A good story can entertain, motivate, and teach valuable lessons.
That is why it is important we pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves.
Stories can change how we see the world. But they can also impact how we see ourselves—especially if we tell ourselves the same ones over and over again.
I had a rule when my kids were young. Under no circumstances would they wear clothing that told an unflattering story.
You know the type. Most of the time, designers created them to be funny. They use brightly colored fonts on a t-shirt with sayings like: “Here comes trouble.” “Wild Child.” Or “Just a kid that loves to watch YouTube.”
And I suppose they are kinda funny to the adults in the room. I just didn’t want my kids wearing them. The last thing I wanted every time my child walked into a room was everybody greeting him/her by saying, “Oh, here comes trouble!” Or “Here’s Wild Child!”
If every time my child walked into a room they were referred to as “trouble,” it wouldn’t take long before they began to believe that story and act on it.
The stories we tell ourselves matter. And the stories we allow others to tell us about ourselves matter as well.
Too often, as adults we miss this fact. Or we get so used to the same stories over and over again, we forget that we get to write our own.
Somewhere along the way we adopted the story as truth. So we believe certain things to be true about ourselves:
- I can’t declutter my home, I’m just a messy person.
- I can’t get in shape, it’s not my thing.
- I can’t be brave, I’m a worrier.
- I can’t quit smoking, I’ve tried.
- I can’t be stable, my entire family is dysfunctional.
- I can’t achieve that lifelong goal, I’m just not wired that way.
In almost every one of the circumstances above, it’s not you that can’t achieve the change you want to see in life… it’s the story you are telling yourself that is keeping you from achieving that goal.
And you can change the story you tell yourself any time you want!
You don’t have to be a messy person.
You don’t have to be unhealthy.
You don’t have to be a worrier.
And on and on and on.
Those old stories don’t have to define you. Start telling yourself a new one!
You accomplish this in two ways: 1) The words that you use and 2) The actions you take.
I am a fan of positive self-talk. But I’m wise enough to know that you don’t just speak change into existence. Change takes work, effort, and discipline. But the first step is to change how you talk to yourself. That is why positive self-talk is so valuable.
Every positive change begins with these four words: “I can do this.”
So start there.
If you are a person who struggles with eating healthy and have always believed you cannot change, start each morning with one simple phrase, “I can do this.” Look yourself in the mirror and say it aloud, “I can do this. I can change my diet. I can be a healthier eater.”
And then follow it up with action.
How? By choosing to only eat fruits and vegetables every meal for the rest of your life? Probably not. But your first step in the right direction doesn’t need to be a large one. Change one meal. Go one day without sugar. Or change your order at the restaurant.
When you go to bed, remind yourself, “I did it. I ate healthier today. I feel better about myself. I can do it again tomorrow. I can become a healthier person.”
Almost certainly there will be progress and setbacks. When the setbacks happen, don’t fall back into the same old story of “See, I knew I couldn’t do it.” Tell yourself a new story, “I can’t believe I took a step backward! I was doing so well. I will start again tomorrow. I can do it.”
The stories we tell ourselves matter. Choose positive ones that foster the life you want to live and the person you want to become.
About Joshua Becker
Wow!! The Universe (all the bigger influences in my life) must really be united in offering me this lesson about the truth of the stories I tell myself. A few months ago I listed to Brenè Brown’s podcast, Rising strong – about the stories we tell ourselves. And why. Then last week a cherished friend loaned me a copy of Love What Is by Byron Katie, a strategy for distilling the truth in our stories. And now, my own minimalist mentor, Joshua Becker, is encouraging us to explore what stories we have accepted about ourselves as we declutter our homes, our lives, our heads. Ok, I’m getting the big picture and feeling liberated! Thanks to all of you in this with me!
I really love when in an article excellent content meets excellent phrasing.
Thank you, Joshua!
Yep, we are what we do. And the narratives we dictate to ourselves affect how we live. Who we are. Who we’ll become. Do what you’ve always done, get what you always got.
Great message, Joshua.
I co-sign this wholeheartedly. I believe everything we do and everything we are comes down to story. When my boys were little and had bad dreams, what helped them was when I said ‘a dream is just a story you’re telling yourself in your head.’ It’s all about recognising you are the author of a particular narrative and thus you have the power to change it, at any given time. Thanks for putting this so succinctly. Yes we can :-)
I watched a helpful video on this topic by a guy who goes by Shoeless Joe on Youtube. He has made a list of habits he does and does not want to do, on a list in his phone. Then he reads them to himself first thing in the morning and right before bed. What I found really helpful was that instead of writing them in commands to himself or future tense, he recitied them to himself in present tense. So instead of, “Stop eating sugar” or “I will stop eating sugar”, he says “I dont eat sugar”. I thought this was a very clever, helpful way to help train our brains with the right story.
I am a new person in Christ. This is just another example. Thank you for the encouragement
“I can do all things through Christ who give me strength!”
I very much enjoyed reading this article. It hit home for me. I am trying to make positive changes and reduce my thoughts of constant struggle with my habits. “i can do this” is a very positive mantra. I’ve seen it before, but for some reason reading your article makes it seem doable. “I can do this!” Thanks, Chris
Chris, what Josha said is right. I like you, have struggled with much and the positive self talk is just what I need! Great article to read!
Wonderfully written, I too needed to read this. Simple yet powerful actions that can change our inner self, then changing our external circumstances. Thank you.
Thank you! I’m trying to write a more positive story for myself. This was an article I needed to read today, as I sit here hearing those old negative stories replaying in my ego yet again.
Thank you, I needed to read this today . . .
Loved this! Am sharing it on my weekly roundup of articles/recipes to assist Weight Watchers on their journey. Thanks so much for this thoughtful, powerful post.
As a WW member myself, I’m taking this article to heart.
In my opinion, this is one of your very best posts. Thank you so much.
I grew up in an extreme cult version of positive self talk and I find positive self talk especially triggering. I can’t handle when people tell me that I have attracted the negative in to my life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I believe in unicorns and fairies and good people and taking care of our planet and each other. My heart bursts with love for so much good. I have also been horrendously abused for decades. I NEVER attracted abuse.
Your post here talks about changing a pattern. Changing the way you form or unform habits. And this, Joshua, feels like a solid footing for positive self talk. Thank you for not triggering me and for giving this a new spin on positive self talk.
I have also been extremely aware of the messages we send out, and have been ultra cautious about the words we have around us. Even phrases that come out of our mouth.
Thank you again.
Thank you so much for this story.
This is not new information but it’s worth is never ever lost. Each time these things are published they may reach someone different and it may be the day that they read it and start the process, OR maybe it reaches someone who has heard it all before, but needs the reminder that day for whatever is going on at that moment in life. Comme moi. :)
So important! The stories we tell ourselves are often untrue. Thank you for speaking about positive self talk and change. We have the power to make this change. Keep up the great writing, Joshua! I am a big fan.
This is absolutely true. Thank you for the reminder and action steps to make it simple.
We think alike.
This is great. Love it. Thank you.
Great short piece to remind self about story, by narrating example of T-shirts and what is written there , I believe yes it does go into head and we start behaving or acting like that. Have experience it few year back when decided to run marathon and changed the story in head to make it
So true! Words matter. They matter with children as well as with adults. Our narratives often need to be examined and rewritten.