Note: This is a guest post from Jay Harrington of Life and Whim.
In 1899, Teddy Roosevelt delivered a speech in Chicago in which he extolled the virtues of what he called “the strenuous life.” He described it as:
“[T]he life of toil and effort, of labor and strife; to preach that highest form of success which comes, not to the man who desires mere easy peace, but to the man who does not shrink from danger, from hardship, or from bitter toil, and who out of these wins the splendid ultimate triumph.”
Roosevelt, the quintessential “man in the arena,” lived a strenuous life full of risk taking, rugged self-reliance, and commitment to core values. His lifelong adventure culminated in the presidency of the United States.
Today, too many men live the modern version of “the strenuous life,” which is more aptly termed “the stressful life.” Instead of adventure, it’s one marked by overwhelm. Men are strapped to their desks, tethered to their smartphones, a beep or chime away from their next dose of anxiety. They get consumed by careers they dislike to buy things they don’t need for the purpose of impressing people they don’t care about (or even know). And they’re suffering the consequences.
More than six million men suffer from depression each year. Suicide among men has risen dramatically since the year 2000, and in the year 2017 men died by suicide 3.5 times more often than women. Approximately one in five men develop alcohol dependency during their lives. Mental health trends among men continue to trend in the wrong direction.
Exhausted, pressured, restless, searching—what else can one feel while running in the rat race? How do I know? For years, I was sprinting to keep up with the pack. From a top law school to a top law firm, which led to a too-big house and too-little time for much of anything, something had to give.
What changed? The weight of it all nearly crushed me. But I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones. When you approach rock bottom, you are afforded a clear view of the fate awaiting you. By falling, as opposed to remaining afloat on auto-pilot, I had the chance to correct course before it was too late.
My safety net? I found minimalism, which allowed me to find the space and time necessary to strive for things—and by “things,” I mean experiences, relationships, beliefs, and values—that are necessary to cultivate a content and fulfilling life.
A Stubborn Journey Toward Minimalism
The truth is, however, I didn’t find minimalism. My wife did, then introduced it to me… again and again before it stuck. Along with my tendency toward chasing shiny new objects, I’m pretty stubborn. Over time, my ego and self-worth got wrapped up in what I had—not who I was. My wife perceived this, and saw minimalism as an escape hatch, but I resisted.
Minimalism seemed like a quirky idea propagated by people who resigned themselves to a Spartan, white-space existence. It appeared devoid of the color and excitement that pop culture, marketing, and social media herald as essential elements of the modern good life.
And, if I’m being totally honest, as reflected by the Facebook pages, groups, and comment threads associated with members of the minimalism movement, it seemed that far more women than men were on board with the minimal life.
As much as the promises and principles of minimalism resonated with me I did not embrace it, in large part because my identity as a husband, father, and working professional felt threatened by its implications. Why settle for less when everything in society suggested that I should be striving for more?
Yes, these feelings are rooted in vestiges of gender norms of the past. They’re admittedly old fashioned, and not even relevant to my circumstances, given that my wife is every bit my equal partner (and then some) in all aspects of our marriage, including our respective financial contributions to the household.
Nonetheless, these feelings (irrational as they may be) are real, so I don’t see the point in pretending otherwise. I have always prided myself on my ability to simply outwork any challenge, and I foolishly believed that embracing minimalism put my identity at risk by signaling vulnerability to the world. And vulnerability, at least in the pre-Brené Brown era, was not something I felt comfortable showing.
It took time, study, and reflection, but, ultimately, I overcame the resistance, scaled back, and began to realize the benefits of a life with less. I became a better husband, father, and professional—a better man—in the process. By no means am I perfect (far from it) but I’m far more present, aware, and happy than I was when caught up in the rat race.
As a result of my transformation, I’ve come to believe that more men need minimalism.
The Dangers of the Hedonic Flywheel
Too many of us are chasing rainbows that we’ll never reach. We strive and grasp for more but regardless of how far we get, it doesn’t lead to happiness. Each new level of achievement becomes the new baseline.
We believe that a material possession—be it a house, car, or new set of golf clubs—will lead to contentment, but save for a fleeting rush, it ends with remorse every time. We think “only if I get that promotion…” or “when I meet the person of my dreams…”—but our happy future doesn’t materialize the way we expected. Author Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy,” which is the belief (almost always false) that when you arrive at a certain destination, you’ll be happy.
In short, we keep sprinting on the “hedonic treadmill” and never get anywhere. We merely adapt to our new circumstances and keep searching for more. However, the “treadmill” as a metaphor doesn’t convey the whole story. If you’re on a treadmill you can simply step off.
Getting trapped in the rat race is better described as being strapped to a “hedonic flywheel.” A flywheel is a heavy, mounted wheel that takes a great deal of effort to push. As you keep pushing, the flywheel gains speed and eventually it generates its own momentum and goes faster and faster. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to stop.
A life animated by the pursuit of more money, possessions, and social status is a dizzying life on the flywheel. It’s one that goes round and round, faster and faster, but never gets any closer to happiness and contentment. (tweet that)
Through living a more minimal life, I was able to stop and take stock. What I found was that I still wanted “more”—just of a different variety. I didn’t know it at the time, but a British philosopher prescribed exactly what I was looking for nearly 100 years ago.
A Life Full of “Zest”
Bertrand Russell was one of the most influential philosophers of the 20th Century. He grew up in a wealthy household in the United Kingdom, but was deeply depressed—even suicidal—as a teenager.
He navigated his way into adulthood despite his depression. As he made his way through the world, he was struck by his observation, which seemed counterintuitive to him at the time, that many of the wealthiest people he met also seemed to be the unhappiest. This confused him and he set out to find an explanation. In 1930, he revealed his findings to the world in his classic book, The Conquest of Happiness, which was Russell’s attempt at explaining the root causes of both happiness and unhappiness in life.
In particular, Russell found that “zest” was the common mark of a happy person. “Zest,” by definition, means “enthusiasm, eagerness, energy and interest.” For Russell, having zest for life meant living with vigor, taking interest in the world around you, seeking out adventure, and living with a sense of enthusiasm. According to Russell, “What hunger is in relation to food, zest is in relation to life.”
I didn’t have a word for it at the time, but looking back, zest was the very ingredient that was missing from my life when it felt at its most monotonous. The days dragged by while the years seemed to fly past. I spent more time living through a screen than appreciating the wonders of the real world. Ambition and consumption blurred my vision to other possibilities.
By adopting a more minimalist lifestyle, I began to see what I was missing.
As a family, we cut back our possessions and financial obligations. We pared down our businesses, ditched our physical office space, and transitioned to a virtual working environment. This created space and time, which allowed me to pursue more outdoor activities that I love, and in the process rediscover a passion for life. I began to live with more zest and never looked back.
I know I’m not alone in my struggle with these issues. There are countless men who feel overworked, overstressed, and are drifting through their days. They feel sluggish from the weight of the expectations that society has foisted upon them. They see minimalism as a way out, but can’t muster the fortitude to make the changes necessary to transform their lives.
Obviously, women grapple with these issues, too, and I hope they can draw some lessons from my missteps. However, if my own hard-headedness is any indication, and given the staggering increase in mental health conditions among males, a message targeted more directly toward men is needed.
Transformation is not easy. I know this from experience. But I can say with certainty that there’s only one way off the hedonic flywheel, and it’s by taking a leap of faith into a more minimalist lifestyle. Once you regain your footing, you’ll come to realize that everything you were chasing was never going to make you happy.
You’ll see clearly, perhaps for the first time, that zest and passion for life come from its simplest pleasures.
***
Jay Harrington is a “reformed lawyer” turned author and entrepreneur, and blogs at Life and Whim where he helps people find purpose and live big through small moments. You can also find him on Facebook.
I’m sympathetic to his story, but still, I have to ask. Where is he getting this idea that only women are spokespeople for minimalism. Other than Marie Kondo, ALL of the best-known minimalists are men. If anything, women are underrepresented.
Your comment suggests women are being kept out of the discussion. They are not. I see more women attacking minimalists in comments sections than men. If women are underrepresented, it’s because instead of being INSPIRED by the message, we attack the messenger.
Good remark. But I do not quite agree, Rhonda. I always thought that men held second place in this area because their wives often complained about the differences between their daughters and sons. So to think that women have found a voice that represents them well here is a good thing.
Hello,
French frog is there.
Thank you for this article. It was really instructive.
I did not realize the importance to write this type of post.
I realize that I did not realize and I did not know the causes of their vulnerability.
Of courses I know that our possessions (a lot of possessions) is a problem. But apparently there is a direct link between depression, men and possessions (the causes of depression are different)
Thank you for your work, as usual it helps us.
Thank you for that.
Bonjour de France :-)
Thank you! Very relevant article. We women have certainly some disadvantages in life – and we forget our advantages. One of those is a looser identification with the world of wealth and power.
I agree with the author- we need a language targeting men specifically, and the message needs to be delivered by a men to other men. As is exemplified bu the author, the wife (or another significant woman in the life of a men) can say something 100 times – it won’t land until another men says it. An experience many wifes can tell a story about?
I became minimalist a long time ago when saving for a year long holiday. If it did t fit in my suitcase I didnt buy it! Fast forward a couple decades and my yearn for minimalism is buried under clutter, that I hadn’t kept on top of during a particularly busy time of my life. Regardless, that is being dealt with now. But I’ve never lost my zest. I’ve always had a zest and having things irritates me more than not having things! You’ve described it well, it is a hunger for life. One which stuff just gets in the way of by wasting your time and energy.
Great article ! I quit my career in litigation five years ago and took a modest job in a field I love. I just got a huge promotion but I am exited because I am interested in the field so I wake up with Zest, instead of having a hard time going to sleep because of cases floating around in my head. I have embraced minimalism starting the day I quit heavy litigation. I love it. It’s freedom from caring about how society tries to categorize us. I am me, not what I do for a living. I’m going to read your book : )
What’s up with that photo? Not sure it relates to minimalism. Minimalism good. Man bun bad. Just my opinion. YMMV.
This makes him a “Bunny man” haha, meaning a cave man, sigh! Going backward in the civilization. Yep, something wrong with this picture.
I agree.
Great article and good to see minimalism being talked about from the male perspective. However I’d disagree with the idea what you’re trying to move away from is a result of old gender norms and would instead point to materialism being the issue. Something which effects both men and women.
It’s not like women have been hounding men not to win the rat race. On the contrary just as many women have bought into the game and pressure men to play along. It’s our materialistic capitalist society that is dictating you have to win the game and keep up with the Joneses, not the gender expectation that men by providers and protectors.
Ultimately we can never get around these roles or do away with them, however we can direct them and evolve them. Your anxiety around moving towards minimalism was really anxiety around losing your wife to other men that could better provide for her because you were under the assumption to provide meant to win the game. As you said it wasn’t until she signalled this wouldn’t be the case that you really got on board.
It’s important to recognize this and talk about how minimalism can in fact help men fulfill their role as protectors and providers better in today’s world than winning the game. What women need from men has changed and in turn our roles need to change. They are less in need of financial security, since they can provide that themselves, and are instead looking for men to provide something more spiritual/social/emotional.
Men need to know that the feelings that motivate them to play out their role are not bad, irrational, or wrong. They don’t need to be repressed and no one can get over them. To be able to deal with these emotions properly requires being truthful and mindful of them. So it’s important for men to know they exist so they can learn to express them properly.
Because as unfashionable as it is to say these gender roles provide a deep level of contentment and sense of purpose. It feels good to provide for your family even when that means putting down the gone and being present or making your house easy to live in. One of the biggest problems with materialism is the idea of pursuing your own happiness and success above all else. The inherent selfishness of the game is the problem people are waking up to.
Over the years I have dated materialistic women and was even married to one for 10 years. The introduction of minimalism can be highly offensive at first. “What you are saying I spend too much – blah, blah, blah!” My caution is to introduce gently and consistently. Do not expect a jump in with excitement response! There is a great book – Essentialism by Greg McKeown. It blends nicely with Minimalism. And I do not fault women versus men. There are plenty of men fully engaged in consumerism.
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I disagree strongly. I tried to get my wife to embrace minimalism and I wasted a lot of time trying to be gentle about it. Like most men, my wife spends like crazy, and that is how it is and how it will be.
The best approach is to force the issue rather than wasting your own time and energy. Tell your wife to embrace minimalism or start packing. Those that are suited for it will get on board.
In the end my wife refused to stop adding more and more stuff to our home. As soon as I moved to an apartment and had only my stuff I discovered I was already a minimalist!
The moral of this story is that you can go closet by closet and all that nonsense or, if you are a man, you can get rid of 90% of the excess in one move.
Woah, this article really felt like it spoke to me directly. For some reason this hit my soul.
Many thanks for your article which I hope to spread to a large number of people. Simplicity is the motor for a real life.
I’d like to ask how to attempt progress in minimalism when one is the only family member interested in it. I’m sure there must be plenty of others out there in the same predicament. At this point, I am paring down my things and decided to quit asking my spouse to do the same. Suggestions anyone?
Hey Carol, here are a couple of articles you may find helpful:
When You’re a Minimalist But Your Partner Isn’t
Simplicity When Your Spouse Doesn’t Get It
How To Get Your Partner To Be a Minimalist
Women do most the housework, if not all, so I assume like myself wives are more likley to persue minimalism first to keep a tidy house with less cleaning or moving stuff around. I have fwd the articles to women I know whose husbands are not motivated.
I disagree strongly. I tried to get my wife to embrace minimalism and I wasted a lot of time trying to be gentle about it. Like most men, my wife spends like crazy, and that is how it is and how it will be.
The best approach is to force the issue rather than wasting your own time and energy. Tell your wife to embrace minimalism or start packing. Those that are suited for it will get on board.
In the end my wife refused to stop adding more and more stuff to our home. As soon as I moved to an apartment and had only my stuff I discovered I was already a minimalist!
The moral of this story is that you can go closet by closet and all that nonsense or, if you are a man, you can get rid of 90% of the excess in one move.
Carol, minimizing, eating healthy, working toward worthy goals instead of the “American Dream” were all things I wanted. I knew if I pushed DH it would close his mind. So instead I asked if he was okay with my changing eating habits, decluttering, etc. It’s not that I am always right-there are many many things I have learned from him! In these few things, though, he gradually had an awakening. First it was food because he saw how healing food was for me. He asked me to stop making his unhealthy treats and instead help him eat better. Then it was getting rid of things. Now he says I can get rid of anything without asking him. He knows I would never get rid of anything he enjoys. Now he is starting to talk about how the American Dream to have xyz is not a dream after all. It’s a trap. That last part took years, but once he saw it for himself, he understood what I was thinking all this time. The key is to allow him to live as he wants to, and let him know that your minimizing, etc. is because you want more/better____with him. Thank him for allowing you to minimize your surroundings as much as he is willing let him see how much happier you both are as you make time for the things you want to do. It can be a huge shock for someone that doesn’t get it. So give him time and lovingly prove to him that this can give him a better life-a life he actually wants.
I went down the same road… I didnt find what I had hoped for… a person has to have an interest and be willing and if not it’s a waist of time
The flywheel is a perfect metaphor. It is really hard to get off of the flywheel. I am currently dealing with job loss, a temporary job with no time off or personal development time, and a job search. I dream of the day that I don’t have to worry about pleasing others or proving myself to be “successful”, but then I think of the years until I can do that on my current path. I am stuck on the flywheel.
I already work toward a minimalist lifestyle. It really resonates with me. I don’t know what “Leap of Faith” to take. What does that look like for me and my family…
Very thought provoking.
Awesome read, great reminder to pursue zest, not material possessions. It’s incredible the amount of creativity and happiness that emerge once you remove yourself from the rat race for an extended period. Focus all your energies on pursuits and goals that are meaningful to you and bring you the most joy. The effects are long lasting, even if you re-enter the rat race after.
Thanks for the article. I believe that everyone can reduce stress by creating a simple life. Complexity causes stress. I think that a focus on what’s really important in life simplifies and makes life so much more joyful. Thanks again!
Zest is word that probably defines my desire in life as a man. I can certainly relate to this article. My wife recently read Courtney Carver’s “Soulful Simplicity”; learning the psychology behind minimalism has helped her overcome the misconceptions in pursuing a minimalist life. I am grateful we are on the same path.
I appreciate your newsletter reminders to keep our life simple. Even though this article was written for men, the reminders are equally needed for women.
Each time I consider purchasing a non consumable item, I ask myself will this really make my life better, or just complicate my life?
Michelle: Very important reminders also for seniors married or single. Why burden heirs with stuff and time involved to find ways to dispose of the stuff? Too many people did this incl. my inlaws. Burdening the heirs is selfish. Letting heirs pick out what they want while parent (s), aunts, uncles, etc. are still living makes sense.
Agree?
This was a phenomenal article… I am too am trapped. My wife is a starry eyed immigrant with a passion for the “American Dream”. Together with her workaholism, and my disillusion, I find myself on a rollercoaster. I wish I could wake up from the cruise control of brain fog. I have tried many times, and I have achieved amazing things with my life, even deep spiritual things, yet here I am, still only tasting the baby food of contentment. And I was the very one who wanted to avoid the Joneses in the first place! Yet I am now enslaved by the “system”. It feels like the only way out is to burn the house down; yet, running away isn’t the solution, financial discipline is… but how in a divided perspective?
Show her what you can have together and show her how you plan to get there. Paint the realistic picture so you are both on the same page. Be gentle. Ask if she is willing to try.
It feels like so many of these Minimalist, live free stories are based on people that have digital (remote) work from home jobs. I would appreciate the perspective from a man working in the office 9-5 (or 7-7!) with school aged kids involved in community activities (athletics, church, scouting)…. how do you live more minimalist without becoming a full time blogger?
I became minimalist with two school-aged children at home while working a full-time job in an office.
Start by getting rid of duplicates. Try saying ‚no‘ to a request. Depending on the age of your kids, spend an afternoon with them choosing two toys each to donate. Donate two articles of clothing per person in the household. Repeat as many times as you like.