“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
Chintan Raval says
Thank you.
Zari says
Joshua, you are a man after my own heart. Reading your article felt so much like mine. You’re simply unforgettable. Thank you.
Elaine says
1 Peter 3:15
“Always be ready to give a reason for the hope that is in you, but do so with gentleness and respect.”
Kim says
Thanks for this article – I just can’t have too many reminders! Lots of good comments too.
I have an additional suggestion as to why a calm response sometimes causes more anger. A lot of people use a calm, apparently kind response as a manipulative trick, and sometimes as a means of establishing a sort of moral superiority, and if you sense that is the case it is annoying. So it is important that you speak with genuine kindness in your heart. If you do, I think the other person usually feels and responds to it, even if they are suspicious at first.
Jen says
The part I really struggle with is “answer clearly”. My “kindly” is probably more “wimpy” and I end up not getting my point across. Any suggestions?
RLSCS says
I used to work in customer service. Whenever I dealt with angry customers, I would always serve them with a smiling face and kind words. I observed over and over again how my response softened their behaviour and changed their attitude. Love is the answer!
jayne says
I shouted at my son last night, and I feel bad about it, I had back pain, and he was naughty, but I shouted more than I needed to, I know it was down to being in pain, and I took it out on him.
I love this post and I am sure it will help me to respond better next time
Reiko Akashi says
Thank you, Joshua, for this post. It is encouraging and gave me peace of mind, as I am not good at facing very negative comments, but at my work, these occasions come around everyday. I feel stressed and sometimes want to just escape. I will copy this advice to my notebook to remember. Thank you for helping our life.
Susan Haas says
I have to say, this was brilliantly stated. Being clear and gentle, yet firm is the best way to go in any interaction. I see more negative comments online than I would like to but always try to view them with compassion. I do love your posts! Thank you!
Roger says
There is always good advice on this blog. I am glad that I joined it!