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“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
It’s easy to follow these advises when life isn’t so bad but when your parent is killed and crime is never solved, husband over 25 years leaves for a girl your kids age and then you find out your kid has a devastating disease! How do you not look at friends that have health kids and not be envious. I can over come all but that last one is so hard to deal with and your friends with healthy kids don’t understand the devastation.
I think it’s really hard to overcome these feelings, especially since they eat away at you for years. I can’t understand why or how, but there’s just one person in my life who seems perfect at everything, but the problem is, everyone else sees it too, yet they don’t feel envious about it. My take on it is that others don’t care enough about these perfect qualities to feel jealous about them.
At the end of the day, all I hope for is a normal relationship and it seems like a distant future right now.
For anyone else struggling too, I would say to them that if you’re jealous about a friend, TALK, resolve. In most cases, people are intelligent enough to be empathetic and help you through it too. If it’s not possible, then please stop the negative self-thoughts. They are essentially what got you here in the first place.
It’s draining. It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the esteem out of you. It sucks everything out of you. But try to remember your unique place in the world. Nobody can take that from you, or live it better than you. And use that empty feeling inside to soak yourself up with a brank new hobby or skill.
Thank you for this article.
What about if your not happy with the way you look you try everything it starts to work as you assume you look in the mirror you look good but then … someone takes a pic of you and it’s a total difference from what you thought you looked like LETS TALK ABOUT INSECURE AND DEPRESSION NOW… then you think of those other pretty girls your ex chose over you and you think dang this is why or afraid of other pretty girls who may be better then you in every way obviously by looks to that your husband may be desiring secretly .
Hey Tatyana – I know this might not be the best response but I’d say look in the mirror and imagine you are IN LOVE with yourself. We ALL deserve to feel loved in that way and you legit can do it for YOURSELF! You are beautiful, you are amazing. Believe it…it starts with you. Oh and thanks for the reminder to do this for myself. 😀 Love will come to you if you let it.
I just don’t know where this emotion begin, one day I felt like I am bitter against some of my family members, just like my parents and elders praise my cousin for what they had achieved that I couldn’t. I feel so jealous of my friends or my cousin’s family who supports them in making their kids do to develop more talent and gain skills. My family is overprotective when I was a kid, friends invited me to play sports or travel, and they immediately says no for whatever reason. It sucks that my family blocks me to grasp my passion for swimming competitions or let them have me a violin lesson when I was a kid. I know some will say it’s not too late to strive for my passion, but my life stops me from having that as I am broke and frustrated in my college life. Now, seeing my cousins that they have money, and others spending good quality time, I couldn’t help but feel so jealous. Seeing my niece and nephew can freely take whatever they really try just broke my heart, and I wish I could be like them. I feel so sorry for myself that I experienced this nonsense feeling, It’s hard to ignore because the moment I see things that I wish I have… that feeling, jealousy kicks in my brain.
Dont worry bro see peoples lower than you n spend sometime with them weekly at least n try new things yeah money is needed so try to make ur own things for example u like sports so play with poor young guys in ground n share ur knowledge with them n learn life by them
May god bless u :)
This reply is one of the wisest and most human things I’ve read on the internet or anywhere. Thanks, bro.
I feel that I was poor growing up and I now realize that the things I could not have, opportunities and possessions, can’t really be counted as good or bad losses. However, I have the experience of being poor that has given me an appreciation and humbleness in life that cannot be taught. I can actually see in in other people and it can’t be learned, it has to be lived.
So true. Bless you.
These could have been my words. Except now I’m much older than college age, and I wish I would’ve realized how young I still was then. If I could go back, I think I would have insisted on honoring my passions instead of convincing myself it was already too late.
I am also struggling with jealousy – big time. Everywhere around I see these people, achieving so much – often duo to their hard work. Buying apartments, houses, cars, expensive appliances. Once, years ago we were all at the same point in our lives, figuring life out, but now they all moved on, took risks and I am still standing there without nothing. Sure, I have my degree, my work, family but we are standing in a blind spot, not moving forward. Sure I could say I am talented, sewing, crafting, cooking but it feels like second degree gifts. Cannot acquire joy from it anymore, I am so bitter. I worked with refugees from Ukraine and it did not make me happy either.
Whenever I hear about someone’s else’s success it physically aches me, and a surge of hater comes to my head. I hate it, but cannot really change it…
You can change it my Dear.
Just be grateful for what you have and always be happy for your achievement.
I believe you can change any situation you do not like. You seem to have great talents and skills. Maybe you need to look at others with the same talent and skills who have made it great with the intention to learn what they did, and see how you can put effort into doing it.
there is no better skill or talent or gift, it all depend on how far you take it….every gift well monetised will create riches. investing in your self is a great place to start…read, watch, learn, do it and see result..God bless you Vivi.
I hate myself for being jealous/ envious of others people success, I just don’t know what to do and I hate myself for it,I can’t control it.. I really can’t and I’m tired.i just want to be happy.
Hi! Hang in there and you can achieve your own goals! You sound like a very nice person❤️
I also hate myself for being jealous. I feel embarrassed from myself whenever I got jealous from my friends even on their success I think that what kind of friend I am ……. Real friends don’t get jealous from each other I want to stop this .
i like you’re comments I’m also like that. I really hate myself too for being jealous of my friend because they always hang out, they always eating in different restaurant. Having a poor family a always compare myself to others. I want to be happy. =
Very good article… and very wisdom’s suggestions BUT unfortunately for my point of view is very very difficult not to slip back on envy (at least on my case). I tried it all: positive mind, exercises, value what I have, meditations you name it… but nothing worked so far, i tried many things and all failed miserably! still I want what orhers have. It’s bloody annoying and I don’t know what to do. I see someone with a nice car (i dont even own one… if course i cannot affort it) or have a house (not even big bit the own house)… more time to enjoy life (not struggle every bloody month, awesome vacations, buy something without make hundreds of calculations to see if I can buy something or not). Most of it I’m angry to myself… so far I’m not be able to do good financially and my worst nightmare, what really consume my life inside regardless I’m always laughing and be apparently happy… the fact that if carry on luke that I won’t be able to leave to my daughter money when I’ll be death. Anyway… sorry for my message. But I feel shit.
Hey you know I’m in a bit of a similar situation. I can’t shake the feelings either. It’s really quite hard, especially when you’re surrounded by a bunch of “successful” people and you can never get away.
Maybe it helps to know someone else out there feels just as terrible as you, just as you read this.
Please take care of yourself and just hang on in there.
Struggling at work big time while lots of other guys are doing great.
The atmosphere and and everything gets to me every time…
I know this is wrong and I am trying my best to deal with it..
Thanks for the article.
Envy,jealousy and hate are from Satan. The best way to curb it is through the word of God (Bible). Psalms 51:10&11 will help. It’s time we live in spirit and not in flesh.
Nice write up
Thank You ❤️ for sharing.
It is bad to be jealous of your friends.
Good article.. I would say though that the idea of a wasted emotion to me is non-existent. All emotions have value. None are good or bad. It’s how you react to them that counts. Own these feelings. You are allowed them. Jealousy also is a little more worrisome than envy, which we all suffer from to some degree. However.. your steps for moving forward and tackling these emotions are spot on. Gratitude and Generosity especially. Stepping outside your own head will by definition move you away from envy.
Thanks for the positive input. First time I’m doing a sales job and my colleague has a language advantage over me, therefore gets clients over me. It’s upsetting and creates this unreasonable feelings of jealousy. I try to be grateful for the job in these pandemic times and that I’m a Senior but still difficult to do.
Love this. Thank you.
Love these words. Thank you.
Thanks so much , I feel so envious & jealous abt my friends’ success , this has developed more 2 years ago when I drop out from school was so depressed , ever since then I feel low, I feel that am not up to the task & each time I see a friend’s life or post on social media , I feel so envious and jealous I ask myself <> I’ve been on many therapies to get through these feelings, cus they r tearing me apart and making me feel depressed..
Quit social media for a bit and see if you feel better. Remember how much people lie about themselves. I wish you well.
It’s such a tricky thing, and there’s no easy solution.
Try fixing up the negative self-talk and definitely take time away from media, however much FOMO you might feel. These feelings won’t last forever, I promise.
Thank you so much for the great article. I have to share two thoughts that helped me to avoid jealousy
1- strive to bless , not to impress
2- jealousy is an emotional crime against to ourselves.
Count my blessings and serve others with real intent to bless, but not to impress can lead us away jealousy. Jealousy comes from Satan..he wants all. We can strive to become generous like Jesus who wants to give all, and He did.
Beautiful.
i am feeling so helpless that i feel jealous of others. i am hard working person but i always thought that i never get what i deserve and this feeling makes me so angry. i know i am not helping myself thinking like that. i do not feel proud of my achievements any more..i waste my time thinking about others success…i feel so less in front of them. i feel i am not a good person at all. my family members hate me for my daily behavior. i am so much ashamed of myself.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am currently battling with the same issue. We will be fine, just try your best not to be hard on yourself.
I feel envy most of the time specially in physical and financial matters even if I don’t want to feel like that I still do. I want to be genuinely happy for them. I know it’s bad to not be happy in others achievement but even if I say I wanna be happy for them, I’ll just be shocked that I’m actually not happy for them. I feel so bad cause I know it’s wrong but I just don’t know how to stop it. It makes me sad
I feel envy most of the time specially in physical and financial matters even if I don’t want to feel like that I still do. I want to be genuinely happy for them. I know it’s bad to not be happy in others achievement but even if I say I wanna be happy for them, I’ll just be shocked that I’m actually not happy for them. I feel so bad cause I know it’s wrong but I just don’t know how to stop it.
I actually don’t know what is wrong with me. I get envious of everything literally everything I see. I try my best to keep those feelings to my self and I do. I can be extremely happy for others but inside “oh damn I’ll get it next TIME” and thats what I hate mostly about myself. I seem to be looking for ways one succeed and intend to ignore the fact that they had worked hard for it. I see everything as a competition and THAT only I should always be the winner. Please get me out of this
Good article though
I actually don’t know what is wrong with me. I get envious of everything literally everything I see. I try my best to keep those feelings to my self and I do. I can be extremely happy for others but inside “oh damn I’ll get it next TIME” and thats what I hate mostly about myself. I seem to be looking for ways one succeed and intend to ignore the fact that they had worked hard for it. I see everything as a competition and tgat u should always be the winner. Please get me out of this
Good article
Jealousy has haunted me for such a long time and ultimately I have developed anger and bitterness. I really envy people who have discovered themselves because there’s power in one’s purpose (talents, gifts etc). everyday i ask myself ‘how did they do it’. I hope the points stipulated on the article will help.
Thank u
I agree with almost all of the points but the last one, I really don’t see how charity can make me less envious, in fact I have seen charity as a recomendation for many problems and it never makes sense.
Anyways, good article overall, thank you for sharing.
Its usually to show the contrast between what you have and those less fortunate. It’s a way to gain gratitude for what you have, therefore making you less envious of others because it could be worst.
I have to admit I enjoyed contact sports such as football hockey and martial arts because I wanted to cut people down to size. Overpowering and hurting others gave a boast to my self esteem. Have always had severe anger envy jealousy issues. I could work on the 1s 5 steps but in no way could I ever be happy at someone else’s success. I have extreme schadenfreude.
Envy,jealousy and hate are from Satan. The best way to curb it is through the word of God (Bible). Psalms 51:10&11 will help. It’s time we live in spirit and not in flesh.
Nice write up
Great article since I am fighting the urge to see people I envy fail. I can try 6 out of 7 stuff. NO WAY can I enjoy thers success