Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sarah Mae of SarahMae.com.
There he was, sitting on his bed with tears in his 7-year old eyes.
I had just got through yelling at him, again, to clean his bedroom. I was tired of the mess and I was tired of telling him to clean.
“Just do it!” I would shout. How quickly I forget how overwhelmed I feel when a mess is staring me in the face.
This was not the mother I wanted to be.
As I looked at my son and I looked at the mess, I realized we were both overwhelmed. It was too much—it felt like too high a mountain to climb.
It was then that I knew we needed a change. My sweet boy needed a mom who wasn’t so stressed, and I needed a boy who didn’t feel defeated before he began.
That was that day we decided on a very simple rule that would become the foundation for how we would live: Fewer things, more peace.
The less we have, the less overwhelmed we feel. And the less overwhelmed we feel, the happier we are. (tweet that)
It was with that philosophy in mind that I said, “Buddy, we are going to get rid of some things today. We can throw some things away and give some things away, but at the end of it all, you are only going to have 20 toys left.”
We called it The 20-Toy Rule.
20 toys sounds like a lot… or maybe it doesn’t. But you’d be surprised at how many things children can accumulate. I was shocked when we began moving towards 20 toys each. We don’t spoil our children and I already had been pretty strict about the toy situation. But when I sat with my son in his room that day, I had to face the fact that we had allowed in too much stuff.
At first, upon hearing my idea, his eyes got big and a look of worry came over his face. But once we started, he really got into it. He was sorting and getting excited about giving things away and even selling things in a future yard sale. He was, believe it or not, actually having fun with the challenge.
The more we got rid of, the lighter I felt. And the anger began to disappear. There we were, getting rid of stuff, and we were happier.
We don’t need stuff, we need peace. We need to feel loved and safe and okay with what we have.
I want my children to learn contentment and joy where they are and with what they have. I don’t want them falling into the trap of always needing more and better things. Learning to have less helps them to be free. And I want them to be free.
To be fair, keeping toys to a minimum has taken work. I have had to train my three children to be okay with not having something. And yes, it has been training. For example, every time we would go into Target we would immediately pass the dollar section of the store filled with bright and beckoning things that call to children (thanks for that Target). I used to think, “What’s a dollar? It’s no big deal.” So my kids would each get something nearly every time we entered that store. I decided that would be one of the changes I made right away, no more dollar toys. I told my children before we even went in the store what to expect, and they all nodded their little heads of understanding.
You can imagine the shock when I actually followed through. “But mom!” No buts, baby. We are doing this. We are learning to live content. After a few times of whining and crying and me not giving in, they stopped the fussing. Now we go into Target and they don’t even ask. They know it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.
The point is, we had to put rules in place, and we had to stick to them. It’s hard at first, but if you stick to it, it gets easier, I promise.
You can do it. You can help your children be free.
It’s worth it.
***
Sarah Mae blogs at SarahMae.com where she encourages and inspires moms in motherhood. You can also find her on Twitter.
Janet says
Would you recommend this if you have an autistic child? My 8-year old son has autism and can’t talk yet. He plays with certain toys. When I hid those that he doesn’t play with, he will go look for them and spread them all in his room.
Carol Kennelly says
I have lived in a small beach house for 37 years.
Each time an item comes into the house an item must exit the house.
My children had toys but not too many.
The hardest part of the toy problem is convincing your children not to compete with their peers who have the latest toy the moment it hits the store. Also grandparents and relatives buying all the time.
Lexie says
Amen. My heart practically burst reading this because it triggers such a desire for that feeling of freedom and peace! It starts with the dollar spot. Then it ends up being the toy aisle. Then it’s a heavy sigh and and okay FINE and no one is really happy. It’s nothing of value. Instead of every dollar counting, it’s like the money doesn’t even matter. Just get the kid out of the store without a temper tantrum. That was what it was like for a while, and it was no one’s fault but my own. Now we are back to the dollar spot…no toy aisle. But it’s progress. I try to avoid Target altogether, to be frank, but I know that’s dodging the issue.
Courtney says
What do you do about training the grandparents? Birthdays and Holidays are a disaster when trying to convince grandparents that your household has certain rules regarding this matter?
Carolyn Bostic says
I like the presents rule I’ve come across in the last year or two.
Something you want, something you need; Something to wear, & something to read. Very simple for the grandparents to work within these guidelines.
Nicole says
Yes. Definitely this. Our current living arrangements (very, very small space) make it necessary for us to limit “stuff” not just for the kids but for my husband and I, too. I can honestly say that even when we get a bigger place (which I assume will have to happen at some point) I would still limit “stuff” and toys. 20 toys is definitely doable I think.
Michelle Sinclair says
I always remember an article I read about the author overhearing a farewell between a mother and her child at an airport. The mother said ‘I wish you enough ‘. The author asked her afterwards what she ment. She said she wished her enough of everything to be happy in life. To be happy and content and not always be longing for more stuff/money whatever. A lovely saying and a lovely farewell.
Ellen Scott Grable says
My mother had a similar rule. Half my toys were always.packed.away on vacation in the attict. She would tell me bedtime stories of elephants grand adventure and teddy on safari iAfrica.Months later when she trades them out I was so excited.to assee them again.
Tina says
I think this article is something which most modern parents can resonate with. In tge drive towards ‘healthy’ economic growth, we have been conditioned by media to continually strive for more and better abd tge accumulation of all things material. What a crock! None of it makes sense! I used to be a shopoholic. Always justified why I had bought sonething and more often than not, the items were for my children, when they neither needed nor particularly wanted the things I’d bought. They were not being ungrateful, more like I was spending money I didnt need to spend. In recent years, I have been continually stressed and overwhelmed by all the stuff which I helped acquire. My girls are actually the ones saying, “Mom, why did you buy that, I don’t really need it.” This prompted me to change. I decided not to buy anything that wasn’t absolutely needed or necessary. I chose to put away money, instead. I didn’t think I actually spent very much, until after just 4 months, I had put away $5k, instead of spending! That wan’t even the best part. The truth is we haven’t missed nor wanted for anything. I have spent mobey, but only on necessary consumable items such as skin care, vitamins, toiletries and food. It’s shocking how much all that stuff costs, too, so I only buy what I need and refuse to be seduced by offers, sales or buy 2 get one free. For the shopoholic it’s important as with any kind of addiction, to remove temptation & stay away from malls and sales, also online stores. Now I even delay purchasing things I actually need, like new shoes or clothing, just because I have grownto really dislike going in the artificial, busy, crowded environment. So make the changes your family needs. You can use the money you save for a great family vacation or put it in a college fund. Less really is more. More savings, more space and more appreciation and peace.
Kris H says
I have been wanting to do this for a while, but my 4 year old is a real hoarder. How can I help her to understand, and how do I start this daunting process knowing she will cry and go on about it for months (or years)?
Tina says
Tell her you want to make more play space. Explain that you will sort through her stuff together. Be light hearted and have a fun attitude towards it. Go from there. My girls are older but I have always helped them when decluttering their stuff and have found them to be much more willing to part with their stuff than I was ! Start with 3 empty boxes:
Keep Donate recycle.
Pick up an item and ask her which box does this belong in. Don’t take too long with the decision. Keep the pace constant. All the best =)
Paul says
I’m wondering if this works with adults too!? I have been decluttering my house (so far having done clothes, books and various nick-nacks) but I have several hobbies that I haven’t yet thought about seriously having so far put that off; studying music (piano, guitar and sythesisers), radio controlled helicopters, PC gaming and a classic car!
Naturally these hobbies come with “toys”; music gear, helicopters, computers, spare parts etc! This post has inspired me to think about my need to spend some time over the next week seeing if I can pare down the number of “toys” I have to 20 in total across my hobbies, with the aim of restricting this accumulation in the future! I only have a limited amoount of time to spend on this stuff afterall!
P