“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison? Consider, embrace, and proceed forward with the following steps.
A Practical Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Take note of the foolish (and harmful) nature of comparison.
Take a good look at the list above. Take notice of comparison’s harmful effects in your life. And find priority to intentionally remove it from the inside-out.
Become intimately aware of your own successes.
Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
Pursue the greater things in life.
Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
Compete less. Appreciate more.
There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.
Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world.
Remind yourself nobody is perfect.
While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
Take a walk.
Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
Find inspiration without comparison.
Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference.
Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
If you need to compare, compare with yourself.
We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
My fiancé compares me with his ex girlfriend and he often uses good things about me as an example to the things about her that’s not so good. Likewise he uses good things about her to compare to the in his mind the less ambitious me in certain areas of my life that are beyond my control to set as a priority. Because I don’t want to be interrupted, I’ve written long ups telling him about the negative effects this is behaviour is having on me but I don’t know if he will take a closer look at what I’m saying because I don’t want to get into marriage and find out that he’s still comparing me with his ex girlfriend.
Get out of that relationship asap.
I like most of this but if I am going to compare myself I want to compare myself to Jesus and apply the grace He has for me and not what I think His grace is.
I believe that we are his most beautiful of creations but we make herself so ugly with our attitudes with towards other people.
I also believe that we are His most most intelligent of creation we are al we all act so sometimes.
I try real hard to think that I am anything am anything great without Him because I have the tendency to think but I am better than I am but I don’t think that’s what you think, that’s how I feel about me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Right on, Jamie!
Definitely agree! Either get out of the relationship or get into couples therapy!
Shut up, Sandy. That’s horrible advice for such a little thing
Listen to Sandy.
Listen to Sandy and Russ, asap.
I sure hope you listened to Sandy, Russ and Trina.
Dont waste any more of your life..walk away with a smile. For 20 years i did what i thought i should..dont ever fall into that trap. Like yourself more!
Time to move on!
I feel you with this comment, Look at how you compare yourself and find out why you do this, when you root out the cause your effect will change automatically. Therefore if you think you will marry this man who compare you then you could question why you even think this is love. Once rooted out men will never compare you again. Simply this man is not whole and is a mirror for yourself. If you have any question email is bellow. Much love
Listen to your heart ! Do not listen to nobody else.. you are the only person in control of you and nobody should try to change you or decide for you. Not your boyfriend and not the people here.
Nobody knows what good things are in a relationship or bad things beside you.
Not just your heart, your whole self because logic should also play a part in any decision you may make
That doesn’t sound like a loving and healthy relationship. You are unique so comparing you to her is like comparing apples with oranges. The person you’re with should bring out the best in you and this man sounds like he’s bringing out a lot of insecurity. You have some hard conversations and soul searching ahead of you. Best of luck. X
The most important thing is to remain happy and comfortable in your being. Your relationship may result in problems later on so the best thing is to either solve it or move on. I hope you don’t want further problems in your life so i would suggest you to go to him and speak your heart to him. Tell him all you don’t like. And believe me, if he really loves you, then he would improve himself and you both will rock together. And sorry but if it didn’t work, then better is to move on with life and being what you’re. And you’ll get what you dream. My heartly wishes.
Thank you writing this awesome blog!!
It totally helped me to see how damaging it can be when we compare ourselves to others. I thought your thoughts were really on point and super helpful(:
Thank you very much
Often I compare myself to girls who are prettier, thinner, smarter, more accomplished, have straighter teeth, nicer hair, better social skills, more friends, etc. It gets so bad it’s like a physical ache. Thank you for your insightful post. It helps.
I have the exact same problem! I compare myself with girls on impulse. It’s such a bad habit that’s shredding my confidence to pieces.
I do the same thing!! It’s always prettier, thinner, nicer hair, etc… It totally wrecks any good you feel about yourself and makes you feel horrible. I did that just this last weekend. I stood there and watched all these other women dance (while my husband played in a band) and sat and compared myself to all of them. I finally had to get up and leave because it was just such a self-poisoning situation for me.
Thank you.Perfect write up at a fitting time in our lives.
This was helpful because im in this habit as well. Its exhausting and painful. I compare myself to other women, more curvaceous , married , working better jobs im jus a waitress(part time student) and earning more, those with a better social life. It continues to break my heart esp when I compare myself with those close to my age
Please dont! Im now in my 60s and only now have i let these things go…they arnt important ..you are
Love , love , love this article. Thank you so much!
Comparison. I have issues too with that. It’s like a default command setting that I haven’t been able to format. But I am very positive about the possibility of change.
I compare myself to others, a lot. I even go as far as to compare myself with cartoon characters! It makes me anxious and my head hurt on how much i wish to live a particular persons (or cartoons) life. Im not super successful and i never seem to compare myself to coworkers, just friends and strangers who are infact, more successful. I cry over this stuff often and I try to avoid it, but for some reason I cannot get over this anxious feeling of inadequacy. I also tend to look for people in worse scenario, whether its looks or personality, if i compare myself to them i feel better but not really, cause i feel judging and hypocritical.
Please dont! Im now in my 60s and only now have i let these things go…they arnt important ..you are
Thank you. I see the destruction I’m causing myself when I compare myself. I noticed I was doing this today and I asked the question …..”How do I stop comparing myself to others?” Thank you for the validation that I’m wasting time. I am truely stealing joy from my life. Thank you for the suggestions of being grateful, and using my energy to strive to be my best. Nan
i had a sister, two year younger than me, and in childhood i always find myself to be compared with her. she was better than me , intelligent than me and so on. so i think i am comparing myself since then with others.
And yes its is exhausting, it really is consumes you.
Your article is wonderful, i have a hope that i will overcome of it one day.
I just have a question about being no one perfect, why should i feel happy for that ?…. ( I don’t know how to put that. and pardon my english )
You shouldn’t feel about that no one is perfect. You should only know that you never can be perfect because there is no such a thing like being perfect for human beings. Knowing this might help to stop pursuing perfection.
I agree. I’m so tired of comparing myself to others. I am 45 beautiful and I know it but this malady is getting worse it seems as I get older. Aggregates the mess out of me
Your comment caught my eye bc I’m 36 feeling the same way.. When I turned 35 something snapped .. I guess the financial hardships with two kids a husband who is emotionally abusive and has alienated me from my family. Facebook was the last straw when I saw other moms happy with real careers. Can’t seem to break this excruciating bad habit… Sucks you dry! I want to break free and enjoy life but I feel like a caged lion you know?
I often compare my self to my girlfriend of close to 4 months because she recieves more attention than me. Meets a lot of cool people almost on a daily basis. I know it’s bad but i really need a helpful tip targeting this particular type of comparison. Thanks…
Is there a way for you both to meet cool people together? Possibly for her to share some of the limelight? It seems like you are comparing her attention because you want to be more social?
I am a singer and she’s a model, which gets her quick attention for her looks. We both get to be in the limelight but at different times. She tells me about every little detail in her day, every complement she recieves…. It doesn’t bother me like before but every now and then i get to compare myself to her….
Heard this many years ago & it still resonates.
https://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI
”The race is long but in the end it’s only with yourself”
I really liked this. I thought it was a joke at first because of the sunscreen xx
Thank you for this very helpful post
I am an indie musician. I although I have made my material public I never gotten the application I think the work deserves. I have always been comparing myself to other pro musicians and reading all their success stories is killing me and making me sad for not having my art appreciated in the same way.
Man, I am an indie/pro musician myself. Many people see me as successful but after 15 years, I still feel like I’m trying to “make it”. I say this, just to let you know that, I too, relate. Sometimes I feel like we are supposed to be the biggest band in the world, and the fact that we are not, makes me feel like everything is unbalanced and that things are not as they should be. I can’t even listen to most music anymore because either it debilitates me with how good it is, or usually I hate how shallow or bad it is. The joy of music is completely gone and I’m so sad about this.
I blame social media for the fact that I compare myself with others a lot. I keep bombarding myself with pictures of peoples perceived “perfect” lives and internally tell myself that I should be like them. Especially career-wise, because I feel I should have gained more traction in finding a long-term career and I haven’t done so yet. Most often the traits I feel the least secure about myself are the ones I compare the most. Its something I really need to work on.
remove the perfectionist tigger at a root cause level and your effect will change . We have worked through this trigger and a lot of what we have found is yes its a programme uploaded to our collective consciousness and especially through religious programming etc. Once you remove this belief you will no longer feel this way. I had to look deep into my shadows at what specifically i compare in myself and in others.
I want to learn more about drawing and painting but I know three very talened artists, two are my friends and one happens to be my girlfriend, and I know they have more experience and practice so its pretty stupid comparing my art to theirs but i cant help it and it just takes away my motivation and the joy that I get from art, now I find myself hating everything I draw or paint and im starting to feel like I should just give up on art and leave it to people who actually have talent and potential unlike me…..
I’m so grateful I stumbled upon this article. I just broke up with my partner and the knee-jerk thought would be – I need to win this breakup. It sounds silly and immature. But I just can’t help but feel this way sometimes. Recently I found out that there’s someone new in her life. And I got really devastated. I want to be free from this mindset. I’ll make sure to remind myself of the list above everyday (every hour if needed). I just really want to be free and focus on my healing. I believe there are days that I show progress but I have my weak moments as well. Again, thanks for this :)
Hang in there! I hate that feeling!
That was inspiring indeed!Thank you so much sir.
As a student, I’m constantly comparing myself to my peers–it really couldn’t be easier considering how close we all are every day.
Recently, I started to realize how harmful these comparisons can be. I’ve been working to stop making them but the habit is hard to break. I’ve used some of the strategies in this article in the past and they’ve been very helpful. My advice: stick with it.
HI nice words I have a similar problem, Due to bad child hood or some thing I have very poor Interpersonal and social skills…..this is causing a damn relationship problems in my work as well as at home…..I always feel why I am so bad at managing people? / why no body likes me or my work ?!
Many things I tried but this is constantly pains me…..
I’m sorry, Veeru. I believe your interpersonal and social skills can be improved with work (as I’m sure you know). Hang in there and hopefully you can find some trustworthy help along the way.
This has helped me beyond measure. I now have a more positive mindset. I’ll get on to living a more purposeful life. Thank you very much for this!
Comparison can go the opposite direction: comparing yourself favorably & thinking you’re better than others can lead to unwarranted pride……
i have never compared myself with anyone in any way.
i work with a female who can barely hide her competitive, resentful and envious nature- i truly feel sorry for her…
Thought of our conversation last night.
I love the Theodore Roosevelt quote: Comparison is the their of joy.
Thank you so much for such good article. I am trying to stop comparing life and all things with others/friends and I am still fighting to stop this habit. this is worst habit which impacts to all future life and huge negative impact on family life.
In childhood I was thinking if we compare others I can get more motivation and I can make good progress but this thought is makes my life very hard.
I’m 14 and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of comparing myself to other boys. Like I hear females talk about how their eye color is this and how they are that and it makes me insecure because I don’t have that. I don’t have a wealthy family and I also compare my clothing and it makes me sad like everyone around me including my friends seem so happy and Im just always sad. I need help life is so hard right now. Like now if u have all these materialized things your placed as the best. Society really sucks I wish we could live life without feeling less than others. Like life has me feeling like I’m just a preposterous boy but I don’t know I guess society has devoured me.
Please someone give me advice. I really need help. Life is making me feel so distant. And everyday I’m floating away from everyone like I feel abandoned. . Please someone reply
Hey Jay, keep calm. You’ve got to talk to others. You’ve got to make friends that feel as same as you. And you have to calm down. Life wont be like that forever. I promiss you. I’m 20, and I felt it all. But now I have friends that aren’t rich bastards, and I do have friends that are rich, but they aren’t bastards, they are sweet! You are beautiful I bet it, you just have to try to see your own qualities. You deserve the best. I hope you start loving life. Because nobody wants you sad, we want you to feel completely happy. So dance, sing, be handsome, smile, play video games, watch movies, do exercise, eat well, laugh out loud, make good friends, nurture your good friendships, enjoy your family, enjoy internet.
Love you
I grew up in a very wealthy family, and about 15 years ago, I found out that my mother had mishandled my inheritance from my father by giving it to my two very disfunctional siblings. I have a wonderful husband and darling son but I am just completely insane with this comparison thing, always associated with money and how little we have compared to just about everyone we know. It just seems to be getting worse. I have developed tremendous anxiety as this whole thing has gotten worse. I seem to be downright jealous of everyone. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother. Other than my family of origin, everyone in our family, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. are all really really wealthy with their own planes and multiple houses. It is so pathetic because I have a wonderful family and live a really nice life. I always say that growing up rich is a major curse if you are not at least as well off as an adult, but this comparison thing where I always am the loser is really taking a toll on me, my self esteem and my ability to do anything.
Great article.. God bless you
Hey thank you so much this has helped in more ways than i thought in the first place. I always compare myself to my closest friend, and its hard to be my own person when others mistakenly call me his name and it hurts because no one has called him by accident by my name and I always feel that i can never be my own person and i always compare myself to him and like……..its hard because i always have felt that his is just me but a better version in every way and its hard to my own being whenever I’m around him and like…..I just want to understand why I always do this and I can live my own life because this is always tormenting me.
Maybe you should make new friends and start doing things you like to do and go places you like to go. Enjoy your life and your uniqueness. You are important and you do matter. Dont be wrapped up in your close friend. You need some space to “do you”. I understand i have been there.
Really appreciable thoughts. Love it. It really works.
Thank you for this wonderful article. It has impact on me because I feel my best effort will always be not enough. Then I start journaling, it helped me declutter my mind about negativity. I started to be more me and happy.
I loved this little article. I’m currently going through a somewhat breakup and am constantly idolising the guy I was in love with. He always made me feel inferior about my lifestyle and life choices and it’s a really hard cycle to break of being put down and comparing yourself to others. I just feel constant judgement from friends, ex’s and society that I am not doing well enough or doing the right things in life. The best thing to realise is that the only person passing this judgement onto you (who matters) is yourself. We’re all our own worst enemies.
Hi Joshua Becker.
Thank you for this article. It is very well written and makes a lot of great points. I read it evey a few months or so to refresh my mind on why not compare and what to do when finding myself doing it regularly.
As for that lady Mel… I’m sorry to hear you’re having such experience and I’m also sorry to see people here are some quick to give advice as dramatic as suggesting that you break up.
As the article above mentions, no one is perfect. The fact that he keeps comparing you means he probably compares himself to others all the time too which is unfortunate. It’s so easy to tell people to break up from the outside as they have no emotional investment.
But yeah couples therapy would be a good idea if all else has failed. All the best luck.
When I was in high school, I compared my achievements (academics) to my classmates’ achievements a lot. I coped up by gaining more achievements than what they had. Now I’m in college, I’ve met a lot of people who ‘seem’ better than me. I thought I got rid of this insecurity but I still haven’t. I still compare myself to people who are more successful than me.
Thank you for this article! I hope I’ll be able to change. :-)
Thank you for this article, my husband recently had an affair and ever since I have compared myself to ‘her’ and well everyone and anyone, With every comparison I am crippling myself and I feel I’m heading in a downward spiral. I like what you said about comparing yourself to yourself and that comparisons are unfair because they are inaccurate.. this has made me think outside the ‘comparison’ box and i’m hoping will help get me out of this unhealthy way of thinking.
Its also comforting to know I am not the only one with these struggles… I’m sure we can all make the change because i’m sure none of you see yourselves in the light those around you do.
I have a friend that constantly compares my actions and reactions to her reactions. For example, she opens her home to people, her friends when they breeze through town, but I prefer to not let people in my home, I am a private person, and enjoy my space and solitude. But I will pick that friend up from the airport, or take them to dinner, send them a book, or share something I think they would like. But this friend calls me a bad friend, based off of her ideals of friendship. Why must my way of doing things always be merited or scored based off of how she does things? Is there some psychological term for this, or would it just be unaccepting? Judging? Scrutiny?
Thanks so much for this article, its very helpful, God bless!
I have been really depressed because I compare my life to an ex boyfriend and separately an ex girlfriend, these individuals rejected my love and relationship within a one year period, in that same year I had an abortion. Now both of these people have kids and homes, I have a husband but never was able to conceive again and we live in a small apartment with no savings. I have felt suicidal and have given up on life it seems. I’m 48 years old and this mindset of comparison is ruining my drive and joy. I have not felt joy in 7 years. I feel bad for my husband who only deals with this shell of a person.
Thank you very much for this article! <3
Article is really amazing, it gave me relax and opened my eyes. Sometimes I compare my friend (male) with myself and feel jealous when another friend (girl) go with him for tea-break or general walk. I know iam not doing right, not thinking right, but sometimes I couldnt stop myself from comparing with him, why she is going with him, why they have become friends etc. What should I do??
Funny, I googled “how to not compare myself to others” and this was first and I noticed you said you had a twin. I do as well. Shes got the better personality, but I have the looks.
The comparing gets me into trouble at work all the time. Why does HE get to go to conferences and I dont. Why doesnt SHE have to do her job and I do (as I am a diligent hard worker), etc….So, I will read your blog and get your subscriptions. Hopefully, there is some way to stop this behavior.
I’m a phd student and recently I felt so upset because my research did’t went well, so as my life and my mental condition. I know I already gained many things, I get well paid from my school,my families and my husband loves me so much. But when I saw other friends who married to other guys more successful, live in a happier life in foreign countries, travel around the world, I get trapped to self-suspicious. I began to think through my personal history and try to find out why can’t I live a life like her ? I know this is bad so I find this article, thank you for pointing out the problem and providing the solutions. I already keep it on my phone and I will try.
I’m really delightful for finding this article.. Came here because of my anxiety of my son who can’t walk by himself although he’s already 1 year and 3 months right now..
Actually I can manage my worry by telling my self that I don’t need to worry about him because it just a matter of time until he’s ready and no need to compare my son to others..
But all I need is more advices, real examples and some motivations to strengthen my opinion..
Well, I got them in your article..
Thanks..
I’m feeling exactly as described partially because lack self confidence & partially because at the age of 52 & having been employed since 1982 i still feel that i am not even on the bottom rung of the promotional ladder whilst all around me in work & outside of work i see all these younger people, some not much older than 21, with all there better qualifications & degrees going about there business in there smart suits etc. It really gets me down. For the record I did not do to well at School and this as certainly due in later years as a result of not being able to hear a word the teachers were saying due to all the noise of fellow classmates. I think i would have felty better about myself if i had achieved more at school & maybe obtained better exam results.
This article is a bunch of useless platitudes and bs. Thanks for nothing.
Thank you so much. Your posts are consistently genuine, humble, clearly written with the intention merely to help others and share an antidote to a highly empty, materialistic life. How important it is to have examples like yourself out there, mirroring our real challenges and teaching us how to shift our paradigms and practices that lead to more authentic and fulfilling lives.
I’ve learned and grown because of your courageous insight. Thank you Mr. Becker.