I care less about money than I ever have before. But accolades get me every time.
Last spring was one of the most successful seasons of my life—at least in worldly terms. I released a book, Clutterfree with Kids, that spent two weeks as the #1 Parenting book in America. On the exact same day, our Facebook page passed 100,000 fans (now at almost 250,000). And, with over 1 million visitors each month, Becoming Minimalist was reaching more and more people with the life-giving benefits of owning less.
I felt like I was on top of the world. It was an amazing season. And I enjoyed it for almost an entire two weeks.
You see, later that spring, during an evening session of answering email at my dining room table, I began to notice some interesting chatter on social media. A friend of mine had been featured on a popular news website. Immediately, it seemed, everybody was talking about her, heaping praise on her accomplishment.
I should have been happy for her. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was jealous. I wanted that level of exposure.
And in a heartbeat, everything changed.
Later that same week, I noticed another author’s Facebook page was growing faster than mine. And then a different blogger’s post was going viral. To make it worse, my book was no longer on top of any bestsellers list. In fact, there were several parenting books selling better than mine. I began to regret that I didn’t title my book, The 5 Love Languages to Expect When You’re Expecting.
Rather than celebrating one of the greatest seasons of my life, I had become petty and envious of the people around me. And this was not just a superficial jealousy that fades in the morning—this was a jealousy deeply rooted in my heart that I could not shake no matter what I tried.
My work and accomplishments immediately seemed less impressive.
A short while later I was listening to Anne Lamott speak at a conference in San Diego. She was speaking about writing, but she was also speaking about life (as she so brilliantly does).
During one of her answers, she made an important observation. She said, “If you are hoping to find your self-worth and fulfillment in other peoples’ opinion of your writing, you will never find it.”
Her statement caught my attention immediately. I thought back over the last several weeks and suddenly realized that is exactly what I had done. I had based my self-worth and happiness on the number of accolades I received from others. And as they began to turn elsewhere, so did my opinion of the life I was trying to live.
Finding our self-worth in the approval and accolades from others is always a foolish pursuit.
It negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live. But they never fully satisfy our hearts or our souls. Even those who have reached the pinnacle of fame and prestige in our society long for more. As Eric Hoffer once wrote, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy.”
The life you live is the life you live regardless if anybody notices or not. (tweet that)
Our goal is not to secure accolades. They are empty and fleeting. Our goal is to live the one life we’ve been given to its greatest potential—whether anybody praises you for it or not.
Janine says
This is important to remember – “The life you live is the life you live regardless if anybody notices or not.”
It is oh so easy to fall into the stats trap:
“If you are hoping to find your self-worth and fulfillment in other peoples’ opinion of your writing, you will never find it.”
And now I breathe a sigh of relief after sitting here for 3 nights trying to write and being unable to, simply because I felt that I should produce a post to keep my traffic up, to keep consistent, etc etc. In the end I blog to write, I don’t blog to be popular (ironic, yes, since this is exactly the opposite to what I tell my clients but then they use blogging for marketing purposes). But popularity, the beast that it is, can be oh so tantalising, especially when it’s all so in your face (get more tweets, more likes, more shares, more more more!).
Soumya Radhakrishnan says
Yes, self-worth is the solution for this. From a business perspective, shelf-life of books, music and most of the products have generally reduced especially after the dot-com boom. So, it is definitely an achievement even if a book has been #1 for just a two-week period.
Great article, btw.
less4success says
This sounds like another example of intrinsic goals being more attainable and rewarding whereas extrinsic goals are basically never-ending pursuits that leave you permanently unsatisfied. It’s a difficult lesson to absorb, given that our society focuses so much on extrinsic goals. Thanks for a health dose of reality!
Kevin McGrane says
Spot on, Joshua. Thank you. I needed this insight this week. God bless!
Joshua Banker says
i really really needed this today. Thank you!
Caroline Starr Rose says
This is something I’m trying so hard to remember, especially as reviews roll in. My new mantra is “My editor is proud of this book. I am proud of this book. This is enough.”
Nick says
Beautiful thought. Approval is quite empty. I can think of many examples in my life: getting the degree, getting the job, getting the raise, getting the bonus, meeting the expectations of the parents. A temporary endorphin shot is all we get out of it. All that hard work, for that temporary endorphin shot.
BrownVagabonder says
“The life you live is the life you live regardless if anybody notices or not.”
Thank you for this statement and this blog. It’s so interesting to me how I love myself and my life when I am in a bubble of my own. The minute I venture out into the real world, I despise myself and degrade my life, as it doesn’t compare to something else or someone else’s. I have to keep on reminding myself that I am living my own life, and that is that. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks I am amazing or my life is amazing, as long as I am having fun and doing what I want with my time on this earth. No one else’s opinion matters, except myself. I should tattoo that on myself.
Archna says
Love it.
Judy says
True, Joshua. I struggled with jealousy a few years back and it isn’t pretty! It eats away inside like a cancer and zaps the joy out of every other aspect of your life. I overcame it somehow…but when trapped in its clutches it’s very difficult to escape.