“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison? Consider, embrace, and proceed forward with the following steps.
A Practical Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Take note of the foolish (and harmful) nature of comparison.
Take a good look at the list above. Take notice of comparison’s harmful effects in your life. And find priority to intentionally remove it from the inside-out.
Become intimately aware of your own successes.
Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
Pursue the greater things in life.
Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
Compete less. Appreciate more.
There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.
Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world.
Remind yourself nobody is perfect.
While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
Take a walk.
Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
Find inspiration without comparison.
Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference.
Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
If you need to compare, compare with yourself.
We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
I am an indie musician. I although I have made my material public I never gotten the application I think the work deserves. I have always been comparing myself to other pro musicians and reading all their success stories is killing me and making me sad for not having my art appreciated in the same way.
Man, I am an indie/pro musician myself. Many people see me as successful but after 15 years, I still feel like I’m trying to “make it”. I say this, just to let you know that, I too, relate. Sometimes I feel like we are supposed to be the biggest band in the world, and the fact that we are not, makes me feel like everything is unbalanced and that things are not as they should be. I can’t even listen to most music anymore because either it debilitates me with how good it is, or usually I hate how shallow or bad it is. The joy of music is completely gone and I’m so sad about this.
I blame social media for the fact that I compare myself with others a lot. I keep bombarding myself with pictures of peoples perceived “perfect” lives and internally tell myself that I should be like them. Especially career-wise, because I feel I should have gained more traction in finding a long-term career and I haven’t done so yet. Most often the traits I feel the least secure about myself are the ones I compare the most. Its something I really need to work on.
remove the perfectionist tigger at a root cause level and your effect will change . We have worked through this trigger and a lot of what we have found is yes its a programme uploaded to our collective consciousness and especially through religious programming etc. Once you remove this belief you will no longer feel this way. I had to look deep into my shadows at what specifically i compare in myself and in others.
I want to learn more about drawing and painting but I know three very talened artists, two are my friends and one happens to be my girlfriend, and I know they have more experience and practice so its pretty stupid comparing my art to theirs but i cant help it and it just takes away my motivation and the joy that I get from art, now I find myself hating everything I draw or paint and im starting to feel like I should just give up on art and leave it to people who actually have talent and potential unlike me…..
I’m so grateful I stumbled upon this article. I just broke up with my partner and the knee-jerk thought would be – I need to win this breakup. It sounds silly and immature. But I just can’t help but feel this way sometimes. Recently I found out that there’s someone new in her life. And I got really devastated. I want to be free from this mindset. I’ll make sure to remind myself of the list above everyday (every hour if needed). I just really want to be free and focus on my healing. I believe there are days that I show progress but I have my weak moments as well. Again, thanks for this :)
Hang in there! I hate that feeling!
That was inspiring indeed!Thank you so much sir.
As a student, I’m constantly comparing myself to my peers–it really couldn’t be easier considering how close we all are every day.
Recently, I started to realize how harmful these comparisons can be. I’ve been working to stop making them but the habit is hard to break. I’ve used some of the strategies in this article in the past and they’ve been very helpful. My advice: stick with it.
HI nice words I have a similar problem, Due to bad child hood or some thing I have very poor Interpersonal and social skills…..this is causing a damn relationship problems in my work as well as at home…..I always feel why I am so bad at managing people? / why no body likes me or my work ?!
Many things I tried but this is constantly pains me…..
I’m sorry, Veeru. I believe your interpersonal and social skills can be improved with work (as I’m sure you know). Hang in there and hopefully you can find some trustworthy help along the way.
This has helped me beyond measure. I now have a more positive mindset. I’ll get on to living a more purposeful life. Thank you very much for this!
Comparison can go the opposite direction: comparing yourself favorably & thinking you’re better than others can lead to unwarranted pride……
i have never compared myself with anyone in any way.
i work with a female who can barely hide her competitive, resentful and envious nature- i truly feel sorry for her…
Thought of our conversation last night.
I love the Theodore Roosevelt quote: Comparison is the their of joy.
Thank you so much for such good article. I am trying to stop comparing life and all things with others/friends and I am still fighting to stop this habit. this is worst habit which impacts to all future life and huge negative impact on family life.
In childhood I was thinking if we compare others I can get more motivation and I can make good progress but this thought is makes my life very hard.
I’m 14 and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of comparing myself to other boys. Like I hear females talk about how their eye color is this and how they are that and it makes me insecure because I don’t have that. I don’t have a wealthy family and I also compare my clothing and it makes me sad like everyone around me including my friends seem so happy and Im just always sad. I need help life is so hard right now. Like now if u have all these materialized things your placed as the best. Society really sucks I wish we could live life without feeling less than others. Like life has me feeling like I’m just a preposterous boy but I don’t know I guess society has devoured me.
Please someone give me advice. I really need help. Life is making me feel so distant. And everyday I’m floating away from everyone like I feel abandoned. . Please someone reply
Hey Jay, keep calm. You’ve got to talk to others. You’ve got to make friends that feel as same as you. And you have to calm down. Life wont be like that forever. I promiss you. I’m 20, and I felt it all. But now I have friends that aren’t rich bastards, and I do have friends that are rich, but they aren’t bastards, they are sweet! You are beautiful I bet it, you just have to try to see your own qualities. You deserve the best. I hope you start loving life. Because nobody wants you sad, we want you to feel completely happy. So dance, sing, be handsome, smile, play video games, watch movies, do exercise, eat well, laugh out loud, make good friends, nurture your good friendships, enjoy your family, enjoy internet.
Love you
I grew up in a very wealthy family, and about 15 years ago, I found out that my mother had mishandled my inheritance from my father by giving it to my two very disfunctional siblings. I have a wonderful husband and darling son but I am just completely insane with this comparison thing, always associated with money and how little we have compared to just about everyone we know. It just seems to be getting worse. I have developed tremendous anxiety as this whole thing has gotten worse. I seem to be downright jealous of everyone. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother. Other than my family of origin, everyone in our family, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. are all really really wealthy with their own planes and multiple houses. It is so pathetic because I have a wonderful family and live a really nice life. I always say that growing up rich is a major curse if you are not at least as well off as an adult, but this comparison thing where I always am the loser is really taking a toll on me, my self esteem and my ability to do anything.
Great article.. God bless you
Hey thank you so much this has helped in more ways than i thought in the first place. I always compare myself to my closest friend, and its hard to be my own person when others mistakenly call me his name and it hurts because no one has called him by accident by my name and I always feel that i can never be my own person and i always compare myself to him and like……..its hard because i always have felt that his is just me but a better version in every way and its hard to my own being whenever I’m around him and like…..I just want to understand why I always do this and I can live my own life because this is always tormenting me.
Maybe you should make new friends and start doing things you like to do and go places you like to go. Enjoy your life and your uniqueness. You are important and you do matter. Dont be wrapped up in your close friend. You need some space to “do you”. I understand i have been there.
Really appreciable thoughts. Love it. It really works.
Thank you for this wonderful article. It has impact on me because I feel my best effort will always be not enough. Then I start journaling, it helped me declutter my mind about negativity. I started to be more me and happy.
I loved this little article. I’m currently going through a somewhat breakup and am constantly idolising the guy I was in love with. He always made me feel inferior about my lifestyle and life choices and it’s a really hard cycle to break of being put down and comparing yourself to others. I just feel constant judgement from friends, ex’s and society that I am not doing well enough or doing the right things in life. The best thing to realise is that the only person passing this judgement onto you (who matters) is yourself. We’re all our own worst enemies.
Hi Joshua Becker.
Thank you for this article. It is very well written and makes a lot of great points. I read it evey a few months or so to refresh my mind on why not compare and what to do when finding myself doing it regularly.
As for that lady Mel… I’m sorry to hear you’re having such experience and I’m also sorry to see people here are some quick to give advice as dramatic as suggesting that you break up.
As the article above mentions, no one is perfect. The fact that he keeps comparing you means he probably compares himself to others all the time too which is unfortunate. It’s so easy to tell people to break up from the outside as they have no emotional investment.
But yeah couples therapy would be a good idea if all else has failed. All the best luck.
When I was in high school, I compared my achievements (academics) to my classmates’ achievements a lot. I coped up by gaining more achievements than what they had. Now I’m in college, I’ve met a lot of people who ‘seem’ better than me. I thought I got rid of this insecurity but I still haven’t. I still compare myself to people who are more successful than me.
Thank you for this article! I hope I’ll be able to change. :-)
Thank you for this article, my husband recently had an affair and ever since I have compared myself to ‘her’ and well everyone and anyone, With every comparison I am crippling myself and I feel I’m heading in a downward spiral. I like what you said about comparing yourself to yourself and that comparisons are unfair because they are inaccurate.. this has made me think outside the ‘comparison’ box and i’m hoping will help get me out of this unhealthy way of thinking.
Its also comforting to know I am not the only one with these struggles… I’m sure we can all make the change because i’m sure none of you see yourselves in the light those around you do.
I have a friend that constantly compares my actions and reactions to her reactions. For example, she opens her home to people, her friends when they breeze through town, but I prefer to not let people in my home, I am a private person, and enjoy my space and solitude. But I will pick that friend up from the airport, or take them to dinner, send them a book, or share something I think they would like. But this friend calls me a bad friend, based off of her ideals of friendship. Why must my way of doing things always be merited or scored based off of how she does things? Is there some psychological term for this, or would it just be unaccepting? Judging? Scrutiny?
Thanks so much for this article, its very helpful, God bless!
I have been really depressed because I compare my life to an ex boyfriend and separately an ex girlfriend, these individuals rejected my love and relationship within a one year period, in that same year I had an abortion. Now both of these people have kids and homes, I have a husband but never was able to conceive again and we live in a small apartment with no savings. I have felt suicidal and have given up on life it seems. I’m 48 years old and this mindset of comparison is ruining my drive and joy. I have not felt joy in 7 years. I feel bad for my husband who only deals with this shell of a person.
Thank you very much for this article! <3
Article is really amazing, it gave me relax and opened my eyes. Sometimes I compare my friend (male) with myself and feel jealous when another friend (girl) go with him for tea-break or general walk. I know iam not doing right, not thinking right, but sometimes I couldnt stop myself from comparing with him, why she is going with him, why they have become friends etc. What should I do??
Funny, I googled “how to not compare myself to others” and this was first and I noticed you said you had a twin. I do as well. Shes got the better personality, but I have the looks.
The comparing gets me into trouble at work all the time. Why does HE get to go to conferences and I dont. Why doesnt SHE have to do her job and I do (as I am a diligent hard worker), etc….So, I will read your blog and get your subscriptions. Hopefully, there is some way to stop this behavior.
I’m a phd student and recently I felt so upset because my research did’t went well, so as my life and my mental condition. I know I already gained many things, I get well paid from my school,my families and my husband loves me so much. But when I saw other friends who married to other guys more successful, live in a happier life in foreign countries, travel around the world, I get trapped to self-suspicious. I began to think through my personal history and try to find out why can’t I live a life like her ? I know this is bad so I find this article, thank you for pointing out the problem and providing the solutions. I already keep it on my phone and I will try.
I’m really delightful for finding this article.. Came here because of my anxiety of my son who can’t walk by himself although he’s already 1 year and 3 months right now..
Actually I can manage my worry by telling my self that I don’t need to worry about him because it just a matter of time until he’s ready and no need to compare my son to others..
But all I need is more advices, real examples and some motivations to strengthen my opinion..
Well, I got them in your article..
Thanks..
I’m feeling exactly as described partially because lack self confidence & partially because at the age of 52 & having been employed since 1982 i still feel that i am not even on the bottom rung of the promotional ladder whilst all around me in work & outside of work i see all these younger people, some not much older than 21, with all there better qualifications & degrees going about there business in there smart suits etc. It really gets me down. For the record I did not do to well at School and this as certainly due in later years as a result of not being able to hear a word the teachers were saying due to all the noise of fellow classmates. I think i would have felty better about myself if i had achieved more at school & maybe obtained better exam results.
This article is a bunch of useless platitudes and bs. Thanks for nothing.
Thank you so much. Your posts are consistently genuine, humble, clearly written with the intention merely to help others and share an antidote to a highly empty, materialistic life. How important it is to have examples like yourself out there, mirroring our real challenges and teaching us how to shift our paradigms and practices that lead to more authentic and fulfilling lives.
I’ve learned and grown because of your courageous insight. Thank you Mr. Becker.
Thank you so much for this article. I will use this to change my life.
As a single mom who has a son with learning disabilities I tried to home school him. I nearly went from an office to working from home and took less college classes as I returned to the university in senior level courses and now it been halted. I tried in my own strength to teach my son and it didn’t work. I stopped comparing him to others and it works. I embrace him for who he is and remind myself that I am a great mom no matter what struggles I face. This article made my day.
Yes less is more !
Massive respect madam!
The truth is I am not happy when I compare myself to others also I hide my abilities and talents. I taught that others are the best and me is worst. Thank you very much for this guide I really appreciate it. You know my heart doesn’t feel good when I compare myself to others but now I wanted to try this guide to became happy and to be more successful in life.
Thank you for this guide because I was enlightened.
I have been struggling with this and decided to get rid of this and happened to google how? Then came this article. I was smiling while reading and i am already feel a bit light and free. Thank you so much!
Thanks a lot!! That’s my life struggle
I had tears with each sentence you’ve wrote because I am continuously suffering from this especially I got accepted to study my speciality with people who are very talented
It feels like I hate my self very bad since I started studying with them
I hope I work using your advises
Thank you
Great article thanks! I just came from the golf course where constantly comparing golf scores kills a lot of enjoyment in people.
Thanks for sharing your experience and lessons from that.I know that compare kills but still many time I compare my self with others and that feeling makes me down. I feel less confident and more doubtful person. But your article helps me to get back to my original. I like to add one more thing that , being honest to yourself helps to avoid comparison. Kudos Joshua for this article. Keep smiling:)
Great article! Most people sleep for about 28,800 seconds each day. Comparing yourself for one second out of remaining 57,600 is even more wasteful!
Great points you make ! I am 60 a d have wasted my life looking at everyone else and compairing myself to outhers . My dad used to tell me pick one person and try to be as good as him. God what was he thinking !!! I always think I am not as good as the rest.
I can’t be leave how much time I wasted. Thanks Bill…….
I was online this morning looking for self-growth journal prompts and came across this article. Very helpful for me, I am trying to work on not comparing myself to others, especially at my job where metrics are one of the only things that measure our success there. Thank you!
Comparing myself to others is a constant battle within inside of me. I knew I had to stop, so I turned to my friend google who found me this article. It made me feel good about myself as I read it, and I plan to use the lessons to change myself.
Thank you!
Thanks so much for this article. For me, comparison is a long-standing habit that is rooted in deep feelings of inadequacy and being constantly compared to other families by my parents, as well as my own comparisons to the best parts of other people. Social Media can play a huge part in exacerbating this as well.
I think the point about comparison that hit home the most was “comparisons are always unfair: we will always compare the worst that we know about ourselves with the presumed best parts of others.”
If there’s anyone else out there that also felt deeply inadequate in the past, and was constantly struggling with various aspects of their life, I just wanted to reach out and connect to them and give them my own words of sincere encouragement. I also highly recommend bookmarking this article, and reading it daily.
I am a working man just like millions of others ( sorry about the comparison????) Where I started out in college is totally different from where I am now. No matter. I have found a balance in my life and am learning go let go of the past. I still play out old scenarios in my mind but that is okay they are part of what has shaped me. Thank you for your article. It is full of important reminders.
Thanks soo much for the article. I am always comparing myself to others..and then get really down on myself for mistakes i have made in the past. This article helps me.
Thanks for this! It means a lot. :)
This article is a hidden gem for anyone struggling with comparison. Reading it was a breath of fresh air. Time to put these words to action – that is the key! Thank you!
I enjoyed reading this so very much. It came at a time when I was catching up on Facebook (which I haven’t looked at in 5 years) and reading about how fabulous the lives of my friends have become. Looking at my own life seems so mediocre in contrast. But then I thank God for the blessings that are specifically mine and am grateful for the heartaches that have shaped them. Now if I can just quit comparing other people’s children to my daughter and let her find her own successes instead of seeing her losses.
This was incredibly helpful! I compare myself to others in so many aspects of my life, and I truly needed this. Perfection is a lie, and a futile goal…but it’s far too easy to engage in the vicious cycle of comparisons. I’ll never be the most wise, the best looking, and so on…i think we all need to accept that so that we may end self judgement. It truly gets us nowhere!
What a lovely article! Thanks for your wisdom :D