Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sam Lustgarten of Frugaling.
“All ads do the same: create an anxiety relievable by purchase.” ―David Foster Wallace
Over the last year-and-a-half, I’ve worked to reduce expenses, increase income, and refrain from consumeristic rewards (i.e., shopping sprees and dinners). I’ve opted for more empowered life directions of self-reflection and growth.
My methods have been rather boring: focusing on the important and refraining from buying “wants.” These aren’t ingenious ideas, and you’ve probably read them countless times before.
Despite my methodical approach, I’m imperfect. And one aspect of my life continuously challenges these efforts: dating.
As a single graduate student in a small, Midwestern town, it’s been difficult to find relationships. Both my schedule and avenues for meeting people are severely restricted; at least, during academic semesters. Additionally, my budget is tight every month—deviations quickly lead to debt. It’s a wicked combination.
With these apprehensions, I’ve cautiously taken to trying out the online dating world; in particular, Tinder. In case you haven’t heard about or used it, Tinder is a Millennial-friendly dating app for smartphones. Users are tasked with one job: swipe one direction or another (left for “nope” and right for “like”) to find a match. It can be superficial and vapid, but also, reflective of in-person judgments.
If both users swipe right — hallelujah! — there’s a match and they can now message each other. If there ever was a minimalist dating app, this is it. There’s no profile to read or questions to fill out—only the faces of potential dates.
Remarkably, my nerdy self matched up with a few people over the last couple months. But before any of those “matches” could turn into dates, I pondered my life and presentation. What would I wear? My closest of clothing feels stale. How much would I share about being a frugal minimalist? I feel cheaper than cheap. Where would we go to eat, drink, and/or talk that was also in the budget? My budget is difficult to maintain even without dates. How many of these dates could I even afford? Not many!
These questions course through me like never before, and I oscillate between pride and embarrassment for this new way of life. Part of me feels the blush against my cheeks, as I admit to a potential date that I’m frugal and cannot afford much on my budget. The other piece notices the powerful changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my budget and financial future.
Dating has a way of making me fear what others think of my new mores. Two weeks ago I went on a first date that made me question my motivation for frugality and minimalism. And it all started with my hair.
The dinner date was going well, and there was a gentle, sarcastic banter back and forth. I looked into her eyes, and wondered what she would think about my habits. Would we be compatible? Then, these mental explorations were cut short by my date’s question.
“Where do you get your hair cut?” she asked.
I stroked my hand over a newly-buzzed head of hair and confidently replied, “I did it!”
Little did she know, but I’d been cutting my hair for years. While I don’t have the full range of styles, I get the job done and can’t beat the price: a $20 hair clipper purchased in 2009.
Suddenly, showing all the surprise and disgust of someone eating an old, brown, past-due pistachio, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s the last hair cut you ever give yourself. It’s time for you to grow up and go to a real barber!”
I felt hurt and insulted. How could she say that to me? Did it really look bad? I immediately felt defensive.
Afterwards, I went home and sat down for a while—reviewing my reactions. Her comment felt similar to an advertisement. What this person in front of me was saying was that I didn’t fit her model of a man. Even more, she was suggesting that I should spend money in the process to purchase what I was lacking. It seemed oddly familiar.
Don’t corporations try to do the same thing?
Marketing teams work tirelessly to propagate popular culture norms and set the standard for beauty, wants, and various products that will make you the “best a man can get.”
Websites, movies, and magazines bombard us with messages that compel us to consume. Advertisements punctuate “breaks,” but hook us into staying at full volume for a taste of the “good life.”
Instead of being hurt, degraded, and insulted by commercials, I’m often passive. But why do I (and we) let ourselves idly accept messages from multinational corporations that we wouldn’t desire in casual conversation? Why can I (and we) know this will be the first and last date, but not do the same with commercials? When is enough, enough?
Fortunately, there is power in our response. Next time, notice your feelings when viewing an advertisement say something about who you are. Realize your emotions (“I’m sad”) are only thoughts (“I’m having thoughts of sadness”). Pause to reflect on this difference between the two.
Thoughts provide distance to read the ongoing, bombarding ticker tape that is our daily experience. With this emotional review, we can more mindfully turn off the response to spend and find that we were always enough—buzzed haircut and all.
***
Sam Lustgarten blogs at Frugaling.org where he helps others save for tomorrow while enjoying today. You can also follow him on Twitter.
I have cut my husbands hair for the last 27 years – no one can tell at all and we save a fortune on barber’s fees. He cuts mine (it’s long and curly so rarely needs anything more than a trim) as well. We’ve probably saved thousands over the years. (though he doesn’t tell anyone and is a tad embarrassed that he cuts mine – why though I cannot suss)
Somewhere out there, there will be a girl with the same values as you -Tinder might not be the place to find her though.
How about meeting in a park for a walk and then a coffee in an ethical coffee house? Or a trip around an arts museum? Or as a previous commentator says, a shared picnic lunch where you both bring stuff. Start as you mean to go on, sharing your experiences together.
As your post has been re-posted I’ve only just come across it. This may be a semantics thing: a difference between the way we use English in the UK and American-English, but for me there’s a difference between being frugal because you have to and minimalist when you don’t need to. One day you will graduate and hopefully student frugality will become minimalist choice. You can then choose how to spend, and if a haircut or a pricey meal out is an ‘experience’ you can afford, there’s no harm in choosing to do that. Minimalism is more about replacing unnecessary ‘stuff’ with experiences. And in the meantime, there’s a girl out there who shares your values. You’ll find her when you look in the right places.
Since I’m a girl I could never cut my own hair. I tried once and failed spectacularly, since then usually either my mom or my sister do it for me. I think the most stupid thing about haircuts is that you have to get them so often and what does the hairdresser really do most of the time? Just cut off the ends, like that’s worth that amount of money.
I read a comment about tshirts here, too, and just had to think about my boyfriend who never buys a new shirt and keeps on wearing his old ones even though they break apart under the armpits :D I just sew them back together for him.
I’m really sure that you will someday meet a girl who doesn’t care where or by whom your hair is cut or whether you’re going to buy her a fancy dinner, she’ll only want to see you smile at her and tell her how much she means to you and it will mean more to her than anything that could possibly be bought. The best things are for free after all
My best wishes
Hey Sam. Don’t give up, you’re on the right path. On a side note, you aren’t alone! I haven’t bought a hair cut in over 6 years (I am now 29) I buzz it regularly. I like how it looks, it’s free, and I enjoy doing it. Who cares what people think!
As a graphic designer, advertising made up a minor component of my course. With no interest in specialising in this sector, I initially participated with only a vague curiosity, but by trimester end I was enthralled. The subject was mindblowingly insightful, full of the tricks advertisers (and, in turn, what I am supposed to) pull and I began to actively challenge every message that came at me. I no longer buy mindlessly, and I bring this into my work.
Around the same time, I began dating someone considerably older who had the wealth to treat us to some very fancy, expensive dates —way outside my budget and comfort zone. How were he to understand I wasn’t interested in the ballet, when the few dresses I owned were casual and summer weight?* I spent a small fortune on lacy knickers, evening dresses and make-up in an effort to impress him, only to eventually discover our values were completely misaligned and all I have left is some pretty, although largely useless, threads.
Point: even with the most deliberate minimalist mindset and stringent filters, the pressure to consume hits us constantly, and it takes a hawk-eye not to inadvertently succumb to the peer pressure. I’m glad you stood up for yourself and didn’t take it beyond the first date.
*I’d also like to point out I take pride in my appearance and personal hygiene, and spend time looking good, for me. I’m just not a cookie-cut direct from the latest Vogue. I also cut my own hair.
Appreciate this post and thread of comments very much. I don’t believe that there is necessarily virtue in doing your own hair or vice in having it done. The virtue is in knowing yourself and doing what is right for you. One thing I noted was your description of having a “sarcastic” banter with this woman — so her comment may have been influenced by the tone of that banter. If you liked her otherwise, it might be worth a second date getting to know each other better. That’s what dating is for. People are multidimensional and complex and can’t be reduced to a single comment. We all say stupid things all the time. I appreciated Alison’s comments about how her partner has expanded her views. On a side note, I am a recovering alcoholic and have had many of the same fears going in to blind or first dates – how much to explain, what will they think, and so on – only to find that most people don’t notice I’m not drinking and really don’t care. There’s plenty of time later to go full-bore into it in depth, a little at a time, if there’s any type of connection between us. And, finally, inexpensive first dates are perfect … taking a walk, having a cup of coffee, going to a public art show or museum, picnic lunch where each of you brings something … something easy, not too intense. Good luck with dating and good for you for being true to yourself.
Well it sounds like she isn’t the girl for you! This is a crazy world we live in, I would think most people would respect and admire you for living within your means and being so financially responsible. I personally applaude your strength, stay true to who you are!
Your hair is fine. Sorry about the date. What you need is a low cost mass screening program for dating compatibility. Parties! Frugal parties! When I was in grad school I used to invite 8 or 10 folk of varied gender for dinner. Potluck, but not in the usual sense. I’d have each invitee bring one ingredient for soup, a favorite pizza topping, or one veg for salad. (Three separate parties–I supplied the pot, the crust, or the bowl.) Lots of time to mingle and get to know the group while we did prep and waited for dinner to cook. Sometimes games (no TV). Although I was the woman, I got to look guys over and the invite expressed some interest.
I really enjoyed reading this. While the perspective was different from my own – I’m a 34yo woman/married – the circumstance was totally familiar. I take a lot of pride in my appearance. And my husband cuts my hair. He has for the last five years. He’s thoughtful/mindful/careful, and does the job with love. After college I decided $50-100 was far too much for a “proper” haircut. So my husband said, “I’ll cut your hair and we’ll save the money!” Sounded good. Since then, I’ve found myself faced with the kind of people the author went on a date with: I will get a compliment on my hair – “Ooh, it looks wonderful! Who does your hair?” I reply, “My husband.” And suddenly the look morphs into that of utter disgust. I don’t understand it! When did we turn into a society that frowns upon independence? Must we spend money on every little thing instead of trying to do it ourselves? Are we not civilized (or remotely cool) if we try to save money and become self-reliant? This goes from hair-cutting, to cleaning one’s own home, to fixing the brakes on one’s own car…if you do these things yourself, you’re a loser! So be it. :)
I too get my hair cut at home. I met my guy through a dating website and on our second date, I mentioned I hadn’t had my hair cut in over eight months. I then went on about how I hated going to the salon as they never cut my hair the way I wanted and also my budget was tight and I hated the thought of spending $55 to get a haircut I didn’t like. He mentioned he could cut it for me if I would like him to. He had cut woman’s hair before, female friends, ex-wife, and previous girlfriends as he had a girlfriend who was a trained hairdresser who hated going to the salon herself, so she had him cut hers. I said sure and on our third date, he gave me a haircut. He was very meticulous, combing, sectioning and pinning up my hair. He trimmed off exactly what I asked him to and made sure it was even on both sides. Afterwards I dashed to the mirror and checked his work. He gave me a great haircut. I told him her was hired, he was now my stylist. When I mentioned to people that he cut my hair for me I too get varied reactions. I was told I was foolish to let him cut my hair, it was a control thing on his part as well as being told not to be cheapskate, just go to the salon and pay for a professional haircut. I have had a few people tell me I was very lucky to have such a talented guy, but they would be afraid to let their guy takes the shears to their hair. My hair is longer than I was ever able to grow it going to the salon. With the length I am now able to wear it in braids. My guy braids it for me and he has gotten very good doing the. I get French, Dutch, fishtail and variations on these. The responses I get to telling people (or them seeing him braid it for me) have all been positive. I was at a fair last year and at one shop they did braids. There were woman and young girls lined up to get a choice of braids and the prices started at $25 and up. I looked at the sign and saw my guy could do pretty much all of them. My hair was down as I wanted it to dry, but I couldn’t resist. I found a bench, took a seat and had him give my two fishtail braids from the sides into one in the back. I smiled as I got what others were standing in line for and paying $30 for free. A couple women watched and both were impressed. So when I hear comments that it is strange that my cuts my hair, I tell them I would be crazy to go to the salon and pay someone to do my hair, when my guy does a better job. I figure I have saved nearly $2000 having him cut my hair. And the added benefits of having him give me braids is icing on the cake. We do a lot of DIY things to be frugal, but having him cut my hair is one of my biggest money savers. And I cut my children’s hair as well, with great results and savings as well.
I’d have to say that many people, like myself, believe there’s a time to spend and a time to save. To me, cutting ones hair at home just makes one look like a tightwad that’d rather do it at home then pay money at one of any number of perfectly fine hair cutting places.
And FYI to some people, You don’t need to pay big bucks for a haircut. I’ve been getting my haircut for YEARS at Walmart(roughly one haircut every 9 months or so),wash/cut/style at a cost of 15.50
wow. what a bit**. I’m sorry for that, your hair looks great and you shouldn’t be ashamed at all for living a conscious life!
The right person will be impressed and admire your frugality. I once made my now husband a shirt. His mother was horrified. I thought it was neat. I am 65 with gray hair. I refuse to spend money to dye it.
“Paragraph” 8 = *course
That is all :)
Good catch. Thanks for pointing that out!
Just a comment on Urge to Splurge. I have been shaving my boyfriends head for over 5 years now. He has not paid for a haircut in that time, we both love saving the money, and he loves the shorter style. Now his son (15 years old) loves getting involved and cuts his Dads hair and Dad cuts his boys hair. It’s a win-win-win.
It’s really good to know there are other young folks out there trying to make the same strides as I and provides me hope that there in fact could be someone else out there like me.
Oh Sam, your date made me smile. For every girl like her there’s another who would say “oh my goodness, that’s amazing, you don’t waste your money at a barbers when you can just do it yourself!” Don’t doubt it! I started washing my hair with bicarb and vinegar last year and it’s the best thing I ever did for my hair. No chemicals, no nonsense, no extra bottles. But I don’t tell everyone of course, and I sometimes wonder what the people at work would say if they knew… : )
Sam,
The ‘on-line’ dating road is long, and there will be many THOUSANDS of reasons why someone may not want to see you after the first date… that’s the nature of this process. Don’t get caught up in thinking that there’s something wrong about you.
It’s all about the numbers… keep trying, and eventually you will find the right person. After several years of on-line (and off-line) dating, my second husband and I finally found each other. By that time, I had well and truly honed my on-line skills, and wouldn’t waste longer than 30 minutes and a “dutch” coffee on someone new. Mind you, that was before smart-phones – so we had to post a half-decent profile describing our interests (we used RSVP). This really does save you some time and trouble, from meeting people who are only interested in “looks”.
As a female with long, blonde hair, I’ve done my own colouring for 20 years.. and have had many professional hairdressers praise my efforts. $10, instead of over $150. Plus, I get to do it in my own time, when it’s convenient for me.
Being frugal is a desirable skill in a guy…. stay true to yourself.
Cheers,
Lisa S. (Australia)
A change in perspective is hard for many people to achieve. A change in the mindset that leads to lifestyle change is achieved fewer still.
I am sorry for the hurt your date caused you. The chances are that your differences would have made any relationship difficult. But it is just possibe that in the emotionally charged heat of the moment she made a comment that she thought might be amusing without realising the nerve that she had touched. Your lifestyle is probably quite unlike any she comes across on a day to day basis.
My children have no choice but to live with me (well for the time being!) There are some things about our lifestyle and life choices they love, some they resent and some they just find embarrassing (usually the latter). My point is that they have had up to 20 years to get used to it. She only had an hour or so.
I wish you all the very best of luck in your dating experiences, I am rather glad that that is all long behind me. I think the suggestion of coffee dates or a museum, or a drink and then the cinema or an exhibition perhaps depending on your taste would cut the cost without cutting the experience.
Take care, have fun and don’t get too hurt :)
This was a great post. It made me laugh because my husband pays relatively little for his haircuts, ($12 in NYC), but often I have to fix it when he gets home, and it was done by a professional! I tease him that he’s such a cheap b@$+@&d, but I really don’t care. He’s warm, loving, kind, caring, funny-as-all-get-out, and makes the best roast chicken in the world for me. That’s why we’ve been married 17+ years and still going strong. Just be patient and be yourself, there’s a real smart woman out there who will know a good thing when she sees it!
Great piece, lots of wisdom here. And don’t feel bad about the haircut. I could see myself saying something like that when I was in my early 20s, but nearing 40, my perspective is a little broader. I’m curious, did you tell her a little about your approach to living frugally? Good luck on the dating scene!
Sam,
Thanks for sharing! I hope the rest of your date was better than that comment! I used to help my ex cut his own hair all the time, and I never found it weird or thought it would ever be a thing people would read into until now! Hopefully it was just that she was nervous and didn’t know what to say. (?)
I agree with some of the others about Tinder. It pretty much welcomes the shallow, and thus, more superficial.
Your website and articles sound like you really have your values in order. Maybe take a look at what you’d like in a relationship, and go from there. Want someone to laugh with? Join an improv group! Want someone as aspirational as you? Join a young professionals group! Want someone athletic? Join a rec league! A reader? Join a book club… You get the picture. You may not meet someone immediately, but you could meet through new friends, etc. Any time I’ve been on online dating sites, it has been forced awkward situations (which makes for great bad date stories when you do find someone you like), and has made me wonder why I put myself through it. And it’s a time and money investment! In my experience, the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element, having fun, and actually comfortable being single when you meet people you connect with.
You should be proud that you seem to have it figured out more than most guys our age. Stick true to yourself– you’re just ahead of the curve!
Breanne,
“the best times to meet people are when you’re in your element” – well said! I believe that if people approached find a partner the same way that they find friends they’d be much more successful.
I’m impressed that you made the connection between her statement and mass marketing. I absolutely hate commercials and rarely watch tv these days because of it. My hubby was watching football the other day and a commercial came on that showed a bunch of recognizable “rivals” getting along and enjoying a lunch together. I got so mad because my 3yo daughter became interested in the ad. I looked at her and said, “This a commercial that is using all your favorite characters to sell you something. Don’t watch it.” I know it sounds crazy to say that to a little girl but I was sooo MAD. That is the only feeling I have when I watch commercials.
Maybe instead of dating, you should try hanging out with like-minded people. Find a minimalist Meetup group or something. Hey, you could even start one.
Sam – don’t change! Not only has my husband used clippers to cut his own hair for the last 14 years, he cuts mine, too (not with clippers, thank God…lol)! Now granted, I have long curly hair and a little crookedness doesn’t show, BUT I have literally saved hundreds of $ over the last few years. You will find a like-minded saver girl who appreciates your frugality. :)