“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” —Tom Wilson
Life is not perfect. It never has been and never will be. This is not bad news. In fact, once we begin to embrace this reality, we welcome a great number of possibilities. Life is never perfect. We know this to be true.
Why then, do we continue to complain about its imperfections?
We complain about the weather, the traffic, and the weeds in our yard. We complain about tight clothing, misplaced keys, late airplanes, and the price of gasoline. We complain about our jobs or our lack of jobs. We complain about nosy neighbors, crying babies, ungrateful teenagers, and lazy spouses. We have become a society too quick to complain.
Complaining is almost never a positive reaction to our circumstance. (tweet that)
There are times, of course, when notifying someone of an injustice is good and proper. But most of the time, we express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment simply because it is our natural response.
But this response ought to be reconsidered in our lives because it is rarely healthy. In fact, there are many negative outcomes to this reaction. Complaining feeds and breeds a negative response. Additionally,
- It fosters a negative attitude. Complaining draws our attention to the negative aspects and circumstance around us. And focusing on the negatives always brings about greater negativity. Complaining never results in joy—it only sinks us deeper into our misery.
- It negatively impacts those around us. Complaints spread negativity. By focusing on and drawing attention to the problems and discomforts around us, we direct other people towards it too. Misery loves company.
- It doesn’t change our circumstance. Taking action does. But complaining words by themselves do not.
- It disqualifies the value of discomfort in our lives. Discomfort—both physical and emotional—can have profound benefit for our lives. There are countless life lessons that can only be learned by embracing discomfort: patience and perseverance just to mention a few. Become OK with discomfort. You’ll be glad you did.
- It is highly unattractive. It is unenjoyable to spend time around people who constantly highlight the negatives. And not only unattractive, the self-centered emphasis of complaining can be annoying as well.
- It leaves us in victim-mode. One of the greatest obstacles to lasting change is blame. And complaining finds its foundation almost entirely in blame.
On the other hand, there are numerous benefits to complaining less. It shifts our focus to the positive. It allows gratitude to take root. And cheerfulness can be an excellent beautifier.
How then, might we begin to overcome the habit of complaining? First, admit lifestyle changes can take time. And then, consider adopting some of these helpful steps below.
How to Complain Less.
1. Consider the importance of adopting the change. Many of us complain only because we have never considered the alternative. We have never been alerted to its harmful effects—both in us and around us. We never considered there may be a better way. But when given the choice, most of us would prefer to give life rather than drain life with our words. Determine to do just that.
2. Embrace the recognition of an imperfect world. Life is not always going to serve up what we would like (or even expect) at every turn. There will be trouble, trial, and pain. Again, this is okay. And the sooner we stop holding out for a world that revolves around us, the sooner we can embrace the fact that our contribution is far more needed than our pleasure. Discomfort should not surprise us—and we are not the only ones experiencing it.
3. Understand the difference between helpful criticism and complaint. There are times when it is entirely appropriate to raise attention to a wrong being committed. This can be helpful and should never be discouraged. Decipher if the situation can and should be resolved. If not, there is a good chance our complaints have no real interest in dialogue, problem solving, or human connection. And in that case, they should be avoided.
4. Be mindful of your audience. Are you speaking to someone who can help solve the problem or has a vested interest in bringing about a resolution? If so, use problem-solving language. If not, tread lightly. If you must continue, preface your complaint with impact-reducing language. For example, beginning with “Can I just vent for a minute or two?” may be all you need to orient yourself and your listener toward your purpose and be helpful in reminding yourself to keep it brief.
5. Avoid beginning conversations with a complaint. Take notice of how often we initiate conversations with a complaint. Often times, even subconsciously, this tactic is used because it garners a heightened response. Remove it from your arsenal. And try spreading some cheer with your opening line instead.
6. Refuse to complain for the sake of validation. Sometimes our complaints are used to validate our worth to others. “I’m so busy,” is a good example. We often say it as a means to subtly communicate our importance. Don’t seek to impress others with your complaints. That strategy won’t gain you any friends in the long run anyway.
7. Notice your triggers. Is there a specific time period of the day you tend to complain more than others? Morning, evening, or late afternoon? When your spouse is home? When you are drinking coffee or lunch with your friends? Maybe it is around the water cooler with your co-workers? Take notice. Then, avoid triggers if possible. If they cannot be avoided, make a point to be extra vigilant when you see them arise.
8. Embrace the idea of experimentation. Setting a goal of “never, ever complaining again” may be counter-productive. Instead, try designating a short period of time where you can be particularly mindful. For example, decide to go just one day without complaining. This shorter time period will allow you to concentrate more fully on your goal. The shortened, experimental time frame will foster increased sensitivity.
Mindless complaining serves little purpose in our lives. It fosters displeasure, spreads negativity, and sparks conflict. We’d live happier without it. Moving forward, let’s recognize and embrace the positive instead.
Image: baronsquirrel
Shelley says
I am working on this, but it’s hard since I was brought up in a very negative, complaining atmosphere so it is a habit. I was wondering what a response would be to people who call me to complain when I don’t want to do that?
Jordan says
It is easy to complain, almost natural. I have been fighting the urge and instead replace with trying to understand the reason things are the way they are. Followed by brainstorming ways to change it. It is sort of working thanks for the reminder.
Linda says
Talk about looking in a mirror!!! Mercy……do I ever have some growing to do!!! I could see myself in here so vividly……….and there certainly is a lot of room for improvement. I started today! What an eye-opening article, Joshua! How’d you get to be so smart at such a young age?? :) Thanks!!!
Fred says
Well was looking for how to complain less and found this. Really woke me up and gave me some good pointers. I do this and worry like crazy due to low money and my car needing licenced soon.. But the saying “Every thorn has a rose” is worth repeating over and over. Thanks so much.
Duncan Green says
Need major help in this area of my life..its causing too much pain for me and a good friendship…:{
Laurie Crews says
This is the third time I’ve read this and I get more from it each time. Thank you for taking the time to map this out for us. My life is changing in positive ways because of your writing.
KennedysTX says
Agreed! I have just read it once but immediately thought, I need to reread this a few times and really absorb it.
Sue N. says
If we forget to have compassion for ourselves then all the “trying” not to complain will be in vain, I believe. We need to look in ourselves (or in another) beneath the surface of the complaint and find the place of pain within ourselves… then just take a moment and offer ourselves compassion in that place… and then I have noticed in my own life that gratitude and love have a chance of flowing much more easily and the pain can be released. Otherwise it is just all effort and trying to remember rather than making lasting change from within. May peace be upon you.
Michelle says
I get up very early because of my job, but I always get to see the sun rise!
Some people complain and gripe about the hours, and while there are definitely days I would rather be in bed, I know that I can look forward to the sunrise. On those days when it is cloudy, there is often much more color and visual texture to enjoy.
It is also a split shift, which can be difficult when you have to plan to stop at a certain time so you can get back to work, but I try to be positive about it, and remind myself that I don’t have to take time off to make appointments.
Jordan says
I have chronic pain , which has been around for almost 3 years now. I used to complain a lot, not want to get out of bed. I am blessed in that I have family and friends who fought to keep me moving. This year has been bad in terms of pain but all the people in my life are proud of my attitude, I keep moving, I don’t complain, and I started to focus on the positive. Life is better.
Allison says
This post is such a good reminder. I work hard to live in gratitude, but sometimes I need to remember if I run out of gas, it means I have a car. If I am tired at the end of the day from demanding work, it means I have a job. And so on.