I am often struck by the imagery and themes of Christmas. Among them, rings peace and reconciliation.
According to the Biblical account of Christmas, the first announcement of the baby’s birth was made by angels to shepherds outside of Bethlehem. And it went like this…
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”
The Christmas season is to be a celebration of peace, goodwill, and reconciliation. Yet, for many families, thoughts of peace rarely accompany the holiday season. Instead, the exact opposite is all too common. Years of bitterness, resentment, and depression have been piled on top of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misbehavior.
Family peace was lost years ago—and is yet to be reclaimed.
Family relationships can cause conflict, turmoil, and stress at any time, but the tensions are often heightened during the holidays—that is what makes the Christmas season so difficult for many. Family misunderstandings and conflicts naturally intensify when you are thrown together for several days—or if you are separated because of them.
It is time to get over our differences. And instead, to offer goodwill and reclaim peace in our family relationships.
This Christmas, give the gift of overdue peace. (tweet that)
1. Determine to be responsible for your attitude, not other’s. True, you can’t control the attitude of others, but you are the only one responsible for yours. Take an active stand against the attitudes of bitterness and rejection in your family. Because if we know anything about resentment, we know that it will swallow everyone in its path until someone takes a stand against it.
2. Embrace humility. Long-running family strife is rarely caused by one individual. It may have started with an inappropriate word, misdeed, or misunderstanding, but its unresolution is the fault of many. Embrace humility and forgiveness even if you are not the author of the conflict. If you are harboring resentment towards another human being because of past hurts, choose to forgive and move on. The harm was their fault. But allowing it to weigh down your life today is yours.
3. Accept disagreement and put it behind you. It is foolish and prideful to assume that everyone is going to agree with you. Whether your family disagreements center on worldview, religion, parenting styles, or sports’ teams, your ability to love others despite them is central to interpersonal relationships. Healthy families don’t reject their members who think differently—they become stronger because of them. This Christmas, seek to listen and hear rather than judge and lecture.
4. Take the first step. Make the bold decision to be the first in your family to offer peace and reconciliation. This step is often as simple as a phone call. Try this for a lead-in, “Hey, I’m just calling to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know we’ve had disagreements in the past, but I just want you to know that I love you very much and I hope we can put them behind us…” And while one phone call may not heal years of deep personal pain and rejection, it is often the first step that never gets taken.
This post will be read nearly 20,000 times in these coming days leading up to Christmas. And while it’s unreasonable to assume that that many families will find peace because of it, it is reasonable to assume that maybe one family, somewhere, will be brought together and find peace again because of it—and that thought alone makes it worth it.
After all, maybe (just maybe), it will be your family. Or maybe even mine.
I always understood the role marketers had in creating the perceived need for things but I never thought about how they tied it into the idea of family. It makes sense as a marketing strategy though. Show your family how much you love them by buying them gifts. It’s sickening and sad.
This is a hard one the strife in my family relates to violence and abuse and I will never be the one to offer the olive branch especially when the perpetrator/s deem themselves innocent of crimes
The peace in my family comes from me keeping the distance and starting my family circle from me
We had a quiet uneventful Xmas this year with no distress and I received the best Xmas present
My daughter wrote me a beautiful letter telling me how much she loves me ❤️
You are not alone. It would be easily fixed if all family conflict was as simple as a difference in world views, religion, parenting styles or sports teams. Toxic, abusive and mentally ill family members make it impossible and it’s not always the best course of action to try to reconcile. Peace is sometimes just staying apart.
One BIG suggestion: If you are planning on going to others homes for holiday…OFFER to bring something toward meal. And don’t offer the day of celebration…the host already has menu planned by then…if you live a distance away atleast offer to bring some beverages, appetizers, or treats since you may be delayed or have to cancel due to weather. Then meal won’t be missing anything if you can’t make it, but you are still contributing if you do show.
I’m so over trying to be everything for everyone. Refused to be bamboozled into hosting every family holiday, did that for years. Why should I stress over having several meals, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and serving. People who have complaints are more than welcome to host next gathering. I am having one family holiday, calling it ThanXmas.
When asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving, I said not planning on doing one. Hmm people looked surprised, but there was no invite…if it doesn’t mean enough for others to host, then I no longer feel obligated to have it either.
Nothings worse than main course of resentment served with side dish of guilt.
“ThanXmas”! One has to say it aloud in order to catch the pronunciation, and it’s a great idea!
Thank you for your wise and wonderful words Joshua! I look forward to reading your posts and am yet to read one that doesn’t offer me something to ponder, something to cherish and/or something to share. Your writing is a gift – thank you!!
One problem with heightened consumerism this time of year is that it emphasizes all the things people lack. For those who are minimalism-minded, that’s not a problem. More insidious, however, is the season’s obssesive marketing messages about “family” and “being together is what it’s all about” and so on. There are so many gravely troubled families, children who are not cherished, families who are distant for legitimate, self-preserving reasons, or families who are nothing more than acquaintances. I think the notion of “family” this time of year can be almost fetishistic and somewhat shallow. It’s everywhere and unlike the feeling of lack caused by the frenzied marketing of consumer items to which we can simply say “no”, the feeling of lack created by the aggressive marketing of “family” is substantial, and profound.
Nailed it and Beautifully stated! Thank you for taking the time to put it so well :)
Just packed a huge Christmas parcel with books for everyone in the family. Need to make some space here, and have something to read for when I visit them :-D
Great post with potential long lasting consequences towards love, peace and reconciliation.
My father and I fell out over things he’d said to my sister and for two years I refused to talk to him and sent him a rather damning letter listing our conflicts over the years.
Our relationship had never been overly great so I thought I wouldn’t be losing out on anything.
One day out of the blue he rang me up and said he has cancer, can I forgive him and wipe the slate clean?
After pondering this and knowing my father, this must have taken a Herculean effort on his part to reach out this olive branch.
So I took it and although we are not in each others pockets, my life and very soul has been rewarded infinitely by this act of reconciliation.
I have my father back and my children have their grandfather.
My advice from this experience is to DO IT NOW before its too late! Procrastination,stubbornness and ultimately time robs so many people of yearned for reconciliations and all it takes is for someone to make the first move.
From a quote from Timber Hawkeye’s Buddhist Boot Camp,it says “Saying sorry doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
(P.s. My dad battled through colon cancer but now has been all clear for 10 years!)
Know the feeling. My sister and her father fell out. They didn’t talk for years. I fought all the time to get them together again. Mostly for the kids to have grandparents. Two or three years my mom talked in secret to my sister. Now they talk again and visit each other and reign in sneering.
I am so happy.
They live in neighbouring villages. I’m at the other end of the world.