other Christmas presents?”
Honestly, when he asked that question, my heart leapt a little. I knew it was true, but it sounded so harsh to say it outright like that. In fact, I found myself feeling a little embarrassed, thinking of a million excuses for why this was the case…
“We’ve only been married for two Christmases…”
“We’ve been trying to get out of debt…”
“The first Christmas we were together, we were busy planning a wedding…”
But just as I started to let my thoughts get away from me, my husband spoke up again. “Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.”
The truth is it doesn’t really bother me. But I find myself thinking it does. I find myself worrying what people will think, or what they’ll say if they find out. I find myself thinking about what others are doing for the holidays that I’m not doing; and feeling pressure to make my holiday season look and feel a certain way.
But our decision to forgo Christmas presents (which was mostly out of necessity at the time we made it) has actually opened space for us to have a lighter, simpler, more beautiful Christmas. I’m not against celebrating, or against buying presents. In fact, my husband and I may buy each other presents one day.
But I do believe the common maxim “less is more” applies to the holidays more than it does to just about anything else. And I think each of us will discover a more satisfying holiday if we’ll focus on the following changes in mindset.
1. Don’t get too stuck on “the way you’ve done it before.”
If you grew up in a family or neighborhood (like I did) that went all out for Christmas, maybe scaling back for your own holiday celebration makes you feel a little bit like I felt when my husband reminded me we have never bought each other presents—like a failure. Or, like you’re doing it wrong.
I have good news. There is no wrong way to do it!
Try not to get too stuck on the way you’ve always done it before. Instead, focus on the values you want to cultivate in your family or community or home this year, and experiment with creative ways to promote those values. Also, if you’re entering a new season of life (newly independent, newly married, have young children, or have a newly empty nest), what better time to start fresh with a brand new “way?”
If you’ve always been extravagant in the past, you don’t have to “live up” to that version of yourself, or to anyone else. Take a deep breath. You’re not a failure.
2. Focus on experiences over possessions.
One of the reasons my husband and I have never bought Christmas presents for each other is that we are always traveling for the holidays. We live far from all of our extended family, and in order to spend time with family (without breaking the bank) we have had to choose between plane tickets and Christmas presents.
We’ve agreed together that, when it comes buying habits, we will always (not just at Christmas) value experiences over possessions. Possessions are nice, but they rust, rot, get stolen and burn in fires. Experiences can’t be taken from us. They have eternal value.
Consider how you cultivate experiences this year, rather than just buying gifts which will likely end up in the Goodwill pile in a few months or years.
3. Do the best you can with what you have.
This is advice a mentor of mine once gave me about a totally different subject, but I think it applies here, as well. When I was getting ready to go on a date, she would advise me not to go buy brand new clothes, or to feel like I needed to lose 10 pounds before the date, but simply to, “Do the best you can with what you have.”
In other words: be the best version of yourself.
I would give really similar advice when it comes to Christmas. Do the best you can with what you have. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy presents, or that having a Christmas tree is a waste. It simply means don’t go into debt over presents or trees. It means decide what you’re going to spend on Christmas—and it doesn’t have to be extravagant—and then do the best you can with what you have.
4. Turn off the TV (or find other ways to avoid being swayed by advertisements).
You’d be surprised how influenced you are by advertisements. Suddenly you begin thinking that everyone has a better Christmas planned than you do. Everyone’s Christmas tree belongs in a department store, and everyone’s husband is buying them diamond earrings, and everyone else is buying their kids new computers.
That’s simply not true, no matter how convincing the ads make it look.
The other thing that’s not true is that families who have these things are automatically happier (like they are in the commercials) than your family, or other families who go without. Presents are nice. But they can’t make you happy.
If you want a truly happy holiday season, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate happiness from the inside.
What tips do you have for creating a lighter, more beautiful life?
***coming [email protected]
About Joshua Becker
We gave up Christmas years ago. I thought I’d miss it, but I don’t. I was in Michael’s the other day and saw all the plastic & glitter and thought, “Most of this will end up in the landfill or cluttering people’s houses.” What we embraced was family togetherness, sharing meals, helping each other, gifts that matter and have meaning once in a while, enjoying the “dark time of the year” with comfort food (in moderation) and candles and coming to understand the truth about Jesus, his life & ministry and what it means for all people. The list could go on…but honestly, Christmas has gotten way out of hand.
Thank you so much for this post! Each year my conviction grows stronger that Christmas arrives in all it’s bounty and richness when we make it simple and meaningful in our own way. :) I’m going to share this on my blog with a link back to here.
https://meinthemiddlewrites.com/
I love everything about this post! My husband and I decided not to get eachother gifts the year we got married. Now that we have kids, they each get 3 gifts at Christmas (because the wise men brought 3 gifts for Jesus). Last year, we introduced “adventure gifts” which goes along with what you wrote about experiences over possessions. They’re pretty young, but they grasped the concept pretty well. They just went to Disney on ice for one of their early Christmas presents and we’re planning a trip to NYC for their birthdays.
We have always minimized the gift-giving aspect of any holiday. In recent years, as our children have become young adults, we have focused more on charitable gifts in each other’s honour. Last week, on my birthday, my 20 year old son (home for holidays from university) and his girlfriend made a point of being home in the evening (in the busy week before Christmas) so that we could play a board game together. It was the best birthday gift I could have received!
Well, we do exchange gifts, but try to buy things we need. One year, I got a dishwasher, as no one here likes doing dishes…next year, a new stove as old one wasn’t working right.
This year, I’m getting BF some badly needed camo hunting clothes and some things to organize tools, nails, bolts, etc and nice saw horses.
I bought as a family gift, new camping cookware. Replacing bulky, castoffs that have seen better days.
He really enjoys the surprise of gift giving and I am a horrible snoop. Soo he’s learned to not put out gifts ahead of time. But in my defense, when you wrap up pots and pans you may want to put them in a box first….heehee.
So basically its practical, replacement gifts…
This year, after dropping plenty of not so subtle hints…..I’m hoping for something totally impractical, given on one knee.
My husband and I have not exchanged gifts in nearly 30 years. Not for Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries. This past year we agreed to skip the greeting cards we normally did for those 3 occasions. It makes no sense; verbally tell your partner what is in your heart (or don’t). We took a first cruise for our 25th anniversary. We enjoy spending money on experiences, not things. We are so rich in experiences and don’t care about fancy stuff. We, by no means, are poor in material possessions, but those things are well thought out purchases.
We are happy, healthy, and enjoying an early retirement.
Thank you for this. Here I am sitting at home on Christmas Day afternoon, and no big day celebration for me. For me, Christmas is all about giving to others in need – and if I was well enough I would be organising an orphans Christmas dinner – but I hae had to give that up because of disability. So instead, I am making items to give to a variety of charities with my Christmas Day. I do this a fair amount through the year, but today they are special and include a prayer for those who will receive them.
We have been married for 17 years, and never given a Christmas, or for that matter a birthday gift. But once a year, we agree to buy for each other something significant we want or need. Then we declare that this is our gift for this year. We usually wait until we can get the best value for the item in sales, or better still, get it second hand. It takes out all the pressure of having the right gift, it becomes a joint decision, so we are getting what the other person really wants, and we fit it into the ups and downs of the budget.
my partner and I do BAVC gifts, birthday anniversary Valentin’s and Christmas as one gift. I had to be something that the other really want or needs and can be given anytime of the year
Thank You So Much!! WOW! I am so stressed by the holidays and the expectations and have been for my entire life. I need support and inspiration like you have given in this post. What a PERFECT idea not to give each other presents! Wow, as silly as it sounds, that has never occurred to me. It will give such a huge relief to my long-time boyfriend to release him from that burden. He is wonderful, but finding gifts for me is not his area of giftedness. His birthday and Christmas gifts have been not good. He is generous and good to me throughout the year, and that is what matters. And I struggle to find something-anything for him because he has so much stuff; usually give gift cards. It may not be right for everyone, but what a big relief for both of us. Great, encouraging post! Thank you!!
Yeah the xmas spirit and the adds and Hollywood xmas movies. This is getting to me too, every year. But since I just read this article I can over come that.
My husband and I don’t to xmas gifts for us, just for the kids. If we want something and have the money, we buy it year arround. Since we can have everything at anytime, there are no surprises under the tree.
This year we spend xmas eve with my family in Berlin, and they still do presents. But I do have a problem to just buy a present, for me I must see the purpose and if they really need it. Last year I told my family I don’t want any presents, only something they know I would like and can use. I was totaly at pease with myself. But I recieved 2 gifts, which I like and could use. But if I had got nothing, it would have totaly be fine.
I am not big with churches, but like to remind the other of the being together, rather than giving gifts.
In just 2 weeks the whole magic holiday thing will be already over and 2014 has begun.
Have a lovely time and greetings from Germany
We have scaled way back on the presents. I used to agonize on what to buy. Now bake cookies and send them to my godparents cause I know they don’t get home baked cookies. I buy clothes for the grandkids (something in their age group with sparkles) cause I know they get tons of toys. I try to be practical but different, like aprons for my sister in laws and maybe a handmade ornament. Its less stress and more fulfilling to me, Hubby and I travel home for christmas and that is our agift to each other or we set a small limit (he always go over though LOL
Allison,
this is a great idea… my husband and I always forced each other to buy gifts so that we look like everyone… but we bought them together and pretended to be surprise… being minimalist, this is becoming ridiculous… we are actually thinking of spending 2014 without giving any material gifts to each other all year long… for not one occasion… no father’s or mother’s day…. no anniversaries… or wedding anniversaries… not for Christmas… nothing!!!!!
thanks for helping us out!!!!
love&peace,
nath
“2. Focus on experiences over possessions.”
This is a huge one for me, mainly because I have a tendency to collect stuff that deep down, I really don’t need.
A couple of weeks ago I was in Colorado and was considering a trip to the REI store in downtown Denver. Thankfully laziness got the best of me, as I choose to sit by the fire in our hotel lobby with a cup of coffee and read a book.
Ironically, it was Packing Light.
Not only did I enjoy my time, I spent $5 (yes, Starbucks) rather than $200 on clothes I don’t need.
As a Denver resident I know how amazing that REI store is (sorry that doesn’t help really does it? – lol) and how easy it is to get caught up in the moment there! Congrats on resisting. Denver has so many other wonderful experiences to offer – including a wealth of fireplaces just perfect for relaxing with a book. Hopefully that $200 can be put toward a return visit and a chance to see more of Denver!
There is always a time when you don’t know how to react when close ones ask uncomfortable questions like “why don’t we buy christmas presents to each other?”. There is a set of behavioral rules in society which say that this kind of behavior is expressing your love.
In your case the gift is the compromis you found both, to spend on flight tickets. And the gift in here are not the tickets, but thinking the same way.
Every time I see a “Shop, Shop, Shop” holiday sign… I think of this movie scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVgl1HOxpj8
My husband and I don’t buy each other Christmas presents either. We’re just not that into it. Instead, we go out for a nice meal at one of our favorite local restaurants a few days before all the family/holiday hullabaloo begins. It’s something we love to do together, and it’s much more meaningful to us. I don’t think that’s weird at all! :)
My husband and I do exchange gifts, but we try to make them things that are useful or very enjoyable. I usually get him a desk calendar for work from one of his favorite comic strips. He will get me something like a new a pair of scissors for my sewing. We will buy music or a board game to enjoy and share with our friends.
My husband and I like to get each other a few small things. But when he asked me if there was anything I wanted this year, and I just said a Barnes and Noble gift card and an afternoon to myself to browse books and read! I’m a stay-at-home mom of a 3 year old and I have another baby on the way, so time to myself is a precious gift!
Thank you for sharing this wonderful message.
I loved your post as well as all the great comments on this post.
My husband and I have been married 19 years and have never (?) bought eachother Christmas gifts. We also don’t do gifts for other holidays (ex anniversaries, valentines…). Sometimes we agree together to spend $ on something we want or need and we prefer this b/c it means no wasted money or pressure to buy because someone, somewhere, decided that’s the way it should be. I enjoy filling stockings for our kiddos and for Christmas give them 3 gifts max, following a fairly small budget (though this year we offered cash instead to our 17 yr old so he could apply it where he wants). We don’t give gifts to other friends, family either. I like to give gifts here and there throughout the year, if someone is on my heart, or take a friend to lunch for their bday, but not feel like I am obliged to do so at a particular time of year. That sucks the joy out of it.
Kika — I’m glad we’re not alone in our lack of gift-giving to each other. We can go at least another 17 years and know we’re not crazy :)
My husband and I, together with our two young children, built an Advent Tree – full of “experiences” to commemorate the holiday season. And the only tag on that tree that has to do with buying gifts is a tag that reads “purchase and deliver a gift from an Angel Tree”. Our children are so excited to do these things together – much more than spending days and days at the mall shopping for gifts that friends and family don’t need. Here’s a link to our advent tree:
http://www.krusesworkshop.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-family-advent-tree.html
Thanks for sharing, HeidI! I love the idea of collecting experiences rather than gifts.
Great idea!! Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, because it’s all about family and friends gathering to enjoy each others’ company. It’s not about presents or decorating! This year my family is all gathering in Maine to enjoy a white Christmas at one member’s home. That is present enough for me!! It will cost all of us to make this happen. We have agreed to stick to small gifts. We will have a WONDERFUL holiday!
Thank you for sharing, Bonnie!
If you aren’t celebrating your holidays with ease and joy, give yourself permission to experiment with making some changes. You don’t have to make your changes permanent. Just keep experimenting until you find what works for you and your family. This can help take some of the fear out of getting away from the status quo.
I love that, Karla. Keep experimenting. We’ll take you up on that challenge!
We flip a switch and the lights come on. We turn a knob and there is hot water for a shower. A dial on the stove gives us fire to cook with and there is food in the fridge. My wife and I have what we need and Chirstmas presents cannot improve on that. Better the money that we would spend on presents goes to the local food bank for those who are not minimalist by choice.
Great point, Bob. Thank you.
In the five and a half years my wife and I have been married we have not exchanged gifts for any occasion. We did exchange gifts the year we dated because we thought it was expected. But we soon agreed that gifts don’t add much to the celebration of Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. We realize that such a practice is not right for every couple, but it works for us.
Glad we’re not alone in that. For now, it works really well for us, too.
We are crafting a lighter, more beautiful life for ourselves by choosing that when we need something (not on any calendar holiday) we make it ourselves. If it is outside our realm of expertise and if it is truly important we will find someone to make it by hand for us. This comes in well when living a simple life, it makes every item an item to consider. Long ago we stopped buying gifts for “the holidays”, we celebrate seasons instead.
It’s been nearly 20 years since our family made the decision to sponsor children & give to charity instead of buying presents for each other at Christmas. We came to the realization that we have so much, and that gifts were being exchanged out of obligation to the season, which often caused financial stress to our loved ones. We also asked our extended family to support their favorite charity in lieu of giving us gifts. We have to say that that was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made!! It amazes me how ‘giving’ our children have become, and I have never once heard them say that they wished we did things differently.
What a well written post. Thank you! I’m so glad I found your blog a short while back. I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought this way – like the odd man out so to speak. For me I would like to spend Christmas Day “with” my loved ones enjoying each other and then volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter. I believe serving others in whatever way I can at this time of the year, and all year long is what it’s all about.
Here’s to being the odd “men” out together. :)
My husband and I started off giving each other gifts for holidays in the usual way, but now, for most, we just go on a date instead. Less stuff, and we have a great time together.
That’s a great idea, Christy.
This was perfect for me today. My family has always had a simple Christmas. My parents focused on tradition and experience over gifts – which was hard as a tween and teen seeing friends with trees overflowing with gifts – but now as an adult it is easier to focus on how we celebrate, rather than what we buy. We look forward to traditions of viewing the lights, hitting a local holiday concert and baking cookies with friends.
I do have to admit that last night I found myself in a home decor shop drooling over all the lovely holiday decorations. But the part of me that is determined to “become minimalist” clicked on just in time – phew! Instead of buying any new decorations I went home and searched the house for anything we owned that was green, red, silver or blue – candles, bowls, frames, books, a plant, balls of yarn, etc. I created a table centerpiece inspired by the displays I saw at the store all from items around the house. The best part is that a couple of the items were passed down to me from grandparents so I have a beautiful reminder of them throughout the holidays. AND I don’t have to find a place to store new *stuff*.
Good for you for “shopping” in your own home!
That is so cool that the shopping inspired you to use what you had already. I found myself debating on getting a wine rack and saw one listed as a towel/wine rack. I unburied a similar rack neglected in my laundry room, removed the feet and hung it on the wall gigging it new life holding wine. It been three days since I did that and I am still energized!
Joshua, this is a lovely post in a very real sense, but Allison is writing here for those who already have so much. By not exchanging gifts with her spouse she has lost the memory of giving her husband a can opener for their first Christmas and sharing that story with her children for Christmases to come so that their children can appreciate the romance of sharing paucity and watching them exchange or share a simple gift every year — for example, a flannel nightgown for mom, a hardback book for dad. Having soup Christmas Eve and Grandma Gill’s nut bread for breakfast Christmas morning are the way we’ve always done it and experiences over possessions — it’s fun and it’s easy. I highly recommend it to all your readers! Kids really do love it! It builds family and memories the kids absolutely LOVE. Something else you may want to look into Joshua is Ali Edwards, and paper crafting “goddess.” She has a December Daily scrapbook project she has worked on for years, you can go to her website and blog to see it over the years, http://www.aliedwards.com. Her kids love it and she memorializes family traditions — decorating, visiting Santa, writing Santa letters, that sort of thing; one can personalize with more religious traditions such as lighting an Advent wreath weekly, setting up a nativity scene, choosing a Christmas tree, decorating the tree, baking, visiting with family, etc. Anyway, her kids love looking at past years’ books, she packs them with decorations and the love seeing it every year and participating in the current year’s each year. She also uses it for story telling/keeping.
Excellent advice. In the past year I have made sure that all those ads that used to magically show up in my email get ‘unsubscribed.’ I almost never watch tv anymore, so i don’t see ads there either. And, i find i don’t feel like i should get something new and shiny just because it is a really good deal (i used to do this.)
We just bought a condo and we close in mid January. We have no spare money this year, or spare time, so our tree this year is a small live potted one which will move with us and live on the balcony. I can’t lie – this was hard for me. i LOVE christmas trees, and i collect one of a kind ornaments when we travel that we only see once a year, and knowing i was skipping that this year was a bit tough to accept, but once i made the decision, it was fine.
my husband and i tend to go back and forth on gifts. on years when we don’t have something big going on, we tend to get each other a bigger ticket item we know the other person was considering anyway, but other years we do a “$20 Challenge” so we have a gift from each other to open at the big family christmas event – so the aim is get the most interesting/fun/cool gift you can for $20 or less. We did that two years ago when we were planning a wedding, we did it when we were just dating when his business had a terrible year because of the economy, and we will do it this year with the condo purchasing (we figure we just bought property – merry christmas to each other!)
my mother is trying to get rid of a 4 bedroom house worth of stuff and move so i refuse to buy her ‘things.’ she just got a movie gift card for her birthday this past weekend and is getting two sets of theatre tickets for christmas.
now, if i could just get my brother and sister-in-law on board. they are enormous consumers. (*sigh*)
I do love real trees and my eclectic collection of ornaments begun by my mom who passes away 12 ys ago. I imagine that this would be hard to give up.
Andrea — thank you for sharing your story. It’s amazing how insulating ourselves from at least some of the advertisements helps us make more responsible decisions about our purchases.
Tim sending you good thuoghts!The way you pick up what’s scary and run with it tucked under your arm next to your heart is an inspiration to many more people than you know! You keep writing I’ll be here reading!xo, Allison
Encouraging words! We have found that genuine words of encouragement are a beautiful, lasting gift to others. Equal to that is the gift of listening…..with definite focus. Written words that touch the heart will be read again and again. Tangible gifts are sometimes given by people in our life to express heart words that can not be spoken…..whatever the reason. To accept and embrace another persons way of showing love is a gift we give them and ourself. To be true to our own way of showing love is as important as accepting another persons language of love………”the greatest of these is love”.
Katie — yes! Words can be such a beautiful, lasting gift. Lovely.
My husband and I have been married 15 years, and we also don’t give each other gifts. We love to sit together in the warmth of the Christmas lights and listen to Christmas music (Sufjan Stevens – Christmas in the Room! mmm, exquisite) after the kids go to bed, though. That has become one of my favorite gifts to share with him at Christmas time.
Sufjan Stevens! I forgot about that album, but I love it. Thanks for reminding me.
Beautifully expressed, Allison, and I hope everyone who reads it takes it to heart and spreads your message. Because you’re right–the hardest part about choosing to buck the gift-giving status quo is worrying about how we’re going to look to others. Which means that the more of us who can validate the “experiences over possessions” mindset for each other, the more we’ll reinforce that for ourselves collectively as the new norm.
As someone who doesn’t like to be surrounded by too much stuff, I present a challenge to my friends and family at holiday time. :) What seems to work, though, is telling them that if they offer me an experience (a visit to somewhere fun or beautiful, a simple meal out–or even better, made by them from scratch and enjoyed together, etc.), then they’ll be gifting *both* of us with a lovely memory rather than just giving *me* a thing.
I think it’s important to honor the urge to give gifts…that’s a natural expression of love and caring. But if we can do it in ways that are sustainable and enriching, we will have those “eternal value” memories you talk about. And I’d rather recall a nice memory than have to dust another shelved artifact any day!
Michelle — I love what you said about honoring the urge to give gifts. And thank you for sharing your insight about how to follow that urge in a way that is sustainable and enriching (great language). Thank you for your comment.
My boyfriend and I decided as soon as we got serious that we wouldn’t give each other presents. Sometimes it feels odd when I hear of other couples spoiling each other, but then I think to myself we are debt free and travelling around South America partly because we are wasting time , energy or Monet on useless stuff. Thanks for reminding me why we began our tradition of non-gift giving.
Thanks great! Glad you liked the post.
My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years and never brought Christmas present for each other or any other occasion . When we see something and the timing is right we get it. We don’t need a special occasion If you keep life simple and have less expectations you will never be disappointed . Less really is more. Enjoy and cherish what’s in the heart.
Lynn — I love the freedom to buy gifts anytime, rather than the “obligation” to buy them for an occasion. Thanks for sharing.
That is the way my husband and I prefer gift-giving as well. For us, holidays and birthdays are about being together with friends and family and sharing a great meal or a special activity.
“Try not to get too stuck on the way you’ve always done it before” This is great advice.
Thanks Eileen!
So true. My family and I decided to avoid buying presents for Christmas, but a present hand made is always appreciated (cookies, cakes…yummy;-) Being together – that’s Christmas!
Being together is the best gift!
Especially during a year when an important member has passed away. Gifts and money do not seem very important.
I love your post and agree with many points. As a family we have set a limit on the cost of presents and made cut off points. Also some of us far prefer a donation to a charity near to our hearts instead of personal gifts. Bearing that in mind some of my gifts come from a charity run by my church. This is a training school set up to rehab and educate young children rescued from child prostitution.
I love the idea of donating to a charity in lieu of doing gifts. Thanks for sharing that, Suzan.
Try kiva.org for great charitable ideas that will feed your spirit!