Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Ally of AllisonFallon.com.
“When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.” —Bob Hope
I believe it is possible to do less, buy less, cook less, work less and even decorate less and still have a full, happy, satisfying, beautiful holiday season. But in order to get there, and stay there, we’re going to have to focus on a few changes of mindset.
Or, at least I am.
The other day my husband and I were driving to an event together and, out of nowhere, he asked, “Hey, do you realize we’ve never bought each other Christmas presents?”
Honestly, when he asked that question, my heart leapt a little. I knew it was true, but it sounded so harsh to say it outright like that. In fact, I found myself feeling a little embarrassed, thinking of a million excuses for why this was the case…
“We’ve only been married for two Christmases…”
“We’ve been trying to get out of debt…”
“The first Christmas we were together, we were busy planning a wedding…”
But just as I started to let my thoughts get away from me, my husband spoke up again. “Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.”
The truth is it doesn’t really bother me. But I find myself thinking it does. I find myself worrying what people will think, or what they’ll say if they find out. I find myself thinking about what others are doing for the holidays that I’m not doing; and feeling pressure to make my holiday season look and feel a certain way.
But our decision to forgo Christmas presents (which was mostly out of necessity at the time we made it) has actually opened space for us to have a lighter, simpler, more beautiful Christmas. I’m not against celebrating, or against buying presents. In fact, my husband and I may buy each other presents one day.
But I do believe the common maxim “less is more” applies to the holidays more than it does to just about anything else. And I think each of us will discover a more satisfying holiday if we’ll focus on the following changes in mindset.
1. Don’t get too stuck on “the way you’ve done it before.”
If you grew up in a family or neighborhood (like I did) that went all out for Christmas, maybe scaling back for your own holiday celebration makes you feel a little bit like I felt when my husband reminded me we have never bought each other presents—like a failure. Or, like you’re doing it wrong.
I have good news. There is no wrong way to do it!
Try not to get too stuck on the way you’ve always done it before. Instead, focus on the values you want to cultivate in your family or community or home this year, and experiment with creative ways to promote those values. Also, if you’re entering a new season of life (newly independent, newly married, have young children, or have a newly empty nest), what better time to start fresh with a brand new “way?”
If you’ve always been extravagant in the past, you don’t have to “live up” to that version of yourself, or to anyone else. Take a deep breath. You’re not a failure.
2. Focus on experiences over possessions.
One of the reasons my husband and I have never bought Christmas presents for each other is that we are always traveling for the holidays. We live far from all of our extended family, and in order to spend time with family (without breaking the bank) we have had to choose between plane tickets and Christmas presents.
We’ve agreed together that, when it comes buying habits, we will always (not just at Christmas) value experiences over possessions. Possessions are nice, but they rust, rot, get stolen and burn in fires. Experiences can’t be taken from us. They have eternal value.
Consider how you cultivate experiences this year, rather than just buying gifts which will likely end up in the Goodwill pile in a few months or years.
3. Do the best you can with what you have.
This is advice a mentor of mine once gave me about a totally different subject, but I think it applies here, as well. When I was getting ready to go on a date, she would advise me not to go buy brand new clothes, or to feel like I needed to lose 10 pounds before the date, but simply to, “Do the best you can with what you have.”
In other words: be the best version of yourself.
I would give really similar advice when it comes to Christmas. Do the best you can with what you have. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy presents, or that having a Christmas tree is a waste. It simply means don’t go into debt over presents or trees. It means decide what you’re going to spend on Christmas—and it doesn’t have to be extravagant—and then do the best you can with what you have.
4. Turn off the TV (or find other ways to avoid being swayed by advertisements).
You’d be surprised how influenced you are by advertisements. Suddenly you begin thinking that everyone has a better Christmas planned than you do. Everyone’s Christmas tree belongs in a department store, and everyone’s husband is buying them diamond earrings, and everyone else is buying their kids new computers.
That’s simply not true, no matter how convincing the ads make it look.
The other thing that’s not true is that families who have these things are automatically happier (like they are in the commercials) than your family, or other families who go without. Presents are nice. But they can’t make you happy.
If you want a truly happy holiday season, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate happiness from the inside.
What tips do you have for creating a lighter, more beautiful life?
***coming minimalist@gmail.com
I’m feeling frustrated by “the way we’ve always done it” and family expectations after this year’s Christmas. I’m especially over “stocking stuffer” toys. My 3 year old had broken his toys beyond repair before the end of Christmas day. I felt like I wanted to throw up when i saw it and thought about the stress we had put ourselves through trying to get that you for him, all because grandparents thought it would make for a “good Christmas.” Next year we will care less about what family thinks we should do and start building traditions that are meaningful for us.
I hear that. As an empty nester, that was frustrating as it was the biggest money waster ever!. Growing up I got candy. Somehow it ended up with more nonsense and wasteful junk. Dump it.
I make homemade soup, garlic bread, salad, and apple crisp on Christmas eve. I change up the soup and sometimes the dessert. I put on Christmas music. It is about visiting, slowing down, and spending time with people who we don’t get to see very often. No gifts. Candlelight. It’s all I need.
My husband and I have been married 50 years. We stopped giving gifts on all occasions many, many years ago, but we have enjoyed many wonderful trips. Each other’s love is all we have ever needed.
I know a wonderful couple married for 50 years who re-exchange the same cards to each other. I love that they have a battered card that they just hang onto and give as a present to each other every year. It’s beautiful.
This piece is giving me a new light. “Present are nice. But they can’t make you happy”. This year is a very different year for me. My sister went back to school and took an intense five weeks class and passed them with flying colors. It is something I am very proud of because she had made it her priority. That’s what made her happy is to be doing what she loves to do and very well. When that has hit her at 51, that was what she had to do, it is a big decision and she made it simpler than anything she has done so far. Getting married, having twins, moving out and selling her estates. She has met all the milestones and I am very proud of her doing so well, one of the best present for herself, and to my two daughters. All the points made is perfectly and very well said, Allison.
Ever since I left the military, my financial resources have been quite lean, more times than others. I don’t have any family of my own, except my adult siblings and mother, who are all still alive, and live out of state from me. It only took one-time for my cats to knock over my decorated tree and lights for me to to make the decision of having a “minimalist” Christmas. I figure, I can always buy myself presents anytime of the year, if my funds are available. Being in retail, working during the holidays is not unheard of, and I enjoy coming home to a quiet house after a busy day of people going crazy doing their holiday shopping. The way I look at it, the holidays, namely shopping, has becoming a “rich man’s” game.
We gave up Christmas years ago. I thought I’d miss it, but I don’t. I was in Michael’s the other day and saw all the plastic & glitter and thought, “Most of this will end up in the landfill or cluttering people’s houses.” What we embraced was family togetherness, sharing meals, helping each other, gifts that matter and have meaning once in a while, enjoying the “dark time of the year” with comfort food (in moderation) and candles and coming to understand the truth about Jesus, his life & ministry and what it means for all people. The list could go on…but honestly, Christmas has gotten way out of hand.
Thank you so much for this post! Each year my conviction grows stronger that Christmas arrives in all it’s bounty and richness when we make it simple and meaningful in our own way. :) I’m going to share this on my blog with a link back to here.
https://meinthemiddlewrites.com/
I love everything about this post! My husband and I decided not to get eachother gifts the year we got married. Now that we have kids, they each get 3 gifts at Christmas (because the wise men brought 3 gifts for Jesus). Last year, we introduced “adventure gifts” which goes along with what you wrote about experiences over possessions. They’re pretty young, but they grasped the concept pretty well. They just went to Disney on ice for one of their early Christmas presents and we’re planning a trip to NYC for their birthdays.
We have always minimized the gift-giving aspect of any holiday. In recent years, as our children have become young adults, we have focused more on charitable gifts in each other’s honour. Last week, on my birthday, my 20 year old son (home for holidays from university) and his girlfriend made a point of being home in the evening (in the busy week before Christmas) so that we could play a board game together. It was the best birthday gift I could have received!
Well, we do exchange gifts, but try to buy things we need. One year, I got a dishwasher, as no one here likes doing dishes…next year, a new stove as old one wasn’t working right.
This year, I’m getting BF some badly needed camo hunting clothes and some things to organize tools, nails, bolts, etc and nice saw horses.
I bought as a family gift, new camping cookware. Replacing bulky, castoffs that have seen better days.
He really enjoys the surprise of gift giving and I am a horrible snoop. Soo he’s learned to not put out gifts ahead of time. But in my defense, when you wrap up pots and pans you may want to put them in a box first….heehee.
So basically its practical, replacement gifts…
This year, after dropping plenty of not so subtle hints…..I’m hoping for something totally impractical, given on one knee.
My husband and I have not exchanged gifts in nearly 30 years. Not for Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries. This past year we agreed to skip the greeting cards we normally did for those 3 occasions. It makes no sense; verbally tell your partner what is in your heart (or don’t). We took a first cruise for our 25th anniversary. We enjoy spending money on experiences, not things. We are so rich in experiences and don’t care about fancy stuff. We, by no means, are poor in material possessions, but those things are well thought out purchases.
We are happy, healthy, and enjoying an early retirement.
Thank you for this. Here I am sitting at home on Christmas Day afternoon, and no big day celebration for me. For me, Christmas is all about giving to others in need – and if I was well enough I would be organising an orphans Christmas dinner – but I hae had to give that up because of disability. So instead, I am making items to give to a variety of charities with my Christmas Day. I do this a fair amount through the year, but today they are special and include a prayer for those who will receive them.
We have been married for 17 years, and never given a Christmas, or for that matter a birthday gift. But once a year, we agree to buy for each other something significant we want or need. Then we declare that this is our gift for this year. We usually wait until we can get the best value for the item in sales, or better still, get it second hand. It takes out all the pressure of having the right gift, it becomes a joint decision, so we are getting what the other person really wants, and we fit it into the ups and downs of the budget.
my partner and I do BAVC gifts, birthday anniversary Valentin’s and Christmas as one gift. I had to be something that the other really want or needs and can be given anytime of the year
Thank You So Much!! WOW! I am so stressed by the holidays and the expectations and have been for my entire life. I need support and inspiration like you have given in this post. What a PERFECT idea not to give each other presents! Wow, as silly as it sounds, that has never occurred to me. It will give such a huge relief to my long-time boyfriend to release him from that burden. He is wonderful, but finding gifts for me is not his area of giftedness. His birthday and Christmas gifts have been not good. He is generous and good to me throughout the year, and that is what matters. And I struggle to find something-anything for him because he has so much stuff; usually give gift cards. It may not be right for everyone, but what a big relief for both of us. Great, encouraging post! Thank you!!
Yeah the xmas spirit and the adds and Hollywood xmas movies. This is getting to me too, every year. But since I just read this article I can over come that.
My husband and I don’t to xmas gifts for us, just for the kids. If we want something and have the money, we buy it year arround. Since we can have everything at anytime, there are no surprises under the tree.
This year we spend xmas eve with my family in Berlin, and they still do presents. But I do have a problem to just buy a present, for me I must see the purpose and if they really need it. Last year I told my family I don’t want any presents, only something they know I would like and can use. I was totaly at pease with myself. But I recieved 2 gifts, which I like and could use. But if I had got nothing, it would have totaly be fine.
I am not big with churches, but like to remind the other of the being together, rather than giving gifts.
In just 2 weeks the whole magic holiday thing will be already over and 2014 has begun.
Have a lovely time and greetings from Germany
We have scaled way back on the presents. I used to agonize on what to buy. Now bake cookies and send them to my godparents cause I know they don’t get home baked cookies. I buy clothes for the grandkids (something in their age group with sparkles) cause I know they get tons of toys. I try to be practical but different, like aprons for my sister in laws and maybe a handmade ornament. Its less stress and more fulfilling to me, Hubby and I travel home for christmas and that is our agift to each other or we set a small limit (he always go over though LOL
Allison,
this is a great idea… my husband and I always forced each other to buy gifts so that we look like everyone… but we bought them together and pretended to be surprise… being minimalist, this is becoming ridiculous… we are actually thinking of spending 2014 without giving any material gifts to each other all year long… for not one occasion… no father’s or mother’s day…. no anniversaries… or wedding anniversaries… not for Christmas… nothing!!!!!
thanks for helping us out!!!!
love&peace,
nath
“2. Focus on experiences over possessions.”
This is a huge one for me, mainly because I have a tendency to collect stuff that deep down, I really don’t need.
A couple of weeks ago I was in Colorado and was considering a trip to the REI store in downtown Denver. Thankfully laziness got the best of me, as I choose to sit by the fire in our hotel lobby with a cup of coffee and read a book.
Ironically, it was Packing Light.
Not only did I enjoy my time, I spent $5 (yes, Starbucks) rather than $200 on clothes I don’t need.
As a Denver resident I know how amazing that REI store is (sorry that doesn’t help really does it? – lol) and how easy it is to get caught up in the moment there! Congrats on resisting. Denver has so many other wonderful experiences to offer – including a wealth of fireplaces just perfect for relaxing with a book. Hopefully that $200 can be put toward a return visit and a chance to see more of Denver!
There is always a time when you don’t know how to react when close ones ask uncomfortable questions like “why don’t we buy christmas presents to each other?”. There is a set of behavioral rules in society which say that this kind of behavior is expressing your love.
In your case the gift is the compromis you found both, to spend on flight tickets. And the gift in here are not the tickets, but thinking the same way.
Every time I see a “Shop, Shop, Shop” holiday sign… I think of this movie scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVgl1HOxpj8