Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent several years caring for patients during the last 12 weeks of their lives, routinely asked her patients about “any regrets they had or anything they would do differently.”
Bronnie spoke of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people would gain at the end of their lives and the common themes that surfaced again and again during these conversations.
Eventually, in a book about the experience, she would distinctly identify “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” They are:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so much.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
—
Funerals inspire me. They always have. There’s just something in the reminder of my mortality that compels me to make the most of each day.
I have attended several significant funerals particularly meaningful to me. I can remember the details and the stories well. No doubt, you can remember some yourself.
But perhaps the most inspirational funeral in my life is one I did not attend. It hasn’t happened yet.
Years ago, my grandfather, a pastor of 70+ years, called me into his office. I knew it well. He pastored the same church in South Dakota for 53 years and the items in his office always stayed the same: the large wooden desk, the typewriter, the bookshelves, even the drawer where he hid his candy. I stop in to visit every time I am in town.
But being specifically requested to meet him in his office on a designated day at a designated time was new. I didn’t know why he had invited me. And he wouldn’t tell me until I sat down across from him at his large wooden desk.
My grandfather started our conversation like this, “Joshua, I would like you to read at my funeral. Here is the verse I would like and this is where it will take place in the service.”
As he spoke, he slid a piece of paper across his desk. It was the order of service he had prepared for his funeral. Over our next several minutes together, he shared with me his hopes and desires for his funeral.
I suppose planning out one’s own funeral is not necessarily that rare. People do it all the time. My grandfather is in his 90’s and I am not surprised he would be thinking thoughtfully about that day—death is an inevitable occurrence for all of us.
What surprised me about the conversation was not the content or the subject. What surprised me was the confident nature by which he spoke. There was no fear in his demeanor. Death did not scare him. He did not regret, in any visible way, the coming end to his days.
And let me tell you, there are few things in life more inspirational than peering into the eyes of a man who does not fear his own death.
Years later, I still think about that conversation. Often times we hear about the regrets of the dying (as outlined in the list above) and we are warned to avoid making their mistakes.
But rarely are we offered the alternative.
Rarely are we provided with an example of a man or woman who faces death with few regrets. When we do, we are wise to follow their example and make the intentional adjustments that will prepare us to face our own mortality with courage and confidence.
As I consider the character of my grandfather’s life, I can identify numerous, reproducible actions to emulate:
1. Love well. My grandfather loves people with a rich love. He loves his kids, his extended family, his friends, even his enemies. His love for my grandmother is still so great he speaks freely of his desire to join her in death. This is not a surface love just for show, but one that includes his heart, his mind, and his soul. This is the type of love that allows us to reach the end of our lives with confidence and few regrets.
2. Hold lightly. My grandfather has always dreamed bigger dreams for his life than the offerings of this world. He has held everything this world offers with an open palm: money, possessions, fame, and prestige. He rarely pursued them out of selfish gain. They were given to him at times, but he was always quick to redirect the praise. Death always involves letting go of the world. And the sooner we learn how to do it, the sooner we prepare ourselves for that day.
3. Work hard. My grandfather is 95 years and still works 50+ hours/week. Nobody has shaped my view of work more than him. In a world that can’t wait for Friday and plans exhaustively for early retirement, my grandfather has stood steadfast in his appreciation for work and the fulfillment we receive from it. When we reach the end of our lives, we ought to be able to look back knowing we offered all our talents and energy to better the world around us—not that we foolishly wasted them.
4. Give freely. My grandfather is one of the most generous men I have ever met. Even while raising a family with four kids and struggling to make ends meet, he never turned his back on a legitimate request for assistance. From cash to food to housing, my grandfather gave and gives freely. He has given to me and he has given to strangers he will never meet again—all with joy and gratitude. Generosity in life provides opportunity to look back on our days with few regrets.
5. Make peace. My grandfather has made peace with others, peace with death, and peace with God. This is a blog read by millions of people from various faith and nonfaith backgrounds and finding peace with death means different things to different people. But my grandfather will credit making peace with God as the single most important decision he ever made in life. And believe me, nobody faces death confidently without making peace with it first.
Seneca once wrote, “It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. When it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. Life is long if you know how to use it.”
May each of us be inspired today to make the most of our one life and live it with no regrets.
About Joshua Becker
This is a great article.
I was lucky and had a wonderful conversation with a great aunt. She was so calm and said to me “don’t be sad for me”. And the next day she passed.
This is beautiful. xo
An inspiring article. But the fact is we want to love free. However, our love for family compels us to obey their order and this lead to regret. I am a bit confused about what to do and what to not.
What a great article Josh. I have unfortunately attended many funerals of friends and relatives over the past few years. As an atheist I have found the liberty of having no belief in God to be very liberating, and I have noticed that there is a growing trend in the UK to celebrate the life of the deceased at the funeral rather than appeal to the super natural.
I actually find this aspect more comforting than the worry I underwent as a small child when faced with worries over heaven or hell. The world will move on without us, as it has for more than 4 billion years but we will live on in the memories of friends and family and DNA of our children. This does not in any way subtract from Josh’s Grandfather. He seems to me to be the sort of person we should all strive to emulate.
Trends are temporary, but ETERNAL life with PEACE is lived only through God. “Come unto me, all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your soul..” There is a void everyone feels, it’s a space created for God. Blessings
Thank you for these thoughts. Your writings have given me a sense of calm so many times because I sense the truth. I’m learning to fear less, trust God more, in Jesus’ precious name – Amen.
A heartfelt thank you to you, Joshua.
Hi Joshua, I’m curious. Where does your grandfather pastor? I’m from South Dakota!
He is in Aberdeen.
Excellent article Joshua! Keep up with the awesome work!
It seems that these articles about old age and regrets are becoming more and more prevalent these days. My generation (40-50), in my opinion, have been questioning the values we grew up with during the 1980’s. Or rather the path we took in the 90’s and 2000’s. I find a lot of us speaking about retiring early and starting new lives. Our parents were by far harder and better workers who complained a lot less. They saw work as something that was a necessary burden and they accepted it. Now that they are old and are the generation that mine and others are taking care of, perspectives are changing. The younger generations are panicking and see the regrets as warnings to get their priorities in check. The problem is that hindsight is 20/20 and we can never tell what regrets we will have. On one had working less seems like a great plan, but tell that to the bill collector, that shiny new car loan, or that college tuition. We can draw an analogy with youth, as many of us recall how important friends, music, being popular or noticed was to us in our teens. It did not matter what our parents said, at the time it seemed so relevant. Now we see the folly. Point being we can hear all the warnings but at certain points in our life we feel different about so many things. Perspectives change, and mid-life is one of those watershed moments where we see the path divide and we feel that choosing to stay the course or make a complete life overhaul is a difficult choice. This is why I feel my generation is so conflicted. The next five years of our lives can be critical in determining what our life will look like in our golden years.
As for the main regrets listed I have a different view on friendship. Mine would be that I wish I cultivated different friendships and let go of those that did little to enhance my life. I feel I invested too much time and energy on frivolous friendships. Recently, I reviewed them and found that our best memories go back decades and less and less in the past 15 years. Old war stories that are now ghosts that we dredge up to make us laugh. Truth is the friendships never evolved and I found that the people who were so relevant in my 20’s did nothing for me in my 30’s and 40’s. I hung onto them rather that make new ones. I do realize some or most of the blame is mine as I always had a choice.
I read a story of an FBI agent who infiltrated the mob and various gangs. He described a interesting phenomenon. He is an highly educated and decorated veteran, He found that when he was under cover was surrounded by low-lifes with little or now sense or education, after a while his own vocabulary and mindset suffered, in other words he was becoming like them and even sounding like them. Years later he had to deprogram himself with books and being around educated and decent people. The moral of the story is that you start to reflect the company you keep.
My two cents is that a regret might be, I wish I made better friendships and let go of those that I felt were doing my mind harm. Sure it sounds egoistical and even mean but it is often for the best to distance yourself or cut off those people in the past. Just becasue you have friendships that are decades old does not mean they are worth keeping. Like bad habits they can hold you down. Only you can say for sure. You may also find that it is not the you or them but the basis of the friendship that is the issue. It may be based on competitiveness or an imagined kinship. Letting go can be the most rewarding things you do. Even though it was difficult I found I am more at peace now and I know that new friendships can be built on a better more mature foundation and not on the immature views of youth. The pressure of proving who has a better job or more money or better children is gone. This very fact proved to me that the friendships turned into something that made me fell guilty about how I was acting. So now I have far less friends and I am happier. I am deprogramming myself and feeling a lot better about life. I am actually feeling more energized and free. My old friends were by no means bad people or undeserving. The relationships just did not work for me, they did not enrich my life. People change and maybe you need to be the one do it.
Good Luck on your journey.
This is perhaps the best article I’ve ever read to encourage us to continue in our journey of minimalism so that we can strip out all the things that take up our valuable mental/physical time/energy/space/money. Minimalism allows us to then focus on what is really important in our lives by stripping out the unnecessary so that when we look back at the point of death we don’t have the regrets mentioned at the start of this article. Surely (regardless of your beliefs in an afterlife) those regrets are more worthy of being feared than of death itself.
It’s worthwhile before going to bed each night contemplating the possibility that you may not wake up in this world in the morning – doing so is a great motivator to change your life into one that you would consider a valuable one based on your chosen value system. For some of us we needed minimalism to find the space in our rat-race-groundhog-day lives to even figure out what that value system was in the first place.
This was so timely, Joshua. Thank you for sharing this. As I read about your grandfather’s love for his wife, I remembered how blessed I am to still have my wife living with me. Someday, we may have to leave this world without the other. I hope that we can say then that we loved each other well and that we didn’t waste the time that we had. I know that I could do better. God, help me to make the most of the time that I have with those that you have put in my life — especially my precious wife.
This is one of the best articles I’ve seen here, or anywhere. Consider yourself lucky to have such a wise and wonderful grandfather. The ultimate act of giving: leaving this world having made it a better place.
Beautiful.
Thank you Joshua. Your piece is the best gift I’ve received in quite awhile. At 60 years of age and poor health, with people my age dying all around me, I find myself often pondering the mystery and unknown of what death will bring.
I think the crux of the matter is as you say, “…nobody faces death confidently without making peace with it first.”
Thank you for helping me have peace with it.
I really enjoyed the reading, it really makes you think and realize what is most important in life and how you should invest less time on wants, desire and things which so many of us have trouble doing. I’m 37 and would love to live and have the outlook on life as your grandfather did its beautiful.
I love Seneca’s thoughts on frailty, of life and death, and how the former, regardless of whether we acknowledge it or not, is fleeting from us every day. I often refer to a slightly different verse from the the Seneca quote you provided. It reads:
“You live as if you were destined to live forever. No thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last.”
I was forced to face death after death after death all within a few years in my early 20s (a close friend dying from brain cancer, my dad dying from leukemia, another close friend committing suicide) and while it sent me into a deep state of depression and darkness, it also led me out again, and I am all the better because of it. To face death does not mean one must be terrified. To face death means to embrace life, to embrace more fondly the ones you love.
Joshua, this was a beautifully written article! I think about death all the time but it is not morbid at all. One of the many reasons I have been on the decluttering journey after years of collecting is to make it easier for someone after I am gone. I am 64 and hopefully have a lot of good years left. But, I have no children and I don’t want to leave so much behind for my niece to contend with. My plan is to let more go yearly till when I am old, there is very little left. I’ve gotten rid of most of the small stuff and am ready to start on furniture. It is liberating!
Several years back my father and I strolled through the cemetery where he had bought himself a plot. “Look at all those headstones,” Dad said, “A lot of people came before us and they sure tried to avoid this place. The trick is to live well, Love others. Have no regrets. That’s peace.” I always remembered that conversation with my Dad. It made his passing easier.
Not every 95 year old can work 50+ hours a week. There are very few people in their 90’s in great health capable of that extreme activity. To expect others to do this is reprehensible.
Wonderful article!! I think my Mom watches your grandfather on TV. We live in Minnesota and I always tape the service to watch after church. He is truly a remarkable man.
It’s my experience that the church scares the crap out of christians their whole lives, making them question their worthiness of heaven.
Seems unfare, a lifetime of fear and questioning your faith/goodness. Ugh!! Dang people!! Accept and serve your savior, believe your ticket to heaven is good and live in peace
Oh, may we be each be faithful use our days wisely, regardless of the sum of them. Thanks for a great read, Joshua. xx
“may we be each be faithful use our days wisely, regardless of the sum of them.”
So good!
A beautiful piece, it brought a tear to my eye. It’s too easy to forget how to live in today’s frenetic world. Thank you for reminding me.
Beautiful ❤
This is a beautiful article. No wonder you are the high quality person that you are; your grandfather modeled it beautifully for you to emulate. Thanks for an inspiring read.
This was one of the most inspirational pieces I have ever read! Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing. Such people are a blessing to know and be around. When they are, they are excellent teachers…good role models. It’s been difficult for me lately. I have my faith. This has been a bedrock for me since I was a child. However, the people in my family are far from the example of your grandfather. So, thank you for sharing. Reading about ordinary people who live so authentically helps those of us who don’t have such a direct example know what that looks like.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing some of your family with us.
Thank you Josh for this insightful message. My mother passed away three weeks ago, and I am in the midst of writing her eulogy. As I reflect on her life, many interesting themes emerge. I feel like she left earth not having regrets, and her faith overcame the fear of death.
What a beautiful legacy your grandfather has left you. As I pursue simplicity and minimalism, it’s so that I won’t have the top five regrets you shared at the beginning. I suspect it’s something I’ll continually have to work on, but well worth the effort!
This was a wonderful post and you should be so grateful to have had such an inspiring and loving grandpa. My grandparents on both sides, passed before I was born so I did not have the luxury to experience what you did.
I am past 70 years old, so I think about my mortality much more than I did in my younger days. I try to live each day to the fullest and thank God each evening (on my knees) for His blessings and forgiveness. I can also appreciate minimalism more now as I reflect on people more than possessions.
Thank you Joshua for a great thought-provoking article and for sharing your grandfather with us. I sincerely enjoyed reading it.
A great post to start my week off with, thank you, I will be pondering it all for quite some time.
Such a beautiful post, as all of yours are. And, so timely. Just yesterday I spread my mother’s ashes in a remote desert that happened to be in full bloom. She had a deep love of the desert so the place and timing were picture perfect.
My mother was a rebel, a fighter and a fierce protecter of all whom she held dear. She gave even when she had so little of monetary wealth herself. But she was rich in friends and experiences.
I know she passed with some regrets and pains…
Mostly that she lost her own father too young, she was raised by an alcoholic mother, and the love of her life let her down in a way that cuts the deepest.
I miss her beyond words but am so grateful for the life she gave me. I was raised with love, freedom and respect. I only hope that I can incorporate more of the best of her as I live out the remainder of my life.
Beautiful! I strive to live that way. I often fail, however. I’m not afraid to die, but I do want to live well while I can.
Although I pursued early retirement in our 30’s, it was more of a launching board to create time and energy for bigger and more important thing. I have written about creating our “highlight reel” and thinking about all those most important moments that we want to experience. I hope that when I’m 90 I have 50 hours a week of meaningful, important work to be doing!
“I hope that when I’m 90 I have 50 hours a week of meaningful, important work to be doing!”
I so love this :) At any age!
This is one of the most inspiring articles I have read in a long time!!! A big change has come in my life recently and I am struggling to find the way to embrace it. This article gave me much to think about!
My 90 yr old mother passed a month ago and she too was faithful daily to her God, church and caring for her family. There are five of us children and just yesterday we all met to celebrate the birthday of two (twins) of our siblings. Her wish was the family stick together. 26 of us honored her wish yesterday. She was a wife homemaker and mom first and always there waiting when we came home from school ! How blessed we were to have her so long especially me the oldest child.
I love this article – this is the important stuff! But, it also leaves me sad, because I don’t believe in God. I want to but I just. . .don’t. I was raised Catholic but no longer believe in any organized religion. I’m still searching and seeking and hope to resurrect belief someday. But without a belief in God, death is quite terrifying. It is a full and final end. Anyone else experiencing this? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Erin,
I’m like you although while I don’t subscribe to any organized religion, I do feel a deep and strong connection to nature. When I’m in nature and it’s quiet…that’s when I think I feel “god.” I feel connected to everything and everyone.
I’m okay with that…
I still enjoy the times I do attend a church for whatever reason, most recently I attended the funeral of my uncle. I don’t share the same exact belief system/process, but the intentions are so similar…
Live a life you can be proud of, help others, don’t be selfish, be responsible, love and forgive.
Like you, I struggled with my “faith” or lack thereof in my younger days, but no longer. I just find my faith wherever it shows up and if you live with an open heart, you’ll find what resonates with you. Maybe that will be as a member of a church, as a volunteer helping the elderly or simply raising your own children.
I wish you well on your journey ~
Ree
I am not religious and don’t believe in life after death, but I am not disturbed by the finality of death. My physical remains will return to the earth and nourish other life. The most important thing to me is to feel satisfied: that I did my best, that I treated myself and others well, that I did the things I most wanted to do. To me that is a successful and satisfying life.
I feel the same as you, Tara.
In addition, Buddhist philosophy has helped me become comfortable with the concept of the impermanence of everything in life.
I’m a Unitarian Universalist, a religion that focuses on deeds, not creeds. Doing good in the world, and knowing I’ve done what I can to make it a better place for those who follow, has helped me become comfortable with the reality of my own death.
Erin,
Have you tried talking to God? Even if you don’t believe… in seeking, you could question God, as you wrote in your comment. Just as one opens one’s heart when confiding in a friend, you could open your heart, speak to God, and tell God what you are seeking. ‘God, this is what I want to know.’
You can challenge God to show you what God is. In a true way. In a real way. Maybe challenge God to satisfy and fulfill your seeking.
Your seeking is a blessing Erin!
This is beautiful and timely for me too — my mother is 94 1/2 and we are just moving her into extended care — tough weekend packing up her things.
I am sharing your first paragraph and the 5 things with a link here on my blog this morning.
Thank you!
Thank you for a very excellent and helpful article. It gave me some things to ponder. Although I made peace with God many years ago and am ready to meet Him, I still have some dread of death. My husband–a retired pastor (but not really retired…and our dads and my grandpas were all pastors)–and I are both in our 80s and making those plans that need to be made. I think about this a lot and don’t really like being 80, although we are super active and pretty healthy.
Thank you again for all you shared in the article.
Dear Joshua,
Wonderful post. It came at a good time for me. I just have a couple of questions. What exactly do you mean “make peace with God” Could you explain that one a little more? Also, in Bronnie Ware’s list, she says one of the top 5 wishes is “I wish I hadn’t worked so much.” but your grandfather’s list says “work hard.” I’d love it if you could comment on the difference.
Hi Laura,
May I humbly comment here? I am forever mulling over the nuances that compel people to work. Your question resonated with me. I ought not spend too much time straying from today’s tasks but, as I am about to explain, work is not everything and I feel a prompt to respond.
I believe the answer to your question boils down to understanding the difference between occupation and vocation.
I dare to say that for the vast majority of people, work is simply occupation. It’s what we do to busy ourselves. There’s no escaping the emptiness we face as mortal beings and for many, the solution is to plead ignorance and simply distract ourselves by occupying our time.
For those of us living in cultures that prize busyness, possessions, and status, the motivation to work is to often to master one’s occupation and “be successful”. This is rooted in bolstering one’s identity, whether it’s through material gain, prestigious titles, or the reverence of industry peers.
The sad truth is that this motivation is a fruitless pursuit, a chasing after the wind. Fame and fortune are not directly correlated to satisfaction and happiness. I’d argue that the nature of being forever occupied–forever working in this context–is what dying people regret.
On the other hand, there’s vocation, understanding one’s work as a calling. (Here’s where nuances make things complicated because it is possible for occupation to mingle with vocation but for the sake of today, allow me to speak of vocation in its purest sense.)
When work is understood not as a way in which to “climb the ladder”, boost one’s identity in the eyes of the world, and store up treasures, then it becomes something that draws forth life instead of stripping it away. Work is lived out as an act of service, as a way of bettering the world, and being faithful to hone and share the gifts one’s been given. I think this is the work that Joshua’s grandfather is up to.
Yes, this work can be attached to a title, a healthy paycheck and a bevy of possessions. But intrinsically, the purpose of vocational work is not to pursue these empty things; it is to channel one’s time and energy toward something greater. Pure vocational work brings life; “occupied” work leads to burnout and emptiness. Work ought not rob us from the things that matter more in the broader scheme of things: relationships, love, and making peace with God.
And here’s the nod to your initial question: What does making peace with God mean?
Some context: I am a Christian. I’m writing this to you as a Canadian on vacation in Tennessee. The Bible Belt could not be more different than my home. In these parts, “Christian” is a loaded word. I feel the need to differentiate myself from the multitude here in the south who identify as Christians but perhaps do not fully adhere to the Bible, understand Christ’s call to humanity, and live accordingly.
One more caveat: I’m human. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to have all the answers but I will speak from my experience and perhaps God will use it to convey something to you that resonates. And now, my two cents.
I understand “making peace with God” as restoring the integrity of our intended design: men, women, and children living in harmony with God, flourishing in love, free from sin and fear and death. I believe that this harmony with God was the original intent and that we as human beings messed it up by trying to take God’s place, asserting ourselves instead of humbling submitting.
Practically speaking, what does making peace look like from this perspective? I’d say submitting to God’s authority, accepting the gift of new life through Jesus sacrificial death and resurrection, and living in humble obedience to God’s call to humanity as revealed in the Bible. The act of making peace with God is both passive (receiving His gift) and active (growing in knowledge of God, becoming like Christ, and participating daily in the redemptive work of restoring the integrity of God’s design for this world.)
Wow. I wrote far more than I intended! Now I really must get back to work. And for the record, I am a writer balancing vocational endeavors with the responsibilities of raising a family. I classify responding to you as working according to my calling; I classify the work I am about to do as occupation. Lord willing, I will not be writing about trivial things for the duration of my existence. But so long as it allows for us to have a roof over our head and food on the table, so be it.
In love,
Elissa Joy Watts
Beautiful! Just beautiful!
Thanks, Susan. xx
Wonderfully written!!
Laura, I wonder if the difference lies in what people spend their time working on? Helping others and building connection likely leads to more satisfaction than simply working at the office for a bigger paycheck.
As to peace with God, as a Christian pastor, I suspect he means that he has asked God’s forgiveness for the wrong in his life and works with God to bring about more goodness. Accepting what Jesus has done for us (paying the penalty for the wrong in each of our lives, done to us and by us) means that we don’t have to be afraid of death as He has promised us eternity with Him.
Hope this helps?
yes I would like to know the same on this too, agree with you Laura :) thanks
While reading Elissa’s comment, the thought that kept coming to mind was: “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord.”
Work hard — don’t be a slacker. Give your employer an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.
Don’t work too hard — don’t let your job define your identify. Don’t let your job take up 90% of your working hours, at the sacrifice of family/friends/etc. Work-life balance would be the appropriate buzzword, I think. When you leave work, LEAVE it. Turn off your work cell phone unless you’re on-call. Don’t check your work email after-hours. Don’t be taking work calls at your kid’s little league game, or school play.
I used to think I was indispensable – shoot, my boss would tell me “I don’t have anyone else to do this.” GREAT ego-boost. But you know what?
When I missed a client visit because of a bad case of the flu, he found someone else to go. When I had a health crisis and spent 6 weeks off work, he found others to handle my responsibilities. The job went on without me. If it can do that when I’m sick, it can do that when I have a family responsibility, especially if it’s outside normal working hours.
I said: Don’t let your job take up 90% of your working hours,…
I MEANT: Don’t let your job take up 90% of your WAKING hours.
*sigh* I hate it when I’m human. LOL
Thank you for a beautifully written reminder. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had the opportunity to hold the hand of my 88 year old Mother as she passed from this world into the next suddenly last June. Some people find it strange when I say something like that, but if they could have experienced the total lack of fear I felt and saw in her eyes, and the utter gratitude for her life, for her family, for all the wonderful experiences that she spoke of in her last hours they would understand. My Mother taught me a lot throughout her life – she was a reminder to me to give love unconditionally, experience and embrace new things, that life can be hard but we are stronger than we think we are, to be grateful for each day, and that age is just a number. However, her final and most important lesson was to remind me of the important things in life – love, family, faith, joy and gratitude. She never once mentioned ‘things’ – house, car, clothes. If more of us paid attention to what is really important in life – we could all face death without fear or regret.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. Too true – the things that matter aren’t material goods at all and never will be.
Love this article in more ways than one.Thank you Josh. Self-reflections of our lives should be an on going process and a living legacy to those we leave behind. Not of stuff or material possessions but of a life lived to the fullest extent. The stories we share are the lessons of who we are. Pass the torch on to continue the journey long after.
Thank you for this article and for the way you share your faith but yet have a meaningful secular blog!
Perfectly said!
Such inspiring words here. Thanks for sharing!
When I was reading I just realized something, Josh. When you serve a higher power you are more likely not to fear death or even life. Your grandfather did not seek fame or fortune (neither are bad when acquired in a healthy way) but lived to serve others.
Serving others always has a way of benefiting you and yours. I am sure living in the presence of his example has a positive effect on you and your family. That is such a great gift.
Beautifully stated, A great reminder to make the best of what we have and are given. I can feel the love and respect you have for your grandfather. Thank you!
Joshua—
Why do we fear death so much? Even as a Christian I still fear it! I think it’s leaving loved ones…
Or is it just a survival instinct?
I truly would like someone to shed some light on my question if you have a thought. Thank you! :)
I am a Christian and I also fear death! I even fear thinking about it. I don’t think it’s that unusual. Fear of the unknown? Also fear of leaving my young children without their mother when they need me. But I agree, I think a lot of it is our instinct to cling to life. I hope that when my life is over I will be able to face death bravely – even without fear! An excellent piece by Joshua. Most thought provoking, with some very good advice as to how to live your life so well that there are few regrets at the end. Myself, I need to be more generous and forgiving of others. It does no good to hold onto grudges, even if we have been badly wronged. Something to work on.
Could fear of death be directly proportional to the strength of your faith?
NO. And don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise. All that does is make you question your faith and your relationship with your savior.
I always fall back on an analogy Corrie Ten Boom’s father told her, that she relates in “The Hiding Place.”
She was fearful of the future, and he said: “When we go on a journey, when do I give you your train ticket?”
Her answer: “Right before we board the train.”
Our Heavenly Father does the same thing. Sufficient for today, remember? When we need him to take away our fear of something, He will, but it will be in HIS time, not ours, and it has nothing (or very little) to do with our faith. It’s certainly ok to pray “Lord I believe, help my unbelief,” but don’t let your fears and doubts trick you into wondering if you’re really in His family. Our place with God has nothing to do with our questions and fears.
Just my 2 cents, and probably more than you were looking for…
I used to fear death until my late 20’s, but growing in my relationship with Jesus helps to squash the fear of death. I love him and I WANT to spend eternity with him. Sure, it would be awful for my children if I died tomorrow, but I know I’ve given them the foundation to love Jesus too. Time on earth is a blink compared to eternity. Blessings to you.
As a Christian I still struggle with the thought that I may not be worthy of Heaven. Other people seem to go out of their way to help more, give more. I guess “deep inside this armor the warrior is a child” still learning, still growing.
I think it is a survival instinct. I believe that once we die and get to the other side, we’ll realize how absolutely marvelous it is.
Had we known earlier, we would have been throwing ourselves under a bus as soon as we were able, just to get there!
I wonder if Mark 9:24 would apply to your question on why as Christians do so many of us fear dying? I do believe Lord help my unbelief. It’s not that we don’t believe but there are areas in all of us where we are weak just as we also have strengths in certain areas. Perhaps we need to work on our areas of weakness until they are not.
We were created to live forever in the beginning of time. Then we fell from grace and lost our immortality. However our innate desire to live forever stayed in tact. Then our days became numbered but only our earthly days. God sent Jesus to take on the burden of our sins on the cross and that gave us eternal life inHeaven.
Many elderly, sick with ongoing health problems, some hardly can get around with arthritis and popping pills day and night are the ones that seem to want to” cross over to the other side” even many who are not religious. I know several near me in their 90’s. People in the nursing field who take care of terminal people will agree and some even say they are ready to enter into eternal rest.
Your grandfather sounds very much like my grandmother who died at age 96. Her relationship with the Lord was her first priority and then her family and helping others. I strive to emulate her in my life.
Thankyou Joshua, this is timely for me. My 100 3/4 year old grandmother’s funeral is this week and I feel much the same – what a generation of clear-thinking folks! Granny fulfilled these points to the last and was an anchor and a role model to us all, a tiny woman of modest and simple tastes who showed astonishing love, gratitude, frugality and above all, humour at all times. I shall be proud to speak to our gathered family and friends, who will be many to attend out of loyalty and admiration. This is richness indeed.
Thank you for this excellent content! :)
In my thinking there’s a confusion over ‘work’.
i.e regretting working so much and the grandfather’s advice to work hard.
I see so many people working hard which entails long hours at work, prioritising work over hobbies or community/civic engagement, stress and anxiety spilling over and affecting family and other relationships.
And its all rationalised in terms of providing for your family…more money for ‘the good life’ ..the dominant message of our society.
So….are there more important values to be living by …than ‘hard work’?
Is the admonition to work hard and to think well of people who do …misguided …a persistent residue of the Protestant work ethic?
What do you think ….
Will you be another of the people on their death regretting they worked so much…to have the dubious good life?
Who are you sacrificing …. yourself perhaps …and your family and friends and civil society…all of which ask for your BEING and presence?
What she said. To add to Meg’s comment, I’d say that “Loving Well” is difficult for people who work many hours. 50+ is a crazy amount of time to spend away from family. It’s also questionable whether #4 ‘stay in touch with friends’ is possible for someone who works so much and is already sacrificing time with family. It sounds like Grandpa was a product of his generation. Thankfully there’s been a huge shift in thinking on the subject of working hard and I believe many, like Meg above, have realized the folly in the ‘work long hours’ mentality.
Years and years ago, my Sunday School class worked through the Search for Significance book/workbook by Minirth-Meier. I don’t know if it’s still in print, but I highly recommend it for anyone, especially workaholics.
The bottom line (as I remember) was “from where do we get our identity?” If my sense of self is tied up with me being a hard worker/good employee, or I get status from my job, then I’m going to focus on that. If I find my significance outside the job, I’ll focus there.
The thought that came to me as I was reading this post was: “Have you written your obituary yet?”
I know, none of us are dying, so why would we? But it’s a really good, and really important exercise. What do you want people to say/think about you once you’re gone? What are you doing TODAY to make that possible?