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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time.
We embarked on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the non-essentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most.
Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences—like a weekend at the beach, for example.
Removing the non-essentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory.
At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials of what makes a good marriage.
Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed.
Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for caring for the very elements of a happy marriage.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play.
They have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment.
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy marriages.
Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness.
Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse.
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility.
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you—that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness.
Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time.
Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust.
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication.
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust—just to name a few.
8. Selflessness.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Accomplishing the marriage advice listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself—but it so worth it if you want to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
naabi says
In my life nothing of it works. I am a broken soul and broken heart
Jessica says
Thank you. A beautiful article with practical and wise tips.
Anonymous says
I broke up with my girlfriend last 2 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get her back. none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com that he will help me and as my friend said, Mr robinson helped me to bring back my girlfriend just in 3 days, I now have her back and this is the biggest joy of my life,
Brian_87! says
If love is blind then the marriage has to be deaf :D
I have always believed that a good marriage is made by keeping a balance between certain things. You have to forgive and forget, place compassion over passion and respect the ‘individual’ in your partner; this has to be the basic priority. Thanks for sharing such wisdom, you are going to make many marriages successful after this post :)
Happy marriage tips says
I’m married to my second husband, our marriage is his third. I was married to my first husband 26 years. This doesn’t make us marriage experts but we have learned things from our past relationships that we’ve brought into ours
Divine Shammah says
Wonderful experience, God bless you all.
Kelvin Raphael says
Thank you very much for this. I’d like to be your friend, this is my contact twitter: @ilokshady_bush I am looking forward to seeing your tweet. God bless you.
DaveC says
I will never get married again. I feel it is not worth the piece of paper. I feel that the marriage vows the God imposes on a person are unrealistic and a recipie for failure. You agree to an exclusive relationship for life and basically your needs pretty much go unmet. Even if you voice your concerns it falls on deaf ears. i was in a marriage for 18 years and it was nothing but a huge source of misery, frustration and basically feeling trapped. Knowing what the rules are, Why would anyone ever want to agree to something like this? Yet we all do it.
James says
Its not about us, no one should get married for themselves they should do it for the other person and their partner should be doing the same. Its not about what just makes one person happy its about what makes you both happy and being happy with someone else is so much more than being happy alone. We find that person that we are capable of being so very happy with and to avoid commitment welcomes the other person to be swept away by someone who will commit, so we marry them. Its a vow to remain one unit against every hardship its an empowering union. I think you guys may have just lost your way as a unit maybe one side decided they valued themselves individually more than as a unit and that caused it to fall a part and thus causing misery. I have not been married long but I am also a very studious person I have payed attention to life and people, both failures and successes of myself and others, I learn from everything. I pay attention to what works and think a lot about what doesn’t and why. I think going into ones self and really taking time to learn something does wonders for anything we face in life, I know it has for me. Dont just react, contemplate and study yourself and your world. I and my wife do this so it helps us everyday in or lives together. If you do not know yourself how can you truly know others?
michael says
who ever is reading this testimony today should please celebrate with me and my family because it all started like a joke to some people and others said it was impossible. my name is Michael i live in Chicago i am happily married with two kids and a lovely wife something terrible happen to my family along the line, i lost my job and my wife packed out of my house because i was unable to take care of her and my kids at that particular time. i manage all through five years, no wife to support me to take care of the children and there come a faithful day that i will never forget in my life i met an old friend who i explain all my difficulties to, and he took me to a spell caster and and the name of the temple is called, okundonorgreatspell, i was assure that everything will be fine and my wife will come back to me after the wonderful work of dr okundonorgreatspell, my wife came back to me and today i am one of the richest man in my country. i advice you if you have any problem email him with this email: dr.okundonorgreatspell@gmail.com and you will have the best result. take things for granted and it will be take from you.
Esther Chukwuemeka says
i like this