“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
Ann says
I like the Jewish saying. …there’s a contemporary Irish one: A kind word never broke a tooth !
Jean E. Lineaweaver says
Colossians 4:6The Message (MSG)
5-6 Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don’t miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.
5 says
Its almost like you just watched my morning interaction with my 12 yr old. It did not go well. I then spent the 20 min drive back home reeling about how horrible it went and how differently I should have behaved. Your words put what I was thinking into perfect perspective. Well said. So true. And the end result will feel so much better when it starts with kindness. If only I had read this first. ;) I am saving this, and reminding myself often!!
Ann says
Been there and done that. .x3 teenagers!! They seemed to know how to push my buttons! ;/ All in their 20s now and we have great relationships. The best thing I was taught (by my mum’s actions) was to ‘front-foot’ and get in first with my apology. .a clear, unequivocal one. Just stating what I’M sorry for and stopping right after that.! It’s a humbling step but it did work. :)
Jeanne says
Thanks for the reminder. I’ve found this to be true, as well. It’s difficult not to react defensively when feeling attacked and in the heat of the moment, but when I react with kindness it fosters more positive communication and often leads to a better understanding between parties. Meditation has helped me be less reactive and more responsive, and a deliberate “pause” does wonders. I work at this every day.
Heidi says
“…turn away negativity with positivity.” WOW! Thank you Joshua for your continued words of wisdom.
Rakhee says
Thanks for this gem. And of course, responding softly to trolls also means our control stays with us. We don’t give the troll charge of our emotions.
Kindly says
Well, I was unable to do this with my father’s wife and then him because of their handling of a situation I was in. I was already in emotional pain and instead of just listening etc she had to project her stuff onto me. I told her to ‘be quiet’. Well of course I was the baddie. To this day we are estranged because I owe her an apology , according to them. I hurt her, but never mind how she hurt me. But that wasn’t the first time.
Rakhee says
Thank you so much for this post. Of late I have been discovering that answering attacks with counterattacks only serves to mask the attacker’s behavior and makes people think the victim is the provoker. It is better to have a habit of being calm in the face of such attacks and be gentle as you’ve pointed out. However, this does take practice for some, and that includes me. It is initially frustrating when we cannot dump our anxiety and take the easy way out by reacting yet again. But if we persist, one fine day, without even knowing, we’re suddenly able to respond with kindness at last.
Barbara says
One day years ago, I yelled at my then teen aged son because I was cranky from a bad day at work. When I apologized for taking that out on him, he said, “Oh, I see. It was a cry for help.” Compassion may not soothe every angry person but it keep us from being hurt by another’s frustrations. I love this blog and all the wonderful replies. I hug you all with my heart.
CIELO says
So right. At the end of the day, we strive for our own peace.
Thanks for the article.